Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to expect a thank you note

57 replies

avocadoontoast1 · 31/01/2022 13:45

Until recently I was the only member of my friend group to have children. Two of my friends in the group are a couple and had a DD two months ago.

I'm not on any social media. Myself and the couple went out for dinner and they told me they were expecting as they wanted close friends to find out in person.

Around the due date I met another friend in the group and remarked that the baby would be here soon. She told me the baby was born days before and 'oh you won't have seen as you're not on Facebook'. I felt a bit awkward but text both of them to wish congratulations and they said they'd not thought to message anyone outside of Facebook as things had been hectic.

I had bought their gift weeks earlier and sent it in the post. It was a few bits and pieces, mainly clothing that was definitely to their taste and quite specific. After a week or so one of them text to say thank you. Now, typically what I've done for clothing gifts for my DC is put on said clothing, take a photo and send it on but I know that's not everyones style. Later, I do thank you cards. I understand not everyone has the time or inclination.

I still haven't actually seen a photograph of the baby. A few nights ago my other friend mentioned the couple and I asked if she had photos of the little one as I hadn't yet seen her. My friend said 'what about the one on the thank you card?'. I said I didn't get a card and she went silent. She told me she'd bought them a small gift and received both texts and a thank you card with DD's photograph on the front.

AIBU to be hurt that I didn't get a card when I know others received them?

OP posts:

MissNothing1991 · 31/01/2022 13:52

My ex fiancé and I lived with his dad temporarily when his nephew was born. We sent a £100 gift card, which, as minimum wage workers was a lot to us. His dad got a photo thank you card with just his name on it. We got nothing, despite knowing we would see he clearly got one

With my own daughter, not with ex fiancé, I had a Caesarean and took ill after. But I still sent a photo thank you card to everybody who sent us gifts, including my dad's work colleagues I'd not even met. I didn't want to miss anyone out! So no, I don't think you're unreasonable. Either send one to everyone or send none at all!

Looneytune253 · 31/01/2022 13:57

Is it not maybe because you haven't yet seen them in person? Perhaps the mutual friend has?

Lionnose · 31/01/2022 14:00

It could be they are doing them in order of when they received gifts and they haven’t got around to it yet. It took me months (and I didn’t send a picture of the baby, just a thank you card)

edwinbear · 31/01/2022 14:02

I'm big on thank you cards/notes in general, but with new babies, I think you have to cut them some slack. They've texted to say thank you and acknowledged your gift, but are probably absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed, so I'd let it go.

RoomOfRequirement · 31/01/2022 14:03

Either your card got lost in the post or they forgot to send one if you sent your gifts a while ago?

I wouldn't assume it was malicious especially as they did send you a thank you.

I try to give a lot of grace to new parents, so many of them don't tell people how hard they're really finding it.

bloodywhitecat · 31/01/2022 14:03

Is there an outside chance a card was sent but has been affected by delays etc to the postal service?

FluffMagnet · 31/01/2022 14:05

I'm currently very embarrassed that with DS being 4 months old, I've still only got out half the thank you cards. No particular order either in who I've sent cards too, and now I can't remember who has had cards and who hasn't. It isn't a personal snub and now DS is older it is harder to find the time without a background of furious screaming. For what its worth i feel awful, but I bet some people haven't noticed

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 31/01/2022 14:06

I would imagine they’re really busy with baby and getting cards out as and when they can. But it won’t be first priority. It might also be at PP said, that you haven’t seen them in person and you’ll get your card when you do.

I think posting about the announcement being on Facebook and you not knowing first is a bit of a red herring, because it’s got nothing to do with the thank you cards. You choose not to be on social media, this is one of the consequences.

namechange30455 · 31/01/2022 14:08

Are you the poster who had a strop because they forgot your DC's birthday?

Pyri · 31/01/2022 14:08

I think you massively have to cut them some slack. I got quite stressed / upset when my DD was born because we got sent a lot of stuff and i was a bit overwhelmed with following up with cards to everyone, DH’s family is very traditional and seemed to think that everyone who got us something so small as a babygro should get a personalised thank you card. I ended up feeling like I wish they hadn’t bothered as the prospect of sending so many cards was more overwhelming than the joy of receiving gifts.

Personally, I feel that a text is fine and that you should give the gift without any strings - ie do not expect a personalised thank you card. Those first few weeks and months are tough and a bit of a blur.

VestaTilley · 31/01/2022 14:09

That probably just haven’t written them all out yet or are doing them as they see people.

