Parents-in-law not interested?

[littlebunny83]

I always thought my MIL & FIL were great
When I met my husband they were welcoming, friendly and interested in our relationship

They live 4 hours away but we would visit each other and always have a good time

When I got pregnant they were happy and MIL was in touch a lot. It was during Covid so it was mainly over the phone
They already have 2 grandchildren nearby but they were really excited to about the baby

My DD is 11 months now and something between me and MIL has changed since DD was born. I can't understand why?

When we visit there is lots of - I will take her for a walk, I will play with her, she is lovely etc but as soon as we are back home MIL seems not interested. Recently she hasn't been in touch for 2 months. She never asks about DD's pictures or videos and when I sent her some recently there was no reply or a short one like she didn't want to talk to me

She is active on WhatsApp and always on it talking to her children
I've asked my DH and she wasn't asking him either about our DD

My DH is also surprised and can't understand why but doesn't want to ask her about it even though him and his mum have a great relationship
Same with FIL who said to me when baby was born he would be super involved. He is not!

My Mum is always there for us even though she lives abroad. She calls everyday etc
I don't expect them to call often but if they asked from time to time about their granddaughter it would be really nice

They are very close to other grandchildren and see them everyday. It seems like that can't be bothered about the 3rd one

I keep arguing about this with my DH but it's not his fault really. Also if he talks to them they will be in touch more often because we want them to be not because they want to.

I am so upset. Anyone in similar situation? How do you cope? I really don't want to care bout it but for some reason It bothers me a lot
thank you for any advice

This is my pil - we all used to live close and saw each other all the time. Then they moved away at retirement but only an hour and a half. They'd come down to see us and their other kids. We'd take our kids to see them. Not all the time but every couple of months. Same as with my parents and also was similar to my grandparents. They have 8 grandkids and were reasonably even.

We then moved away 3 hours in the other direction and it's a dreadful drive. That first year they saw us a couple of times and called regularly. That was all we were expecting. Now they have seen my girls once in 8 years. They send gifts and they call dh about once a month but that's it.

BUT we haven't made much of a reverse effort either. Dh isn't fussed, Dd2 gets awfully travel sick so any long journey is dreadful.

So I don't blame them at all. They are getting on. But I'm human. It grates that they will have sils kids all the time and know everything about them but can get the names of my two round the wrong way on occasion. That they don't want to see them
more. But that's my issue not theirs or dhs.

If she was that connected that she phoned daily or even a couple of times a week, it would be very upsetting to not be in physical contact with her. So she's emotionally distanced herself until she sees her face-to-face. It could also be that she doesn't do 'chats'. Her generation wasn't in constant contact, some people rang for a weekly catch up, others met up at family events, particularly funerals and met then. It's her behaviour when you are there that counts. YABU to want more than someone can give.

My in laws were never bothered with our children. We would constantly ring them up and ask to come over, but they always had other plans. Never could cancel anything, even with 2 weeks notice. They never called us. Now it's just my mil and we got a call off her sister complaining that we never see mil or call her. Bollocks to that. She still never calls us

I think sometimes their can be an unrealistic expectation on both sides. I want my DC to have a close relationship with GP that I never had. My PIL are very involved, my MIL is wonderful and will always do her best to help and spend time with DC. I have a great relationship with PIL. My own parents... My DF is only interested whrn it suits him which is generally a few hrs on a Sunday maybe 4 times a year. He's more interested in his own life... Fine. He's the one missing out. My own DM has health issues and can't do barely anything but sit and watch. It's rubbish hits its just the way it is. In contrast I love my nieces and nephew, one offer3d multiple times to take them on days out, trips to the cinema, park.... But my DB has never let them come out with us..... I try....

My MIL is so uninterested in DS that she lives 5 mins away and hasn’t seen him in almost a year.

She has been invited for lunch, dinner, out for the day/afternoon/park etc but never bothers. DS who just turned 2 doesn’t know who she is.

MIL lives with SIL, BIL and our two nephews (14 & 11) and MIL looked after them constantly whilst they were young and still a little now - it’s not about childcare though (DS goes up nursery 3 days a week and me and DH work condensed hours) it’s the fact that she doesn’t care. She doesn’t call to ask how he is, or FaceTime, or try to have any kind of relationship with him at all. It makes me so upset and angry on his behalf. Especially as she lives with and has a relationship with his cousins.

DH acknowledges this. It makes him sad as he sees the comparison with his nephews and he’s spoken to her about it (as have I but she just screamed at me in the street and plays the victim) and she doesn’t have an answer why. He just lets her get on with it and speaks to her when she remembers he exists (mainly to talk about herself)

She sent DS a present from the pound shop (some bubbles) for his second birthday (moneys not the issue here I wouldn’t care if the present cost a £1 which it did but no effort or thought went into it at all and DN’s get real gifts) via SIL and a card with his (very traditional and easy to spell) name spelt wrong (complete with the current man she’s having an affair with, name in it lol)

I have been nothing but nice, welcoming and open to her over the past 6 years, hosting her for Xmas countless times and I even hosted, organised and paid for her 60th birthday last year but she just doesn’t care. She’s very selfish and always makes herself the victim in any situation. Nothing is ever her fault.

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that she’s a horrible grandparent - but she’s the one that’s missing out, not DS. He’s lucky enough to have my DM and DF who adore him and he them.

Let her get on with it. It’s her loss. Don’t let her behaviour affect your relationship with DH though.