To contact someone I met ages ago and try to be friends?

[renovations7]

I have an almost two year old boy. When he was about six months I met a mum through a local group who I felt I got on well with. She texted to invite me for coffee a few times but I was too anxious to go due to my social anxiety issues and made my excuses. Almost 1.5 years later I’m feeling quite alone and wish I had made more effort to connect with her, as I’ve not had much luck meeting mums through other baby and toddler groups. Would it be okay to text her out of the blue after all this time and try to arrange a coffee, or would it come across as strange? I’m hopeless in social situations so wanted to get some advice!

@Aubree17

Absolutely get in touch.

Hi .... hope you are well. If the offer of coffee still stands I'd love to catch up. I apologise for the delayed response ... things were so hectic last year. I had so much going on but I'd love to catch up now if your free x

Delayed response? It's been 18 months! I'd read that text and laugh at how absurd it sounds.

I think you should contact her. If someone I had asked for coffee a couple of years ago got in touch and explained that social anxiety got in the way of accepting but that they were feeling much better, wished they had taken me up on it etc then (if I wasn’t back to work etc) I would respond and go. I’d also probably feel better myself that you hadn’t just ignored me!! I really think you should tell her why though. If I just got a message saying sorry for delayed response, things have been hectic, covid blah I’d ignore it as nonsense. It’s been 18 months so the ONLY plausible reason is social anxiety in this case. I’d think anything else you sent was batty.

How about sending something bland, like you were looking up something else and found her old messages and wondered how she and [her baby name] are doing.

Don't ask her to meet up to start with, just ask how they are and hope they are OK. See how positively or not she responds.

I mean, it’s worth a try, you’ve got nothing to lose. Just don’t take it to heart if you don’t get a response.

On the flip side of this, I struggled terribly on maternity leave and tried to be really friendly, smiley and chatty with people at groups. I swapped numbers with one mum and then asked her for coffee a couple of times and she made her polite excuses. I had bad PND at the time and I have always had social anxiety, it took me a lot to put myself out there. I was quite gutted. If she’d texted me nearly two years later, I’d be very suspicious and wonder why I wasn’t good enough for her at the time! The rejection hurt my feelings too at a time I felt very vulnerable.

@MargosKaftan

How about sending something bland, like you were looking up something else and found her old messages and wondered how she and [her baby name] are doing.

Don't ask her to meet up to start with, just ask how they are and hope they are OK. See how positively or not she responds.

Do this and or a Facebook friend request.

@Aubree17

Absolutely get in touch.

Hi .... hope you are well. If the offer of coffee still stands I'd love to catch up. I apologise for the delayed response ... things were so hectic last year. I had so much going on but I'd love to catch up now if your free x

18 months isn't a delayed response.

@renovations7

Thank you for all the advice. If you were the other mum and got a text out of the blue after all this time, would you not think it was odd or a bit random?

No I’d be really pleased. Truly.

I'm not using anyone at all. I can see why people interpreted my post in that way, but the truth is - I was desperate to accept this mum's invites at the time and wished so much that I was able to, but my social anxiety was so bad that I just couldn't bring myself to do it so I made my excuses (and beat myself up afterwards!)

I did continue going to groups for the sake of my son, but wasn't able to meet anyone there either, again due to terrible anxiety. I'm so afraid of chatting to people I don't know.

What I'm trying to say is, I wish I'd had the courage to accept the first mum's invites. It's not that I was looking for someone better to come along at all - I was just too scared to accept her invitations and then too scared to meet anyone else as well.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well; I hope it makes sense.

I guess people are saying If you had made other friends would you be attempting to contact this woman again? Don’t need to answer but be honest with yourself.

I'd be more than happy to meet up if you texted me in this scenario

Go for it! I was incredibly lonely whilst the children were little, I don't think it would be odd at all, especially as meeting up with people has been hit and miss over the last year or so anyway. I wish I had been braver years ago. Hope it works out!

I'd find it odd tbh.

Making excuses due to your anxiety (she didn't know that) when she was up for meeting a few times at the time... and then now you suddenly want to hang.

Has your social anxiety now improved?

Ok apologise for not getting back sooner as opposed to the "delayed response".

I'd be delighted you got back in touch. But it's clear from this thread not everyone would feel the same.

Do it. Honestly.

You've got nothing to lose and a possible friendship to gain.

I have social anxiety, so I completely understand you wanting to engage but making excuses to get out of it. If you're feeling up to it now then seriously go for it. If she doesn't respond, so be it. You've not lost anything.

Definitely do it OP!

I had a very similar sort of situation once (anxiety on my part) and I also decided to reach out; we are now really good friends.

Another saying do it OP. This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I’d just think it was lovely to hear from you etc, I’d definitely be up for meeting.

You really don’t have anything to lose, if she doesn’t text back, oh well, you’ll get over it, but I think she will!

@renovations7

Thank you for all the advice. If you were the other mum and got a text out of the blue after all this time, would you not think it was odd or a bit random?

I wouldn't think it was weird at all. Everyone gets so busy / tired etc. I think I'd be pleased.

Are you getting any help for your social anxiety?

It’s been Covid - everyone is picking up again - she might well be delighted.

Nothing ventured - nothing gained.

However I wonder if it is a symptom of your anxiety to focus on this woman as it’s actually less likely to come through - low chance of success - so that you might be unconsciously self sabotaging any meeting and enabling your own social anxiety narrative.

Just a thought. Would it not be easier to just go to the playground / playgroup etc and chat to who is there at the time - don’t make a thing out of it as in putting yourself under pressure to seek and connect with a new bosom buddy - rather you are just two Mums passing time in a park, group, etc. No pressure on yourself. Give yourself a round of applause if you make eye contact or small talk around the kids. Keep it simple. Baby steps