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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact someone I met ages ago and try to be friends?

69 replies

renovations7 · 05/02/2022 21:32

I have an almost two year old boy. When he was about six months I met a mum through a local group who I felt I got on well with. She texted to invite me for coffee a few times but I was too anxious to go due to my social anxiety issues and made my excuses. Almost 1.5 years later I’m feeling quite alone and wish I had made more effort to connect with her, as I’ve not had much luck meeting mums through other baby and toddler groups. Would it be okay to text her out of the blue after all this time and try to arrange a coffee, or would it come across as strange? I’m hopeless in social situations so wanted to get some advice!

OP posts:
ESGdance · 07/02/2022 08:42

It’s been Covid restrictions for the last 18 months - so totally normal.

Send a text - bright and breezy.

Don’t say you are anxious.

What other avenues can you now re explore now that restrictions have lifted?

RealBecca · 07/02/2022 08:54

Hi, this is X from Y, hope you have been keeping well, it's been a crazy couple of years. How is [childs name]? As its getting warmer we have started going to X park on saturday mornings, would be great to see you there sometime!

Then of she comes slip it into the conversation that you're sorry you weren't able to catch up when she offered a few years ago but you had a lot on your plate and weren't up to it.

Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 09:02

@DrSbaitso

I forgot that she'd already approached you a few times and you'd declined.

No, if I'd invited someone a few times 1.5 years ago and they'd always said no, I would definitely not be inclined to accept if they suddenly popped up again. I'd most definitely be thinking "so why am I suddenly looking acceptable now?"

But if you can ice break on Facebook or something first, that might change things.

I'm not unsympathetic to this sort of problem. I had horrible and long lasting PND. But one has to consider one's own balance too. I wouldn't feel any obligation to someone I frankly didn't know and had that history with.

Still, I appear to be in a minority...

I think that’s fair enough. I likewise had a very tough, isolated time on maternity leave, and would be sympathetic, but if I thought I was being set up as the ‘crutch to lean on when all other overtures have failed’ friendship to someone I had no pre-existing relationship with, I’d be primarily considering my own needs/available time. Plus if I were back at work, our availability would almost certainly be very different.
OnlyClothes · 07/02/2022 09:05

I’d text her and ask. But I’d assume she’d deleted my number so I’d phrase it something like ‘hi, I don’t know if you remember me, my name’s Reno, we met at blah blah blah’ so she doesn’t have to sit there wondering who the heck you are!

Teaforme123 · 07/02/2022 09:10

@DrSbaitso

I forgot that she'd already approached you a few times and you'd declined.

No, if I'd invited someone a few times 1.5 years ago and they'd always said no, I would definitely not be inclined to accept if they suddenly popped up again. I'd most definitely be thinking "so why am I suddenly looking acceptable now?"

But if you can ice break on Facebook or something first, that might change things.

I'm not unsympathetic to this sort of problem. I had horrible and long lasting PND. But one has to consider one's own balance too. I wouldn't feel any obligation to someone I frankly didn't know and had that history with.

Still, I appear to be in a minority...

I agree with you. I think it might come across as a bit strange and sudden, however you have nothing to lose. Maybe id just say something like " Hi, I was just wondering how you and your DC were? We never did get to meet up for that coffee did we, do you fancy it still?" Luckily you can blame covid for the lack of contact, she can only say no you've nothing to lose!
Original poster
renovations7 · 07/02/2022 12:48

I think I will probably leave it as I’m worried about coming across as strange or desperate (even though I am!) Perhaps I’m better suited to not really having friends - trying to work out how to form friendships in the first place and then maintain them gives me so much anxiety!

OP posts:
Teaforme123 · 07/02/2022 16:11

That's a shame. You obviously really want to get in touch with this woman so I actually think you should just bite the bullet! Who cares if she thinks it's odd and doesn't reply, you can only try! You never know, she might be desperately trying to make friends too!

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 16:30

The op wants to get in touch as she hasn’t made any other friends.

DaisyChains3 · 07/02/2022 16:38

I would say you've had a lot going on in your life so haven’t felt up to meeting people much until now.
Or say you wrote her number down and then lost it. Have just found it.

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 16:39

I wouldn't be over the moon if you suddenly contacted me after that time to be honest, especially if you had turned me down a few times and didn't offer me any alternative times.
You are clearly using her as you have no one else. Who wants to be someone's last resort.
I do understand that being socially anxious is crippling. Maybe it might be a good idea to explore why friendships havent developed at the toddler groups? I don't mean that in a horrible way, just to reflect on how you coped in a group, what stopped things progressing to meeting up away from the setting etc.

YetAnotherUsernameToday · 07/02/2022 16:40

I'd be chuffed if you got in touch with me. And how do you explain the last 18 months? Easy - you've had a lot going on with lockdown etc and are only just starting to go out again. It doesn't look desperate unless you've sent her loads of messages!

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 16:41

Who cares if she thinks it's odd and doesn't reply, you can only try!
Personally I think that is terrible advice. OP is anxious enough. A rejection won't help her self esteem at all!

