Parents-in-law not interested?

[littlebunny83]

I always thought my MIL & FIL were great
When I met my husband they were welcoming, friendly and interested in our relationship

They live 4 hours away but we would visit each other and always have a good time

When I got pregnant they were happy and MIL was in touch a lot. It was during Covid so it was mainly over the phone
They already have 2 grandchildren nearby but they were really excited to about the baby

My DD is 11 months now and something between me and MIL has changed since DD was born. I can't understand why?

When we visit there is lots of - I will take her for a walk, I will play with her, she is lovely etc but as soon as we are back home MIL seems not interested. Recently she hasn't been in touch for 2 months. She never asks about DD's pictures or videos and when I sent her some recently there was no reply or a short one like she didn't want to talk to me

She is active on WhatsApp and always on it talking to her children
I've asked my DH and she wasn't asking him either about our DD

My DH is also surprised and can't understand why but doesn't want to ask her about it even though him and his mum have a great relationship
Same with FIL who said to me when baby was born he would be super involved. He is not!

My Mum is always there for us even though she lives abroad. She calls everyday etc
I don't expect them to call often but if they asked from time to time about their granddaughter it would be really nice

They are very close to other grandchildren and see them everyday. It seems like that can't be bothered about the 3rd one

I keep arguing about this with my DH but it's not his fault really. Also if he talks to them they will be in touch more often because we want them to be not because they want to.

I am so upset. Anyone in similar situation? How do you cope? I really don't want to care bout it but for some reason It bothers me a lot
thank you for any advice

When we visit there is lots of - I will take her for a walk, I will play with her, she is lovely etc but as soon as we are back home MIL seems not interested.

Do you mean you, MIL, and the baby go for walks?

Yep, I am in a similar situation. I honestly thought my PIL would be great grandparents. We never see them, in spite of them living 10 mins down the road. So sad for my DC.

@phoenixrosehere not really, she usually says I will take baby for a walk so you can relax and she usually goes on her own but too be honest we meet so rarely that it probably happened twice since the little one was born
She sends me mix messages - I want to help, I love my granddaughter and then never asks about her etc

Is your child the first girl?

Yep my mil loves her 6 other grandchildren and never bothers with our dc. To the point now we stopped bothering to make contact to see if they made any effort and now we literally haven’t seen or spoken to them for nearly 4 years! Just complete arseholes.

@T00Ts 3rd! And I think this might be also the reason as MIL was dreaming about the grandson

There's not a lot you can do.
I certainly wouldn't let it cause arguments with dh

I am a big believer in the grandparents raising their own and then feeling they have done their work (my mil made it clear and I agree with her)

Is your mil afraid you will ask her for childcare or something?

I sounds as though they enjoyed the idea of grandchildren more than the reality. Is they closer to the other grandchildren because they are their daughter's children? If so its a shame, because pil will be the ones who miss out in the long run.

Just let it go. She might be too busy with the other ones etc.

[quote littlebunny83]@T00Ts 3rd! And I think this might be also the reason as MIL was dreaming about the grandson [/quote]
It could well be that. It could be that she really likes you but feels her child rearing days are over so isn’t that into kids anymore. Or perhaps she doesn’t feel as connected to a child of a son. Are the other granddaughters her daughter’s?

Maybe she doesn't want to overstep?
Could there have been issues with your DH's siblings accusing her of doing so?

Please don't let this affect your relationship with your husband. What's he supposed to do? He can't force his parents to take more interest. It's not ideal and of course it would be great if they wanted to be involved, but you need to lower your expectations. We can't change how people behave towards us, only how we react. Accept it for what it is and stop giving them headspace they don't deserve.

Same here-
Ex- Mil hasnt bothered so much at all when I stopped making the effort - 10yrs I was the one making effort , we get on well and she loves her only 2 DGC ( both mine) & when I went on to have 2xmore Dc, she did inc them and is v.kind and still is when she calls (maybe 1x 4 months on birthdays) but honestly, she doesnt bother any other time.
New MIL also hasnt ever been bothered by her only 2x DGC, but she isnt maternal either.
We all had covid last month, neither MIL or EX-MIL have bothered to see how we are- They know we had it as 1x DGC had a birthday during this time.

