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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he react like that?

100 replies

sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 10:39

Went to a restaurant last night with a friend. We’ve been going for 6+ years, current manager has been there maybe 3. The service is always brusque but we just love the food.

They wanted to seat us in a tiny gap between two groups (my friend is v large) but they had two huge empty sharing tables and we asked to go at the end. They said no, they were saving them in case groups came in (you can’t book) and made a patronising comment about it being “some Chinese festival”, implying we’d never heard of Chinese New Year despite being in Chinatown. They said we could wait for an upstairs table and we agreed so went outside to wait. I then noticed the outside tables were unoccupied. It was mild out so I stuck my head back in and asked if that was an option. The manager laughed at me and said, “No, it’s winter” and at that point I said “OK, you don’t need to be so rude about it”. He then exploded and started yelling and told me to f*ck off and tried to shut the door on me. I was shocked and went outside to update my friend.

He followed me out to continue abusing me and telling me I’d ruined his day. We just wanted to spend money and eat in his restaurant! And after several minutes I told him to stop being a c-word, at which point he started dancing round gesturing at his crotch and saying he didn’t have one, but I did.

I have never been treated like that in my life and I’m honestly wondering why he just went off on one. I’m also really sad because we can never go back. AIBU for being shocked? Did I miss something?

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 02/02/2022 12:55

The word is never justified. It's disgusting and you need to be pretty low to use it.

Hmm, I disagree. It was perfectly justified in this situation.

Arabellla · 02/02/2022 12:59

Sounds like he was fatist :(

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 02/02/2022 13:00

If you are going there for over 3+ years under current manager and being treated like that, maybe you are unwelcome customer in the first place?

Arabellla · 02/02/2022 13:05

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown what is your point?

melmos · 02/02/2022 13:09

First thought was wong Kei. We still laugh about when we when they moved us upstairs despite their being seats downstairs. It was completely deserted and we had six members of staff glaring at us until another couple arrived which they seated at OUR TABLE. wouldn't go back though

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 13:09

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

If you are going there for over 3+ years under current manager and being treated like that, maybe you are unwelcome customer in the first place?
We did wonder! He hasn’t treated us like that before though has been stressy / dismissive before. As I said, it’s never been sparkling service (but never so bad we’d ask them to remove the service charge for example). We just wanted to eat the food in peace.

I shouldn’t have called him a c-word but really wasn’t expecting him to explode and follow me outside. The laugh was more of a laugh/smirk/no answer/glare and I had to actually prompt him before he went “no, it’s winter” so he was very obviously being rude and demeaning. I guess now we know what he really thinks!

OP posts:
MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 02/02/2022 13:11

If someone was ranting at me I would probably call them a cunt too

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 13:11

@Arabellla

Sounds like he was fatist :(
In addition to being sexist! Great guy
OP posts:
MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 02/02/2022 13:15

Good on you OP. Ignore the wussy pearl clutchers, the guy behaved like a total cunt and deserved to be called out.

SallyWD · 02/02/2022 13:21

He was slightly rude but I can see why he didn't give you the big table. I'm not sure I'd have reacted when he laughed "no it's winter". I'd probably have raised my eyes and that's it. He then completely overreacted. I certainly would never have called him or anyone else a "c*nt"!! I think it's best for all parties that you don't eat there again.

KalaniM · 02/02/2022 13:21

Why did he react like that? Because he’s working in an industry that doesn’t suit his temperament. Because he’s not very professional.

In terms of worrying you can’t go there again, you could smooth things over with a quick visit or a phone call.

Booboobibles · 02/02/2022 13:22

I hate it when someone is rude and winds me up to the point that I lose my temper and then I get the blame. It’s victim blaming and it’s what a lot of abusers do.

The C word was used after a lot of abuse and was more than deserved.

GrumpyTerrier · 02/02/2022 13:22

Oh dear, only the lowest of the low use the dreaded C word. Good lord.

The man abused her verbally for asking to sit on a particular table and even followed her out the restaurant to continue to do so. Why the hell shouldn't she retaliate?

OP he was out of line, obviously. And if someone verbally abuses you for no reason at all, it is perfectly ok to tell them to do one, in whatever words you feel fit the circumstance.

KeepYaHeadUp · 02/02/2022 13:28

@KatherineJaneway

As opposed to chairs?

Tables to put drinks on, ashtrays?

