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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still care about bitch from school

69 replies

Redladybugz · 04/02/2022 16:29

Ok so I feel like a child caring about this but it gets my goat!

So… queen bee at school (right the way from primary through to 6th form)… she was always popular and very beautiful (on the outside). Spent much of her time bullying others because she thought she was better than everyone else. I feel much if the self esteem issues I have now as an adult come from this girls bullying and making me feel ugly (I’m not really ugly at all and never have been but she was always quite striking and knew it). She was more accepting of me in years 10/11 but before this just nasty and horrible. At times I gave it back because I wouldn’t put up with her and had enough. But because we sort of put our issues to one side by the end of school and had some mutual friends, I just felt that as adults we should surely just be civil if we bumped into each other locally? Few years ago I added her on social media and she declined it. Still clearly thinks she’s better than me. Then I frequently and annoyingly always seem to be where she is! She always ignores me. If she was nice I would be too but what have I actually done wrong to make her think so little of me?! She still has the power to make me feel worthless, like she always did. It sounds really immature of me to care but I obviously care for a reason. This girl has caused a lot of my self esteem issues. Annoyingly she has landed entirely on her feet. Perfect life and family and married a very wealthy man. She wants for nothing and hasn’t had to work a day in her life. Why do bullies seem to land on their feet?!

OP posts:

mushforbrain · 04/02/2022 16:35

I’ve voted YABU because I’m sure that bullies don’t always land on their feet, however YANBU that it still affects you, I also have this issue (luckily never see the bully) where I can’t forget or forgive. She just made my life so miserable and stressful in school that I just can’t. It’s not something I dwell on, it just frustrates me.

sheiselectric · 04/02/2022 16:38

She may be avoiding you because she knows she was a dick and you remind her of that time. I try to avoid people who remind me of when I wasn't a good person.

minipie · 04/02/2022 16:39

Why would you add her on social media?

Bananarama21 · 04/02/2022 16:40

You admit you didn't get on so why are you surprised she didn't add you back?

FTMFML · 04/02/2022 16:40

Life can always appear perfect, when the reality is it’s far from it.

I would take her perfect looking life as bullsh*t!

Jeschara · 04/02/2022 16:44

Comparison is the thief of joy, stop worrying if she ignores you, her ignorance, and get on with your own life.
You are in control here, she can only make you feel worthless if you let her, there will always be people like this. You give her too much power and credit by giving her headspace. Be proud of who you are and dont give a rats arse what she thinks.

FriedTomatoe · 04/02/2022 16:44

It will keep on affecting you until you deal with it. Is your life really that bad and how do you know her life is as good as she makes it out to be? There's no such thing as a "perfect life". I don't know what your situation is or how long ago this was but as I've grown older I've seen the "perfect life" fall apart for more than a handful of people.

WheelieBinPrincess · 04/02/2022 16:45

You really have no idea if she has a ‘perfect life’ and you are bonkers to be still giving it this much headspace. Stop trying to stalk her on social media and do some work on yourself.

UltraVividLament · 04/02/2022 16:46

Your sense of worth shouldn't come from your old school bully validating you (or not) as an adult. Why would you care what she thinks about you. I wouldn't give her a second more time in your head.

SartresSoul · 04/02/2022 16:46

I don’t understand why you tried to follow her on SM or why you want anything to do with her at all.

I saw a woman who was horrible to a lot of people at school a few years ago at a children’s event. Her DD was a similar age to mine and she was really nasty to them, started sniggering at their paintings. The apple never falls far from the tree… Anyway I wouldn’t want anything to do with her at all, I ignored her purposely at that event and gladly never saw her again.

I don’t know why you’re still so desperate for this woman’s approval.

Moretodo · 04/02/2022 16:49

People put others down because they feel inadequate.

Imagine living in that kind of defensive, insecure headspace. She has issues.

I don't understand why you are trying to befriend and people please her?
You are an adult now, take the right measures to distance yourself from people who do not treat you with respect.

Changedmane · 04/02/2022 16:54

I think you still have the urge to prove yoirself with her. She isn’t kind to you and ignores you. Walk away. You are just trying to process and make sense of why she was mean. Would it help if I told you it’s because she’s always got away with it, because people enable it and because she has never had to consider how it feels to be on the receiving end? You want “justice” done- a fall from grace, an apology and you are frustrated that justice isn’t being done. What will really heal you is realising that you are good enough whether she likes you or not. One day you will see her and not care.

Rosebuud · 04/02/2022 16:58

I mean this gently you’re an adult now and you need to stop craving her approval and stop being jealous of her/idolising her. If you cannot do so, then maybe try to seek some counselling help. I’m sorry it’s affected you so very badly, but you need to move on, if you cannot then seek help to do so.

