AIBU to still be icing out DP?

[Lei8133]

long post warning
So… DP and I go halves on everything household related i.e. Rent (R), Council Tax (CT), electric, etc. The rent is paid monthly via my account and DP (volunteered) is responsible for paying the CT monthly. At the beginning of each month DP will deposit half the R money less half the CT into my account along with half of any other expenses due etc. Last week we received a letter from the council stating that the Council tax was overdue by £832… usually DP collects the post, but on the occasion I happened to do it.
Now as I opened the letter and started reading it obviously I was shocked and said something like “Wtf!” Because given that DP deducts takes half the CT money from the R each month I assumed it was an error. Anyways DP comes over snatches the letter out of my hand and joins in with the confusion. Anyway, I know DP always makes a note of the payment ref when CT is paid so I asked to see this, just to confirm it was an error, so that I could build ammo for my letter/call to the council to complain…. Right, so now when DP gets me the CT bill, he’s going over it and saying “oh, I must have forgotten to pay it… there’s a gap there and there. Oh, I must have messed up” or something to that effect. It transpires that he had failed to pay the CT 4x; Aug, Sept, Dec and Jan…?!?!??

Naturally I was and am pissed and I can’t face talking to him. He apologised and gave me some bs about “not understanding” how it happened?!?! Thing is this is the second time he has messed me up financially… Dec 2020 he was unable to cover his half of the R!!?!?!

He’s not great with money, but has gotten a tad better with my help… however I think what has upset me the most is the fact that he basically stole £400 off from me and has allowed me to potentially get in shit when effectively I paid my half. Plus the fact that he can’t even explain to me what he did with the extra cash he obviously had…

He has said he would sort it out and has set up a payment plan to clear the debt, but I just can’t face talking to him yet, it’s really upset me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or our child if he can easily put us in jeopardy like that… AIBU?

I'd want to see the Direct debit set up and the payment plan

I actually think you should have a joint account just for bills and everything is paid out of that by direct debit - and you both transfer the amount to cover it on payday

So where is the extra money?
I don’t understand what he’s done with it.
He didn’t have a direct debit set up?
Not paying council tax is a big deal, especially when it’s not just your name on it.

I’d be very mad.

Agree with above poster.
We have a joint account we both pay a set amount into and all of our bills are direct debited out of there.

He is LYING to you OP. He could have missed one payment, but he must have known he didn't pay on FOUR separate occasions. And then he's spent the money on something else and can't cover it.
That would make me pretty angry!

I voted YABU because this has happened repeatedly and the silent treatment is what he wants.

This suits him. He's sticking his head in the sand. He avoided paying bills and the repercussion of that is that you're ignoring the issue along side him.

It's probably a little bit awkward for him, but he knows why you're doing it. Knows that you have reason to be cross, but you're not discussing it. You're not looking for the money. You're not talking about splitting up.

Eventually the heat will go out of your anger and it'll all be behind him.

My mother gives me the silent treatment when she doesn't want to discuss something. I used to just accept it. I understand the dynamics now. She is afraid to discuss what needs to be discussed. But I'm not. I want to have a conversation and put it all out there. She's terrified of that. She cannot ''risk'' this conversation so I get the silent treatment from her.

In your case it's a bit different. You feel powerless. You're not trying to hold on to power, you're trying to claim back power. but the only power you have is to make the day to day unpleasant. You can do that, but it doesn't solve anything.

Instead of the silent treatment I'd let him know what you expect and then if he falls short of that, END IT.

He's not your H. You can get out of this muddle.

Get rid of him. This man child is just an anchor around your neck.

Does he have some obvious money he's been spending it on? Or has he literally managed to 'accidentally' spend an extra £100 a month.

He hasn't stolen it, he has proved he can't be responsible for bills. I wouldn't have bills with my name on with someone like that.

I'd be fuming. Council tax is no joke...you can potentially go to prison for non payment....I think!

Yes, the council will be on your tail quick smart when payments fall behind. It's likely there are other letters you haven't seen.

But you don't want to be joining your finances by getting a joint account with someone who's 'not great with money' and 'forgets' to pay priority bills that can land you in court very quickly when he should have just set up a direct debit to go out just after payday so it's paid every month without fail.

*£200

I'd want to know where all this money is going, I'd be concerned about gambling if he can't explain where the money is or what happened to it. Punishing him by not talking to him is childish and not going to help the situation. I would want to see bank statements/credit card bills to find out what is going on with his (and your) money. Don't let this just continue without looking into it and don't even think about marrying him while he is this poor with money.

OK, the CT repayment can be sorted out - things get serious when people refuse to engage and the debt gets worse. So you need to check that your DP has actually done what he said he's going to do.

This would be a big loss of trust for me - I can maybe understand missing one payment if there were exceptional circumstances eg serious illness or family bereavement. But four? There is also the question about what has happened to the money you gave him / he should've put away to cover these bills? What has he spent it on - gambling, drugs, unnecessary purchases, going out? This is a big red flag.

