I’m a looser at life-this can’t be all there is!

[Lifeslooser]

I’m soooo bored!! Bored with a big fat capital B-I’ve actually come close to crying a few times it’s all that pathetic!

I was such a homebody, loved being at home and actually enjoyed it!! Then lockdown came and went x3 and I realised my life is no different…at all!! It had no effect-I live a lockdown life so to speak.

I work full time at home, self employed so my own business. It’s craft related so I do lots of crafts.
I go to the gym a few times a week, (that’s my hobby) I like that but it’s not exactly thrilling and exciting is it (going gym is the actual highlight of my life-this is so sad, how can a mundane task be the best thing that happens to me all week every week!)

I have a few friends, we see each other now and again but they also work/have lives/kids so it isn’t regular.

So that’s it, I work, I have a hobby, I do crafts, I read, housework etc.

My youngest child is now 6, so at school. She’s very independent so I don’t get rushed off my feet or pestered or find it a chore looking after my kids because they are pretty self sufficient really.

We don’t go on holidays-just don’t have the money. We do days out and that’s nice, but it’s days out for them, I don’t think a 38 year old female would choose to go to the farm, climb trees or splash in puddles given the choice without kids.

We never go on date nights, never go out for meals. No weekends away just us adults. I never have anything to look forward too-it’s like looking into an abyss.
Valentines is coming up, we will have dinner indoors (no babysitters) like we do every year, for the past 12 years, I don’t actually eat dinners so find this a chore, I’m not a massive lover of steak anyway!

Mother’s Day coming up- lovely day out with the kids doing child friendly things-of course I enjoy this, but it’s the same thing, year upon year upon year upon another year.

I don’t have money to do much else though!!

Is this my life-is this all there is 😭😭😭

I feel like I need saving!

Am I just moaning? Life doesn’t seem this boring, mundane and repetitive for anybody else I know! They all have family birthday parties to go to, or a hen weekend, or their husbands are taking them for a meal or they have that thing coming up or this to do in the summer….I have nothing! Ever!!

To give a rundown. In 3 years I’ve had one night away with my boyfriend when we went to a pub to meet up with his mates.
We had a weekend away about 8-9 years ago and that was for someone’s wedding. We last went for a meal just the two of us about 4 years ago and last went for one before that 2-3 years before. Just a quick 2 hour meal.
With friends, I went for a meal for a hen do about 4-5 years ago. Spa day about 8 years ago for a hen.
So few and far between and always for someone else, never just a weekend away or a night out just the two of us doing something I want to do for me.
Do I also not have enough friends? Is this why I don’t have many events/things to go too?
My family live so far away, it’s my nephews birthday soon and they have hired a hall, it’s too far away for me to go too, so I don’t even get things like that.

I have a funeral to attend of a family member-that’s going to be the highlight of the next 6 months probably….this is so sad!!

What’s wrong with me?

Well, things to do don't just jump out and ambush you - if you want to go away for a weekend you need to plan it and go on it!

It's true that weekends can feel mundane with kids so I try and put something in that I enjoy even if it's coffee after a walk or something. We have a family friendly pub we take a walk to on a Friday night sometimes - a couple of drinks for adults, kids get a pop and can play on their tablets for an hour or so, but you feel like you've been out and we usually get chatting to other people too. Next time you go you see the same people and so it all starts to feel a bit more social.

Things don't have to cost much to be fun. Museums, exhibitions etc are usually cheap. As you do crafts you could sign up for craft fairs? They're usually very busy and you'd meet lots of people even if you didn't sell much and it would give you a goal. Could you run classes to make more money and meet people?

‘Loser’ is the word you want, if you’re going to insist on talking about this.

‘Looser’ is how a person’s clothes are if they lose weight.

It doesn’t sound as if there’s anything wrong with you, other than being stuck in a rut. It does sound as if you’re lacking intellectual challenge / stimulation. You could take a look around the Mature Study and Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mature_students

Perhaps you’d find inspiration for a new venture.

I’m sorry about the reason for the funeral.

It is definitely harder if you have no family nearby as for a lot of people, family dominates their social lives.

And I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. You’re just in a rut. But nothing to stop you getting out of it.

I get the sense that you don’t feel the need to make more friends but just want more out of life generally.
Why not write a few lists.

