Can’t afford holiday

[Dogmummy1980]

Me and DP have been talking about going away for a long weekend for a while now - just us, no kids - on a weekend where we wouldnt have the kids - vaguely committing to various locations in Europe as we have both travelled very little but we just hadn’t had time to decide.

We had also been intending on saving up to take the kids away next year - both respectively have 2 each - planning an expensive trip, splitting the cost between us.

Anyway - DP recently won some money, quite a decent sum, enough for him and myself to go on our long weekend away including spending money

Without even mentioning it to me - he announced to our 4 children that we would be going away in summer for 2 weeks, abroad, using the money we had literally decided that we would NOT be taking them abroad this year but would try for a UK break/camping so this was a surprise even to me!

For us to go away for 2 weeks the cost would be at least double what he won, maybe more, then there would be spending money on top. 2 weeks, 2 adults and 4 children I would imagine this would be fairly significant.

Now here’s the thing - I just can’t afford to pay half of the remainder of the holiday cost and half the spending money. I’m just about getting on my feet financially (paying off a large debt) and when he would be intending on us going away is just when I’d be about straight, we moved in together last year - long story short me moving in hasn’t been the reason I can pay debts off, I’ve bettered my job. I don’t want another few months of paying off additional debts.

Apparently I’m being really negative. So here’s the thing - AIBU??

@Schools2023

Avoiding package holidays will save you tonnes.

Fly to business airports then get an airbnb. Eg fly to Milan then do an airbnb in lake garda which is stunning, loads of stuff for the kids but beautiful scenery for the adults too....

I personally wouldn’t recommend this for inexperienced travellers with all the current unknown travel restrictions coming and going at a moments notice

If money is that tight I would not be going on a flashy holiday this year or next. I’d be prioritising having savings. DH sounds very irresponsible

So is this win his half?

You need serious words or he needs to find a bargain

I don't really understand why everyone thinks it would be unreasonable for you to do an adults only trip if you're not taking your kids on holiday. Is it really that bad to prioritise a romantic weekend away as a couple over a family trip? I feel like quality couple time is really important to maintaining a working marriage?

I’m assuming by half, you mean half of the extra (ie he won £2k, holiday will be £3k, so £500 each) rather then he won’t £2k and you need to pay £2k?

I’m guessing, he didn’t realise that the winnings won’t cover the holiday and got over excited and told the kids without thinking.

How much winnings we talking?

I’ve seen some amazing deals on ‘on the beach . Com) £200pp all inclusive including baggage in Turkey, 4*+ get looking for good deals.

Erm.
Have you actually spoken to him about it yet?

YABU because you seem to be prioritising your weekend away and putting off doing sownthing with the kids.

I agree.

I’m shocked you even have to ask.
You might not have enough to go on a flashy holiday but if you’ve got £600 for a weekend then you can afford a cheap holiday for the kids.

we moved in together last year

Are the 4 children both of yours?

@Mynameisnew

Wait do you have to pay 50% of a holiday hes picked on the basis of paying his 50% with a win? That sounds difficult. Just tell him you can't manage it.

Exactly this ⬆️ His share of the holiday is from winnings which is basically costing him nothing, whereas you will have to go into debt. If you are living together surely the winnings could pay for the bulk of the holiday and you both share 50% each for the rest of the expenses.

He should have asked you first, not decided how to spend your money.

Yes I’ve spoken to him about it - have said there’s no way that what he won would cover the cost. It was at this point he has said I’m being negative.

I’m being realistic though.

His winnings would be payment towards it - remainder would be split and spending money would be split. Neither of us have that money. Financially it pushes us back massively.

We had agreed prior to this mutually that we wouldn’t be having a family holiday this year but a budgeted weekend away could be afforded. We had also discussed that we would try to do something with the kids - but a family holiday abroad was out of the question. Hence my huge annoyance at suddenly having a large financial obligation flung at me!

My kids are great about it - both have privately said ‘mummy we know you can’t afford it this year’ and are fine because they are happy and excited about our planned holiday next summer

Currently I have just poured a large glass of wine - we are speaking but there is a large elephant in the corner of the room.

IF it comes up in conversation again this evening, I’m intending on telling him to have a look at holidays so he can digest the actual cost!

YANBU to be angry that he promised the DC a holiday that you and he likely can’t afford, and that he didn’t discuss it with you first.

Don’t be pressured into spending money you can’t afford.

@WonderfulYou

YABU because you seem to be prioritising your weekend away and putting off doing sownthing with the kids.