You say he has form for being bad with money. Please do not open a joint account with this person. Protect your own savings and consider if you want a future with someone who is quite happy to get himself (and you) in debt. Is that the sort of life you want? Please don't underestimate the potential seriousness of this.

He is a CF. You need a joint account for bills etc, I found an online account whic has pots for sink funds - I have a different pot for car tax, holidays, etc This way you both have transparency over the costs, both regular and one off. It is not unusual for 1 half of the couple to be better at managing money than the other. However that is not an excuse for dropping you in it financially, or you only finding out about unpaid bills when the bailiffs arrive. I have found as well that I was paying for stuff like tv licensr and garden bins when my other half knew nothing about it. I would also do a household budget, the money advice service have a good one, print it out and leave it on the kitchen table for him to find. He probably has no idea just how much it costs to run a household or the huge amount of admin it requires.

I think the silent treatment is childish and isnt going to achieve anything.

I think your options are -
Get on with things and get over it and likely end up in this position again in the future as he is obviously shit with money

Leave him because he has fucked you about, stolen your money and lied to you

Tell him you'll leave him if he doesnt own up as to why this happened and what he spent the money on...and mean it

Whatever happens you need to ensure that this never happens again. By that I mean he pays all his wages as do you into a joint account, all direct debits and bills come out of that, then you transfer personal spends out of there into your joint account. So that you can see immediately if there is an issue

Right, open a joint account, which means you will be responsible for absolutely everything because your idiot partner can't be trust to pay a simple bill. Instead, he steals your money. Great idea. You'll be mummy. 🙄

Does he take money off you every month, or does he account for the two months in which council tax is not paid? (Feb and March, I believe?)

I think you're right to be annoyed - why doesn't he just set up a direct debit for it since it's his responsibility? Relying on remembering to pay every month is a recipe fo disaster, and he knows he'll have the money, so why not automate it?

I also see your reasoning for wanting to know where that extra money has gone, since half of it was yours and he wasn't even meeting his basic responsibilities either during that time!

That’s effectively stealing from you. Could he be gambling. A friends DH was gambling and she found out when their car got repossessed because he’d cancelled the payments. Claimed they must have got stopped by accident when they moved house - but they didn’t change bank account so moving was irrelevant.

I think you are massively overreacting saying he stole the money, that implies he purposely conned you out of the money.

Why not set up a joint account for household bills that you both pay in to equally and set up direct debts?

@Youdoyoutoday

I think you are massively overreacting saying he stole the money, that implies he purposely conned you out of the money.

Why not set up a joint account for household bills that you both pay in to equally and set up direct debts?

But, he did steal it. The money was to pay the council tax. The council tax hasn't been paid. He has no money now to pay the council tax.

It's not simply that he's forgotten about it.

Usually I find the silent treatment abusive, but honestly if mine did this i wouldn’t be able to look at him either, never mind talk to him. It’s not so much the non payment it’s the taking your money and lying.

I'm not sure why so many people are suggesting a joint account - tying yourself financially to someone this irresponsible who can't/wont even account for hundreds of pounds of missing money is not a sensible idea.

It's really not an over-reaction to be massively annoyed with him for not paying the council tax, especially if both their names are on the bill.

He's stolen money and hidden several letters chasing payment.
They're at risk of court action and prison for non payment.

It's that serious.

There's no way he forgot. This wouldn't be the first letter he's received about the missed payments. He's lying, hopefully it's not something like gambling. You need to find out if this is the extent of it and where that money went. I'd want to see all his statements for that period, check if there's any regular payments which could be repayments of hidden debt. If he won't do this that would be a deal breaker for me. Even if he did, I'd still struggle to trust him after he's taken that money, not paid the bill and lied that he 'forgot'. I genuinely forgot to pay our electricity bill once, a week after the payment date they sent a second letter, which I paid the moment I got it There's no way the council would let their CT be forgotten about.

If you miss a payment with CT they usually demand the rest of the year all at once - hence the big bill.

I used to volunteer for Citizens Advice. CT non payment leads to bailiffs and potentially gaol.

I would check that he really sets up a payment plan and sticks to it.

@DysmalRadius

Does he take money off you every month, or does he account for the two months in which council tax is not paid? (Feb and March, I believe?)

I think you're right to be annoyed - why doesn't he just set up a direct debit for it since it's his responsibility? Relying on remembering to pay every month is a recipe fo disaster, and he knows he'll have the money, so why not automate it?

I also see your reasoning for wanting to know where that extra money has gone, since half of it was yours and he wasn't even meeting his basic responsibilities either during that time!

My council has payment plans over either 10 or 12 months. They may not get the 'free' months if he has opted for the longer term.

problem is CT is the one bill you really don't want to miss, especially where live, you miss just a few months and they start action against you and don't stop.