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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about reaction to menopause

83 replies

pumpkinsquish1 · 01/02/2022 15:51

I have one DD and that was always the plan, just to have one. I found out recently that at the ripe old age of 32, I'm going through menopause. My mum went through it at 53 so I didn't think it would happen quite so early.

I told a friend recently who said 'what does it matter anyway, I thought you didn't want more kids?'. She later went on to say I'm lucky to not have to deal with periods anymore.

AIBU to think this was quite insensitive?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 01/02/2022 15:53

She was probably trying to make you "look on the bright side" kind of a thing?

HikingforScenery · 01/02/2022 16:03

@AryaStarkWolf

She was probably trying to make you "look on the bright side" kind of a thing?
This
drpet49 · 01/02/2022 16:05

I don’t see the issue. You don’t want more kids.

BlackMagicWimpund · 01/02/2022 16:06

I suspect those responding haven’t been through early menopause themselves. YANBU - it was a stupid thing to say Flowers

allthingsnaice · 01/02/2022 16:07

Well, is there any reason for you to be really super upset by going through it early? (Genuinely asking not trying to be snarky at all).

If it's something you'll go through anyway, you didn't want more children, it can mean you've not got another 20 years of periods etc I'm not sure why your friend will have thought they were being insensitive, they were probably just trying to be super positive.

Hope you're okay OP, my mum went through it fairly young after a hysterectomy and I know it did knock her for six!

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 16:08

Why was it insensitive? I don't understand. You're going to have to go through menopause at some point anyway. Surely if you don't want any more children, the sooner the better right?

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 16:09

I think if you said that you were shocked/upset about it then it was a pretty dismissive response. Hope you're ok, I think 32 is really young and its bound to come with a big emotional response.

Fairyliz · 01/02/2022 16:12

I’m assuming your friend is a similar age to you and so thinks that the menopause is just your periods stopping which is a good thing in terms of the mess/expense of sanitary products.
She’s probably not thought about what it really involves so this is just a throwaway remark.

crj123 · 01/02/2022 16:16

@BlackMagicWimpund

I suspect those responding haven’t been through early menopause themselves. YANBU - it was a stupid thing to say Flowers
This 100%.
Surlyburd · 01/02/2022 16:17

I think it was really insensitive and dismissive. My friend said something similar to me when i was told i had to have a hysterectomy at 38. Even though i didnt want any more children, it was still a shock, and it made me feel like i shouldnt be complaining about it.
Please make sure you get the care you need from your gp. Hrt helps loads and keeps me sane. also bone density can be an issue.

Hope you are ok.

Echobelly · 01/02/2022 16:19

It was a bit thoughtless, but I wouldn't dwell on it too much. I have friends who had a single child by choice but have still felt some upset about beginning the menopause. But I guess it's just not something that it occurs to people that others might feel.

Camper82 · 01/02/2022 16:22

I went through early menopause at the same age. I too had finished having babies, and had people saying the same thing.

The hrt I was put on forced a period every 28 days, much more regularly than I had ever had before! So that was false.

The health impact of it is lifelong, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

TheHaka · 01/02/2022 16:23

When you’re through the meno you can have great pleasure telling the friend that no matter how bad her periods have been, they’re a walk in the park compared to what’s coming to her. Hold on tight OP, hope it’s kind to you.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/02/2022 16:24

Is she a always look on the bright side person?

It's insensitive but only you know if she's stupid ,unkind or unthinking

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/02/2022 16:27

@Camper82

I went through early menopause at the same age. I too had finished having babies, and had people saying the same thing.

The hrt I was put on forced a period every 28 days, much more regularly than I had ever had before! So that was false.

The health impact of it is lifelong, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

All of this.

It's astonishing how many women think menopause just means "no more periods". Very early menopause is not a good thing for your body.

oldtableleg · 01/02/2022 16:30

"Surely if you don't want any more children, the sooner the better right?"

Errr no because the menopause brings about health issues & premature menopause is damaging - dementia? Heart disease? Osteoporosis?

