Finding friend a bit overbearing AIBU?

[feelingguiltyyy]

I am currently flat sharing with a friend and it’s really nice. However there are a few things that have got to me that make me feel a bit drained and want to distance myself from her a little bit, and I don’t know if I’m being mean.

First of all the space - I understand that it’s fun living with a friend and of course I’d like to do stuff, but she’s often at the door as soon as I arrive to greet me, asking what I’m doing, talking to me from outside whilst I’m in my room etc.

I also invited my friend P round for a catch up and, whilst they’ve met before and of course had a chat and a hello, she kind of overtook the night. My housemate also had her friend B round (who I’ve never met). My housemate proceeded to sit in the middle of me and P on the sofa and it became a 4-way conversation for the rest of the night. It just felt as if I had no chance to catch up with P myself as she did come to see me after all. During this she also decided to blurt out to her friend B that I suffer with anxiety.
She also attempts to sit with me and my boyfriend all night (who is round once or twice a week) and makes jokes about third wheeling - of course is nice that she wants to get to know him but we also sometimes want alone time.

She also has had a few instances where she’s gone out drinking and loses things - also calling me and l burst into my room at 3am (when I had to be up at 6 for work).

Sometimes she will point out as well that I’m “having loads of fun” sarcastically if I am not talking much and just sat listening to the conversation.

I just feel a bit overwhelmed and don’t know if I’m being a bit mean? I have distanced myself a little bit and she told me she’s been crying etc so I just don’t know if I’m being a bit mean.

Forgot to mention every meal has to be the same. Also when me and my partnet were cooking dinner one night she stood in the kitchen with us (bearing in mind she had a friend round) and picked up the spatula to help us continuously

I feel so mean saying this but yes. what do I do now?

Move out

Think it's time to move out. Your energies don't merge well and that's alright, even if unfortunate.

Oh dear! It sounds like it's not really going to work. Is moving out an option? It's not like it's just one thing you can bring up with her, it's literally her whole personality! I suppose you could bring all guests to your bedroom?

Yeah I think our personalities clash a little and she can be quite intense whereas I like my space a bit more.

Am I being mean though? Like of course I want our friends to meet and get on, but to intrude on me and P’s evening with another person we didn’t know just seemed a bit strange?

You're great friends but not compatible as house mates, move out while you stillhave a friendship to save.

Have a conversation with her. If you like the place your living and it's convenient to you work into that conversation that you want her to move out if you do or that you need to establish better ground rules when guests are staying over or visiting.
Otherwise you'll have to mention in that conversation that you will be moving out and I'd actually be very clear as to why so that she can use this as something to learn from if she ever shares a flat/house again with someone else.

You can have the conversation about needing more space and privacy, but it doesn't bode well if she's crying already.

You aren’t compatible as flat mates. You see it as a flat share, she is seeing it as living with her best friend. Start looking for a new place.

You'd think that you were teenage sisters, not adult house mates. Don't let her make you feel that your wants and boundaries are wrong, they are just different. A straight talking conversation needs to be had and house rules, use of shared space etc needs to be included. Is she generally immature?

I think her sitting (presumably in the communal living room with you) is fine - otherwise, is she meant to stay in her room out go out when you have someone round?

Otherwise, all that behaviour would really annoy me. What do you mean, every meal has to be the same?

Who did she live with before this?

Personally I would broach the issue and say you need more space before taking the plunge of moving out - it's a lot of hassle so you may as well try communicating first.

Op you need to draw up a room mate agreement and include things on it like if she has her friend over you won't intrude and vice versa (she leaves you to have your friends visit with you in peace)..and most of all include that she doesn't three wheel on your time with you boyfriend

Check this out

www.idealflatmate.co.uk/flatmate-HQ/roommate-agreement/

Yeah I get what you mean, and I wouldn’t expect her to exactly shut herself in everytime I had a friend round. It was more the fact she had her own friend round, and made the night about them, and sat right in the middle of my and my friend

Move out!! She’s not normal. Sitting with you and your partner all eve was incredibly rude, as was waking you in night and interfering with cooking etc,

She’ll never change. Flee!!

I'd move

She sounds like a nightmare tbh and people like this often struggle with other people's boundaries. I'd definitely move out: you have a chance of saving the friendship that way. Either way, its not a good environment to be living in.

You have to move.

OP, most of what you've described would be fairly predictable in advance of moving in with a close friend -- did you never consider that you were going to be conflating your social life/friendship and your downtime/living and cooking and sleeping space? You clearly want the 'housemate' model to predominate, she clearly feels the 'friendship' overrules that.

I think at the very least you need to have a frank discussion about the use of the communal space -- are you actually wanting her to confine herself to her bedroom if you are in the living room with your friend or boyfriend? Or were you expecting her to talk separately to her visiting friend on one side of the living room while you talked to yours at the other?

But I think this is probably doomed, anyway.

Agree with pp that you should move. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different expectations so it would be better to live separately if you want to stay friends. I like privacy and my own space and dislike the expectations that often come with communal living, that's why I'd never live with a good friend. I'd live with a roommate where you set your boundaries when you move in.

I lived with a friend for a while & whilst not exactly the same situation as the above we weren’t compatible as house mates & I moved out.

Spoken to her twice since I moved out about 15/20 years ago.

Never regretted it.

If you move out ASAP, you might still have a friendship to salvage.

If you stay, your friendship is guaranteed to end.

She mentioned to me that she felt upset on the weekend about various things, and was crying. She said that she felt hurt that I just left the house for the day without checking she was ok (I had no idea, and her room was silent so thought she was asleep) then said “I couldn’t stand to be alone so I had to leave for the day” almost as if I did something wrong or that was my fault?

I don’t know if I’m being silly but I feel like I’m being made to feel guilty for various things.

Omg she's hard work!

You haven't done anything wrong but find somewhere else to live ASAP

Oh dear ….. it’s not working … time to move on me thinks !!

Lord, she sounds very needy! However, where should she go if your boyfriend is there? Stay in her room in the flat SHE rents and not be allowed in the lounge? Why don’t you move in with your boyfriend? Or into your own place? She sounds overwhelmingly, she’d drive me nuts, at the door to greet you? Upset because you went out without telling her?

She sounds like a very unhinged housemate I used to live with, made a cake for my birthday once (unbeknownst to me), I went out my boyfriend and was verbally abused because we weren’t there as the cake came out of the oven!