Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU argument with DM

60 replies

Whitewolf2 · 04/02/2022 18:59

Today was my 4 year old DDs birthday. We’d arranged with my parents for them to come over for cake in the afternoon.
My parents bring a nice present for her, it involves a fair bit of building, everyone is involved in the building except me, I stick the kettle on. My parents are quite fussy over tea, I ask my mum if she wants a decaf, she says something non-comital. I have a dig in the cupboard as I know she prefers peppermint, I find some camomile, ask if she wants that. Again nothing, she’s busy building and interacting with DGD. So I leave it.
Then it’s cake time, we all sit, we sing happy birthday, we cut the cake. We start eating. Then my DM - oh I don’t have tea, do I not get a cup of tea? Isn’t this a tea party? I say I did offer, you didn’t say what you wanted. DM yes I did, why didn’t you make my tea?
I go make the tea, but feel a bit peeved.
We all separate for a bit into different rooms to play with different children. I come back into the kitchen, DM says in a lowish voice (about me) ‘oh look now she’s finally smiling, she never seems to smile, she’s so moody’. I say; don’t talk about me like that I don’t like it. She starts getting teary, says I’m being rude considering all she does for us (she and my dad look after DD for a few hours every week). I say really, all because I didn’t make her a cup of tea and she storms out saying my DD is all she has to live for and I give her nothing but misery…
So AIBU to feel like I never want to speak to her again?!

OP posts:

Kite22 · 05/02/2022 00:14

You both sound like complete drama queens who need to grow up and put things in perspective, from that post.

Sparklesocks · 05/02/2022 00:25

It sounds like quite a small thing in isolation to go NC on - or do you end up clashing a lot?

Bakewelltart987 · 05/02/2022 00:28

Both looking for attention.

ladydimitrescu · 05/02/2022 00:31

You'd regret never speaking to her again over something so ridiculous and childish.

Refrosty · 05/02/2022 00:32

Don't people tut and roll their eyes anymore?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/02/2022 00:36

You should have made her a tea.

She shouldn't have talked about you like that.

You should be more appreciative with her help with your childcare.

She shouldn't have flounce out.

I think the whole reaction is disproportionate tbh.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/02/2022 00:38

DM was obviously having a bad day. Hopefully she'll realise, and apologize tomorrow. I think tbh she was being rude, not you. She could even have made the tea herself.

Enough4me · 05/02/2022 00:41

She sets the game up and you play your part. Step out of the role, talk to her passive aggressiveness with straight adult responses.

You ask about tea, she doesn't reply, you state clearly "I can see you're busy". She complains later, you say "you were busy earlier, would you like a cup of tea?"

She says you're moody. You say "I've had a good day thank you, how are you?".

She fussed, cries etc. just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" on repeat if need be, but don't engage.

Blossomtoes · 05/02/2022 00:48

The apple doesn’t seem to have fallen far from the tree.

ADisgruntledPelican · 05/02/2022 00:51

If you offer tea, then you make tea. It's not complicated. You sound like a moody teen and I can't believe you both acted like such drama queens on your DD's birthday.

Suzi888 · 05/02/2022 00:52

Is this a thread about tea? This is a first world problem.

What stormydinosaur said!
You should have made her a tea.

She shouldn't have talked about you like that.

You should be more appreciative with her help with your childcare.

She shouldn't have flounced out.

I think the whole reaction is disproportionate tbh.

Quirrelsotherface · 05/02/2022 07:38

A storm in a teacup.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/02/2022 07:43

Your poor daughter - everyone spoling her party over a storm in a teacup (or not)

You should've just made her something you know she'd usually drinks - if it wasn't what she'd asked for she'd probably have drunk it anyway.

TracyMosby · 05/02/2022 07:44

Hmm. I dont agree with the previous comments at all. And im surprised anyone thinks someone would want to go nc after one comment.

My mother would make any event all about her. She would pick pick pick until someone snapped. I can easily see her doing exactly what op's mum did. But it would be in a long line of similar behaviours, nastiness and constant putdowns.

Pegasussnail · 05/02/2022 07:47

I don't agree with the previous comments at all. She made the birthday all about her and was being difficult and negative about you.
Been there - bought the t shirt

HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/02/2022 07:51

I'd have said "fuck off, mother" bur we clearly have a very different relationship!

CityMumma78 · 05/02/2022 07:51

NC over that!!!! You and your mum are both being over dramatic 🙄

Thatsajokeright · 05/02/2022 08:07

OP, if my mum told me my DD was all she had to live for and I only brought her misery I'd be devastated.

I can't imagine ever saying something like that to my child! It's obviously a part of a bigger issue but this on its own would really hurt my feelings; I'd definitely be LC going forward.

Kbyodjs · 05/02/2022 08:11

I think you both over reacted there. Why did either of you allow an argument on a child’s birthday

thewomanacrossthestreet · 05/02/2022 08:13

So you both ruined your DCs birthday over something as pathetic as a cup of tea? You both need to get over yourselves.

CanofCant · 05/02/2022 08:24

@Enough4me

She sets the game up and you play your part. Step out of the role, talk to her passive aggressiveness with straight adult responses.

You ask about tea, she doesn't reply, you state clearly "I can see you're busy". She complains later, you say "you were busy earlier, would you like a cup of tea?"

She says you're moody. You say "I've had a good day thank you, how are you?".

She fussed, cries etc. just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" on repeat if need be, but don't engage.

This is a good way to handle it. She sounds like a total dick, leeching your energy and making everything about her. She's not a nice person if she uses her tears to guilt you and is conditional in her love for you. Bringing up 'all she does for you' is really shitty.

I would cool it for a few days, have a breather then implement the above techniques when you see her next.

Flickflak · 05/02/2022 08:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PhoboPhobia · 05/02/2022 08:29

I don’t understand why you didn’t push her for an answer re the tea? If you’re making tea for everyone and one person is unclear surely you just say ‘Mum I’m making the tea now, what would you like’ unclear response. ‘I’m still not sure what you want, shall I just make you a normal tea?’ And on until she answers.

It all sounds way it but I’m assuming this is part of a bigger issue?

MrsTimRiggins · 05/02/2022 08:30

Clearly the reaction from you isn’t based purely on this one occasion. Does your mother have form for being snide and somewhat passive aggressive? It’s a real shame you allowed yourself to rise to her shit tho as it was your daughters birthday but perhaps the time has come to rethink your contact levels with your mother and evaluate what is good and healthy about your relationship, and what isn’t.

Arabellla · 05/02/2022 08:30

Why did’t you just make her a tea?!

Flip

1 2 3