I'm really sorry OP - I hope you don't have to fight for decent medical care. As this thread shows lots of women are completely clueless.

HashtagSexy · 01/02/2022 16:30

Your body changes a lot when you go through menopause! It's not just no pregnancy worries, skip your merry way along. These changes aren't something you expect in your 30s. YANBU to feel dismissed

RobotValkyrie · 01/02/2022 16:31

It's a remarkably stupid/ignorant thing to say, and I'm a bit shocked (but not surprised) that some posters here are repeating the same shite.

You'd think by now, everyone should know (especially women) that menopause has serious life-long health consequences (e.g. osteoporosis), and early menopause is pretty bad news health-wise.
But no, some people are still basking in blissful ignorance.

irishfarmer · 01/02/2022 16:32

Did you tell her you were upset/ sad/ confused/ conflicted about it?

If not she might have been well on the bright side no more periods. She might really think it is something you might be happy about

But on your side, while you said you don't want any more DC (not questioning that you don't) the choice has now been taken away from you. It is something that you still could have done if you had decided you wanted to. I know it's completely different, but I have been bungy jumping once, it was fun, but I have said once is enough for me and I don't ever want to do it again. If someone told me I couldn't I might feel a little sad to have that opportunity taken away from me, even though I really do no think I will ever do it again!! Even if possible from what you have said you wouldn't have any more DC but that is no longer your choice. I get why you might feel she was insensitive.

Porcupineintherough · 01/02/2022 16:33

YANBU but I can kind of see why your friend didn't understand. I think its the sort of thing you dont understand until it happens to you (I've found it surprisingly and perplexingly upsetting at the grand age of 48 even though I clearly, clearly wasn't planning any more children. I guess its to do with you choices being taken away (and the symptoms suck). Flowers

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 16:33

@oldtableleg

"Surely if you don't want any more children, the sooner the better right?"

Errr no because the menopause brings about health issues & premature menopause is damaging - dementia? Heart disease? Osteoporosis?

I'm really sorry OP - I hope you don't have to fight for decent medical care. As this thread shows lots of women are completely clueless.

I didn't know that premature menopause came with health risks. Thanks for calling me completely clueless. Why is that something I should have known? My mother went through menopause in her 50's. I'm closing on on 50 and have yet to see any signs of it.
irishfarmer · 01/02/2022 16:35

I just read the posts that were sent while I was writing. I really did not know about health issues from early menopause. I only recently learnt of peri-menopause and said it to me older sister who didn't have a clue. Neither of us still know much but have lots of older sisters to turn to when the time comes!

interferingma · 01/02/2022 16:36

I'm 55 and have had a normally timed menopause. I know mine hasn't been as bad as it could have been. But equally it's not just about jettisoning periods.

Read lots about it and demand support from your GP. There are a myriad of different forms of HRT to try.
And stay fit. It'll help
Xx

HopefulProcrastinator · 01/02/2022 16:36

YANBU. My sister has never wanted children at any point in her life (including after she married the man of her dreams), but developing cervical cancer at the age of 31 and having a radical hysterectomy launched her aggressively into menopause.

She's now grieving the lack of choice in having a child of her own. Logically she knows that what has happened to her body doesn't change the fact that she never wanted children, emotionally she's devastated to have that aspect of her womanhood forever removed.

I hope you're getting the medical and emotional support you need for this pumpkinsquish1 from what I've seen early menopause really needs it Flowers

Gardengates · 01/02/2022 16:39

Menopause is about a lot more than just being able to have kids.

An what if the OP decide she wanted more kids after all? Having the choice taken from her so young is a big deal.

YANBU OP but I think it is more about a lack of understanding of menopause from your friend than anything else.

I massively recommend watching the videos Davina Mcall has on YouTube about the menopause, particularly in terms of what is available for women as often your GP will not be particularly informed. Going through it so young may have other implications for things like osteoporosis and it seems women often have to push for access to HRT etc.