1 potential hobbies
2 outings you would enjoy eg movies,theatre, dinner
3 things you can do at home that challenge you and take you out of your comfort zone but that you would look forward to. For example I love to cook so once a week I try and make something new. You could try new wines,cocktails,books, genres of music,wordle. Try exploring your neighbourhood more. Are you interested in volunteering? Get to know your neighbours.

1. Go over your budget and see if you can find a way to build up some savings for a trip away.

We all go through phases like this, especially with young kids and with covid restrictions. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. So go out and make some changes.

To be honest when I read your post I could only see the positives in your life - you run your own business doing something you (presumably) enjoy. Many people would kill to have a job like that. You have a partner and an independent little girl (again - many people would love to have a partner and child). You have time to go to the gym several times a week (I don't). You have a hobby and days out. I do actually enjoy trips to the farm etc. You have friends you meet up with sometimes. The only negatives seem to be that you don't go out a great deal with your partner or have holidays. These things can be easily changed! You say you don't have babysitters but you can find them. One of the mums at our school suggested we babysit for each other - about 7 of us from the class volunteered and we formed our own group and now we frequently have nights out. Before this we used babysitters recommended by friends - and the teenage children of friends. Like I say - your life sounds pretty lovely to me but perspective is everything. If you feel bored then I think it's pretty easy to add a bit of excitement in the form of nights out or little trips away. My friends don't have any spare cash but do the Sun holiday once a year - they get a family sized caravan for less than a tenner and have stayed in some lovely places in the UK. Or you could buy a second hand tent and have some weekends away?

Oh damn it! Lifeloser was taken for a user name so had to put an extra o in and then it went like that for the title too!

Can’t even get that right 😂

Could you not get a babysitter through an agency? Or ask around your DCs friends parents for recommendations.

If the issue is cost could you cut down on the gym or on fun DC outings (eg farm) for a bit, and do more free stuff with them.

I’m reading your OP and all I can think is how a job outside of the home, being employed, sounds exactly what you need.

It breaks your week up, gives you the chance to socialise and meet more people. It may also make you appreciate your time at home more 🤷🏼‍♀️

Some good suggestions here, I’m listening, I really am!

We can’t get a baby sitter because it’s “dumping our kids” “not having a stranger” “palming our kids off” - if I’m honest, I think he uses this as excuses to just not go out or have to put any effort in.

We had a child free night last week, both kids at sleepovers, we couldn’t go out because “we might get a call to collect the youngest so can’t leave home”.

It’s not just his fault by the way, I actually fell for those excuses hook, line and sinker. Now I know there just excuses I feel an idiot believing them this whole time!

Your job sounds quite interesting tbh. I'd love to do something crafty for a living.

You need to find connections- with friends, people you have interests in common with.
Get out there & Join more clubs, if you are able to.

Life with kids can be mundane, but quite honestly I think it sounds like you have quite a nice deal. An independent 6 year old, No dc with serious disabilities or health needs? You have a home & an income. Is your partner a nice person, do you 'click'.

Having had an extremely stressful time over the last three years with a divorce & seriously ill DC, I'd swap with you in a flash!! A quiet life right now would be heaven.

Perhaps the grass isn't always greener.

Where does the satisfaction come from in your crafts business? Beyond earning money, I mean.

Is it the working with your hands and the skill you bring to that?

Is it aesthetic? Are you constantly striving to bring more beauty (and functionality) to your work?

Is it intellectual? Do you have academic / artistic qualifications in this field? Can you rate yourself against your peers? Are you part of any craft communities that inspire striving and competition and acknowledgement of progress and success?

Because without any of those things it could well be … dull, to just keep doing something you already know how to do - with no one suggesting you should be trying harder.

What is actually preventing you from doing the things you want? I sympathise with the lack of babysitter, but are there any babysitting exchanges going on locally or could you come to an arrangement with friends? Or ditch the gym membership, do something free for exercise (running?) and use the money to go out occasionally? If money is really what’s holding you back, put your business on hold and get a better-paying job?

I think adults should also make their kids do things the adults want to do within reason — DS has been going to art galleries and museums with me since babyhood, and he’s coming with us to visit our friends in Paris in a couple of weeks. Focus on yourself at weekends for a change.

