Page 3 | AIBU to be upset about reaction to menopause

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/02/2022 17:37

I agree with the pp who recommended looking at the Menopause board on here. Premature menopause can cause some serious health issues as explained above and unless contraindicated I thought HRT was always recommended.

Your friend probably was trying to give a positive point of view - I think a lot of women have little knowledge of the menopause until it affects them.

Chasingaftermidnight · 01/02/2022 17:40

Absolutely! This thread is the first time that I (a woman in her late 40's) have ever heard that there are serious health consequences from early menopause. There is no reason I should have known about it! And I don't appreciate basically being called ignorant for not knowing.

So given you accept you had no idea, you obviously did a quick Google about early menopause and its physical and emotional consequences before jumping in to tell the OP you couldn’t see the problem with her friend’s remark and the ‘sooner the better’, right? Right?

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 17:42

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Anonymous48 why comment on something you know nothing about? If someone is upset by something that you nothing about, is your first response always to weigh in unsympathetically?

1) As someone who is at an age where I am probably approaching menopause, it is something I'm interested in and I have actually learned a lot from this thread.

My first response was to see the issue from the friend's perspective. The question was, was the OP being unreasonable to think her friend's reaction was insensitive. I didn't think her friend was being insensitive. My reaction would probably have been the same, although as a friend I would want to know why going through menopause was upsetting to her and of course I would be sympathetic to her distress.

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 17:43

@Fairyliz

I’m assuming your friend is a similar age to you and so thinks that the menopause is just your periods stopping which is a good thing in terms of the mess/expense of sanitary products. She’s probably not thought about what it really involves so this is just a throwaway remark.

OP, I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you, but I have been through it.

At 32 I hadn't a clue what was involved, at 42 I didn't.

Your friend hasn't a breeze most likely.

Until it becomes real for you, most women don't get it.

I hope you will get good medical support.

Wishing you the best

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 17:44

@Chasingaftermidnight

Absolutely! This thread is the first time that I (a woman in her late 40's) have ever heard that there are serious health consequences from early menopause. There is no reason I should have known about it! And I don't appreciate basically being called ignorant for not knowing.

So given you accept you had no idea, you obviously did a quick Google about early menopause and its physical and emotional consequences before jumping in to tell the OP you couldn’t see the problem with her friend’s remark and the ‘sooner the better’, right? Right?

Of course not! And neither did her friend, I'm sure. I didn't think her friend was being insensitive in her reaction. When you have a friend who tells you something, do you say "hold on, let me Google that first before I respond to what you're telling me"?

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 01/02/2022 17:45

@oldtableleg

What do you think menopause is? No periods?

You must know about basic women's health - contraception? Cervical cancer? Pregnancy care? Breast cancer? Menopause is equally significant.

It's terrible that women have so little knowledge about such an important biological reality.

Menopause is something that has, until extremely recently, not been talked about at all.

It is only now, that Generation X are starting to go through it, that it is coming out from under a rock.

Women are hitting peri without a clue what is happening to them. No idea what the myriad symptoms they’re experiencing mean, or that they could possibly be related to menopause. Have never even heard of peri-menopause. Most GPs don't even have the first clue about it.

You may think it is ‘terrible’ that women have so little knowledge about this, but it’s because it’s always been something that simply is not talked about - unlike puberty and pregnancy.

This is not women’s fault. At all.

Change is happening. Why not be part of that change by informing, enlightening and helping?

Instead of shaming women for something that has always been kept in the dark and never discussed.

Maray1967 · 01/02/2022 17:49

The friend is being incredibly insensitive. I went through early menopause at 42 through preventive surgery ( high risk of ovarian cancer). I had 2 DC and had never intended to have more but it is still quite a hard thing to come to terms with. Yes, not having periods is great but the rapid weight gain is not. Neither is the thinning hair. And I count myself lucky as I had no night sweats and hardly any hot flushes.
The finality of it can take some time to take on board. To say ‘well you didn’t want any more’ is very flippant.
Hope you get through it ok, OP, but if it might be an issue for you, keep an eye on your weight. I did nothing about it for ages and it crept up and up.

tigger1001 · 01/02/2022 17:50

@Anonymous48 you didn't think her friend was insensitive to say "well you didn't want kids anyway" to someone who has had the choice taken away from them? You need Google to tell you that's insensitive?

Would you say that to someone who has had to have a hysterectomy?

You don't need to know much about the menopause to know that's just a totally insensitive thing to say.

