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Original poster

Wine gift etiquette

78 replies

ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 07:50

Last weekend my DP had his friend and friend's wife over for dinner. They brought a bottle of wine with them and gave it to Mr on arrival. I thought this was a "gift for the host" type thing and said thank you. On offering a drink I then offered from the selection I'd bought (red, whites, soft drink etc).

This morning a mutual friend asked how the night went and mentioned the wife had commented to her (mutual friend) that they were unhappy I didn't offer the wine the brought.

Was this a faux pas on my part? It would have felt odd to offer someone their own gift back. Apparently they were both quite miffed but neither said anything at the time.

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 09:47

It is rude to offer the wine
It wont be chilled or warmed and it wont match the food.

TheHoptimist · 04/02/2022 09:48

@RampantIvy

The correct etiquette is that wine brought along by a guest is a gift to the host, as the host will have already selected the wines for the evening

That just doesn't happen in our circles. We drink the wine we like rather than wine to go with food. DH can't drink while he is eating for medical reasons and will have a couple of glasses of wine before eating, then stop drinking while eating.

TBH most of our wine drinking friends prefer red to white anyway, and DH is a wine enthusiast and likes to choose what he wants to drink and will expect to be served what he has brought. So what happens is that everyone supplies wine, ourselves included, and we drink it all (or most of it Grin).

But then we would also bring flowers/chocolates as a gift to the host. If we had been invited to eat at someone's house whom we didn't know very well we would make it clear that the wine brought was to be drunk and not not a gift (politely of course), but would also take aforesaid flowers/chocolates as a gift.

If we were taking wine as a gift it would be in a gift bag.

In any case we don't have formal dinner parties with people we don't know well. It is a nice informal meal with close friends.

It might not happen in your circles but is it very poor manners to to drink the wine that you have brought
Tergeo · 04/02/2022 09:49

If they bring flowers do we have to arrange them carefully in a vase and display them there and then or eat them?
Well, no. Because I don't eat flowers. Maybe you do?

I stand by my statement that it's a British thing, maybe not all Brits, but the ones who do expect it will be British! I was certainly brought up that if wine is brought, it is offered back, flowers would be put in a vase asap and chocolates etc would be offered back at the end of the meal. I don't live in the UK any more and it's one of those things that is brought up only by British people in unexpected culture shock discussions.

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/02/2022 09:54

Wine is a gift to the host and in my mind it is poor form for the host to open it or for the guest to expect it to be opened.
If the guest says in advance that they are bringing wine as a contribution to the evening and the host accepts it on those terms the situation is different.
The situation

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 10:06

but is it very poor manners to to drink the wine that you have brought

Only in circles where people think it is. I don't know anyone who brings wine to a dinner party and expects never to see it again. But we do this on the understanding that it expected that we drink it.

IMO etiquette and manners are two different things. DH would be desperate disappointed to take a wine he is looking forward to drinking to have it whisked away, but our friends don't do that because they look forward to drinking it with us.

They are as interested in wine as he is and they often cover the bottles up so they can guess what it is.

We just don't go to dinner "parties" where wine is a gift only. We may take a bottle as a gift as well. But no-one I know "carefully selects" wine to go with the food. They just select what they think everyone would like.

Flickflak · 04/02/2022 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

user1471505356 · 04/02/2022 10:10

Its horses for courses, a very little used phrase.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/02/2022 10:14

I think either way is fine! Open or not open. I tend to open things if it works out that way but sometimes it doesn’t - often I’ve chosen what I think will work but have no problem opening it. Wouldn’t mind if problem said “can we open the x” either.

Tbh though the thing to do if they’d really wanted it opened is to bring two bottles and say “this one is a gift, this one is to be opened if that’s ok?” Or something like that.

Pedalpushers · 04/02/2022 10:14

@TheHoptimist You see this is where etiquette is just a load of bull. Who cares? Is any of this enhancing someone's night and improving the socialising, or is just a hassle designed to make people feel bad and inferior for not knowing the rules? You go on trying to keep people in their place and I'll open someone's bottle of wine of they want me to, you know, because I actually care about my guests and not some arbitrary rule.

Aside from that, this is why I think it's a great idea to bring something else such as a digestif or nice after dinner chocolates that the host might not have in already. Then at the end of the meal they can happily say oh let's try that nice thing X brought. Win win.

Tergeo · 04/02/2022 10:18

It’s not a British thing to offer a gift to the host it’s a polite thing

No one said that though. No one is debating turning up with or without a gift for the host. We're talking about turning up with a "gift" of wine and expecting it to be opened and served immediately.

