To still care about bitch from school

[Redladybugz]

Ok so I feel like a child caring about this but it gets my goat!

So… queen bee at school (right the way from primary through to 6th form)… she was always popular and very beautiful (on the outside). Spent much of her time bullying others because she thought she was better than everyone else. I feel much if the self esteem issues I have now as an adult come from this girls bullying and making me feel ugly (I’m not really ugly at all and never have been but she was always quite striking and knew it). She was more accepting of me in years 10/11 but before this just nasty and horrible. At times I gave it back because I wouldn’t put up with her and had enough. But because we sort of put our issues to one side by the end of school and had some mutual friends, I just felt that as adults we should surely just be civil if we bumped into each other locally? Few years ago I added her on social media and she declined it. Still clearly thinks she’s better than me. Then I frequently and annoyingly always seem to be where she is! She always ignores me. If she was nice I would be too but what have I actually done wrong to make her think so little of me?! She still has the power to make me feel worthless, like she always did. It sounds really immature of me to care but I obviously care for a reason. This girl has caused a lot of my self esteem issues. Annoyingly she has landed entirely on her feet. Perfect life and family and married a very wealthy man. She wants for nothing and hasn’t had to work a day in her life. Why do bullies seem to land on their feet?!

I was brutally bullied by a group of older girls when I was 14 for an entire year.
After they left school, they stayed in our small (pop. 5000) hometown, got local jobs, married local boys. That’s it. They never traveled, never educated themselves, never bothered to broaden their horizons. Their world was very, very small.
When I left school, I went on to university, landed a wonderful career, married happily and generally lived well. It was hard work, but I succeeded.
A thousand years later when I joined our hometown Facebook page, these girls were some of the first to friend me. I accepted, and they proceeded to act like nothing had ever happened. “Oh, how lovely it is to have you here! How have you been all these years? Missed you!” Right.
Well, I remembered. I was polite, but short. It amazes me how people just expect you to “forget.” It’s hard to forget that trauma.
Being bullied like that has made me a more empathetic person. The choice to be a bully over being kind is such a poor one.

There is a girl i went to school with.
i was horrible to her at times. horrible. we also best friends.

i keep seeing her about and desperately want to say hello but am terrified she will be angry or not want to speak to me - i always see her when i am with my kids .

so i don’t say anything but i just really want to say hello - i am sorry and i was awful sometimes. i was going through such a lot as a kid and i could never explain. but that did impact how i treated others.

i am doing very well now - after a long hard road and i look back with horror at my last behaviour as a teen and at school.
i imagine she thinks i’m awful - i’m not anymore - i try not to be at least.

i’m writing this as maybe it’s not as simple as she ignored you. Perhaps like me she is just utterly ashamed and would love nothing more than to say. hello and make real amends.

@DreamTheMoors

I was brutally bullied by a group of older girls when I was 14 for an entire year. After they left school, they stayed in our small (pop. 5000) hometown, got local jobs, married local boys. That’s it. They never traveled, never educated themselves, never bothered to broaden their horizons. Their world was very, very small. When I left school, I went on to university, landed a wonderful career, married happily and generally lived well. It was hard work, but I succeeded. A thousand years later when I joined our hometown Facebook page, these girls were some of the first to friend me. I accepted, and they proceeded to act like nothing had ever happened. “Oh, how lovely it is to have you here! How have you been all these years? Missed you!” Right. Well, I remembered. I was polite, but short. It amazes me how people just expect you to “forget.” It’s hard to forget that trauma. Being bullied like that has made me a more empathetic person. The choice to be a bully over being kind is such a poor one.

But if you accepted their friend requests, why would they have any reason to think that you're still upset?

School bullies are just children. Children may be cruel or heartless or any number of things, but they should not have the power to ruin the lives of unrelated adults.

People who are still controlled as adults by the past acts of children are trapped themselves in a childlike state. If you can really view the past from the present, in your adult self, you can be free of it. She was just a silly girl and that girl no longer even really exists. She can't hurt you now. Be free of her.

Your post has made me think a bit. I was bullied horrifically at school, and I sort of just got on with it at the time. Kept my head down and told myself I would eventually leave school and everyone behind.
I’m 31 now, I met my amazing DP at Uni so we’ve been together 13 years, have a wonderful career and a wonderful life. More than I ever could have wished for. But only now do I realise how much the bullying damaged me. I did seek CBT for social anxiety a couple of years ago. But recently (probably lockdown and Facebook related) I do often find myself dwelling on all of the horrible people I went to school with. I have some morbid curiosity of wanting to friend them and be nosy. But I know I’m just damaging myself. But at the same time it doesn’t stop me dwelling.