I agree.

I’m shocked you even have to ask.
You might not have enough to go on a flashy holiday but if you’ve got £600 for a weekend then you can afford a cheap holiday for the kids.

£600 is a hell of a lot less than potentially a couple of thousand pounds each though - and the £600 was a stretch as it was!

@LittleGwyneth

I don't really understand why everyone thinks it would be unreasonable for you to do an adults only trip if you're not taking your kids on holiday. Is it really that bad to prioritise a romantic weekend away as a couple over a family trip? I feel like quality couple time is really important to maintaining a working marriage?

Absolutely. We haven’t been together all that long really and we live together. I’m forever being told of all the lovely trips he had with his ex wife, just them. Is it really so unreasonable that we wouldn’t have some memories like this too? It’s relationship building - and god knows a lot of us need it after such a shit time with lockdowns.

Please nobody take me wrong - IF we had the money then a family holiday all of us would be amazing. We just don’t have the money. Having teenage age children would mean a lot of activities etc and it all mounts up

Honestly I couldn’t spend £600 on a weekend away if you’re so skint.
Surely the kids come above you and your boyfriend.

Why is it costing so much?

If you want alone time why not just get a cheap travel lodge.

Your partner should not have done that. But equally I am perplexed as to why, having just got out of debt and clearly having very little cash to spare to do anything with your children, you can afford to spend £600 (be it from savings, winnings or whatever) on a weekend away with your partner. Shocked really.

Why are so many people missing the point spectacularly?
a) He's just announced something he expects YOU to pay for, with no discussion.
b) You'd already agreed to have a trip together, and take them abroad next year. Couple time is important too

Camping is not a holiday. It’s keeping house in much reduced and more difficult circumstances. Staying home and doing day trips is cheaper if you don’t have the right equipment, experience, or enthusiasm.

@WonderfulYou

Honestly I couldn’t spend £600 on a weekend away if you’re so skint. Surely the kids come above you and your boyfriend.

Why is it costing so much?

If you want alone time why not just get a cheap travel lodge.

I haven’t said we are skint - we are both on decent incomes but both have debts. I pay significant amount of money towards mine every month - the £600 is literally that I am reducing my additional payment towards my debt for one month and one month only. DP has no ‘spare’ cash every month so I fail to see how he would afford any additional money towards a family holiday/spending money

@Ericaequites

Camping is not a holiday. It’s keeping house in much reduced and more difficult circumstances. Staying home and doing day trips is cheaper if you don’t have the right equipment, experience, or enthusiasm.

Thankfully we have a lot of camping equipment bought during lockdown where my kids camped out in my garden prior to me moving in with DP - and none of the kids have ever had a proper camping trip. I thought it would be a bit of an adventure for them in the right spot!

I no longer buy items on a whim. Say I am likely to buy something the value of £6 in 6 months. So I'd put away £1 a month. I do that for small items because
when bought often it adds up
I dont need it immediately
It helps prevent frittering
I have months to think about whether I actually want to buy it
I dont blow most/all of my money that month

I do it for all necessary and unnecessary expenses that are likely to happen in the future but are not immediately necessary.

£600 - absolute max but we had looked at weekends away costing significantly less - we were planning a European city. Neither of us have travelled much in Europe hence we wanted to do something different.

Should have mentioned this earlier - all 4 children are going abroad with their other parents this year - hence why us not being able to afford it hadn’t been so much of an issue and all of them had been happy with us going away next year on a dream holiday. 12 months of us saving up for it and we would have more than enough

How can you have more than enough, if your partner is in debt?

@Mintfullness

I no longer buy items on a whim. Say I am likely to buy something the value of £6 in 6 months. So I'd put away £1 a month. I do that for small items because when bought often it adds up I dont need it immediately It helps prevent frittering I have months to think about whether I actually want to buy it I dont blow most/all of my money that month

I do it for all necessary and unnecessary expenses that are likely to happen in the future but are not immediately necessary.

Same! I’m super careful spending money now - I’ll tend to buy absolute minimum and if I see something I’ll usually have a think about it. I’m fully focused with paying off my debts and begrudge spending money thats not necessary - hence why I’ve flipped my lid a little at having a large financial debt being thrown at me

When he said - we can go anywhere we want - I thought he referred to our weekend away and it now not costing us anything because of his winnings. If I’d thought for a second he was adding thousands onto what he had won to do something we hadn’t agreed I would have piped up then. I’m just really annoyed tbh.