Im no longer bothered tbh, their loss

GPs are rarely as close to their sons DC's as their daughters.

Have you asked them to babysit?

Do you have conflicts over parenting styles?

Do they buy her gifts?

Go and see them more often so that they can get to know your child better. You're 4 hours away - the others are much closer. That'll be it.

I'm also wondering if her other grandchildren are her dd's children.
I definitely think this makes a difference to how some grandparents view their role.

Don’t let it impact your relationship with DH.

Sadly there isn’t a whole lot you can do.

Focus on the great relationships you do have.

Mine ILs are like this with our 2 (DD and DS) but not with the older two DGSs from BiL who are slightly older. We all live within 20 minutes drive. It used to really annoy me but I've had to let it go.
My folks are the grandparents that my children deserve and my ILs are not unkind, give presents and make the right noises 'when' we see them. They're just never going to make the effort with our 2 that they do with the others. 🤷🏻‍♀️
As other people have said, don't let it spoil your own family unit - pull together not apart. It's taken time but my DH now sees it clearly as it is.

My inlaws are obsessed with their daughters’ kids. I mean obsessed. Utterly. It’s embarrassing to listen to. Things like saying they ‘pray and wish’ the grandkids were their own. 😳

Anyway, they try to feign interest in my child but they’re really not bothered. I’m not bothered particularly, though I know it secretly bothers my H. It probably doesn’t help things that a few years ago I drew my boundaries very clearly as they had had real issues with trampling on them. Turning up and letting themselves in for example, taking friends on tours of my house while I was out, finding one of them asleep in my bed when I got home from work. No joke. My FIL would turn up at the crack of dawn whenever my H was away too to ‘check’ on me.

Sorry to merail, it might make you feel better and really, any excuse to tell the stories. My IL were bananas.

This seems sad to me and it is clearly making you sad. I'm in the position of being a dil and also about to be a grandma.
My pil live further from us than from their other children. We and our children had a different relationship with them- less familiar but just as loving. Now we mostly go there but they did come to us when the kids were little. After about a year we realised they necer let more than 6 weeks pass without suggesting a vist. They were clearly on a timetable but also not intruding.
Some thoughts..
Maybe pil are not so good with texts and WhatsApp. For me who is probably t heir generation these never feel as warm as chats in person or picking up the phone with a nice cup of tea.

Practically, 4 hours is a big drive. Maybe your pil are getting less confident in making those drives esp after covid. Maybe you could have a convo and say we' d love you to come and visit but appreciate its a long way. Is there anything that we can do to help make it happen?

They may intend to come but little needs of closer gc interfere and they need a gentle prompt and a date in the diary.

As a parent of adult children, basically I think you are always holding back, aware of not interfering. You still want it all, to be involved and also to have your own life. Im not always wiser tho I'm older. Maybe they're too cautious or are just letting the status quo continue, and a warm invite from you or an offer to visit would be just what they secretly want. (I don't understand why some words are underlining here).
Ofc they may just be meh and in that case I'm sure you'll find others to help you. Join a group with older people. Make friends. . But why not just ask if you can see them a bit more often now gd is not a baby and covid is hopefully fading . Make it about what would give you and dh pleasure not about what they have done wrong. Be respectful of their time. How could any grandma resist?

My PIL were like this however I saw it as something for my DH to establish/work on because they were his parents and he knows them better. I also recognised that not only is our oldest not the first but we live almost 5 hrs away and we would never move anywhere that was close enough to visit on a daily or weekly basis like their other children. With my parents, our children are the first and second grandchildren so they’ve been doing video chats since they were born. My parents live 4,000 miles away and can only visit once every few years.

My in-laws had their daughter’s kids several times a week and they were busy with them and then later down the road their youngest son’s once or twice as well around. They would then come stay with us and moan about how much childcare they did to their oldest when the last time they watched ours was three years ago (nor ever offered) put a bit of a damper on their visit. That’s the last thing DH wants to hear about especially since the reason they were visiting was to celebrate our children’s birthdays and why they thought he was the person to talk to about this boggles my mind.

I think it is mainly a mix of out of sight and out of mind and doing childcare for the others so it can be difficult to give time and attention to all of them.

