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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wine gift etiquette

78 replies

ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 07:50

Last weekend my DP had his friend and friend's wife over for dinner. They brought a bottle of wine with them and gave it to Mr on arrival. I thought this was a "gift for the host" type thing and said thank you. On offering a drink I then offered from the selection I'd bought (red, whites, soft drink etc).

This morning a mutual friend asked how the night went and mentioned the wife had commented to her (mutual friend) that they were unhappy I didn't offer the wine the brought.

Was this a faux pas on my part? It would have felt odd to offer someone their own gift back. Apparently they were both quite miffed but neither said anything at the time.

OP posts:
C152 · 04/02/2022 11:26

That's strange, and bad manners on the part of the wife to moan to her friend that you didn't share the present she brought for you and your DP with her.

If I bring wine to a dinner, it is, as you say, a gift for the host. I don't expect them to serve it to me.

avocadotofu · 04/02/2022 11:48

I'm totally with you on this one. I think it's rude to drink the wine they bring as the host should already have decided on the wine. It's also rude of her to moan about it behind your back.

TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 12:17

See I'd say the opposite. Turning up with a bottle of wine and expecting it to be opened is a bit like saying to the hosts "I'm expecting your wine to be shit so I brought my own"

Totally agree and people saying they do different in their own circles- fine

But if we are talking about socially excepted norms you do not drink wine that has been brought to a dinner- UNLESS it say BYOB

Justleaveitblankthen · 04/02/2022 12:18

What a stirrer you mutual friend is! She instigated the conversation about your evening, only to drop in the fact your guests had made a complaint about it?Hmm
Is she the jealous type?

I wouldn't be inviting the couple again. How rude and ungrateful to bitch about you behind your back.
As I am Ms Petty McPetty, I would now tell the couple that you are now fully aware of their disquiet and sorry they couldn't tell you themselves, so you could have rectified your grave mistake 🙄

InvalidCrumb · 04/02/2022 12:20

In reality I'd probably say " shall we open this bottle or do you fancy some of this pinot noir/whatever that we also have?"

But I'm not a big wine drinker so don't really care about saving it for another time!

Gridhopper · 04/02/2022 12:21

We don’t really have/attend ‘dinner parties’, it’s just friends getting together for dinner and I wouldn’t dream of putting whatever booze guests bring in the cupboard/fridge for me to drink later, that would seem so odd! Normally people bring something they like, we might have some of ‘theirs’, they’ll have some of ‘ours’ and if any of ‘theirs’ is left over at the end of the night I’ll try to send it home with them (but obviously wouldn’t take my leftovers home from someone else’s!). Very much a contribution situation - we must be very uncouth!

Growbean · 04/02/2022 12:22

I associate drinking the wine guests brought with being a student where everyone basically contributes to the meal by bringing a bottle.

Once the host can afford to provide wine for everyone, it's definitely right to treat what the guest brings as a gift. After all, how do they know whether it will go with what you've cooked?

Original poster
ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 13:13

On the point of the mutual friend I agree, she didn't need to tell me that. I know those two are closer so I just gave a nonchalant "oh it's a shame they didn't say" and changed the subject. Then I obviously fretted until posting here!

We were serving beef as the main,so I'd bought cab sauv and malbec, but had sauvignon blanc and viogner in as well. Theirs was also a white (pilot grigio).

Taking all the feedback on board I feel better but in future will know just to ask of they're happy with my attempt at wine pairing or want the one they bought

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 13:15

*pinot grigio not pilot!

OP posts:
Henlie · 04/02/2022 13:20

Op - do you think your mutual friend was slighted that she wasn’t invited over to dinner too? It’s a bitchy thing of her to relay the comment from your guests.

I think you were spot on serving the wines you did. Absolutely no need to open a bottle your guests brought.

99victoria · 04/02/2022 13:25

This thread is hilarious :)
When we have friends around for dinner (or we go to them) the guest always brings a bottle of something. I would always say thank you and then ' shall i open it now?'
And seriously, do people really 'select their wine carefully to go with the meal they've cooked'? We have 2 or 3 bottles of red, white and rose that we like in the house and we usually open a bottle of whatever we fancy/whatever colour our guests fancy.
I obviously don't move in the right circles :)

Original poster
ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 13:28

I don't think so, my DP arranged the evening with his friend originally and then extended the invite out to another couple and mutual friend. Mutual friend declined as had already made plans and the other couple tested positive for covid so pulled out early doors.