If the manager finds it so difficult politely explaining that tables outside aren't for eating at then there are a number of alternatives to tables for smokers' glasses and ashtrays.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/02/2022 13:30

are you going to put this on trip adviser?

JammyRascal · 02/02/2022 13:31

In all seriousness, why the outrage over the word cunt?

So someone can talk to you and treat you like absolute crap, but as soon as you utter the word "cunt", that's it, you're the bad guy? Ridiculous.

AmyDudley · 02/02/2022 13:32

Generally in these type of situations I always try to remain polite. You are more likely to get the other person to be accommodating if you meet rudeness with polite firmness.
And if you don't get co operation at least you won't have lowered yourself to their level.

It's not pearl clutching to suggest that people don't call other people cunts, it is practical - it virtually never results in the other person wanting to co operate with you.

People on MN often seem to congratulate to aggressive approach to any unreasonable behaviour, far better to be polite but assertive, state your needs clearly rather than flying off the handle. Shouting abuse is counter productive, being polite but firm doesn't make you feeble or a push over, it makes you socially adept and more likely to get the desired result.

Obviously he was very rude, but so were you - so now you'll have to find another restaurant, try not to call the owner a cunt and you may be able to make it your new favourite restaurant.

Where was your friend while all the name calling was going on - crouched hiding behind a table with embarrassment or joining in ?

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 13:38

@MrsLargeEmbodied

are you going to put this on trip adviser?
Yes, I have done already
OP posts:
diddl · 02/02/2022 13:39

I don't think he was rude when he pointed out that the outside tables aren't in use because it's Winter-I actually think that you were rude for calling him rude at that point.

He certainly escalated though!

Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 13:41

@diddl

I don't think he was rude when he pointed out that the outside tables aren't in use because it's Winter-I actually think that you were rude for calling him rude at that point.

He certainly escalated though!

I was happy to accept the explanation, it was more the laughing and smirking that accompanied the explanation that I felt was rude
OP posts:
Original poster
sicklycolleague · 02/02/2022 13:44

@AmyDudley

Generally in these type of situations I always try to remain polite. You are more likely to get the other person to be accommodating if you meet rudeness with polite firmness. And if you don't get co operation at least you won't have lowered yourself to their level.

It's not pearl clutching to suggest that people don't call other people cunts, it is practical - it virtually never results in the other person wanting to co operate with you.

People on MN often seem to congratulate to aggressive approach to any unreasonable behaviour, far better to be polite but assertive, state your needs clearly rather than flying off the handle. Shouting abuse is counter productive, being polite but firm doesn't make you feeble or a push over, it makes you socially adept and more likely to get the desired result.

Obviously he was very rude, but so were you - so now you'll have to find another restaurant, try not to call the owner a cunt and you may be able to make it your new favourite restaurant.

Where was your friend while all the name calling was going on - crouched hiding behind a table with embarrassment or joining in ?

Generally I agree with you, but he flew off the handle so suddenly and so shockingly, and I was mute for most of the time he was shouting at me until I finally reacted. At that point it was fairly evident we weren’t dining there that night- or probably not ever again.

My friend was standing beside me outside when he was being abusive but since all the abuse was directed at me he didn’t really know what to say, we were at that point wondering why he’d come outside

OP posts:
Lou98 · 02/02/2022 13:46

@Thatsplentyjack

Honestly people are so precious about the qord cunt on here. Meanwhile its fine for the owner of the restaurant to verbally abuse a customer 🤣 the crazy on mumsnet never cease to amaze me. YANBU OP. It's perfectly fine to ask for a different take in a restaurant, it's perfectly fine to ask if you could sit outside. He sounds as nuts as some people on here.

Agreed!

Telling OP to fuck off and following her outside is fine but daring to use the word cunt is disgusting and she should be ashamed. I really don't understand why cunt is any worse than any other insult

AmyDudley · 02/02/2022 13:47

Yes - I appreciate you were taken by surprise and intimidated - it's easy to be calm from the safety of a keyboard ! Smile Anyway he sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person and now he's lost you custom so more fool him.

Catrice · 02/02/2022 13:47

Maybe you had inadvertently upset him on a previous visit? It certainly was over the top behaviour from him just for being asked for a different table!

1940s · 02/02/2022 13:48

@Kelly7889

You call someone working in a restaurant a " cunt"? and you are grumbling about your treatment? You are an absolute disgrace, and be careful who you call a "cunt". In your little bubble you might get away with it, but eventually, in the real world, you will get punched out cold for using that word.
So dramatic 😂