They do take the boys out for walks now and interact with them when they visit us where it is easier to do without being distracted by the others and engage with them more on video calls when it is just them.

They may show more attention when your daughter is older and can talk. I did notice that now that our youngest talks back to them the calls are much longer.

@ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm

Please don't let this affect your relationship with your husband. What's he supposed to do? He can't force his parents to take more interest. It's not ideal and of course it would be great if they wanted to be involved, but you need to lower your expectations. We can't change how people behave towards us, only how we react. Accept it for what it is and stop giving them headspace they don't deserve.

This would be my advice too

I do often think if they have other DGC ,then they are often their first call. added to the fact that they are a few years older now of course.Many PIL can be like this .Nothing you can do really .Maybe you can forge a close RL with your SIL .If their children are quite small . I would just enjoy LO ATM.Probably be a thread along soon saying someones DGP over involved!

What exactly do you want them to do?

How regularly do you see them?

It's been really tricky with covid making it harder to see people, but given the distance you are unlikely to see them regularly.

We’re in the same situation except dh’s parents live over the road! They have never been interested. Will only see the kids when we arrange it, won’t ask about them. I once stopped initiating contact just to see how long it would take and it was over 8 months before we heard anything.

What drove me mad was the fact that they would happily have relationships with and take out their friend’s grandchildren and other children say from their church or whatever and I just couldn’t understand it. It is not about childcare as I never palm my children off with anyone, I’m with them all the time.
Just bloody call or send a text asking how they are. What makes it worse for me is that my children both have disabilities (they weren’t evident when they were little and we have found out about them as they’ve got older so I don’t think it is the reason for their absence as grandparents) but my daughter has a degenerative condition and it’s a possibility she could get quite poorly and not live a life as long as it should be, it’s like they simply don’t care.

Our two were the first grandchildren. Dh is one of 4 and currently only one other sibling has a child. My eldest is 12 in a couple of weeks and our nephew is two so for 10 years they’ve ignored my kids but they see the two year old 4x per week and even provide childcare while dh sibling works so it’s not about not wanting to look after grandkids but just not wanting to see ours.
If we bump into members of their church/their friends and have a little natter, they express how lovely it must be to have our in-laws as our kids grandparents etc and we honestly don’t know what to say, we just say well they don’t even see them etc and they seem really shocked. I stopped updating social media as it came to light that pil would share info with their church and friends about our kids what they’d seen online in a way that appeared they were in contact with the kids when they weren’t and that pissed me off.

Another of dh’s siblings is expecting and everyone is so excited about it and I know it’ll be the same situation with the new baby. We’ve never been congratulated about either of our pregnancies, in fact mil said we could abort ds as she didn’t think she should be a grandma yet.

Another of dh’s siblings is with a partner who already has children and they are seen more than mine are and the relationship is so new. Pictures on social media, calling them grandchildren etc in fact the last time we went to their house, my kids pictures we all removed and in their place are pictures of these new kids. My heart just dropped, I adored my grandparents, they were a huge part of my life and it’s really sad that my children don’t have that. I’m just so thankful they have my mum.

I also think this opinion that mothers are not close to their son’s and therefore don’t care about the grandchildren from them is absolute horseshit. My best friend has three sons, wonderful boys, so is she not supposed to be an involved grandma because she has sons? I don’t understand that at all. She had a surprise 4th baby recently, thank goodness it was a girl or she’d never have grandchildren

My mum can’t wait for my brother to have children, neither can I. My brother will be a great dad and that baby would be treated exactly the same as my two and my sisters new baby is by my mum. My mum has a fantastic relationship with my brother and we three have never felt we are treated differently whereas in dh’s family there is a severe sibling rivalry thing going on with dh just always on the sidelines.
We had a recent chat about them seeing the kids more and it’s kind of increased but you can tell it’s an annoyance to them, it won’t last.

Alas there is nothing we can do about it, it won’t change. I will never understand it. I’ve spent a lot of time sad about it but they don’t care and spend no thought about the lack of relationship and complete exclusion of us and our kids from the family so I made the decision to completely back away. Honestly op, I’d do the same if your situation is anything like mine. If we could afford to, I’d sell up and move away with no forwarding address to them. It would probably be months and months before they realised we’d gone anyway