Sceptre86 · 04/02/2022 10:21

I really don't understand this either and am like you and wouldn't dream of serving their gift back to them. As a considered host I would have bought drink or dessert that goes with the meal anyway. However my auntie used to do this with my mum when she would come over and bring a dessert. She would expect to be served her dessert rather than the one my mum had purchased or made. My mum would assume that it was a gift for her as host. My inlaws do this too and I find it annoying. It's not really a gift if it's something in particular you would like to eat or drink, then in my view stay at home and eat and drink what you want.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/02/2022 10:21

I find thus a bit awkward too, so always just say "I'll open the bottle ive chilled in the fridge" and then if and when we open the second bottle I'll open the gifted wine.

We don't do much formal stuff though, it's usually just my sister or MIL round for a drink and nibbles and it's very normal to bring your own drink, drink only that, and take the rest hoke if unopened for next time (we always fully stock up though so we can give everyone drinks if they prefer!)

ANameChangeAgain · 04/02/2022 10:26

I think the faux pas here were the cf friends you fed and hosted going back to complain about you. When we have had friends for dinner, they have brought a gift for me as the host, and likewise i have taken a gift for the lady of the house. I wouldn't expect a bottle for them to drink just in case they don't like the stuff I choose, although it is good manners to bring a bottle as a contribution.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 04/02/2022 10:27

Sorry…I would think that rude! If you bring wine, then you would expect it to be opened! Otherwise it’s like saying “your wine isn’t good enough for us, we’ll stick it in the back of the cupboard”. It’s not a present like a Christmas present, it’s a contribution to the dinner tbh.
Maybe it is a British thing though

gogohm · 04/02/2022 10:27

It's not clear cut - at a casual party when it's normal for people to drink what they brought as it's the accepted custom to bring enough drink to cover your needs (even though people don't stick to what they brought) whereas at a dinner party it's more common for the host to provide a wine that maybe goes with the dish, and bringing a host gift is sometimes appropriate. Each friendship group differs though!

BobHadBitchTits · 04/02/2022 10:33

At least you know not to invite them again.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 04/02/2022 10:39

As an aside, your mutual friend is a bit of a shit stirrer, isn't s/he?

TheOccupier · 04/02/2022 10:41

YANBU. If you bring wine as a gift and then drink it... where's the gift? Your friend was rude, as is anyone who brings their own wine to drink at a friend's house because they don't trust their friend to serve something suitably nice! What next, turning up at a dinner party with a takeaway because you don't think you'll like the host's cooking?

bellsbuss · 04/02/2022 10:43

We went to a bar b q years ago and took a lovely bottle of rose and some beers. We got offered a glass of juice. I was only early 20s at the time and the couple hosting were about 10 years older and I felt awkward saying anything so kept quiet. Now I would say come on get that wine open.

toastofthetown · 04/02/2022 10:43

@TyrannosaurusRegina

As an aside, your mutual friend is a bit of a shit stirrer, isn't s/he?
I agree and I’d also say that it’s far poorer etiquette to complain about a dinner party to a mutual friend, than a host not opening a gift bottle of wine. If she only wanted to drink that wine, then why not bring a bottle for her to drink, and another bottle or box of chocolates as a gift to the host.
Chely · 04/02/2022 10:44

If we take a bottle it is a gift to the host, I do this for kids parties too so the host can enjoy it later and unwind after the party chaos.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 04/02/2022 10:49

I usually take 2 bottles, one that I like that I would expect to be offered during the meal or I may even ask for it as I don’t like many wines. The second is usually a bottle of champagne or the hosts favourite wine and I tell them to keep it for themselves to have it whenever.
If a guest arrived with one bottle I’d offer it as one of the choices available.

SatinHeart · 04/02/2022 10:53

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Sorry…I would think that rude! If you bring wine, then you would expect it to be opened! Otherwise it’s like saying “your wine isn’t good enough for us, we’ll stick it in the back of the cupboard”. It’s not a present like a Christmas present, it’s a contribution to the dinner tbh. Maybe it is a British thing though
See I'd say the opposite. Turning up with a bottle of wine and expecting it to be opened is a bit like saying to the hosts "I'm expecting your wine to be shit so I brought my own"
Henlie · 04/02/2022 10:55

I wonder if this is an age thing? I remember going round to friends for food in my 20s and the expectation would be that those who weren’t cooking would bring the alcohol and it would get consumed on the night.

But over 30s when we started doing ‘dinner parties’ any alcohol brought along by guests was considered a gift and would be put to the side. More often than not when we have friends over we get through quite a few bottles and we all prefer to drink the same wine, and people are not keen on switching to different wines. Hence we just buy a case in of the same wine. In our circles it’s expected for the host to supply all the alcohol.

I think the answer to this is very dependent on what the norm is in your friendship group.

Notajogger · 04/02/2022 10:59

I wouldn't have thought it a gift but a contribution to the meal, so would open it after we'd drunk one we had bought. Like if they bring chocs, I'd offer them with tea/coffee after the meal.
Weird of them to bring it up to mutual friend though, and terrible of her to tell you!

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