She is not your friend, she’s never been your friend, that’s why she declined your social media request. This is ok. It’s not because she think she’s better than you, just you’re not friends, like you are not with many millions of others.

Good luck.

DrSbaitso · 04/02/2022 17:01

Few years ago I added her on social media and she declined it.

Why did you try to add her when you can't stand her?

She still has the power to make me feel worthless, like she always did.

At this stage, you're giving her that power. Why are you trying to bring her back into your life and then projecting all over the place when she refuses?

She clearly doesn't think about you much, so why are you giving her this power?

Rosebuud · 04/02/2022 17:07

But this woman is doing nothing to make the op feel worthless. She simply choses to not engage with the op and that’s fine. Oh this she’s entitled. But the op wants to be her friend and so takes this continued rejection badly. The op also doesn’t know what she thinks, as, again the woman doesn’t engage and hasn’t done for years.

Everything else is on the op since school.

Op how old are you now?

stripeyflowers · 04/02/2022 17:08

She's definitely taking up far to much space in your mind. There is something deeper going on here. I would say therapy could help. It is likely tied to something else. I speak from past experience of similar things. Once it's sorted you won't even be bothered to summon the energy to have her cross your mind.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 04/02/2022 17:17

She quite possibly doesn't remember you. Most likely she doesn't think about you at all.

You were bonkers to try and add her on SM; she did the right thing to decline you and since then you've been projecting all over the shop. Stop making this woman responsible for how you feel and move on.

Cherrysoup · 04/02/2022 17:18

Can you just ignore her? You seem very focused on her.

stripeyflowers · 04/02/2022 17:23

OP if she responded to you how you want her do, what difference would that make to you and your life? And do you want her to apologise?

premiumcogd · 04/02/2022 17:23

@WheelieBinPrincess

You really have no idea if she has a ‘perfect life’ and you are bonkers to be still giving it this much headspace. Stop trying to stalk her on social media and do some work on yourself.

This.

Seems after all these years you are still desperate for her validation and approval. You need to find self worth but it won't come from her liking one of your pictures 10/15/20+ years after she picked on you.

stripeyflowers · 04/02/2022 17:23

*to!!!

oh for an edit button!

YouokHun · 04/02/2022 17:40

I agree with PP. There is a lot of guess work about her and her life in your OP @Redladybugz. She may or may not be a nice person but chances are she’s a blend nice and nasty as that is human. She has nothing to do with your value and it is your choice to place her above you on some imaginary scale and then decide that she thinks she is too good for you. Honestly, this is all a construct in your own mind. Why not accept yourself as you are whether she likes you or not and not wait for outside forces to raise your self esteem for you?

Psychonabike · 04/02/2022 17:42

Honestly this all sounds like it is about you-

The feelings you experienced in her presence.
The comparisons you have made between you.
The assumptions you have made about her life.
The beliefs you have created about how she thinks and feels, her intentions in life.

She is allowed to have been pretty and popular without this being any crime or having wronged you.

Ok, maybe she could have been more aware of her advantages in life, but seriously, who has this insight as a teenager/YA?

Or did you leave out her actual crimes in your OP -there's was nothing objectively wrong described.

My guess is that your own SE issues created a narrative in your head that has made you behave in a standoffish or other unpleasant way such that when you made the friend request she wouldn't have understood why you would. Certainly, no-one here can understand why you did.

My aunt created this narrative with a neighbour. "thinks she's better than me" "looks down on me" "so popular, don't know why" comments about weight (being slim) and appearance etc. The way my aunt spoke it was like there was some sort of vendetta/rivalry. Except I knew the woman, she was a friend's mum. A nice person who barely realised my aunt existed. It was always all in my aunt's own head, she created the whole narrative. Created her own suffering and denied herself the chance of a friendly relationship. Years and years...and years...later, in her 70s, my aunt mentioned the woman and made a throw away comment "think I imagined we were in a competition or something". So I guess she finally realised.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

And less cliche: If you are tormented by strong feelings that persist over a long time, it's vastly more likely to be of your own making than to truly come from someone else.

Cam2020 · 04/02/2022 17:45

Stop chasing her. Being civil in the presence of mutual friends is one thing, but it seems like you are seeking validation from her still. You blame her for your self esteem issues, so why do you want to be her friend? Someone that behaved horribly towards me would be getting blanked by me, why are you giving her so much power?

DrManhattan · 04/02/2022 17:46

I know what you mean. I see someone now and again that I went to school with (mega bitch) and it brings back alot of awful feelings. I try to avoid speaking to her (I will cross the road) as I can't deal with speaking to her and the mood kill that follows. I would say to try and avoid. You don't know whats going on in her life, it might not be a great as she makes out.

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