We were lucky and got hundreds of cards and gifts for DS - but it took us forever to write all the cards as we received so much, I was knackered, ill and we had a really tough start.

YABU to be chomping at the bit for a card when you’ve already had a txt and don’t know if they’re struggling.

Candyss · 31/01/2022 14:10

first time parents to a 2 month old? I think I would be cutting them some slack and not worrying about a piece of paper.

they said thank you. nicest way, get over yourself - it isnt a reflection on you, I doubt they even realise.

Original poster

avocadoontoast1 · 31/01/2022 14:10

@namechange30455

Are you the poster who had a strop because they forgot your DC's birthday?

No?

OP posts:

Original poster

avocadoontoast1 · 31/01/2022 14:11

@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot

The conflict with the social media element was that they wanted to tell me they were expecting in person as they didn't want to put it online first.

OP posts:

MizzFizz · 31/01/2022 14:12

It's polite to send a thank you card, but new parenthood is HARD and you don't know what they're going through... Could have had a traumatic birth, PND or just not coping/able to get their act together to finish thank you cards. I doubt it's personal (unless there's some back story?). I would let it go...

Lemonweightloss · 31/01/2022 14:13

@namechange30455, that was my exact thought too.

burnoutbabe · 31/01/2022 14:13

@namechange30455

Are you the poster who had a strop because they forgot your DC's birthday?

Yep that was my thinking, very similar facts.

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 14:13

There could have been people I forgot to thank. God it was hectic those first few weeks months. I wouldn't expect a thank you card. I don't send them. Only did for my wedding. Although I don't put pictures on Facebook I send pictures through Facebook chat because I can just scroll down the list and send to everyone I want. If you're not on fb chat I don't do it in whatever communication style you like.

Can you send a message "hope you're settling in well. Let me know when you're up for a visit, would love to see enough both and meet the little one!"

It doesn't have to be a big deal. But if you're not on fb this kind of thing is going to happen because you're just harder to involve.

ambushedbywine · 31/01/2022 14:14

Unless there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I’d assume it was just new baby tiredness and they’ve forgotten some. I don’t expect thank you from people generally and new parents are often exhausted.

nurserypolitics · 31/01/2022 14:15

I'm still gutted that I've missed some thank you cards from when dd (now 3)was born. It took us ages to get them printed, it didn't occur to me to make a list of presents as I didn't think I'd forget but got total baby brain and then after we'd sent some out I realised I'd forgotten who we'd actually posted them to. We did a few every weekend for a couple of months so by the end I had no idea.

She did basically never sleep but I really cherished all the presents we received and I do feel guilty as I'm pretty sure some people never got cards.

One thing I will say is in so far as we had an organising principle we started sending cards to family first then moved on to friends. So they may not have got around to you yet. Or they may have used facebook as a prompt to remind them. Or they may just be scatty. I would't take offence - I'm guessing you haven't seen them so don't know how they're taking to parenthood. We were v happy but had some unexpected medical issues and then a baby with severe reflux who just never. bloody. slept. So running on empty there were lots of things we just overlooked because we were struggling to keep going with everything.

Hopefully you'll get a card but if you don't, try not to take it as a slight.

trumpisagit · 31/01/2022 14:15

Let it go.
They have received the gift and thanked you.
Why not text them and ask how they are getting on.

itwasntaparty · 31/01/2022 14:15

I'm hot on thank you cards but cut them slack with a new baby. I don't think I sent any for dts, I didn't have the brain capacity.

TheOrigRights · 31/01/2022 14:16

People with new babies are exempt from lots of social expectations - thank you cards, phone calls, give and take etc.

It's the time for a friendship to swing towards them.
In time thing balance to a new normal hopefully.

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 14:16

The conflict with the social media element was that they wanted to tell me they were expecting in person as they didn't want to put it online first.

Not at all conflicting. You don't share pregnancy news with people you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing miscarriage news with as far as I, and most people I think, are concerned.
Plus, you have all the time in the world before you have a baby.
It's exactly what we did.

WarmWinterSun · 31/01/2022 14:17

OP you are being unreasonable to expect anything. It was kind to give a gift but I don’t like it when gifts have strings attached. If you care for your friends then give them some slack, and the extra slack on top of that!

Also, why is it always women who create a fuss and potentially generate misery over thank you cards? Most men I know would be pleased if a gift was sent and would not carry resentment if a thank you card wasn’t produced. Equally, most men I know don't fret about sending cards. Time to give your friend, a brand new mum, a break!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread