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Original poster

Wine gift etiquette

78 replies

ShowMeTheSugar · 04/02/2022 07:50

Last weekend my DP had his friend and friend's wife over for dinner. They brought a bottle of wine with them and gave it to Mr on arrival. I thought this was a "gift for the host" type thing and said thank you. On offering a drink I then offered from the selection I'd bought (red, whites, soft drink etc).

This morning a mutual friend asked how the night went and mentioned the wife had commented to her (mutual friend) that they were unhappy I didn't offer the wine the brought.

Was this a faux pas on my part? It would have felt odd to offer someone their own gift back. Apparently they were both quite miffed but neither said anything at the time.

OP posts:
Tergeo · 04/02/2022 08:02

It's a British thing, expecting the host to serve wine the guest brings.
Where DH is from, you would never offer, or be expected to offer, the gifted wine because you (the host) would already have chosen a wine which goes with the meal you will serve.

SmolCat · 04/02/2022 08:27

My friend takes wine to places as a ‘gift’ (hoping it will be drunk with the meal) because she’s really picky about wines and often doesn’t like what other people offer. So that way she’s more likely to be offered a glass of something she actually likes.

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 08:32

Oh this is one of the things I find super awkward. You are completely right that the wine is a gift and a thoughtful host will have already selected delicious wines to match the food. However it's also quite common for people to bring their 'favourite' wine with them, especially if they're fussy. So you didn't do anything wrong, it's just one of those mismatched expectation things.

I have sometimes brought a very good bottle of wine with me and said 'I really want to share this with you' but I'd only do that with close friends/very casual tea on your knee nights.

JauntyJinty · 04/02/2022 08:35

You did nothing wrong, a bottle brought but a guest is a gift for the host as a thank you.

The host might choose to open that wine but I wouldn't expect it

Etinoxaurus · 04/02/2022 08:35

Gosh mutual friend is a stirer, isn’t she?!
It’s not clear cut op. If they were that bothered they should have said something, you mentioned lamb and this is amazing with it or I prechilled this burgundy incase you want to open it now.

toastofthetown · 04/02/2022 08:42

You are right here. The correct etiquette is that wine brought along by a guest is a gift to the host, as the host will have already selected the wines for the evening. Of course things can change this (a non-drinker might bring soft drinks for them for example) but without any other context or conversations, wine from a guest is not usually opened on the night.

YeOldePotato · 04/02/2022 08:46

Weird your friend mentioned it.

You have presumably chosen wine that will accompany the meal so its a bit odd of them to expect you to drink what they've bought instead. Having said that I probably would have asked them what they'd prefer, what you'd bought or what they had bought.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2022 08:46

Do people “carefully select” wine for the evening?
it’s more a case of they “will be here in half an hour what do we have?”in this house

Fairylightsongs · 04/02/2022 08:52

@Tergeo

It's a British thing, expecting the host to serve wine the guest brings. Where DH is from, you would never offer, or be expected to offer, the gifted wine because you (the host) would already have chosen a wine which goes with the meal you will serve.
It’s really not a British thing.

For us also op you would accept the wine but offer your own, it would be very odd to offer it back to them. Like you were relying on them supplying the booze for the evening like a bring your own bottle kind of thing.

Bonnealle · 04/02/2022 09:00

@Tergeo
It’s definitely a British thing to bring wine/flowers/chocolates as a gift to the host. It’s not a British thing to expect your gift to be opened with dinner though! I’ve never had this, we usually expect the host to have picked the wine as they know what they’re cooking. The only exception to this I know is where it’s an a occasion like Christmas Day and my parents have brought over a wine for us to share with the main (everyone knows what Christmas Dinner consists of and it’s an excuse to speak out!).
Possibly your guest only liked a specific wine and should have been more upfront about asking for it (but probably felt embarrassed to drink the gift they’d given). I think if that was the case, they should have brought a gift and a bottle they wanted to drink (but not dressed the bottle up as a gift!).

Mumdiva99 · 04/02/2022 09:00

Depends if they bring a £30 bottle of wine and I've chilled 2 for £10 wine then I would offer to serve the better one. If they bring cava and I have cava ready I would serve the chilled one which hasn't been shaken up on the way. Surely anyone coming for dinner in your home should know you well enough to say - ' that's meant to be a great wine, can you open it tonight?' Or similar.

