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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell social worker to leave me alone

56 replies

Feduptomyears · 01/02/2022 14:38

Bit of a hard one, I’ve been reading up on my rights and laws etc.
In the last year I have left an abusive relationship and had to involve police to actually remove my ex partner. I have done all I can to keep myself and the kids safe - went to court for a restraining order, called the police every time he turned up, reported every contact, changed my phone number/deleted social media and looking for a new home. Had a really lovely social worker who did her assessment then closed the case as there was nothing SS could do for me and I was keeping my children safe and happy. THEN my ex turned up at my door, was removed by police and so ss have obviously received a report. Harrassment seems to have stopped now although ss are not leaving me alone. I am not on a CIN or CP plan as they are just carrying out another assessment which is voluntary but I have allowed them to visit me and the kids. I was then told that a student (which I did not consent to, do I have to consent? ) would be contacting me to finish assessment. I have done a 45 min video call with her and at the end she asked if she could come round one day this week. I explained that I’m working full time and am out early and home late and this week especially I don’t have any free time but maybe next week. She has continued to text me paragraphs all week from 9am every day asking to come round but I genuinely cannot get the time off. Reiterated this to which she says she is willing to come after I get home from work. This is usually around 6.45 and then it’s a rush to get the kids bathed, in bed, packed lunches made clothes ironed etc, I don’t really want a social worker in my house at this time if I’m honest.
This morning she has messaged me but I haven’t replied as I’m at work so then i have received another message saying she will be going to the kids school to speak with them alone (????) I haven’t consented to this at all and will not consent to this. At this point I have called my actual social worker who has informed me that they WILL be speaking to the kids alone and yes the assessment is voluntary but if I withdraw then they will consider a child protection plan.

I feel as though in domestic abuse cases the mother is always targeted by SS and the father isn’t even contacted. I’ve also been told that if he turns up again and the police are called (the only way to keep us safe) then I will be placed straight on a CP plan. It’s almost like mother’s are punished for getting help and keeping themselves safe.

I’ve done everything I can and am engaging with other professionals to keep safe such as the court, partner link etc so I can’t understand how I could even meet threshold for CP?

OP posts:

OfstedOffred · 01/02/2022 14:42

Your best bet is to engage but on your terms.

Give them some times you can see them on your terms.

If that means saturday 10am so be it.

Explain you need to prioritise the children getting to bed at a decent hour but perhaps they could drop in at 8pm (or chat over the phone).

Why are you bothered about them seeing the kids at school?

freelions · 01/02/2022 14:42

It is surely in everyone's best interests to cooperate with them

It is fair enough to question the need for a visit and if you aren't happy for a student to conduct the visit then tell them you would prefer a qualified SS on your case but telling them to 'go away' won't help your case

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/02/2022 14:45

As a social worker I will say that they absolutely should not be threatening to initiate a child protection plan because you aren't consenting to visits in school.
However they will be hassling you for visits because they have guidelines on how often they need to visit and they will be getting pressured by their manager. I suggest you call the manager and discuss your consent and ask for the manager to explain the threshold for child protection and how your situation has met it. It may be that it has but if it hasn't that should shut down any further talk about child protection.

Mickarooni · 01/02/2022 14:45

It’s not unusual for social workers to visit children at schools.
I understand the regular contact must be distressing. I would ask them to clearly outline what factors are concerning them and then you can discuss with them.
They should be working with you, not against you. You have a right to all the information.

Santahasjoinedww · 01/02/2022 14:46

Look on it as helping ss get a decently qualified ss on their books. They bloody well need some.
I was verbally threatened by authority when supposedly volunteering (Cafcass) and actually asked her to leave for bullying me.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/02/2022 14:46

It's not unusual but they cannot visit without parental consent.

CruCru · 01/02/2022 14:47

I think I agree with OfsyedOffred. Social Services are not demons who are keen to do you harm. They’ve had a lot of criticism for not picking up when children are at risk. If this person coming round and / or speaking with your children allows them to close your case then I’d probably let them. Then they can focus on other children who need support.

Mickarooni · 01/02/2022 14:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It's not unusual but they cannot visit without parental consent.

Oh I missed the part about them saying they’d go without consent! Absolutely not usual practice and the threats - from them - are not the way the build a positive and trusting relationship.

