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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU argument with DM

60 replies

Whitewolf2 · 04/02/2022 18:59

Today was my 4 year old DDs birthday. We’d arranged with my parents for them to come over for cake in the afternoon.
My parents bring a nice present for her, it involves a fair bit of building, everyone is involved in the building except me, I stick the kettle on. My parents are quite fussy over tea, I ask my mum if she wants a decaf, she says something non-comital. I have a dig in the cupboard as I know she prefers peppermint, I find some camomile, ask if she wants that. Again nothing, she’s busy building and interacting with DGD. So I leave it.
Then it’s cake time, we all sit, we sing happy birthday, we cut the cake. We start eating. Then my DM - oh I don’t have tea, do I not get a cup of tea? Isn’t this a tea party? I say I did offer, you didn’t say what you wanted. DM yes I did, why didn’t you make my tea?
I go make the tea, but feel a bit peeved.
We all separate for a bit into different rooms to play with different children. I come back into the kitchen, DM says in a lowish voice (about me) ‘oh look now she’s finally smiling, she never seems to smile, she’s so moody’. I say; don’t talk about me like that I don’t like it. She starts getting teary, says I’m being rude considering all she does for us (she and my dad look after DD for a few hours every week). I say really, all because I didn’t make her a cup of tea and she storms out saying my DD is all she has to live for and I give her nothing but misery…
So AIBU to feel like I never want to speak to her again?!

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 05/02/2022 08:32

She sounds really hard work to me. Can’t see that you did anything wrong.

CanofCant · 05/02/2022 08:33

Oh for god's sake, if this happened at my house it would be no big deal. In fact my mum would probably be making the tea or doing the dishes or something to help with the party because she is a 'normal' parent who loves her children unconditionally and wouldn't weaponise a mundane moment to make a scene during her grandchild's birthday party.

CanofCant · 05/02/2022 08:35

YANBU by the way. I hope you were able to salvage the rest of the day once she left. Ask yourself if you would do and say the same thing to your daughter in twenty years time? It's not ok.

MrsTimRiggins · 05/02/2022 08:35

Everyone saying ‘why didn’t you just make her a tea?’ I expect because DM would’ve sighed mournfully and expressed her disappointment that it was the wrong tea
Just a guess.

sammylady37 · 05/02/2022 08:36

Your poor daughter

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:37

She said ''you give me nothing but misery''

Oh wow. What a fucking martyr. Over a cup of tea?
You invited her over, you included her. You're just acting normal at home and she's flinging herself up on the cross and making you the villain?

I've had a belly full of this martyr beast bullshit from my mother in the last two years so excuse my swearing. my mother's position and it is intransigent is ''respect my right to hurt you but you must have a heightened awareness of all of the pain you're causing me''.

SO SICK OF MY FAMILY

DDivaStar · 05/02/2022 08:39

This all sounds a bit dramatic about a cup of tea. You were making tea for everyone. You had tea you know your mum likes, why didn't you just make it.

You spent your dd's birthday worrying about what tea your mum wanted Confused

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 05/02/2022 08:41

You both went into different rooms with other children, so there are other kids in the family? Yet your DD is the only one she has to live for? If so, wow that's v hurtful for the others.
Yanbu, can't stand martyrs

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:43

We all separate for a bit into different rooms to play with different children. I come back into the kitchen, DM says in a lowish voice (about me) ‘oh look now she’s finally smiling, she never seems to smile, she’s so moody’. I say; don’t talk about me like that I don’t like it. She starts getting teary, says I’m being rude considering all she does for us

This is a very common dynamic in martyr mothers enabled by foot soldier fathers (in my experience).

She feels free to judge you, and does but when you merely defend yourself that upsets her.

So the only dynamic she is comfortable with is one where she is free to insult you to your face (but she barely registers that it's an insult so entitled does she feel to tell you that you're not smiling, you're moody etc, you're rude, you're inconsiderate'' etc.

But if you defend yourself or ask her to stop talking like that, that is very painful to her and all of her focus is on how you caused her pain.

This is the exact situation I have with my mother although my dc are older luckily so I don't need them. But I did sit on my hurt indignation at this injustice and this lack of logic when they were younger.

My mother thinks its ok for her to say to me that I looked like death warmed up, but I cannot say to her that 35+ years of calling me paranoid has got to stop right now. That hurts her.

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:46

These types of mothers can only understand a superiority / compliance mother / daughter relationship.

Any assertion of your own thoughts or needs or boundaries is a lack of compliance and is interpreted as disrespect.

I do not know what the answer is. My mother isn't talking to me atm. She's certainly talking about me though! More aunts have been drafted in to be on ''her side''.

She is so ridiculous.
I don't know what the answer is.

I don't know how you make somebody understand that you're a 3d person not the part they wrote for you.

Pembertonrd · 05/02/2022 08:46

Your dm is passive aggressive.
You’ll never win.
Who gets so moody over a cup of tea to the point they flounce from a child’s birthday party. The dc they apparently love so much!

fishonabicycle · 05/02/2022 08:47

You both sound ridiculous.

