Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents-in-law not interested?

55 replies

littlebunny83 · 06/02/2022 08:32

I always thought my MIL & FIL were great
When I met my husband they were welcoming, friendly and interested in our relationship

They live 4 hours away but we would visit each other and always have a good time

When I got pregnant they were happy and MIL was in touch a lot. It was during Covid so it was mainly over the phone
They already have 2 grandchildren nearby but they were really excited to about the baby

My DD is 11 months now and something between me and MIL has changed since DD was born. I can't understand why?

When we visit there is lots of - I will take her for a walk, I will play with her, she is lovely etc but as soon as we are back home MIL seems not interested. Recently she hasn't been in touch for 2 months. She never asks about DD's pictures or videos and when I sent her some recently there was no reply or a short one like she didn't want to talk to me

She is active on WhatsApp and always on it talking to her children
I've asked my DH and she wasn't asking him either about our DD

My DH is also surprised and can't understand why but doesn't want to ask her about it even though him and his mum have a great relationship
Same with FIL who said to me when baby was born he would be super involved. He is not!

My Mum is always there for us even though she lives abroad. She calls everyday etc
I don't expect them to call often but if they asked from time to time about their granddaughter it would be really nice

They are very close to other grandchildren and see them everyday. It seems like that can't be bothered about the 3rd one

I keep arguing about this with my DH but it's not his fault really. Also if he talks to them they will be in touch more often because we want them to be not because they want to.

I am so upset. Anyone in similar situation? How do you cope? I really don't want to care bout it but for some reason It bothers me a lot
Confusedthank you for any advice Daffodil

OP posts:
TruJay · 06/02/2022 09:50

Gosh, sorry that’s so long! Blush

Trinity69 · 06/02/2022 09:51

My PIL are both remarried. One set absolutely adore my kids, but have no contact with any of their other GC. The other set have no contact with any of their GC, my kids included. I sent photos when they were younger but MIL doesn't have any photos on display, FIL and sMIL have photos of my kids all over their house. I see it at their loss. My parents and FIL and sMIL are enough and honestly, much less dysfunctional than MIL and sFIL.

dottymac · 06/02/2022 09:53

You can't make people care. It's harsh but it's something it took me a long time to realise and accept.

GiantSpider · 06/02/2022 09:54

My PIL are a bit like this. They talk about their lovely grandchildren but don't actually seem that interested in reality. I would try to stop letting it bother you so much OP. They're the ones missing out!

ADialgaAteMyDog · 06/02/2022 09:59

I only have a FIL and he's not the slightest bit interested. In any of us! Barely communicates with DP, not interested in the kids. We see him for about 2 hours twice a year and that seems to be plenty. It has upset me in the past but it is what it is, he's the one missing out.

billy1966 · 06/02/2022 10:02

I think it is very, very unfair of you to give your husband a hard time over this.

It isn't his fault or his responsibility.

If it is causing you such upset, you need to deal with it and go see someone and talk about your issue.

You cannot force people to be interested in your child.

They live far away.

I think the expectations of GP's is enormous on MN.

I loved my GP and was close to them, but they never looked after us.

They had busy lives of their own and would come and visit every couple of months.

I have a few friends that are a decade older than me that I have caught up with recently and they are a bit run ragged with the expectations of their children who have all had kids in the last few years.
Having had busy careers for 40 years, it is not unreasonable to expect to enjoy themselves a bit.

They are now busy booking several holidays away to get a break from the expectations.

Sounds hellish to me.

Focus on building relationships where you live and meeting other young mothers and leave your in laws to themselves.

Don't spoil your husbands relationship with his parents because they are not meeting your expectations.

Flowers
DeadButDelicious · 06/02/2022 10:26

We've experienced this. We live 10 minutes away and it would be months between visits if we didn't initiate contact. All the while they were spending tonnes of time with my SILs (their daughter) kids who they also provided full time childcare for.

I bent over backwards trying to forge a close relationship between them and my dd, made myself available if and when they did try to arrange to see her, sent photos and videos, offered to have them and the grandkids round to ours so they could play, visit the park and it was like trying to swim up hill.

They love her, I know they do but for some reason they are more invested in SIL's kids. In the end I just had to accept that I can't force it. Their relationship with DD is their responsibility, not mine. It's sad. I wish they would invest as much time in her as they do the other GC but it is what it is. She is adored by my parents who she has a brilliant relationship with.

It is shit though OP. Thanks

Jacaranda75 · 07/02/2022 09:18

@DeadButDelicious I could have written your post. It hurts, doesn’t it? What does your DH say about it, if you don’t mind me asking?

LemonPeonies · 07/02/2022 11:49

My problem is the opposite- my DP's parents live abroad and are very interested in our DC. They call/ message regularly. My own parents live 10 min drive away and hardly bother. They visit my Dsis and her child much more often 🙄

DeadButDelicious · 08/02/2022 08:24

@Jacaranda75 Honestly, he's very bitter about it. There are some long running issues between himself, his sister and his parents and this is another layer on top of what he sees as their preferential treatment of her. Not quite a golden child situation but she's definitely had an easier crack at it than he did growing up. He talked to them about it once, things improved for a little while and then the pandemic hit and they fell right back into the old habits. He's not planning on saying anything again.

I'm sorry you've experienced it too. How's your husband feeling about it? Thanks

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 08:58

You live 4 hours away. Im assuming other grandkids are in her doorstep? Perhaps older? Have you though mil might have her own stuff going on? She might be tired? How many times do you contact her?

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 09:02

She might just be crap at keeping in touch. I'm woeful phoning my parents and my parents arnt much better. But I'm great day to day in person.

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 09:07

As lovely as babies are. They really are not that interesting even when they are your own. If you sent me a picture I'd be like, that's lovely. What else would you say.

