Sell family heirloom?

[ByMyName]

We are quite minimalist as a family. I would rather splash out on a holiday than something material.

A few years ago, we were gifted a family heirloom. It is something of significant monetary value. It also has a “history” in our family, about someone doing something heroic. We would never have it on display. It is currently kept in a box in the attic. I do worry about it getting misplaced, lost or broken.

I want to sell it and split the money between my DCs. But the DCs may grow up and wish we had kept the item instead. We don’t need the money from it. I don’t like the responsibility and the hassle.

DH thinks that if I don’t want item, I should give it back to the donor and let him choose another recipient who would enjoy said item more.

What would you do?

It sounds a wonderful piece. The donor would be absolutely heartbroken if you sold it. Surely, even if the item is not precious to you then the relationship you enjoy with that person is precious, such that you would not want to damage that? I do wonder why you accepted the item feeling as you feel and knowing other people would have wanted it?

Sounds as though a loan to a museum might be the way to go. Do be careful that the terms of the loan are set out clearly at the outset in writing. I have professional experience of a situation where a man had a great deal of wrangling with a museum to get his grandfather’s VC back (it had been on loan for many many years and there was dispute as to whether it had in fact been donated).

I'm glad someone else has already drawn your attention to the museum loan option!

As an (ex) museum curator, I can understand how passionate people can be about heirlooms and special objects, I am exactly the same and would love to keep something like this if I got the opportunity.

BUT I think a lot of responses here are over the top - you would not be unreasonable to sell it if you were unable to keep it or if the money could measurably improve your life. IMO there is sod all point to keeping a valuable family object hidden away in the attic over, say, giving that family a home or an education or something else that is sorely needed.

I would absolutely loan it to a museum. Perfect solution

Give it back to the person who gave it to you, they can give it to someone who wants it.
Anything else is just greed.

I agree completely. If the giver had wanted you to have £1,000 (or whatever it's worth), he would have done that. But would he have randomly said "Here, I want you [and not anybody else in the family] to have this £1,000"? Very likely not.

As PP said, you've been selected as the custodian of something 'owned by the family', rather than primarily the individual owner. That's a responsibility that, if you can't/don't want to take, you can kindly tell the giver and gently ask if either he can find somebody else to give it to you or if he'd be happy for you to do so (i.e. somebody else in the family, not Sally from Basingstoke who co-incidentally also gave you £1,000 via eBay for it).

If there are others fighting for it (assuming because they value the special-ness of the item, rather than just having pound signs in their eyes), it seems a horrible shame for them all to miss out whilst you actively don't want it and pocket some cash for removing it from the family. They would also eventually find out and it would cause real ructions in the family - all for money that you don't need and apparently only took because you actively didn't want something that several of them did.

I think, if you were happy to do so, you could approach one of the interested parties, tell them you're selling the heirloom that Great Uncle Ernie just gave to you and invite them to buy it from you by paying you its market value. If you'd be extremely uncomfortable doing this (as most of us would be), I think that's your answer as to whether or not you should morally sell it to a stranger.

Has this thread reminded anybody else of the old one about the 'antique ram castrator'?!

First thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3106500-CF-friend-or-AIBU

Don't sell it. It isn't really yours to sell, you are merely the current custodian.

I would absolutely loan it to a museum. Perfect solution

But is it? Of course, we can't know, but if OP's DC turn out to be as minimalist as their DM, you're just shuffling the 'problem' down a generation. Meanwhile, people in the family who love and appreciate it now can't have it at hand to look at and enjoy for 20-40 years (or however long), without having to go to a museum and queue to see it, completely out of context of their family.

Heirlooms have two main purposes: to be cared for and passed on long term, but also to be loved and cherished in the now. In a sense, it's almost a shame that so many heirlooms are also objectively valuable and thus present some people with this dilemma.

If it were a big album of family photographs over the last century, it would be very precious to (at least some) members of the family now, but nobody else would care less about pictures of a load of (to them) strangers - much less offer money for it.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Give it back to the person who gave it to you, they can give it to someone who wants it. Anything else is just greed.

I agree completely. If the giver had wanted you to have £1,000 (or whatever it's worth), he would have done that. But would he have randomly said "Here, I want you [and not anybody else in the family] to have this £1,000"? Very likely not.

As PP said, you've been selected as the custodian of something 'owned by the family', rather than primarily the individual owner. That's a responsibility that, if you can't/don't want to take, you can kindly tell the giver and gently ask if either he can find somebody else to give it to you or if he'd be happy for you to do so (i.e. somebody else in the family, not Sally from Basingstoke who co-incidentally also gave you £1,000 via eBay for it).

If there are others fighting for it (assuming because they value the special-ness of the item, rather than just having pound signs in their eyes), it seems a horrible shame for them all to miss out whilst you actively don't want it and pocket some cash for removing it from the family. They would also eventually find out and it would cause real ructions in the family - all for money that you don't need and apparently only took because you actively didn't want something that several of them did.

I think, if you were happy to do so, you could approach one of the interested parties, tell them you're selling the heirloom that Great Uncle Ernie just gave to you and invite them to buy it from you by paying you its market value. If you'd be extremely uncomfortable doing this (as most of us would be), I think that's your answer as to whether or not you should morally sell it to a stranger.

