I’m a looser at life-this can’t be all there is!

[Lifeslooser]

I’m soooo bored!! Bored with a big fat capital B-I’ve actually come close to crying a few times it’s all that pathetic!

I was such a homebody, loved being at home and actually enjoyed it!! Then lockdown came and went x3 and I realised my life is no different…at all!! It had no effect-I live a lockdown life so to speak.

I work full time at home, self employed so my own business. It’s craft related so I do lots of crafts.
I go to the gym a few times a week, (that’s my hobby) I like that but it’s not exactly thrilling and exciting is it (going gym is the actual highlight of my life-this is so sad, how can a mundane task be the best thing that happens to me all week every week!)

I have a few friends, we see each other now and again but they also work/have lives/kids so it isn’t regular.

So that’s it, I work, I have a hobby, I do crafts, I read, housework etc.

My youngest child is now 6, so at school. She’s very independent so I don’t get rushed off my feet or pestered or find it a chore looking after my kids because they are pretty self sufficient really.

We don’t go on holidays-just don’t have the money. We do days out and that’s nice, but it’s days out for them, I don’t think a 38 year old female would choose to go to the farm, climb trees or splash in puddles given the choice without kids.

We never go on date nights, never go out for meals. No weekends away just us adults. I never have anything to look forward too-it’s like looking into an abyss.
Valentines is coming up, we will have dinner indoors (no babysitters) like we do every year, for the past 12 years, I don’t actually eat dinners so find this a chore, I’m not a massive lover of steak anyway!

Mother’s Day coming up- lovely day out with the kids doing child friendly things-of course I enjoy this, but it’s the same thing, year upon year upon year upon another year.

I don’t have money to do much else though!!

Is this my life-is this all there is 😭😭😭

I feel like I need saving!

Am I just moaning? Life doesn’t seem this boring, mundane and repetitive for anybody else I know! They all have family birthday parties to go to, or a hen weekend, or their husbands are taking them for a meal or they have that thing coming up or this to do in the summer….I have nothing! Ever!!

To give a rundown. In 3 years I’ve had one night away with my boyfriend when we went to a pub to meet up with his mates.
We had a weekend away about 8-9 years ago and that was for someone’s wedding. We last went for a meal just the two of us about 4 years ago and last went for one before that 2-3 years before. Just a quick 2 hour meal.
With friends, I went for a meal for a hen do about 4-5 years ago. Spa day about 8 years ago for a hen.
So few and far between and always for someone else, never just a weekend away or a night out just the two of us doing something I want to do for me.
Do I also not have enough friends? Is this why I don’t have many events/things to go too?
My family live so far away, it’s my nephews birthday soon and they have hired a hall, it’s too far away for me to go too, so I don’t even get things like that.

I have a funeral to attend of a family member-that’s going to be the highlight of the next 6 months probably….this is so sad!!

What’s wrong with me?

You sound extremely fortunate to me. If you're not happy, do something about it.

It sounds like you have a pretty decent life compared to most but your just stuck in a rut.

Or like people who get together with their partners at a young age - you feel you’ve done everything and there’s not much to look forward to.

If you can’t get a babysitter I would start a hobby and go out with friends. You and your partner can take turns going out and you’ll have something to look forward to.

You're definitely not a loser.
Sounds like your partner is more of a homebody than you are.

But also lots of people plod along and don't do anything or go anywhere, especially if finances are tight.

If you can save up then it's ok to plan day trips or short trips away without your partner (either you by yourself or with your daughter). It's actually quite healthy to have a little bit of independence.

Traveling via coach and the train is very affordable if you book at least 1month in advance. Someone has suggested going to museums & art galleries. I agree with this I highly recommend you plan a trip into London to visit the Victoria & Albert Museum. The examples of craftsmanship on display are beautiful.

www.vam.ac.uk/

Your life actually sounds lovely. Your dp however sounds selfish and lazy and not willing to bring some romance, intimacy and excitement to your life - so you have two choices. You accept him as he is, organise some weekends away and fun nights out with your friends, get a part time job outside of the house so you are meeting more people, bring some dreams to life and have a party in the summer etc etc. This needs you to become much more involved with organising a better and more full life.

Or you say to him unless he is willing to step up and show you a good time - literally - the door is that way >>>>> You didn't sign up for a life time of boredom.

Start to inject some Mojo back in your every day life and watch your life satisfaction rocket (from someone that has been there, mine was health problems, yours seems to be a lack of personal responsibility)

Did you post before about your boyfriend deciding you couldn't go out when DC was at a sleepover?

He doesn't sound great OP. Have you thought about whether your life might be better without him?

@TottersBlankly

Where does the satisfaction come from in your crafts business? Beyond earning money, I mean.

Is it the working with your hands and the skill you bring to that?

