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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he react like that?

100 replies

sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 10:39

Went to a restaurant last night with a friend. We’ve been going for 6+ years, current manager has been there maybe 3. The service is always brusque but we just love the food.

They wanted to seat us in a tiny gap between two groups (my friend is v large) but they had two huge empty sharing tables and we asked to go at the end. They said no, they were saving them in case groups came in (you can’t book) and made a patronising comment about it being “some Chinese festival”, implying we’d never heard of Chinese New Year despite being in Chinatown. They said we could wait for an upstairs table and we agreed so went outside to wait. I then noticed the outside tables were unoccupied. It was mild out so I stuck my head back in and asked if that was an option. The manager laughed at me and said, “No, it’s winter” and at that point I said “OK, you don’t need to be so rude about it”. He then exploded and started yelling and told me to f*ck off and tried to shut the door on me. I was shocked and went outside to update my friend.

He followed me out to continue abusing me and telling me I’d ruined his day. We just wanted to spend money and eat in his restaurant! And after several minutes I told him to stop being a c-word, at which point he started dancing round gesturing at his crotch and saying he didn’t have one, but I did.

I have never been treated like that in my life and I’m honestly wondering why he just went off on one. I’m also really sad because we can never go back. AIBU for being shocked? Did I miss something?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/02/2022 13:48

He sounds like a stress head manager who is not very good at his job! And really rude with it. It’s fine to say that there are no other tables available other than the one you were offered, it’s fine to say the outdoor tables aren’t available in winter, it’s fine to say it’s Chinese New Year and you’re expecting it to be busy. But you need to say these things politely without sarcasm when you work in customer service. It’s even fine to decide you’re not going to serve someone, but there’s absolutely no need to resort to swearing at them. Particularly in the situation described, where the customer had been polite (even if they’d found them annoying!) So really the manager deserved what he was called! I hope you find somewhere new to eat that’s far better.

Dogshitduty · 02/02/2022 14:00

Genuinely shocked at all the cunt hate. Its a brilliant word and sounds like it was used well. The manager was being a cunt so you were right to say it.

PinkSyCo · 02/02/2022 14:05

Sounds like he treated you and your friend terribly, first by belittling you with his sarcastic comments and then by ranting at you for several minutes. I’d have called him a cunt too.

Marimaur · 02/02/2022 14:25

Wong Kei was my first thought too Grin

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 02/02/2022 14:46

The responses are really bizarre here.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 02/02/2022 15:54

@Dogshitduty

Genuinely shocked at all the cunt hate. Its a brilliant word and sounds like it was used well. The manager was being a cunt so you were right to say it.
It's really not a brilliant word. It's a horrible word. And if you use it because of its 'brilliance" then it says a lot about you.
Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 16:36

Actually really very surprised people find cunt so objectionable. In my circle it’s definitely rude / vulgar but not world-endingly so and I’d not think someone was the worst person alive simply for using it.

Certainly not worse than unprovokedly telling women to fuck off, or making obscene gestures about having a cunt (regardless of who said it first). Bit puritanical.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 02/02/2022 16:42

@sicklycolleague

Actually really very surprised people find cunt so objectionable. In my circle it’s definitely rude / vulgar but not world-endingly so and I’d not think someone was the worst person alive simply for using it.

Certainly not worse than unprovokedly telling women to fuck off, or making obscene gestures about having a cunt (regardless of who said it first). Bit puritanical.

Either way None of it happened so….
Tal45 · 02/02/2022 16:44

Cunt is considered the worst swear word there is - look it up. It's amusing though that you think calling someone a cunt is acceptable but writing the word down is unacceptable and so in your first post have written 'c word' instead.

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 16:45

@Toanewstart22 I’m sorry your life is so dull you couldn’t conceive of such a very real occurrence

OP posts:
Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 16:47

@Tal45

Cunt is considered the worst swear word there is - look it up. It's amusing though that you think calling someone a cunt is acceptable but writing the word down is unacceptable and so in your first post have written 'c word' instead.
The worst on a continuum of very limited net offensiveness, though
OP posts:
AmyDudley · 02/02/2022 16:53

But if you want to get out of a situation either with a)some kind of resolution or b)unharmed why would you choose to use a word that people either find offensive or know that it is being used in order to provoke offense? No one ever responded to being called a cunt by saying 'you are right, I am a cunt, I will amend my ways and leave you in peace'.
Its a deliberate provoker, whatever disingenuous arguments people use to suggest its a great word/it's commonly used in my circles/its no worse than fuck. Everyone knows it is considered the most offensive word to use ( obviously apart from racist/disabilist words) whether you personally think it is offensive or not you must know that many people think it is. So 'I can;t understand all the 'cunt' hate' etc etc is totally ridiculous - of course you understand it, you just don't agree with it because you are attached to an offensive word and want to say it. Fine but don't pretend to be surprised when others don't like it.

So it never improves situations, and really to achieve good results in life we need to learn conflict resolution and stop deliberate provocation and abuse or no one ends up satisfied with outcomes.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 02/02/2022 16:54

I can't bear it. It's not rude, it's not vulgar. It's just awful. And yea I judge people who say it out loud.