MumsMetHer · 01/02/2022 14:50

It does seem so unfair.

But they do have power, so I think the PP's advice to engage but on your terms, and offering times, is wise.

Wishing you all the best.

gogohm · 01/02/2022 14:54

Please remember social services do not know you, they have written reports before, they thought you were a fit parent, then your ex has triggered their involvement again- some women do repeatedly return ti to their ex, you are not but they cannot make such assumptions, that would be failing your children. They have to act on the side of caution- engage with them and say when you are available, it doesn't hurt the kids to not have their normal routine for one night.

Haffiana · 01/02/2022 15:08

It isn't about you.

They are acting on behalf your children, not in order to target or punish you as the children's mother.

Peachandpearl · 01/02/2022 15:08

The best way to get them to leave you alone is to comply. One of the worst things that can go against you with SS is noncompliance. I would arrange one evening they can come over, even if it is marginally disruptive, as then they can check off their box. They need to check home environment is safe and hygienic, kids have beds and their own space, food in the fridge, that you really live there (and ex doesn't, no secret boyfriend, no cuckooing situations or anything like that). Shouldn't take more than 15 minutes, just let them come and then start doing bedtime routines so they can clearly see why they need to leave quickly.

It might feel like they are on at you, on Your case. But it's not really about you. They aren't targeting you, they are approaching you because you live with, care for, know and love those kids, you are the person to talk to about their care because you are their care giver. And generally in domestic abuse cases, the Dad either fades away (classic 'drop out dad'), or escalates their behaviour so they are not able to be in their kids lives anymore. Either way the Social worker is not going to invest in working with the party who is causing the problem unless it is in the children's best interest, whereas working with the victim/survivor and kids to rebuild and recover is to the benefit of the kids and victim/survivor.

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/02/2022 15:21

Social workers can't win really, can they?

Either they try and work with families and get abuse for being intrusive/over the top/nosy.

Or they ignore complaints, allow themselves to be fobbed off by parents and then a child dies and then they get more abuse for having missed something.

Your XH was abusive - sufficiently so for the police to be involved. Your kids - rightly - are deemed high risk as a result. Just work with them and they'll get off your back soon enough.

SafeMove · 01/02/2022 15:35

You may well want them to leave you alone but they have a statutory obligation to ensure that your DC are not at significant risk of harm, they simply can not leave them alone. Until they are reassured from a safety POV, they will continue to contact you.

They absolutely should not be threatening you with CIN/CP intervention though. I would ring and ask to speak to their practice supervisor and start a dialogue about expectations from both sides. You can be assertive about your boundaries but you must also advocate for your DC best interests. CSC (and the people who are working within it) is a human system - they are not immune to context. Think about the high profile cases that have been in the news lately - practitioners will be on high alert, upset and will be struggling with any uncertainty in casework. Especially students. I would also think about if there is anything you think they might be able to do for you? Holiday clubs for your DC or access to domestic abuse services for your DC? Emotional support for you? Housing needs?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/02/2022 15:52

they have a statutory obligation to ensure that your DC are not at significant risk of harm, they simply can not leave them alone. Until they are reassured from a safety POV, they will continue to contact you.

Not exactly. The statutory duty to investigate applies where threshold for section 47 has been met. If it has not, it is a duty to support under section 17, which can be declined.

SafeMove · 01/02/2022 15:58

@CloseYourEyesAndSee yes, you are right. Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought the last DV incident triggered a S.47 inquiry but I was putting 2 and 2 together from the previous incident and coming up with 5. Have re read it properly now and you are right.

Ironingtsunami · 01/02/2022 16:02

I'm going to go out on a limb here (I'm a social worker btw) and say you could refuse. You wouldn't usually get a choice about a student - when they're on placement they're effectively working with us and are assigned work not just to shadow as an extra. Students get 3 or 4 cases max usually, they'll be enthusiastic, thorough and have time on their hands - hence all the messages, and going by numbers (ie a checklist of what you should do for an assessment including seeing the children alone)
You can absolutely refuse consent for a visit if you want to. SS would have to seek a little used order for you to make the children available and they won't have threshold. You could offer consent for the school to share information about your children's well-being as a compromise. You can ask for the assessment to be completed on the information given so far, if what you're saying is true it won't meet threshold for CP (and if it was likely to, they wouldn't/shouldn't have given it to a student)
Honestly in my (under pressure) area if there was an evidenced history of a parent being protective and a new police report to say something had happened but the parent was again being protective it'd be a phone call and closure at referral stage.