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 17:59

[quote tigger1001]@Anonymous48 you didn't think her friend was insensitive to say "well you didn't want kids anyway" to someone who has had the choice taken away from them? You need Google to tell you that's insensitive?

Would you say that to someone who has had to have a hysterectomy?

You don't need to know much about the menopause to know that's just a totally insensitive thing to say. [/quote]
No, I don't think that was insensitive, if she knew her friend had made n absolute decision not to have any more kids. Maybe she knew her husband had had a vasectomy, for example.

Having a hysterectomy is major surgery. You can't compare the two.

WondrousAcorn · 01/02/2022 18:02

Always amazed at how insensitive some ‘friends’ are on here. Like some posters, it seems.

Childfree by choice here, and two things spring to mind: 1. NO, the earlier the better does not apply to the menopause (why the hell would I want to rush into potentially debilitating physical effects and longterm/lifelong medication?) ; and 2. there is a world of difference between making an active choice to have so many children or no children and that choice being removed from you. I haven’t gone through menopause, but did have a weird emotional time when I realised the decision not to have kids was no longer a choice to be made but a five deal.

Also, I’m well educated, have a good job, keep up to date with politics - and pretty much everything I know about the menopause came from posters on this site.

tigger1001 · 01/02/2022 18:05

It's not about surgery though - it's about having the decision to have kids completely removed from you. Even a vasectomy is reversible.

It's so insensitive to say "well you didn't want kids anyway". People can change their mind about having kids. But she's had that option removed. I would seriously consider stopping a friendship with someone who can't see that.

Soakitup37 · 01/02/2022 18:06

I’m not ignorant about menopause, in fact I actively asked my mother about her own (before she died) as I knew it would be helpful to gage when I might go through mine and how she coped.

It’s not that I don’t want to know more or to understand it, it’s just something I almost see as something I will look at/deal with when I have to. The same goes for my sisters and friends.

Op I can imagine it’s not just about kids but it signifies a big change in your life and honestly the stigma of it being something older women go through, I would feel gutted too in your position. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about how your friend reacted but I image it was probably said as she wasn’t sure what else you can say to someone telling you that in your 30s, and I’m
Sure if you were to explain why it upset you she’d be apologetic.

I hope it all goes well for you.

TheOriginalEmu · 01/02/2022 18:14

@Chasingaftermidnight

Absolutely! This thread is the first time that I (a woman in her late 40's) have ever heard that there are serious health consequences from early menopause. There is no reason I should have known about it! And I don't appreciate basically being called ignorant for not knowing.

So given you accept you had no idea, you obviously did a quick Google about early menopause and its physical and emotional consequences before jumping in to tell the OP you couldn’t see the problem with her friend’s remark and the ‘sooner the better’, right? Right?

If you don’t have any idea that early menopause can cause health issues, why would you Google it? And how would you know what to Google?

You don’t know what you don’t know.

I had an early menopause at 25. I wouldn’t expect anyone to know what that means for me.

Wandamakesporridge · 01/02/2022 18:20

YANBU, but I think your friend didn’t really think through what she was saying. It was quite insensitive.

Firstly even though you’ve decided you don’t want any more children you might have changed your mind and it’s not nice to have that choice taken away.

Secondly, menopause has many other symptoms that make periods seem a breeze! Fortunately there is a lot more support available now, and some really good websites. I am 49 and in menopause. For me it’s like getting to know my body all over again, and so I can imagine it’s a real shock for this to happen so early. Please do ensure you get medical support if needed and follow advice relating to diet and supplements as it can really make a difference. Good Luck.

lljkk · 01/02/2022 18:20

"It's bound to come with a big emotional response."

isn't the response bound to be individual -- OP's friend doesn't think she'd mind, OP does feel strongly about the situation. Not everyone assumes the worst prognosis and some people don't easily worry about stuff. Neither is right or wrong, just different. How one feels is going to be fairly personal.

megletthesecond · 01/02/2022 18:26

Yanbu.
That's so early to go through menopause regardless of whether you want any more dc's. She was pretty tactless.

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 18:34

@TheOriginalEmu

Thank you!

How could I Google "early menopause health issues" when I had no idea there were any?

Original poster

pumpkinsquish1 · 01/02/2022 18:54

Oh wow, just cautiously checking back in on this as I must admit I was thrown by the first couple of posters who agreed with my friend.

Thanks to those that have provided resources and further info for me.