Is it aesthetic? Are you constantly striving to bring more beauty (and functionality) to your work?

Is it intellectual? Do you have academic / artistic qualifications in this field? Can you rate yourself against your peers? Are you part of any craft communities that inspire striving and competition and acknowledgement of progress and success?

Because without any of those things it could well be … dull, to just keep doing something you already know how to do - with no one suggesting you should be trying harder.

👆 Is your crafting business a skill that could be passed on? A mum at school has a craft business and held a wreath making workshop as a school fundraiser before Christmas - it was hugely popular and made good money for the pta. I know a local hotel who holds eg. Flower arranging afternoons and locally we have an artists quarter which hosts various different craft workshops. It could work out a good way to network with other local crafters and maybe make some extra income. It doesn’t solve the boring partner issue, although I find the busier I am the more my DH wants in on the action

Thanks all, I’ve had a cry about it all and now just need to pull my big girl pants up I guess

I am lucky really, I think sometimes it’s so easy to focus on the wrongs instead of appreciate all the good things that are right, but on the other hand I feel like just because someone else’s life is worse, doesn’t mean I have to accept I’m miserable and just get on with it. Balancing act I suppose.

I’m going to look into some of the suggestions and try a bit harder, I suppose it would just be nice for someone to want to do something fun with me or have events in life that someone else arranges or is happening instead of just me having to do or plan everything by myself.

I read your other post about your partner giving excuses so as not to go out when you were kid free. And combined with this one I don't think your life's the issue, I think it's your partner. He sounds very much uninterested in spending any time with you. And other than that time and maybe holidays, your life sounds fantastic. Are you otherwise happy together?

Ok you're the same age as me, you have children, a boyfriend, enough time to go to the gym and you're able to make a living from your hobby. You're literally living someone's dream life. But if it's not the life you want to be living, I suppose you need to find out how you can change it.

Your so right @Wiseupkid
What makes me more stupid is his just a boyfriend, we’re not married. Been together years and years so we have kids, a mortgage, finances intertwined but at the end of the cold day, his just a boyfriend, not a husband. I don’t know anyone else who would still be with a boyfriend who puts no effort in and only takes them on a date twice in 7-8 years.

I can’t kick him out, he owns the house with me so legally doesn’t have to leave. I have no family here and the kids go to school here.

I’m trapped I think is the real reason for my despair and I’m only just figuring this out now. I’m doomed for a life or boredom and I’m trapped in it because splitting up would cause chaos to our kids lives, my life, my home….it’s one or the other isn’t it, I can’t have it all, so I need to decide. Problem is I want my cake and eat it, I want my life as it is but with a partner who is fun and actually wants to spend time with me and do things together.
How do I decide what to do?
How did my life get this way 😭

Also, do you have a friend / sibling / cousin you get along well with? Suggest a night away, it doesn’t have to be far away and hotel rooms can be pretty cheap. I am a loner introvert most of the time, but last summer had a marvellous night out in York with a couple of cousins I don’t see very often, cheap as chips and many great memories. I organised it all last year and this year we’re going to do it again, with a different cousin organising and choosing the location.

Your life seems pretty typical of most people your age with dc, I don’t think anyone is as happy as they make out to be, some may go out more but a lot don’t, some have it a lot worse. I’m a similar age, I am a single parent and DC’s father rarely helps out or sees them. I’m also self employed and find it really lonely. I’m currently looking for employed work just to get me out the house. I swim, gym and walk (all on my own, I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are often busy), I can’t remember the last time I had a night out….probably pre covid 😬.

And I left dh because he was no fun, had no get up and go. I do a lot more than I did when I was with him though it’s hard with dc, now they are getting older I am slowly getting more time for me. Leaving him was the best thing I could have done, he was sucking the life out of me as he was happy to sit watching tv and sport all weekend whilst i juggled kids. Leaving wasn’t easy…the first year was tough but I don’t regret it.

You are not a princess in a tower waiting for some random man to come along and rescue you, you are in charge of your life. Your kids are at school and you are self employed so you could have a day off on a school day and go out, without the expense of a baby sitter or indeed dumping the kids! You could make up the missed time over a few days couldn’t you. You probably have from 9 - 3 available? Lunch out is just the same as dinner out. Galleries, museums, cinemas etc all open during the day. Other mums may be able to join you? Save up a little each week if you can manage £5 a week you have £20 at the end of the month. Also why not try and cultivate some mum friends at the school and swap school pick ups so 1 day you get a longer day to yourself and 1 day they do. If you have free time and your partner says no, do you just go and do it anyway, he’s not the boss of you is he? If he never wants to do anything I think he is much more of a problem than lack of time or money.