There are far more intelligent put downs to use than THAT word.

purpleboy · 02/02/2022 16:57

He sounds bonkers. What manager tells a customer to fuck off.
Can't get worked up about the word cunt, it is what it is. Regardless of others posters position on the word, it was used at the end of a tonne of verbal abuse to op, so I think after being told to fuck off, followed outside and verbally abused I might well of called him a cunt too.

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 16:59

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I can't bear it. It's not rude, it's not vulgar. It's just awful. And yea I judge people who say it out loud.

There are far more intelligent put downs to use than THAT word.

I suppose I’m not overly interested in sounding intelligent to people I’ve lost all respect for? I do think the focus on an intelligent putdown misses the point a bit- I wanted him to stop berating me, it’s not as if I mince about deploying it in normal interactions with people.

Also really as a quite small woman being yelled at by a man for asking for a different table, I think the fact he totally exploded and decided to follow me into the street is far more offensive / intimidating than any of the words used

OP posts:
Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 17:00

@AmyDudley

But if you want to get out of a situation either with a)some kind of resolution or b)unharmed why would you choose to use a word that people either find offensive or know that it is being used in order to provoke offense? No one ever responded to being called a cunt by saying 'you are right, I am a cunt, I will amend my ways and leave you in peace'. Its a deliberate provoker, whatever disingenuous arguments people use to suggest its a great word/it's commonly used in my circles/its no worse than fuck. Everyone knows it is considered the most offensive word to use ( obviously apart from racist/disabilist words) whether you personally think it is offensive or not you must know that many people think it is. So 'I can;t understand all the 'cunt' hate' etc etc is totally ridiculous - of course you understand it, you just don't agree with it because you are attached to an offensive word and want to say it. Fine but don't pretend to be surprised when others don't like it.

So it never improves situations, and really to achieve good results in life we need to learn conflict resolution and stop deliberate provocation and abuse or no one ends up satisfied with outcomes.

Take your point but we can’t always strive to be constructive when situations have utterly broken down and you do just want people to go away and stop shouting at you
OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 02/02/2022 17:09

@Kelly7889

You call someone working in a restaurant a " cunt"? and you are grumbling about your treatment? You are an absolute disgrace, and be careful who you call a "cunt". In your little bubble you might get away with it, but eventually, in the real world, you will get punched out cold for using that word.
It was OP’s reaction after the manager launched a tirade - even following her outside to continue verbally abusing her. Is she supposed to just put up with that? OK it’s not an ideal way to react but it was in the face of extreme provocation. Her using that word doesn’t validate all of his prior behaviour. She did nothing to deserve him yelling at her whatsoever.

As an aside, it’s interesting that you think calling someone a cunt would justify them being “punched out cold” but you don’t think that being verbally abused (and followed when you try to remove yourself from the confrontation) justifies calling someone a cunt. Weird place to draw a line.

Dogshitduty · 02/02/2022 18:45

GrinGrin

Toanewstart22 · 02/02/2022 19:50

[quote sicklycolleague]@Toanewstart22 I’m sorry your life is so dull you couldn’t conceive of such a very real occurrence[/quote]
I know that you regard this experience as a measure of how exciting someone’s life is Grin

Toanewstart22 · 02/02/2022 19:50

love

5keletor · 02/02/2022 20:18

I don't think @Kelly7889 was justifying anyone being punched for saying that word, however she's right in that there are plenty of people who would go for the OP if she called them that word. I think the issue is people feel big enough to throw the word around, but are often not prepared when they say it to someone who will escalate the confrontation.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 02/02/2022 20:32

Also really as a quite small woman being yelled at by a man for asking for a different table, I think the fact he totally exploded and decided to follow me into the street is far more offensive / intimidating than any of the words used

But you had a "large" (in your words) male friend with you. Don't get why you wouldn't just walk away rather than making yourself look common and uneducated by whipping out the C word. Yeah tell him to piss off and you aren't ever darkening his door again etc etc but the rest of it wasn't necessary. You should have acted like an adult and walked away.

Outlyingtrout · 02/02/2022 20:40

Don't get why you wouldn't just walk away rather than making yourself look common and uneducated by whipping out the C word… You should have acted like an adult and walked away.

She did. He followed her outside.

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 20:47

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

Also really as a quite small woman being yelled at by a man for asking for a different table, I think the fact he totally exploded and decided to follow me into the street is far more offensive / intimidating than any of the words used

But you had a "large" (in your words) male friend with you. Don't get why you wouldn't just walk away rather than making yourself look common and uneducated by whipping out the C word. Yeah tell him to piss off and you aren't ever darkening his door again etc etc but the rest of it wasn't necessary. You should have acted like an adult and walked away.

Some of us don’t care whether other people think we look “common” because we’re not massively hung up on it. And I know I’m well-educated, an altercation with someone being an obnoxious twat isn’t going to convince me otherwise. I was already walking away when he came outside.

The presence of my large male friend doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable

OP posts:
Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 20:48

@5keletor

I don't think *@Kelly7889* was justifying anyone being punched for saying that word, however she's right in that there are plenty of people who would go for the OP if she called them that word. I think the issue is people feel big enough to throw the word around, but are often not prepared when they say it to someone who will escalate the confrontation.
Fair, although I doubt it really escalated anything, he became a bit rude and gesticulated about not having a cunt (which was weird and grim) but did finally naff off back inside
OP posts:
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