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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a thank you note

57 replies

avocadoontoast1 · 31/01/2022 13:45

Until recently I was the only member of my friend group to have children. Two of my friends in the group are a couple and had a DD two months ago.

I'm not on any social media. Myself and the couple went out for dinner and they told me they were expecting as they wanted close friends to find out in person.

Around the due date I met another friend in the group and remarked that the baby would be here soon. She told me the baby was born days before and 'oh you won't have seen as you're not on Facebook'. I felt a bit awkward but text both of them to wish congratulations and they said they'd not thought to message anyone outside of Facebook as things had been hectic.

I had bought their gift weeks earlier and sent it in the post. It was a few bits and pieces, mainly clothing that was definitely to their taste and quite specific. After a week or so one of them text to say thank you. Now, typically what I've done for clothing gifts for my DC is put on said clothing, take a photo and send it on but I know that's not everyones style. Later, I do thank you cards. I understand not everyone has the time or inclination.

I still haven't actually seen a photograph of the baby. A few nights ago my other friend mentioned the couple and I asked if she had photos of the little one as I hadn't yet seen her. My friend said 'what about the one on the thank you card?'. I said I didn't get a card and she went silent. She told me she'd bought them a small gift and received both texts and a thank you card with DD's photograph on the front.

AIBU to be hurt that I didn't get a card when I know others received them?

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 31/01/2022 14:20

They have a brand new baby. They've told you themselves that things are hectic. They've said thank you for the gift.

Give them a break! I think I was back at work before I got the thank you cards out both times.

kirinm · 31/01/2022 14:21

I couldn't manage putting my DD into clothes we had been given for photographs and we ordered loads of thank you cards but our DD developed colic and until she was about 12 weeks, I could barely eat on my own let alone worrying about thank you cards.

I'd allow them some time and accept that they are probably busy and overwhelmed.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 31/01/2022 14:24

You've decided to place manners far above kindness here OP. A gift should be a nice thing that makes life with a baby slightly more pleasant. They didn't demand that you sent something, but you did. In your view they now have an obligation to repay you with photos and cards. They sent a text thanks, but that isn't enough for you for some reason. They are probably tired and trying to get along with the baby. Call to offer some actual friendly chat and support rather than being so demanding.

PinkButtercups · 31/01/2022 14:26

It's a non issue.
They might have forgotten and haven't got round to them all. They're probably busy.

Maybe try not to put your other friend under pressure though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2022 14:27

I think with new babies to have to cut people some slack - lots of slack. they may well be up to their eyes, as you will know as parents.

With the social media thing - yes it’s fine to be off it, but expecting special separate communications just for you, when everyone else can see the quickly posted social media update, is probably a bit unfair.

givemepiece · 31/01/2022 14:27

I find it strange you haven't seen a photo of the baby at all and the baby is 2 months old! I would've definitely by now sent a message saying 'can I see a photo please!'

The fact that they told you face to face over dinner shows they're close friends but no photos being sent back and forth shows the complete opposite. Weird?

Did you fall out at all during the pregnancy? Grow further apart? Maybe they thought you weren't interested?

I'm just trying to imagine a world where I haven't sent my good friend a photo of my baby (not even talking about a thank you card) or where I haven't said "oi friend, baby is 2 weeks old and I've still not seen their squishy face send a photo NOWWW"

Hillarious · 31/01/2022 14:34

They received it and have passed on thanks already. It's great to get a thank you card, but that's not the reasons you give gifts. Facebook isn't for everyone, but because it's a means of communication used by many, it's likely you'll miss out on some things. If you don't want to miss out, perhaps now is the right time to join in on the periphery of Facebook; enough to get out of it what you want, without overexposing yourself. It is possible.

ChangingLife · 31/01/2022 14:34

First reaction is to say they are busy being new mothers.

But I can see the fact some friends received a thank you card with photo etc… but you didn’t can hurt. After all if they have the time and inclination to do it for one person, why not the other?

The FB stuff I can understand more. They were keen to tell people in person because such an announcement will be special. But once the baby is here, they will have had less time, more pressure and then Fb is a nice way to tell everyone all in one go.

Finallygotme · 31/01/2022 14:35

If you feel left out then join fb.

They have said thank you.

Pinkdelight3 · 31/01/2022 14:35

They've said thank you. That's enough. YABU to expect more. Give a gift for the pleasure of giving, not for multiple thank yous. If you want to see a pic of the baby, text them and ask for one. Sure they'll oblige.