Workinghardeveryday · 08/02/2022 09:09

We have the same problem here, it’s heartbreaking for the kids.

My dad and stepmum live 5 minute walk away yet they never ever bother with me or the kids. Christmas and birthdays they call with a present which is nice but don’t stay.

My mil lives less than 5 minute walk away and she is exactly the same, not interested.

My sil lives a 10 minute walk, she is exactly the same but doesn’t even buy them a birthday card! - even though we buy her kids presents etc.

My brother lives 40 minute drive, hasn’t been to my house in 15 years. We don’t really keep in touch only now and again.

If it wasn’t for my mum who lives 40 minute drive kids would have no contact with family at all!! I wouldn’t care but they are lovely kids, really kind and caring etc. It’s such a shame for them

Livelovebehappy · 08/02/2022 09:13

I think the distance you live from them is key. It’s too far away for drop ins so it does take effort to actually maintain interest when you don’t see that person, as there’s no hands on stuff. It’s just general news. I’m sure if you lived nearer things would be totally different. My Sil lives abroad, and although we keep in touch about the kids etc, it’s usually monthly or sometimes even less frequent.

Missey85 · 08/02/2022 09:22

Christ grandparents can't win can they? Either their not involved or too involved!

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 09:36

Same here. DH has two sets of parents one set live close to his sibling with children, one live significantly further off (and it's further than it is to us, we are basically equidistant between both sets but SiL lives 10 mins from one set about four hours from other).

The parents keep in touch on group messages I've seen themwith DH and all his siblings. But we see them probably once a year each. The SIL sees one set just about daily and the further of set about once a month.

I am becoming convinced it's me. So I'm starting to talk DH round to suggesting visits just him and our DS. Just to test this idea out.

ancientgran · 08/02/2022 09:43

@Missey85

Christ grandparents can't win can they? Either their not involved or too involved!
Very true. I really try not to overstep but to be available and do lots of childcare and have one GC living with me. But it is a minefield.
Chasingaftermidnight · 08/02/2022 10:05

I sympathise. We have two sets of grandparents who just aren’t interested - they like the idea of being grandparents (so lots of Facebook posts etc) but have no interest in the reality.

I feel sad for my children that they won’t have a close relationship with any grandparent. I look at my best friend who has a daughter the same age as my son and her daughter is so close with her lovely parents in law - they’re taking her for a day out in London and for a sleepover at the weekend.

But it is what it is. It’s painful and you feel like your children are missing out. But you can’t change people and you can’t make them care. And it isn’t your husband’s fault - don’t risk damaging your relationship with him over it!

SallyWD · 08/02/2022 10:19

Could it be that they're just not in to babies? I can completely understand that. I struggled with my own children during the baby stage because I just didn't know what to do with them! Some people are great with babies and can spend ages singing to them, talking in a babyish way etc but I always felt a bit awkward with babies - mine and other people's! My own parents weren't very involved when mine were babies but now they're older they engage with them a lot. As your in-laws have older grandchildren they might find them more interesting for now but that will change.

inheritancetrack · 08/02/2022 10:33

Sadly I think it's because the baby is a third girl and she was looking forward to a dgs. Focus on other things. Friends nearby, other mums and just enjoy life with your baby. Don't overthink it, most people don't have a over close relationship with MILs unless they live nearby

MillieMoonbeam · 11/02/2022 23:30

GPs are rarely as close to their sons DC's as their daughters

Mmm… I absolutely love the bones of my GC. (DS children). I am the one they call on to have the children while they work. I have them 4 times a week. They seem to think because I’m retired I have nothing else to do. DIL’s parents are also retired. They have GC once a week. Yet…. It’s always DIL’s mothers pic they post on SM with the children.

It was my GS 3rd birthday last week. Myself and DIL’s mother called down with gifts for him. DIL posted a Happy Birthday status on FB. Only MIL featured in the pics, despite DIL taking pics of all of throughout the day.

Im not really into FB but this really pi**ed me off - especially as DIL asked if I could have GC 5 days next week as her mother “needs a break”.

We are the same age. TBH I feel like life is passing me by now as I don’t have a chance to meet up with friends anymore, and I haven’t attended my craft and art classes for over a year, as I’m looking after GC all day,4 days a week. On the fifth day I am literally too worn out to do anything!

I am going to tell DS and DIL that I am only available two days a week for childcare from Monday and they will have to find alternative care for the children (AKA her parents). Let’s see how this goes… 😏

5foot5 · 11/02/2022 23:46

They live 4 hours away

They are very close to other grandchildren and see them everyday. It seems like that can't be bothered about the 3rd one

Er no! It just seems like they are 4 hours away from the 3rd one. With the best will in the world it will be harder to maintain the same relationship as they do with the ones on their doorstep.

Also your DD is still very young and for many people other people's babies are not that interesting. Once she gets a bit older they might be more involved

Creamegg84 · 12/02/2022 10:29

There's nothing you can do and it's very hurtful. My inlaws are like this. Never paid much interest in our children (their first grandchildren) they don't know anything about their lives, interests, friends etc. Then my sil had her first a couple of years ago and they are very involved.almost daily. Even though we live closer. We think it's because she's their daughter they are more involved. My husband is deeply affected by it yet would never say anything to them about it. It makes me so sad for my kids but then I also get angry and childish about it aswell and thus have no feelings towards my neice, even though its not her fault.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 12/02/2022 10:40

Yup same here except PIL live close by. I’ve gone low contact now just to save my own sanity because it is hurtful to see how invested they are in their other grandchildren’s lives compared to ours. Mine are teens now so it’s not about wanting child care or help but really just to act like they give a shit. Mine are the “middle” grandkids so it does rather feel that they’ve been skipped!