Thinking on it, its far more likely the mutual friend wanted my reaction and a bit of drama. I've been with DP for years but these are all originally his friends and school/childhood groups so every now and then I feel like there are dynamics playing out between them all that I don't fully get and as long as I wasn't inadvertently rude I think this is one of those times.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 04/02/2022 13:29

On a similar thread in the past someone gave the OP (who had got similar ‘feedback’ as this OP) the advice that you should stick with the hosts wine for during the meal as it will have been matched up with the food and then offer the guests gift (so wine or chocolates or both) after the meal. I thought that is quite a good compromise and did it recently myself

TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 13:32

@99victoria

This thread is hilarious :) When we have friends around for dinner (or we go to them) the guest always brings a bottle of something. I would always say thank you and then ' shall i open it now?' And seriously, do people really 'select their wine carefully to go with the meal they've cooked'? We have 2 or 3 bottles of red, white and rose that we like in the house and we usually open a bottle of whatever we fancy/whatever colour our guests fancy. I obviously don't move in the right circles :)
We plan wine- yes- why wouldn't you? Wine can enhance food and visa versa

You wouldn't go to a restaurant and say just give me any old white regardless of the food- would you?

99victoria · 04/02/2022 13:34

@TheHoptimist
I wouldn't say 'give me any old wine' but I would choose a wine I like regardless of what i was eating. I love Shiraz, for example, and would always have it if its on the menu. I didn't realise that was so unusual tbh

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 13:34

You see this is where etiquette is just a load of bull. Who cares? Is any of this enhancing someone's night and improving the socialising, or is just a hassle designed to make people feel bad and inferior for not knowing the rules? You go on trying to keep people in their place and I'll open someone's bottle of wine of they want me to, you know, because I actually care about my guests and not some arbitrary rule.

Well said @Pedalpushers Grin

and wouldn't dream of serving their gift back to them.

Why not? It is yours, and your decision to share it. If someone gave you a box of chocolates would you just eat them all yourself or share them round? I’m in the latter camp here. I like to share wine and chocolate.

It strikes me that there is a clear lack of communication as to whether the wine is a gift or a contribution. The etiquette lovers think it is wrong to bring wine as a contribution to the meal, and the wine lovers like to bring wine as a contribution.

But if we are talking about socially excepted norms you do not drink wine that has been brought to a dinner- UNLESS it say BYOB

And those of us saying otherwise have not come across this as a socially accepted norm. If we accept a dinner invitation from a friend we think it is rude not to turn up with a wine contribution for the meal. Your meals with friends sound very much like ours @Gridhopper

Boood · 04/02/2022 13:35

I’ve learned that hosts can be divided into two groups: people who choose the wine carefully to go with the food, and people who will whip away your nice bottle and give you a glass of warm Blossom Hill and proudly tell you it was only a fiver. The former group aren’t a problem because whatever they serve will be nice, and the latter won’t know that you saying “actually, I brought this to drink because it’s the only one I like” is a faux pas.

Missey85 · 04/02/2022 13:37

If someone brings a bottle it's a gift for the host is what I'd think if they wanted to drink it they should have said something also pretty rude that she bitched to her friend about it

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 13:49

I’ve learned that hosts can be divided into two groups: people who choose the wine carefully to go with the food, and people who will whip away your nice bottle and give you a glass of warm Blossom Hill and proudly tell you it was only a fiver.

And the third group - Friends who enjoy tasting different wines so they open the wine they have supplied and the wine their friends have brought (because it was agreed beforehand that the wine people bring is to be drunk that evening). I would never insult anyone by serving cheap and nasty wine.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 04/02/2022 15:19

@ShowMeTheSugar

Last weekend my DP had his friend and friend's wife over for dinner. They brought a bottle of wine with them and gave it to Mr on arrival. I thought this was a "gift for the host" type thing and said thank you. On offering a drink I then offered from the selection I'd bought (red, whites, soft drink etc).

This morning a mutual friend asked how the night went and mentioned the wife had commented to her (mutual friend) that they were unhappy I didn't offer the wine the brought.

Was this a faux pas on my part? It would have felt odd to offer someone their own gift back. Apparently they were both quite miffed but neither said anything at the time.

I think that’s pathetic to be annoyed. Not like you took it then did not offer them an alcohol drink, at which I myself would be unhappy. But you offered a drink. Are they wine snobs? Did you give them Lambrini?
Kitkat151 · 04/02/2022 15:30

Is your mutual friend always such a shit stirrer?🙄
You did just fine...don’t give it another thought

Whadayaknow · 04/02/2022 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 16:27

[quote 99victoria]@TheHoptimist
I wouldn't say 'give me any old wine' but I would choose a wine I like regardless of what i was eating. I love Shiraz, for example, and would always have it if its on the menu. I didn't realise that was so unusual tbh[/quote]
Ohh- you must miss out on so many wonderful chances to try amazing wine

Bettybantz · 04/02/2022 16:30

This is why I always take two bottles - one to drink and one for the host. However it often ends up with all of us royally sloshed 🥴

Whadayaknow · 04/02/2022 16:41

@Bettybantz

This is why I always take two bottles - one to drink and one for the host. However it often ends up with all of us royally sloshed 🥴
This what I tend to do too, if I’m doubt, usually two of the same, so there is one to try and share, and one for them to keep.

And something small for the children if they are under 10, that can amuse them quietly and independently the morning after while the parents are recovering.