And yes I maybe didn't explain myself clearly enough to her or in my original post. While I have 'made up my mind' I would have thought I maybe had 8-10 years of being able to change my mind. Have I changed my opinion on some big life ideas since I was 22? Absolutely. While I don't think I'll change on having more DC having the choice taken away from me is upsetting. As is the anticipation of the health problems that come alongside menopause.

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 19:08

@pumpkinsquish1

Oh wow, just cautiously checking back in on this as I must admit I was thrown by the first couple of posters who agreed with my friend.

Thanks to those that have provided resources and further info for me.

And yes I maybe didn't explain myself clearly enough to her or in my original post. While I have 'made up my mind' I would have thought I maybe had 8-10 years of being able to change my mind. Have I changed my opinion on some big life ideas since I was 22? Absolutely. While I don't think I'll change on having more DC having the choice taken away from me is upsetting. As is the anticipation of the health problems that come alongside menopause.

I was one of the posters who didn't think with the information given that your friend was being insensitive. Maybe she, like me, assumed that your choice not to have any more children was an absolute firm decision, so maybe the misunderstanding does come from her not understanding that you knew you were reserving the right to change your mind, and now that has been taken away from you.

I also didn't know until today that there were potentially any health problems that came along with it. I assume your friend didn't either.

Having read your update I can now understand why this news was upsetting to you. Hopefully you'll be able to have a discussion with your friend about it and why you thought she was being insensitive, and she will be able to be sympathetic and supportive.

Take care of yourself, and I hope that things go well for you.

AutomaticMoon · 01/02/2022 19:12

Early menopause is no joke, it can put your body at risk of osteoporosis and heart disease due to the low estrogen, increased UTIs, atrophic vaginitis (vagina dries and shrinks).... also the testosterone/progesterone are necessary and drop after menopause.

Look into Ovestin cream, it’s really helpful for bladder infections from low estrogen.

I’m sorry, OP, it was insensitive to say, even if you didn’t want more children

Original poster

pumpkinsquish1 · 01/02/2022 19:35

Thank you @Anonymous48 . I think I'm guilty of forgetting when I post if I'm a bit upset that MN really requires as much detail as possible or things can be misinterpreted!

OP posts:

Anonymous48 · 01/02/2022 19:37

@pumpkinsquish1

Thank you *@Anonymous48* . I think I'm guilty of forgetting when I post if I'm a bit upset that MN really requires as much detail as possible or things can be misinterpreted!

CassieJumped · 01/02/2022 21:55

@pumpkinsquish1

I have one DD and that was always the plan, just to have one. I found out recently that at the ripe old age of 32, I'm going through menopause. My mum went through it at 53 so I didn't think it would happen quite so early.

I told a friend recently who said 'what does it matter anyway, I thought you didn't want more kids?'. She later went on to say I'm lucky to not have to deal with periods anymore.

AIBU to think this was quite insensitive?

I'm 40 and recently found out I was peri menopausal (unless your period has been stopped for over a year you aren't in full menopause) and it took two years of awful symptoms to finally get a diagnosis and it knocked me for six. Once I'd got my head round it and done some research I felt better but I am still sad that I won't have more children. Dh has had a vasectomy and we were definitely done anyway but I'm still sad. Your friends may have been trying to find the positives but it was insensitive. Come over to the menopause boards and have a look. X

TheOriginalEmu · 01/02/2022 22:41

[quote Anonymous48]@TheOriginalEmu

Thank you!

How could I Google "early menopause health issues" when I had no idea there were any?[/quote]
Well, exactly!

TheOriginalEmu · 01/02/2022 22:51

@pumpkinsquish1

Oh wow, just cautiously checking back in on this as I must admit I was thrown by the first couple of posters who agreed with my friend.

Thanks to those that have provided resources and further info for me.

And yes I maybe didn't explain myself clearly enough to her or in my original post. While I have 'made up my mind' I would have thought I maybe had 8-10 years of being able to change my mind. Have I changed my opinion on some big life ideas since I was 22? Absolutely. While I don't think I'll change on having more DC having the choice taken away from me is upsetting. As is the anticipation of the health problems that come alongside menopause.

You may not have health problems, it’s by no means a given that that will happen. I had a hysterectomy at 25, I’m now in my 40s and totally fine in terms of bone density and what not, I had very minimal symptoms when adjusting my hrt to begin with but over all I’ve been fine. Its a big deal, and you need time to come to terms with it, but it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom the way some posters are saying. Your friend was insensitive, but I would imagine out of lack of knowledge and trying to look on the bright side rather than being cruel.