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:49

If I could go back a bit (in my own situation) I wouldn't try to make her understand, because even though it's so simple to me....... She is 100% committed to never seeing it.

See her less often. Ring her less often.

Detach detach detach.

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:50

@fishonabicycle

You both sound ridiculous.
Your comment is ridiculous.

Have you any idea how painful it is to have your mother say something along the lines of ''you bring me nothing but misery''

cptartapp · 05/02/2022 08:50

She looks after DD a few hours every week for you? DD is all she lives for??!!
Worrying. The clues are there in what she said. You're going to be so beholden as she gets older.
If all you give her is misery, the answer is simple. Pay for childcare and just see less of her.

Lindy2 · 05/02/2022 08:52

Your mother sounds like hard work - all that fuss over a cup of tea.

However, there were ways you could have taken control and stopped this ridiculous escalation.

1 - you make her a cup of tea and make the decision of what type for her if she hasn't expressed any preference.

  1. When she started making comments you cut it off "Stop making a fuss mother. You are spoiling DD's birthday with comments like that." Then you don't engage with any more discussion about tea, smiling etc. If need be you move to another room. The previous poster's comment suggesting "fuck off mother" works equally well.

If this was a one off type incident let it pass.

If it's a repeat pattern of behaviour then it needs addressing.

It does sound like you both need to grow up a bit though and stop the drama. It's your DD that's age 4, not you or your mum.

CanofCant · 05/02/2022 08:52

For those that think OP is BU, would you have behaved towards your own children like her mother has to her? Would you have said the same hurtful things? If not, why not?

SpiceRat · 05/02/2022 08:53

The people commenting things ike “your fault you should have made her the tea” obviously have no idea what it’s like living with a mother like OPs. As op said martyr mothers. If you made the tea it wouldn’t have been the correct one would it? A dig about never getting her tea right, or she couldn’t possibly drink breakfast tea after 12noon or something would have popped up. Any Evie to have a dig. The fact she said her granddaughter is her only reason for living (especially when other children are in the house!) show what type of woman OP is dealing with. Straw that broke the camels back.

And where is the hyperbole that this “ruined” her daughters birthday?

I can’t imagine living with half the dramatics on this site who talk like this, I imagine you swanning around all day with your hand pressed against your head in a perpetual state of shocked / about to faint as if something like a few snippy words RUIN AN ENTIRE birthday then real life must really hit you hard.

extractorfactor · 05/02/2022 08:54

Does she have form for doing this? If not Maybe your mum genuinely didn't hear you ask her about which tea she'd like, hence not replying. If you asked her standing in the kitchen and she was in the living room (even if it's only a few metres away) with general chat going on, she might well have not heard you. My hearing has got really bad recently, but it's been so gradual that I hadn't realised quite how much I was missing until I finally saw an audiologist.

RedRobin100 · 05/02/2022 08:54

Yeah mothers can be a right pain in the arse sometimes - I empathise.

Hankunamatata · 05/02/2022 08:55

Crikey your both bloody dramatic.

You could have easily stuck a smile on your face and made her a cuppa. She did a dramatic flounce. Your as bad as each other.

girlmom21 · 05/02/2022 08:57

I hope your daughter didn't witness the amateur dramatics all round and managed to have a nice birthday regardless.

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 08:59

@cptartapp

She looks after DD a few hours every week for you? DD is all she lives for??!! Worrying. The clues are there in what she said. You're going to be so beholden as she gets older. If all you give her is misery, the answer is simple. Pay for childcare and just see less of her.
Yes, start the disentanglement process ASAP

Even if you have to pay for childcare, it's better to ''owe'' her nothing.

Tell her that her comments about living for DD were horrifying and she needs to be free to bring more in to her life.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 05/02/2022 09:00

It sounds like your mother was spoiling for a fight- any way she could manage. If it wasn’t over a cup of tea it would have been something else. Does she behave this way often? I only ask because you mention going NC and that seems pretty drastic if it was the first time you’ve fallen out. I doubt it is the first time however.

Sympathies to you- it’s horrible to have your own mum tell you that you bring her nothing but misery. And sympathy to your poor daughter having all that play out on her birthday.

HayfeverTown · 05/02/2022 09:05

@Enough4me

She sets the game up and you play your part. Step out of the role, talk to her passive aggressiveness with straight adult responses.

You ask about tea, she doesn't reply, you state clearly "I can see you're busy". She complains later, you say "you were busy earlier, would you like a cup of tea?"

She says you're moody. You say "I've had a good day thank you, how are you?".

She fussed, cries etc. just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" on repeat if need be, but don't engage.

This is really good advice. We get into unhelpful communication styles over time; we don't recognise it, and then we repeat them over and over - doing a fraction more damage each time.

Time to interrupt that pattern of communication using the tips above.

If you can, try and be the bigger person and let the 'misery' comment go. It says more about how SHE is feeling, not how you are behaving. I understand it is hurtful, so take some space away from her and then try again. This isn't me saying your feelings don't matter, but rather you both seem to trigger each other so changing your 'script' is worth a try.