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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still be icing out DP?

82 replies

Lei8133 · 31/01/2022 08:57

long post warning
So… DP and I go halves on everything household related i.e. Rent (R), Council Tax (CT), electric, etc. The rent is paid monthly via my account and DP (volunteered) is responsible for paying the CT monthly. At the beginning of each month DP will deposit half the R money less half the CT into my account along with half of any other expenses due etc. Last week we received a letter from the council stating that the Council tax was overdue by £832… usually DP collects the post, but on the occasion I happened to do it.
Now as I opened the letter and started reading it obviously I was shocked and said something like “Wtf!” Because given that DP deducts takes half the CT money from the R each month I assumed it was an error. Anyways DP comes over snatches the letter out of my hand and joins in with the confusion. Anyway, I know DP always makes a note of the payment ref when CT is paid so I asked to see this, just to confirm it was an error, so that I could build ammo for my letter/call to the council to complain…. Right, so now when DP gets me the CT bill, he’s going over it and saying “oh, I must have forgotten to pay it… there’s a gap there and there. Oh, I must have messed up” or something to that effect. It transpires that he had failed to pay the CT 4x; Aug, Sept, Dec and Jan…?!?!??

Naturally I was and am pissed and I can’t face talking to him. He apologised and gave me some bs about “not understanding” how it happened?!?! Thing is this is the second time he has messed me up financially… Dec 2020 he was unable to cover his half of the R!!?!?!

He’s not great with money, but has gotten a tad better with my help… however I think what has upset me the most is the fact that he basically stole £400 off from me and has allowed me to potentially get in shit when effectively I paid my half. Plus the fact that he can’t even explain to me what he did with the extra cash he obviously had…

He has said he would sort it out and has set up a payment plan to clear the debt, but I just can’t face talking to him yet, it’s really upset me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or our child if he can easily put us in jeopardy like that… AIBU?

OP posts:

Serendipity79 · 31/01/2022 09:44

CT send letters out for all missed payments - without fail. There's letters you've not seen. I'd personally want to see the arrangement letter as they usually go straight to magistrates for a court order once it reaches a certain threshold - and that will damage your credit file for years as you're jointly liable for the debt. My mum stupidly gets herself in this situation every couple of years and has had a court order drop through the door for non payment and for not contacting them to discuss the missing payments.

And if you stay with him I agree with the poster above, a joint account is needed where all bills get paid from and then it cant happen again. But tbh I don't find anything appealing about a man who's so incompetent with money that they forget to pay critical bills and then look all confused like they dont know how they did it!

Geepee71 · 31/01/2022 09:53

I'd be asking him for the whole 800 to pay the bill immediately as
I wouldn't trust him to pay it.
I'd also want to know what he's done with the money.
I'd be rethinking the relationship, massive abuse of trust.

MajesticElephant · 31/01/2022 09:53

I don’t know why everyone is suggesting a joint account. There is no way in hell I would link my credit file with someone who is so irresponsible with money!

girlmom21 · 31/01/2022 09:55

Don't ignore him. This needs to be resolved. He needs to pay it today. Then he needs to set up a direct debit so the council tax is automatically taken out of his account every month. He also needs to set up a standing order so you get paid the rent money on pay day.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/01/2022 09:56

I would be more worried about the deception. What's to stop it from happening again?
Where does his money go?

Hankunamatata · 31/01/2022 09:58

Obviously he camt be trusted to pay bills so you have them as direct debits form your account and ge transfers you all the money

MilduraS · 31/01/2022 10:00

Of all the things not to pay, he chooses council tax? Absolute idiot. You need to contact them ASAP before they apply for a CCJ.

The only reason I can think for him not to set up a direct debit is that he knew at some point he'd need (want) the money for something else.

Hankunamatata · 31/01/2022 10:02

And he has over hid the letters

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2022 10:17

I don’t see how you can stay living with someone so irresponsible

T00Ts · 31/01/2022 10:33

I couldn’t forgive a man who took your money, deliberately failed to pay a bill multiple times, spent all the extra money on something else that he is refusing to reveal to you, lied time and again, pretended to be so stupid as not know how it had happened () and on top of everything, is a father. I was a bit gutted to see you already had a kid as I was going to say bin him off, you’ll feel nothing but resentment and he is appalling with money. And a liar.

Youngstreet · 31/01/2022 10:38

I used to live in a naice village. My friend who worked at the council said ct demands were sent out for every late payment and the naice areas were always mailed first because they paid more.

Original poster

Lei8133 · 31/01/2022 10:42

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Just to clarify I’ve not stopped talking as a form of punishment, I just cannot talk to him right now. I broached the subject a couple of days after the letter was received (rightly or wrongly after the discovery was made I picked up DS packed a bag and went to stay with my sister). When i tried to talk to him I was met with ‘I’ve sorted it now, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me..’ I explained that I wanted to see bank statements and would like to know what he spent the extra money on. But all this was combatted with similar responses to those above. As some posters have pointed out it technically is stealing, having a joint account with someone who can’t handle money doesn’t sound too wise and non payment of CT is serious and could result in court action etc. His nonchalant apology and attitude to the whole thing has lead me to much contemplation. I just wanted (again, rightly or wrongly) some validation that my reaction isn’t extreme, I’m not the only person who sees how sh*y DP’s actions were.