Thank you, you are 100% right. I saw myself as the owner but I’m really just the custodian.

I really like the idea of loaning it to a museum.

I wouldnt sell anything. Keep it as part of your inheritance. My mum always got rid of her things and some of the things now I would really relish to have.

I think it’s lovely that you got your answer on this thread OP

Sometimes it can’t be hard to see things, and others can help bring clarity.

I actually think all things like this belong in museums @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll. History belongs to everyone to share. I wish more families would loan out their heirlooms rather than jealously locking them away in a vault.

@FluffyHaired

Also if you're worried about it being in the attic, rent a safety deposit box at your bank?

Most banks don't have safety deposit boxes unfortunately!

@Clymene

I actually think all things like this belong in museums *@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll*. History belongs to everyone to share. I wish more families would loan out their heirlooms rather than jealously locking them away in a vault.

In an ideal world, I would agree. But the reality is that museums simply don't have the funds, space, or facilities to accommodate the sheer volume of history that individuals hold in private collections (whether they be small personal possessions or a large curated collection by a hobbyist).

What you see on display in museums is the tiniest fraction of what they have in their stores alone.

I sort of agree wrt museums and sort of don't. I think it's amazing when precious keys to understanding our national/global past can be preserved and observed at the highest level.

However, I think that also has the danger of diminishing the actual inherent value of many things, as their (original) context of meaning was firmly within the realms of their part in the everyday lives of individuals and families.

Take medals, for example: if a VC was struck in honour of (and engraved with the name of) Bob Smith, but then sent straight to a national museum, so that everybody could see and enjoy it from the start, how much less special would that be to Bob and his family? How could they easily treasure and enjoy it when, to them, it only effectively exists 'in theory'; i.e. it does exist, but it's a bit like one of those schemes whereby you name a star after a loved one: a nice little honour, but hardly enduring or massively meaningful.

It may be that Bob is relatively young and in good health and lives 10 minutes from the museum, so he could go and see it regularly (one would hope, with a complimentary lifetime entry pass); but if (as is more likely), he's an older gentleman, living maybe 2+ hours away from the museum, that would mean that his award effectively being instantly removed from his life, so that hundreds of thousands of strangers could shuffle past and, if they even notice it, ask "Bob who - is he famous?!"

The truth being that, to the world, he isn't famous in the least; but to his family, he's a vital, central figure of honour and respect. Of course, they know that anyway, but having his medal on display or in a nice box that can be picked up and opened at any time is a permanent validation of that and confirmation that his life and contribution were acknowledged by the nation.

I have inherited several items that have been on our families for generations & I really adore that connection for my dc.
I can't imagine selling any of them as I don't see myself as the owner, merely the custodian and they will all be my dc's in time. Some of them will be from great great grandparents etc

I have 1 valuable item of furniture & when my father gave it to me for out house he made me promise that if we were ever stuck for money we would not sell it but would tell him & he'd help us out. It was important to him that it stayed in the family. Either way I wouldn't dream of selling it.

I really regret that when my mother & her sisters were clearing out my grandparents house they threw away all the old Christmas decorations. I'd give anything to have that box of 1950s glass baubles but I just didn't think to say it in time & then it was too late

Don't sell it op! Find a place in your home for it. Old heirlooms add such character to modern / minimalist homes

I'd ask round the extended family if anyone else wants to give it pride of place in their home. If nobody does, just pack it up securely in a marked box and keep it in your attic. The DC's might love it one day.

I had some jewellery from my grandma which I was never going to use. I checked with my dad and he was happy for me to sell it and get something else that. He did ask me to get one thing to remind me of her and said he had also sold some things for the same reason.

Loaning to museum sounds lovely and I imagine whoever passed it on to you would be chuffed by that!

We went to a museum last week for a specific exhibition and there were loads of on loan from pieces- some were from other museums and some from families. I can't say I'm a regular museum visitor but presume many exhibitions only exist because of items on loan.

I thought you were going to say it’s a massive ugly piece of furniture or something in which case I’d say return to whoever gave it to you but if it fits in a box in the attic I’d just leave it there

YABU

As a family heirloom you see if anyone else on that side of the family wants it before it's sold.

I've just gone through a house clearance, and many things were sold, but not before they'd been offered to the family (and in some cases the neighbours...!)

Yes please do give it to a museum. We have something in our family ( it's not worth any real money). A small
Museum asked us could they have it, either on permanent loan or to keep. Most of us agreed that would be lovely, one family member apparently can't bear to part with it and stuffed in a cupboard. So selfish.

I wanted to explain why it’s in the attic and on on display. Our house is very minimalist and the piece would stand out. I’m also worried about it getting stolen.

I will contact a local museum and a specialist museum to see if they would be interested to have it on loan with its history. I also think that the person who gave it to us would be very very pleased by this.

I tend to agree with your DP, if you're not interested then ask if someone else in the daily is.
My Uncle is similar to you and not interested in history or the life's of ancestors others in the family are so would be more inclined to treasure items from the past regardless of intrinsic value. He is quite happy for others to get the enjoyment, which is nice.

I would keep it whilst donor is still alive, it would be embarrassing if you sold it and they wanted to look at it again for some reason. Hang on to it a while longer.