Gowithme · 07/02/2022 16:51

But if you come across as strange and desperate and she doesn't reply/says she's really busy then you haven't lost anything - and you can then freely decide you're not suited to having friends if you want to.
But why not give it a shot - someone people would be really pleased, others wouldn't be interested, but you won't know unless you try. You could try something along the lines of 'Hi, how are you and your little one doing? I've missed seeing you at group and wondered if you were still up for a coffee? Covid has made everything a bit crazy but we're planning on going to X on Thursday if you're able to come?' I don't see how anyone could be offended by that.

Gowithme · 07/02/2022 16:53

@notacooldad

Who cares if she thinks it's odd and doesn't reply, you can only try! Personally I think that is terrible advice. OP is anxious enough. A rejection won't help her self esteem at all!
But the alternative is that she allows herself to be controlled by her fear of rejection.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/02/2022 17:01

I would find it strange if someone I vaguely knew 18 months ago contacted me out of the blue, but if I liked them and had time to spare I might meet them out of curiosity.

Don't forget though, she may be back at work and have put the baby stage behind her, or she may have made a nice bunch of friends and just not be keen anymore.

But fuck it, I don't see the harm trying. That way you can say "Well, I gave it a go."

nordica · 07/02/2022 17:01

You could refer to things now getting back to normal after covid times - I think most people would understand surely? You don't have to give her the full history of your social anxiety and can still refer to how you didn't want to be in crowded places during covid or whatever. I'm meeting up with a friend tomorrow and we haven't seen in each other in person for almost 2 years with all the lockdowns and general covid times and I think lots will be in the same boat starting to attend things in person again.

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 17:04

But the alternative is that she allows herself to be controlled by her fear of rejection
I agree with you to a point but personally I would start with something else that wasn't so important to the OP so it didn't hurt or matter so much if she was rejected. I would advice baby steps in building up confidence.

However in this case it may work out.

Good luck to OP, I hope you do make some friends but the trick is not to force things and let them happen organically.

Teaforme123 · 07/02/2022 17:07

notacooldad

It's not terrible advice at all, she's nothing to lose, and if they do meet up and make friends then it could help OPs self esteem hugely.

Your comment that OP is using this lady is ridiculous and clearly you have never suffered from social awkwardness and anxiety.

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 17:30

Your comment that OP is using this lady is ridiculous
OP more or less says so her self. She hasn't made friends with a group at baby sessions she has no one else so she has remembered someone from 18 months ago that she liked. If she had made friends she wouldnt be wanting to contact her.
Others have said the same so why are you just challenging me.

and clearly you have never suffered from social awkwardness and anxiety.
And you clearly havent read my medical notes from 30 years go after I suffered a trauma after a n attack and needed a lot of support and thearpy to come back from.

That caused social anxiety and I didnt leave the house unless I really had to for over 2 years.

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 17:40

I agree the op wouldn’t want to reach out to this women if she had made other friends. So let’s be honest, she wouldn’t. Which means she’s only doing it because she hasn’t. No point pretending that isn’t true. The op wouldn’t have given this woman a second thought if she had made friends but she’s thinking about it because she hasn’t.

Teaforme123 · 07/02/2022 17:54

@notacooldad well I'm sorry to hear that so I'll apologize.

However I don't think she's using anyone. Adult friendships are hard. She's clicked with this lady and wished she'd stayed in touch.

Nandocushion · 07/02/2022 18:09

@renovations7

I think I will probably leave it as I’m worried about coming across as strange or desperate (even though I am!) Perhaps I’m better suited to not really having friends - trying to work out how to form friendships in the first place and then maintain them gives me so much anxiety!
This is really a shame. OP, please do contact her, just first a text to say 'how are you and DC' and be friendly. See if she responds. Then, re going for coffee or whatever, understand that she might be a bit wary given that you made yourself unavailable before, so I'd go along the lines of making plans for you and your DC at, say, a local park - 'I'm going to take DC over to X playground on Tuesday at noon and then we might get a sandwich after, if you and DC would like to join us we'd love to see you and catch up'. If you meet out at a park or playground then it's less one-on-one pressure with all the other distractions going on and maybe less stressful for you. And if she doesn't show for any reason, you've still been out with your DC, and you may meet someone different.

No need to reveal social anxiety or anything like that during text. If you meet up again and do have a connection, you can reveal it in time.

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 18:31

However I don't think she's using anyone. Adult friendships are hard. She's clicked with this lady and wished she'd stayed in touch

Of course it's hard to make friends.
I was just concerned that the lady gave the OP several chances and she turned them down. Of course we know the back story with the anxiety and it is an absolute bugger. However not everyone understands. I just didnt want the OP to slip backwards with her mental health if she was rejected.

Crunched · 07/02/2022 18:36

A (now) good friend did this to me. We met at a toddler group once but her nanny usually brought her DS as she worked that day. Over a year later she texted, she remembered me as friendly and was feeling a bit lacking in Mum mates.
Please do it Reno - the worse that can happen is she doesn't reply.

Aubree17 · 07/02/2022 18:37

Absolutely get in touch.

Hi .... hope you are well. If the offer of coffee still stands I'd love to catch up. I apologise for the delayed response ... things were so hectic last year. I had so much going on but I'd love to catch up now if your free x

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