To me it sounds like they've given this to a student as a simple/safe assessment for them to learn how to do an assessment and the student is (understandably) looking at all the stages as they won't have either the experience to know when it's safe to make a judgement call to leave you alone, nor do they have the time pressures of a qualified social worker who will only do what has to be done.

Ironingtsunami · 01/02/2022 16:04

Oh and just to add, I'm assuming that this isn't a s47 (child protection investigation) as a PP mentioned.

WonderfulYou · 01/02/2022 16:07

I would hate this!!!

However the only thing that I would keep thinking about is if your ex goes to court for contact.

You can either say you’ve worked with SS and they’ve been happy with everything.
Or you refused SS and had a CP - which your ex will play on.

They have to make sure your kids are ok - if that means putting them on a CP then so be it - it’s not about your parenting it’s about your ex remember. You have done everything right.

Going off topic - is there anyway you can move in the future?
SS might help you get on the council list and you can move to a new area where he doesn’t know where you live.

LittleOwl153 · 01/02/2022 16:18

I don't want to comment on what you should do with the social worker as those above show a level of understanding

however...

I’ve also been told that if he turns up again and the police are called (the only way to keep us safe) then I will be placed straight on a CP plan.

Makes my blood boil. What a way to put off someone calling the police to protect their children...

Ironingtsunami · 01/02/2022 16:21

From the info OP has given there's no grounds for CP! The children have a protective parent (evidenced in the history) who took the appropriate steps when ex turned up.

Op you could write a calm/polite email to the student SW/SW and outline what you've said above - that you feel the steps taken so far should be enough for an assessment, that you have to limit the time you take off work for emergencies/school hols as you're a single parent relying on employers goodwill and that you would prefer the children not to be affected by ex's actions by being pulled out of class but you're happy for checks to be done with the safeguarding lead at school.

You could go point out your rights and the difference between voluntary/cin and s47/statutory and the requirement for social workers to make parents aware (working anti oppressively being one of the professional standards) but that would probably come across as defensive and wouldn't actually help you get the outcome you want.

Ironingtsunami · 01/02/2022 16:27

Also there's meant to be a reframing of how social workers work with DV victims, there's plenty of articles floating around like this one - it is easy to lose sight though when the pressure is on to protect children and to keep a 'curious' mindset (ie re the high profile child deaths as have been mentioned above)

www.communitycare.co.uk/2018/10/23/social-workers-question-use-origins-failure-protect-domestic-violence-cases/

Peachandpearl · 01/02/2022 16:29

You can't be automatically placed on a CP plan. They can choose to initiate child protection proceedings. Reports will be put together then you will go for a 'CP conference' where all the information gathered from all related services (school, health visitor/school nurse, GP maybe or psychiatrist(s) if relevant, any domestic Violence services, police, and probation (again if relevant) then the decision is made whether to place on child protection or child in need. Social workers don't get to unanimously decide themselves, there is a process and also at conference they have to vote on it and it will be overseen by someone else (not the social worker who did the report) who also gets a vote. So I wouldn't worry about that because even if one social worker decides it should be child protection, if there are lots of protective factors it would be hard to justify why and it would likely not carry. And if it did it would likely be closed sharpish as they have to justify using their limited resources. So frustrating when they throw their weight around instead of trying to engage though, because then families feel like telling them to fuck off instead of letting them in.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/02/2022 16:46

I think this is likely the case too, they couldn’t use a student if they honestly thought there was a CP issue. You can refuse to meet and ask them to assess based on the information they already have, and they shouldn’t be meeting your children at school without your consent so if that’s happened I’d be complaining about that.

In terms of how you move forward, in all honesty I’d be inclined to meet them and be seen to engage just because you’re clearly protective of your children and have nothing to hide. It’ll be a relatively quick process and adds to a body of evidence that your ex is a risk to your children which might come in handy at some point.

Haffiana · 01/02/2022 16:59

@LittleOwl153