Doomscrolling · 31/01/2022 14:35

YABU. With a newborn, everything is so topsy turvey and knackering and friends cut new parents some slack.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/01/2022 14:45

When I am exhausted (certaibly the case when I had DS, or now, when I have brain fog from long covid), I think I've done things, when in reality I've only done them in my head. So I've worked out, for example, the wording on a nice thank you letter, and my brain then says to me "tick! That's done!" without me actually writing the card. (I have to set up elaborate reminder systems for myself, but it's been a learning curve. )

The other potential factor is that post is all over the place. I've just received a nice Christmas card from a close friend, which is either ten months too early or more than one month too late.

ittakes2 · 31/01/2022 14:54

At first I thought you were being unreasonable - newborn too busy to write cards - until I read someone else was given a card.
My first round of IVF was successful thankfully, but my second unfortunately failed. My friend fell pregnant accidentally from a new relationship at the same time my second IVF failed - and after much soul searching I offered her to lend over £1,500 in baby gear (double electronic breast pump, maternity clothes etc, cot, bath - the lot) because I knew she was struggling for cash and by the time I tried IVF again she would be done with it all. Closer to her due date she was in contact with me every other day as she is getting more and more stressed about the birth.
Then nothing. I started to get worried she had gone into labour and the birth had gone wrong and so after a few more days I contacted my sister - my sister sent me a photo of my friend and her baby a few days after the birth. Mother and baby were completely decked out in my kit - which is fine as I lent it to her for that reason....but she didn't bother to tell me she had given birth! Here I was waiting stressed out as I was worried...and her putting on my clothes did not even trigger her to think it might be nice to tell me that she had delivered safely? I definitely felt like an unimportant friend and our friendship never recovered.

garlictwist · 31/01/2022 14:57

But they did say thank you? They text you. I think expecting a card is a bit much, it''s not 1950 any more and they have their hands full. I am also not on social media and sometimes I don't find out about stuff but that's just the way life is now. If you want to be in the thick of it news-wise and it bothers you that you aren't, then maybe you should join.

SartresSoul · 31/01/2022 15:00

They text you thank you so they didn’t say nothing at all. Even if they hadn’t said thank you, I wouldn’t think they were BU. Do you not remember how overwhelming it is with your first child? I didn’t brush my hair for about 2 months ffs. Expecting a formal note or card is weird.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/01/2022 15:07

Set yourself up a Facebook account.

changeling86 · 31/01/2022 15:17

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

I agree with this.

saraclara · 31/01/2022 15:21

Do you use whatsapp?

If so, surely it's easy to ask how they're all doing and say "let's see a photo then!"

NorthFacingGarden · 31/01/2022 15:22

I expect they did one session of writing thank you cards, and as your gift was later (because you’re not on fb) they had either run out of personalised cards or just didn’t have the energy to start card writing again.

I really don’t think it’s a deliberate snub and I think it’s best if you let it go.

waterrat · 31/01/2022 15:29

You got a text saying thank you. For me.. I would prefer thr couple just enjoyed the baby which is intensely overwhelming first time round. I would hate to think of them fussing around taking photos then printing photos or sending cards all day long.

SisterA · 31/01/2022 15:46

I never sent thank you cards when my son was born. We had a rough time getting things established and then I found motherhood overall just really difficult to adjust to.

I thanked EVERYONE either by phone or text and had intentions of doing cards but before I knew it I was back to work at 8 months and it just never happened.

I felt pretty bad at the time but then realised, you know, not everyone copes? And I'd hope that other people would have appreciated this simple fact too. I think the fact that some people have thank you cards and you don't isn't a reflection on how much they value your gift, life really does just get in the way sometimes so I wouldn't take it personally :)

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 31/01/2022 15:51

YABU. Get over yourself. They've thanked you for your gift but you're still not happy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/01/2022 15:53

OMG do you want a gold medal for a) Not being on that awful social media, b) Not knowing when they actually had their child or c) Sending a present?

NeverChange · 31/01/2022 18:08

The last think I would ever expect from a new mother is a thank you card. She has more than enough to be doing. Some thank you are in text, in person,in cards, months layer etc.

I think your expectations are unrealistic. You were thanked. I fail to see the problem.

MooSakah · 31/01/2022 18:14

They text you. You could have text back and said I'd love to see a photo if you've got time.

The Newborn days are hard enough without this sort of pettiness.

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