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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact someone I met ages ago and try to be friends?

69 replies

renovations7 · 05/02/2022 21:32

I have an almost two year old boy. When he was about six months I met a mum through a local group who I felt I got on well with. She texted to invite me for coffee a few times but I was too anxious to go due to my social anxiety issues and made my excuses. Almost 1.5 years later I’m feeling quite alone and wish I had made more effort to connect with her, as I’ve not had much luck meeting mums through other baby and toddler groups. Would it be okay to text her out of the blue after all this time and try to arrange a coffee, or would it come across as strange? I’m hopeless in social situations so wanted to get some advice!

OP posts:
PigFaceForever · 05/02/2022 21:34

I say go for it!

AdoptedBumpkin · 05/02/2022 21:37

You have nothing to lose. She might be lonely herself.

thefourgp · 05/02/2022 21:38

It’s worth a shot. Keep your message short and sweet. Hopefully she’ll appreciate the contact.

HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 21:39

I think it would be really nice if you sent her a message and explained what you have here. I hope she responds!

positivity123 · 05/02/2022 21:40

I think it's a lovely idea and you should do it. Or you could do something more focused around the kids to break the ice. If there is a good soft play or toddler group why don't you message her letting her know you are going to X with your kid, would she like to join? It's a bit less intense?

Cigfree · 05/02/2022 21:42

Do it! If you’re still thinking about her a year and a half later, she must have made a good impression on you.

LemonSqueezy0 · 05/02/2022 21:44

I think go for it.... Briefly explain the lapse in time and responses and apologise for not being in touch but you'd love to catch up over coffee while the children play. Prepare yourself that she may be a bit wary, after so long. But also try with other people. Make plans, set up playdates. Put yourself out there, without pining all your hopes on her. Good luck

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 05/02/2022 21:44

I would contact her, but I would also explain your anxiety issues as to why you never met up with her previously.

What have you got to lose?

Original poster
renovations7 · 05/02/2022 21:46

I’d rather not admit to having social anxiety - I’m worried it will put her off! But I’m not sure how else to explain the lack of contact.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 05/02/2022 21:48

I wouldn’t say you haven’t had any luck meeting other mums Grin but yes otherwise what you’ve put here sounds perfectly understandable to a nice person.

Or don’t worry about over explaining and maybe just say “hi, hope you’re well, we never did get round to meeting up for that coffee! With all that’s been going on, I don’t know where the last year has gone. Are you free sometime next week?”

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 05/02/2022 21:50

Och do it!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It could be the start of a lovely friendship. 🙂 🌻

Pumpfive · 05/02/2022 21:52

I wouldn't mention that you haven't managed to meet other friends! But I'd definitely mention that you struggle with anxiety (you could even say covid has made you more anxious) and you'd love to meet up if she fancies it.

Thinkbiglittleone · 05/02/2022 22:00

@RoyKentsChestHair

I wouldn’t say you haven’t had any luck meeting other mums Grin but yes otherwise what you’ve put here sounds perfectly understandable to a nice person.

Or don’t worry about over explaining and maybe just say “hi, hope you’re well, we never did get round to meeting up for that coffee! With all that’s been going on, I don’t know where the last year has gone. Are you free sometime next week?”

I completely agree with this, you don't need to go into too much details about why you haven't been in touch earlier, especially given the last year or more.

Good luck and go for it, it could be the best thing you do.

Whybirdwhy · 06/02/2022 08:26

It's not weird to text. If you don't want to mention your anxiety just say that you struggled a bit during your baby's first year and sorry you never got round to meeting but things are much easier now and you'd love to have a coffee if she's around.

Definitely do it with the kids - less intense.

If she doesn't reply / turns it down, don't take it personally. Things move on and she may not be able to fit you into her life anymore for all sorts of reasons. You have nothing to lose by asking!

DrSbaitso · 06/02/2022 08:47

Personally I wouldn't.

wevemadeitagain · 06/02/2022 08:58

Definitely text and just say something about it being easier to meet up now there’s less restrictions etc. You don’t need to tell her about your anxiety. Good luck!

Original poster
renovations7 · 07/02/2022 07:46

Thank you for all the advice. If you were the other mum and got a text out of the blue after all this time, would you not think it was odd or a bit random?

OP posts:
FabriqueBelgique · 07/02/2022 07:48

I’d be chuffed!

CandidClarisse · 07/02/2022 07:50

I would do it but I'd explain why you found it awkward first time around, if she's a nice person she will understand Smile

DrSbaitso · 07/02/2022 07:51

@renovations7

Thank you for all the advice. If you were the other mum and got a text out of the blue after all this time, would you not think it was odd or a bit random?
I would, personally, which is why I wouldn't do it. And if you told me it was because you'd had mental health issues, I'd sympathise but would probably not really want to start off a brand new friendship under that sort of mood. Maybe that makes me a terrible person but it's how I would feel.

But I'd probably accept a Facebook friend request and maybe a meet up after a bit of ice breaking there.

yellowtwo · 07/02/2022 07:52

I'd like that OP! Go for it and send a msg.

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 08:10

I wouldn’t either. Too long ago and does kinda scream that you haven’t met any other friends so going back to her.

watchingrnfire · 07/02/2022 08:14

Op please don't mention your anxious, there is no need! Defo don't mention you haven't made any other mum friends.
Just explain the general caught up in life busy with family, you were thinking of her and wondered how she is and would love to have a catch up when she's free

Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 08:23

I think I would wonder why, if you’d apparently not been interested in meeting me a year and a half ago — especially if I’d made overtures a number of times — you were suddenly contacting me again. If I’d genuinely liked you first time around, I’d probably be open to meeting, but by the time DS was the age of your child, I’d been back working FT for a year and a half, so bear in mind that she may not be available for the kind of relationship you want.

Don’t give her the impression you’re contacting her because you haven’t made any other friends.

DrSbaitso · 07/02/2022 08:42

I forgot that she'd already approached you a few times and you'd declined.

No, if I'd invited someone a few times 1.5 years ago and they'd always said no, I would definitely not be inclined to accept if they suddenly popped up again. I'd most definitely be thinking "so why am I suddenly looking acceptable now?"

But if you can ice break on Facebook or something first, that might change things.

I'm not unsympathetic to this sort of problem. I had horrible and long lasting PND. But one has to consider one's own balance too. I wouldn't feel any obligation to someone I frankly didn't know and had that history with.

Still, I appear to be in a minority...