AIBU argument with DM

[Whitewolf2]

Today was my 4 year old DDs birthday. We’d arranged with my parents for them to come over for cake in the afternoon.
My parents bring a nice present for her, it involves a fair bit of building, everyone is involved in the building except me, I stick the kettle on. My parents are quite fussy over tea, I ask my mum if she wants a decaf, she says something non-comital. I have a dig in the cupboard as I know she prefers peppermint, I find some camomile, ask if she wants that. Again nothing, she’s busy building and interacting with DGD. So I leave it.
Then it’s cake time, we all sit, we sing happy birthday, we cut the cake. We start eating. Then my DM - oh I don’t have tea, do I not get a cup of tea? Isn’t this a tea party? I say I did offer, you didn’t say what you wanted. DM yes I did, why didn’t you make my tea?
I go make the tea, but feel a bit peeved.
We all separate for a bit into different rooms to play with different children. I come back into the kitchen, DM says in a lowish voice (about me) ‘oh look now she’s finally smiling, she never seems to smile, she’s so moody’. I say; don’t talk about me like that I don’t like it. She starts getting teary, says I’m being rude considering all she does for us (she and my dad look after DD for a few hours every week). I say really, all because I didn’t make her a cup of tea and she storms out saying my DD is all she has to live for and I give her nothing but misery…
So AIBU to feel like I never want to speak to her again?!

I would be stopping the childcare situation immediately. Your mother is absolutely horrible.

Get her one of those little folding step stools, and when she asks what its for, tell her its to help her get up and down from her cross more easily.... then watch her spontaneously combust!

(she and my dad look after DD for a few hours every week)
Start making alternative provisions for those hours asap.
Not because of the storm in a tea cup.
Because of this:

she storms out saying my DD is all she has to live for and I give her nothing but misery…
Do you want DD having unsupervised visits to a grandmother who comes out with this damaging, manipulative bollocks in front of her?

I imagine you will get plenty of PP comments about you over-reacting etc.
Maybe you did.
I suspect ... maybe you didn't. Reading between the lines, your DM is a covertly controlling nightmare who has form for making every tiny non-incident into a melodrama starring her.

Why would you want your DD around that, unless you were there to supervise & deflect the nonsense?

@MrsTimRiggins

Everyone saying ‘why didn’t you just make her a tea?’ I expect because DM would’ve sighed mournfully and expressed her disappointment that it was the wrong tea Just a guess.

@MrsTimRiggins I guess you've either lived with/witnessed this dynamic, or haven't. Easy to minimise it at surface level if you haven't ... & you are so right.

The wrong tea scenario is would have brought about the same stunt. "You deliberately brought me horrible tea, you do it because you hate me, can't you see how miserable I am & it's all your fault" ... continued on page 94 ...

OP.

I'm sorry to hear this.

What was she like with you, growing up?

And re the comment she made under her breath.. Well, she's not really giving you much to smile about!

Do you have brothers /sisters. How does she treat them?

This isn't you.

My mum had v similar traits to yours.

Playing the martyr, being dismissive, causing drama.

The biggest manipulator, ever. For some reason, her sadness always trumped mine.

I remember once she'd made me a fish pie. I haven't eaten meat/fish since I was a child. However, the fact that she'd made me it (knowing I'm veggie) seemed to trump my discomfort at wanting to eat it. Cue huge family fall out, as obvs was my fault for being ungrateful

This is just one (tame) fucked up example of her fuckedupness.

She definitely had some disordered thinking, in my opinion.

Thank you for all the useful advice where given. This has really helped me looking back on it today. This is the first full blown argument we’ve had for years, she is regularly passive aggressive and I let it get to me, I felt like I was standing up for myself, but in the light of day today I definitely should have picked a better time and not let it get to me! I felt like I never wanted to see her again, but in reality we need to try to work through it.

The thing is you can't control what she says/does you can only manage your own responses so if you want the cycle to stop you need to either fully disengage from her including childcare, or just don't follow the script she sets. She makes a passive aggressive comment take it at face value, 'oh she smiles' yes it's a really lovely party isn't it! she says oh this is a tea party but I haven't got any tea, you say I did ask earlier but you were busy, what would you like I'll make it now? Or when you ask and she doesn't respond you just say mum I'm making the teas now so I need to know which you would like.
You are just retaliating in the way you probably have since childhood

I find it a bit sad that it was your daughter's birthday and it sounds like you've made it all about your drama. Yeah your mum was a bit snide, you were both a bit disproportionate in your reactions, but really? Your daughter just turned 4 and you'll never get that back. Move on and try to focus on what's really important.

The thing is you can't control what she says/does you can only manage your own responses so if you want the cycle to stop you need to either fully disengage from her including childcare, or just don't follow the script she sets.

And have your own scripts ready to respond with.

And i can honestly say youd be better off with nursery. You might get free childcare atm, but you will pay for it dearly if this continues. Has she ever belittled you or been snide about you in front of your child?