I know my life sounds great! This is why I’m thinking am I just moaning my arse off!

It’s a bit like Xmas day, best day ever and great, all the excitement, but if you did it everyday of your life, it’s just another day, all the same, repetitive and constant, so becomes not like Xmas day at all anymore.

There’s some good suggestions here, I’m taking note. I’m definitely in a rut!

@Lifeslooser

Some good suggestions here, I’m listening, I really am!

We can’t get a baby sitter because it’s “dumping our kids” “not having a stranger” “palming our kids off” - if I’m honest, I think he uses this as excuses to just not go out or have to put any effort in.

We had a child free night last week, both kids at sleepovers, we couldn’t go out because “we might get a call to collect the youngest so can’t leave home”.

It’s not just his fault by the way, I actually fell for those excuses hook, line and sinker. Now I know there just excuses I feel an idiot believing them this whole time!

Ah. So it's a partner issue then. He doesn't want to go out or do anything.

Your partner sounds dull to me

You have definitely come for help in the right place! You'll get some great advice off all these lovely Mumsnetters :)

The more you say the more it sounds like your partner may be holding you back from doing these things you may enjoy because of reasons that seem plausible at the time but when put together come across as excuses. Does that possible to you?

Is there any reason you can't go out when he's in with the kids? Do you have mates nearby?

We had a child free night last week, both kids at sleepovers, we couldn’t go out because “we might get a call to collect the youngest so can’t leave home”.

Ah, yes. I remember your last thread.

Much of what you describe about your life sounds pretty normal to me. Nothing to brand yourself a 'loser/looser' over.

Apart from the partner. He sounds like a bit of a dick.

I think your life sounds really nice. Crafting all day, going to the gym, days out with the kids who are pretty independent at a young age. You are living the dream. I would change the gym to running if you find it a chore. Get outside and run. It feels better. Organise a night out with your friends if you want one. Plan a few things you fancy. On a day to day, your life sounds wonderful to me.

Sounds 'mostly' a great life but there are obviously issues with your partner. Time for a chat I think - try to nip this in the bud before it festers any more.

Do you think your partner is anxious?
Genuine question.

I understand what you are saying about Groundhog Day ,but going to the gym is kind of socialising and I thought most people saw it as this, so you could count it as a hobby and talk about it with love rather than play it down.
The gym doesn't have to be a drudge,does it?
If you speak positively about your life you will enjoy it more.

I don't have any advice for you, but I also often find going to the gym each day the highlight of my week! There's a creche there that allows me to "dump" my baby for a couple of hours (to use your words).

I'm a huge believer in leaving kids places with other people because heavens knows mine don't need to sit here and look at my face every waking moment that they're not in school. The baby even gets bored of me and loves creche!

I realised my life had become insular and dull so I have subscribed to some interesting print magazines (New Scientist and The Week), signed up to Burlesque classes and am now looking into learning to skate. I'm also going to do some volunteering with riding for the disabled. You have the power to make your own life more interesting, with or without your partner. There is so much out there to discover. I'd also recommend the podcast School of Self Image by Tonya Leigh... there are episodes about living a fuller life.

Also, I know you said money is an issue but what about festivals? There are family- friendly ones and you can sometimes pay for tickets in instalments. Have a look at Timber and Just So.

No I love going to the gym, it gets me out the house in the week. It’s not sociable though, there seems to be a unwritten rule of “don’t talk to me, I’m working out”. I never really see people go up to others and strike a conversation with a stranger. You get people that come with mates or in groups though.

Maybe I’m just having a pity party.
Gym is the highlight of my life and this funeral is going to be the only event I’ll have/do for months on end, and I just think that’s really sad that my life is that repetitive and dull.

I’m going to try some suggestions here

I think you will benefit from reading how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. It will really make you think about what you want and why you want it.

Heres a question: are you bored by your life, or does it seem boring because other people would think it so?

Can you take time off during the day occasionally while children are at school and go to lunch or similar with your boyfriend? You sound a bit disconnected from your boyfriend or perhaps you are both just stuck in a bit of a rut.

It sounds like there are good things in your life which you could develop- e.g change the direction of the business slightly (ideally in a way which grows it and makes more money) or take up a new sport (where you might meet people) as a change from the gym.