Volunteering is a great idea, costs nothing, will get you out of the house and in the volunteering I’ve done I’ve made friends. Another friend of mine volunteers at an animal shelter and has made such good friends they regularly go on holiday together! Be brave, you can do it.
Your partner needs a kick up the bum. You need to establish what’s behind his lack of willingness to go out. Don’t let the excuses wash any more. Using babysitters is so normal, it’s not dumping the kids. Going out if the kids are at a sleepover - you have mobile phones - you could leave the number of where you are going with the parents if he’s really concerned. I would ask him specifically WHY he doesn’t want to spend time alone with you. It might be anxiety, apathy, a combo of both but you’re right, there is more to life than just staying at home all the time.

Sounds like you are figuring out the real root of your post, is not your life but feeling trapped. What is in it for you? A treadmill of expectation and drudgery. You are worth more than that. You have assets, a house, a job that sounds portable. Yes the children would need to adjust but do you think they would want you to live out a life sentence of misery for their benefit? Of course not. Op, you need to figure out your idea of a happy life and start making changes. He isn't going to change, two dates in 8 years!! That is outrageous. Does he make you feel valued? Loved? Special? It is not just the dates I suspect, but the indifference that has set in, and the monotony. It is the thief of joy.

A running group/ club would give you the exercise plus social outlet that you appear to crave without any additional time out of the house.

I too think you should consider a job outside the home in order to increase your interaction with other people. Even a few hours at a supermarket would give you some variety!

To be honest when I read your post I could only see the positives in your life - you run your own business doing something you (presumably) enjoy. Many people would kill to have a job like that. You have a partner and an independent little girl (again - many people would love to have a partner and child). You have time to go to the gym several times a week (I don't). You have a hobby and days out. I do actually enjoy trips to the farm etc

I must admit I thought that! You sound rather like one of life's winners!

If you can't afford to go out with your partner, go out by yourself and he can mind the kids. There are loads of clubs that cost little or not money - look at meetup - book clubs/ discussion clubs. Volunteering.
There is loads you can do to be more social and feel more engaged.

It's funny, the things you say are the reasons other people's lives aren't boring sound so so boring to me! Hen weekends! Meals out! Meh.
I think your life sounds nice and cosy. Maybe you need to open your world up a bit but with travel out, that can be quite a hard thing. Something online? Could you teach a class? Learn something new and physical. Marathon running or horse riding or kayaking or acrobatic yoga or trapeze.
It's funny what we expect from life in the Western world. I think, when I was younger I expected it to be a lot more exciting, but...having children and being in one place for a long time. really slows things down and tests your inner resources. Safety can be as boring as danger is frightening. We need a balance of each I think. A kick of adrenaline now and then. Being a zoo animal VS surviving in the wild.

Sounds like you are in a gilded cage.

And you sound lonely rather than bored

You say that you'll try harder,but hold on.. he needs to try harder doesn't he?
Be careful not to keep trying and trying and trying if it's dead in the water.

I'd try and talk to him about how you are feeling (without blaming him obviously) and see what reply's you get.
Definitely go out without him if he's happy indoors and you may need to just accept that, but if you can't,and many wouldn't be able to accept it,
if there are deeper problems here then talk to him about moving on.
It would knock my confidence if I felt someone was avoiding going out with me and making excuse after excuse and if you are living with those feelings it isn't good.
Unless, you can put it out of your mind, but not everyone can.

What you want is totally valid!

It sounds like a lot of this is down to your partner.

Is he controlling? Or just uninterested in doing stuff? How would he react if you started going out on your own to an evening hobby? Or booked a weekend away with the kids, that he's welcome to come on or not.

Are things very tight financially, or is that just an excuse he uses? If the former, can you increase your income or make savings anywhere?

our so right @Wiseupkid**
What makes me more stupid is his just a boyfriend, we’re not married. Been together years and years so we have kids, a mortgage, finances intertwined but at the end of the cold day, his just a boyfriend, not a husband. I don’t know anyone else who would still be with a boyfriend who puts no effort in and only takes them on a date twice in 7-8 years.

I can’t kick him out, he owns the house with me so legally doesn’t have to leave. I have no family here and the kids go to school here.

I’m trapped I think is the real reason for my despair and I’m only just figuring this out now. I’m doomed for a life or boredom and I’m trapped in it because splitting up would cause chaos to our kids lives, my life, my home….it’s one or the other isn’t it, I can’t have it all, so I need to decide. Problem is I want my cake and eat it, I want my life as it is but with a partner who is fun and actually wants to spend time with me and do things together.
How do I decide what to do?
How did my life get this way 😭

I think with this post op, you have literally got to the 'heart' of the matter. So on paper your life looks good but it is your relationships that perhaps are not so good and give you the least contentment but you realise that to make changes in this area something else in life will have to give/change...so it is trading off one thing for another?

Gilded cage and lonely as other posters have mentioned are both likely applicable rather than boredom op.