I even said to him, I would rather you told me you have a gambling problem or spent the money on some seedy debauchery… but to say you forgot to pay the CT on 4 occasions makes you sound like an imbecile.

OP posts:

Soakitup37 · 31/01/2022 10:45

DP usually collects the post? I’d be wanting to see what else he’s not been showing you in the post as this won’t be the first letter from the council. I suspect they are hidden somewhere.

He tried to pretend he didn’t have a clue how this happened and then when he knew that wouldn’t wash he said he forgot to pay/made a mistake. That’s his bill that he’s in charge of.

Either he’s so hard up he’s been hiding this from you out of shame or there’s something more to it which in this case sounds a lot like a gambling debt, could own someone else money or drinks/drugs

Either way I’d be pausing the relationship until I was sure I’d got to the bottom of it, including understanding where the money has gone, how he intends to pay it, and how he can be trusted going forward,

Do not put anything financially together with him until you’re sure you’re happy to do so, if he’s got debts and you link yourself up with a joint account or otherwise this will not go away and you’ll be even more entangled than you are now.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 31/01/2022 10:50

I'm the one who is responsible for paying it in my home, and due to it being a joint account it is a faff to set up a direct debit.
When I've been ill or otherwise overwhelmed and have forgotten to pay it, which has happened a couple of times over the years, I've had a letter on around the 10th of the next month and dp has also had a letter. Usually I've already realised by then and so it isn't an issue.
However, I wouldn't spend the money on anything else - it's budgeted for that purpose, so it would be easy to resolve. I dont understand how it could go on for 4 months without someone knowing, where they also spent the money.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/01/2022 10:53

I'm the one who is responsible for paying it in my home, and due to it being a joint account it is a faff to set up a direct debit

Your account is set up incorrectly if you can't set up a direct debit without faff.

Most joint accounts are set up so either party can independently set up a direct debit, withdraw money, or otherwise operate the account. Talk to your bank or otherwise sort it out if you can't do this. No need at all to have to manually pay council tax, or any other bill.

Hugasauras · 31/01/2022 10:56

Is it really hard to set up a direct debit on a JA? I've had no issues with setting up any of our DDs on ours. It's just been same as normal account.

TigerLilyTail · 31/01/2022 11:01

The problem is now he has lost your trust and it will be very hard for him to regain it. What on Earth has he been spending all the money on? Expensive hobby? New clothes? drinking? Gambling?

I think you are right that until you know how the situation occurred there's no way you can move on from this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2022 11:13

Having seen your update, I think you do need to reconsider this relationship. For someone to behave so badly over so many months and think a quick 'sorry' without any real explanation or changes they are making themselves to ensure they don't do it again....just makes it so difficult to move on

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 11:18

He is a liar and a thief IMO, and not for the first time.

You deserve better than this.

Is this what you want for your life?

He's a waster.

Dibbydoos · 31/01/2022 11:36

What he's done is not acceptable. I would have a straight up conversation with him from which we would agree he cannot pay bills in future as this would help him budget what he has left every month. This would include making payments to catch up, which he completely funds.

I'm nit sure I could live with someone who couldn't manage money, but I'm not in your relationship; you are. So don't throw the baby out with the bath water ie don't dump him for this unless that is the only thing that will keep you and your DC safe x

GroggyLegs · 31/01/2022 11:41

I wouldn't be icing him out - I'd be wanting a very lengthy discussion about where TF my money has gone.

Once is 'forgetting' four times is evading & I'd be livid.

Gambler?

TheOccupier · 31/01/2022 12:00

DP and I go halves on everything household related i.e. Rent (R), Council Tax (CT), electric, etc. The rent is paid monthly via my account and DP (volunteered) is responsible for paying the CT monthly. At the beginning of each month DP will deposit half the R money less half the CT into my account along with half of any other expenses due etc.

The whole system sounds impractical and unnecessarily complicated. How/when do you contribute your half of the CT? Why didn't he have a direct debit set up for the CT? Why don't you just have him put half of everything into your account and then you pay all the bills by direct debit? Why would you have a baby with someone you don't trust enough to share a joint bank account with?

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2022 12:18

I'd be so pissed off.

Obviously he can't be trusted.
Like fuck did he forget. He chose not to pay it. Are you planning on staying or leaving? If staying then I'd tell him from now on he pays his full half and you'll pay the council tax. Not terribly attractive when an adult can't be trusted with basic bills though is it?

EKGEMS · 31/01/2022 12:37

I'd be walking away from a man who can be so feckless with something as important as your ct

L0bstersLass · 31/01/2022 12:38

@Lei8133 - you should be aware that Council Tax is only charged for 10 months of the year. You don't pay it in February and March so it should be relatively easy for your DP to clear this debt.

But, also important for you to know this because he may still be withholding money in those months when Council Tax is not charged.

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