It makes me angry and yes I sort of hope she will get her karma

And yet you say you’d be nice to her if she would speak to her, you clearly stalk her social media as you know so much about her life, you notice when she’s out and you see her and you really want her to talk to you and can’t understand why she doesn’t. Then you assume it’s because she thinks she’s better than you and develop all these worthless feelings.

I mean this kindly but you’re just not in the same social sphere, she’s not your friend now. She won’t give you much notice. Not out of malice or because she thinks she’s better, just you are an old school acquaintance and she’s moved on

It’s clearly been a long time since you were at school. A very long time. Years and years. And you’re still so focused on this woman, her looks, her life, what she has, how you compare, fantasising about what she is thinking about you, wanting to be her friend, feeling worthless again because she doesn’t reciprocate that feeling.

It’s very unhealthy and only hurts you. I honestly think seeking therapy to deal with your feelings, this woman is just a focus, the issue is yout own happiness with your life.

If you were happy and fulfilled you’d not be focusing on her. Try to resolve that, what do you need,,friends, partner, job, what’s not going well or is missing?

You clearly massively dislike and resent her. So why on earth would you expect her to accept a friend request on social media and chat to you in a social setting?

It sucks to be bullied at school, and I’m sorry that happened to you. But equally, if I were her, I would not be Facebook friends or make small talk with someone who definitely disliked me.

Why do you even know or care how wealthy her husband is? Why are you even interested?! Neither of you are at school any more and you have zero relevance to each other. She knows this. You need to learn this too. If this is really bothering you to this extent and making you unhappy, have you thought about maybe getting some counselling or therapy to talk it all through and address your self-esteem issues? This woman shouldn’t be occupying space in your head any more - you deserve better than that!

Do you live in a very small village, op? It sounds so weird that you're so often in the same place as this girl you went to primary school with.

Don't.let.arses like her.live.in.your.head.rent.free

Time to move on and leave it in the past where it belongs

Bit of a ZOMBIE.

Probably because she hadn't thought into it all , but hearing that the bully later on in life died in such circumstances that would have brought about clarity on the situation and had her realise that her bully was pathetic and that it had nothing to do with her. Things can lay dormant within us that are then brought to the fore suddenly as would have been the case when she learnt of her bullies demise x

TWATTY BUMPING TROLL

How do you know she declined your friend request? Did she tell you this? How many people does she have as friends on there? Loads of people only accept close friends/family, its not compulsory to add everyone you have met..

You are giving this way too much head space time and you have to move on. Thus why I voted YABU because I think you can do better for yourself.

Stop worrying about ''getting on'' with her and just give her a nod or a brief hello when you bump into her, and go and circulate elsewhere with others.

Was interesting until saw date.. Zombie alert!!!

I don’t have any answers I’m afraid . I went through a phase when I was about 7/8 of bullying one girl relentlessly. I recall it vividly I don’t know why I did it though I called her one name repeatedly (something ridiculous because of the colour of her coat) and I was hateful would chase her round every playtime saying it till she cried to the point she cried if she even saw me then one day I just gave up. I feel awful about it and have absolutely no idea why I did it as was never horrible to anyone before or after ?? I do have ASD and wonder if something had happened that I don’t remember and that triggered my behaviour off ? It was awful and I still feel bad

In your case OP it sounds like your bully was mean for her whole school career and beyond I can see why it’s so upsetting as you possibly wish it was just a nastiness / immaturity on her part and that as an adult she might apologise ?

Stop trying to be nice to her and ignore her the way she ignores you if she gives you a filthy look give one back. She still has her childish mindset of being a queen bee and is probably getting off on you being nice and her ignoring you. I understand it's hard but try not to compare your life to hers, her life may not even be perfect on the inside. Try your hardest to forget her

Do you know that there are actual studies and evidence to prove that people who are negative for eg. People who bully others and spend a lot of time thinking up cruel and mean things or people who are always complaining about imaginary illnesses and are constantly pessimistic about there health actually often become really ill for real and die younger? That's because our bodies and minds are intrinsically linked. So-as you say you don't think she necessarily deserved it, but maybe she did sadly get her comeuppance and perhaps you were not the only one to be bullied by her. I will have to point out that I am not suggesting that only mean people get cancer, I'm just saying that mean people are more likely to get serious illnesses xx

She has power over you because you are letting her. The reason you are letting her is because you are seeking validation from her. You just want her to acknowledge you so you can move on and realise that she is not better than you. You think her validation will finally put you on her 'level' and perhaps then your esteem issues can start to be resolved. But what the truth is, is that you have the power to heal yourself and move on. She isn't worthy of any more of your head space.