Bonnealle · 04/02/2022 09:00
  • ‘speak out’ should be ‘splash out’!
FirewomanSam · 04/02/2022 09:03

Mutual friend is out of order for telling you.

Wine-bringing friend is a bit precious.

I am with you. If your friends particularly wanted to drink the wine they brought then they could easily have said so.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2022 09:04

Personally I wouldn’t notice but if I give wine on arrival it’s not really a ‘gift’ - more a contribution to the evening and wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t drunk.

I’d only be miffed if we’d apparent run out early on and they didn’t offer it then.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 04/02/2022 09:05

Odd that she mentioned it to friend and even more odd that friend mentioned it to you

Sedai · 04/02/2022 09:06

I would do the same as you OP. I'll always have wine in for the evening, would only serve own drinks if they're a beer drinker/not drinking alcohol and they bring what they like.
Surely they could have just said something as opposed to sat there being annoyed and then saying to your mutual friend, who I agree sounds like a right stirrer

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 09:09

The correct etiquette is that wine brought along by a guest is a gift to the host, as the host will have already selected the wines for the evening

That just doesn't happen in our circles. We drink the wine we like rather than wine to go with food. DH can't drink while he is eating for medical reasons and will have a couple of glasses of wine before eating, then stop drinking while eating.

TBH most of our wine drinking friends prefer red to white anyway, and DH is a wine enthusiast and likes to choose what he wants to drink and will expect to be served what he has brought. So what happens is that everyone supplies wine, ourselves included, and we drink it all (or most of it Grin).

But then we would also bring flowers/chocolates as a gift to the host. If we had been invited to eat at someone's house whom we didn't know very well we would make it clear that the wine brought was to be drunk and not not a gift (politely of course), but would also take aforesaid flowers/chocolates as a gift.

If we were taking wine as a gift it would be in a gift bag.

In any case we don't have formal dinner parties with people we don't know well. It is a nice informal meal with close friends.

RampantIvy · 04/02/2022 09:11

Cross posted with some. Wine is always counted as part of the contribution to the meal here. We clearly don't move in posh circles Grin

girlmom21 · 04/02/2022 09:12

I'd expect you to offer the bottle I had brought unless it was obviously a gift - in a gift bag/box for example.

I could understand you not offering if it was a larger group of people.

For those talking about carefully selected wines to compliment the meal, if that was the case there wouldn't be the option of red or white surely?

Davros · 04/02/2022 09:15

@Tergeo

It's a British thing, expecting the host to serve wine the guest brings. Where DH is from, you would never offer, or be expected to offer, the gifted wine because you (the host) would already have chosen a wine which goes with the meal you will serve.
Fureal? Not in my experience. If they bring flowers do we have to arrange them carefully in a vase and display them there and then or eat them?
DillDanding · 04/02/2022 09:19

I wouldn’t necessarily automatically serve the gifted wine as we will have bought plenty and chosen carefully.

However, if the our guests bought a special bottle, we’d make a point of opening it. Last weekend some guests bought a Tignanello, and we opened it with gratitude for all to share.

ouchmyfeet · 04/02/2022 09:23

I think it's a British thing to expect it to be served to the guests that evening. I was once reprimanded by my BIL for opening a bottle of wine I had bought for the evening, and told that it would have been polite to open the shit bottle that PILs had brought. My polite BIL, lecturing me on etiquette, had obviously arrived empty handed Hmm

Personally I bring wine as a gift for the hosts, usually with something else clearly not meant to be consumed that day. I have no issue when they choose to drink it, whether with me or not.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/02/2022 09:27

It also depends on whether the friend wants wine. Our family does not drink alcohol in any form. Neither do we serve alcohol to our guests. Nor can we, in good conscience, re-gift a bottle to someone who does drink. So any gift of wine or spirits will sit in the pantry until it can be used in cooking, no matter how expensive the bottle might be.
Flowers or chocolates are acceptable though. Especially chocolate!!

RockinHorseShit · 04/02/2022 09:33

Stop worrying about it anymore than your friend is a first class shit stirrer, that's where my concern would lie. You did nothing wrong

MaggieFS · 04/02/2022 09:46

I agree with @toastofthetown . Gift wine is not served then.