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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be icing out DP?

82 replies

Lei8133 · 31/01/2022 08:57

long post warning
So… DP and I go halves on everything household related i.e. Rent (R), Council Tax (CT), electric, etc. The rent is paid monthly via my account and DP (volunteered) is responsible for paying the CT monthly. At the beginning of each month DP will deposit half the R money less half the CT into my account along with half of any other expenses due etc. Last week we received a letter from the council stating that the Council tax was overdue by £832… usually DP collects the post, but on the occasion I happened to do it.
Now as I opened the letter and started reading it obviously I was shocked and said something like “Wtf!” Because given that DP deducts takes half the CT money from the R each month I assumed it was an error. Anyways DP comes over snatches the letter out of my hand and joins in with the confusion. Anyway, I know DP always makes a note of the payment ref when CT is paid so I asked to see this, just to confirm it was an error, so that I could build ammo for my letter/call to the council to complain…. Right, so now when DP gets me the CT bill, he’s going over it and saying “oh, I must have forgotten to pay it… there’s a gap there and there. Oh, I must have messed up” or something to that effect. It transpires that he had failed to pay the CT 4x; Aug, Sept, Dec and Jan…?!?!??

Naturally I was and am pissed and I can’t face talking to him. He apologised and gave me some bs about “not understanding” how it happened?!?! Thing is this is the second time he has messed me up financially… Dec 2020 he was unable to cover his half of the R!!?!?!

He’s not great with money, but has gotten a tad better with my help… however I think what has upset me the most is the fact that he basically stole £400 off from me and has allowed me to potentially get in shit when effectively I paid my half. Plus the fact that he can’t even explain to me what he did with the extra cash he obviously had…

He has said he would sort it out and has set up a payment plan to clear the debt, but I just can’t face talking to him yet, it’s really upset me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or our child if he can easily put us in jeopardy like that… AIBU?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/01/2022 12:43

[quote L0bstersLass]@Lei8133 - you should be aware that Council Tax is only charged for 10 months of the year. You don't pay it in February and March so it should be relatively easy for your DP to clear this debt.

But, also important for you to know this because he may still be withholding money in those months when Council Tax is not charged.[/quote]
You can choose to pay it over 12 months

Original poster
Lei8133 · 31/01/2022 13:12

@TheOccupier Lol, you make some very valid points. It kind of just happened that way as I was the one who dealt with the renting of the property, the standing order was set up as part of the process, so in my name. Before moving in it was kind of implied and I assumed I would be in charge of all bills as I am extremely responsible careful with money. But when the CT bill came he said he would do it and came across like he was trying to lighten my load so to speak, and we’ve just been doing it that way ever since. (Only been living together 2yrs in June). In all honesty I’m not sure if I’d ever hold a joint account with anyone - just because I don’t like the idea of someone else having access to ‘my’ money

In response to some other posters it’s been agreed that from now on I will deal with all joint finances… whooptydoo!

I’m in a quandary about what to do in terms of the relationship because it’s not just me, however it is nice to know that the ‘extreme’ way I’m feeling and thinking is actually rational.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/01/2022 13:23

You are young OP, Don't tie yourself to a liar and a thief.

Life's too short.

Co parent and move on.
Don't have another child with a liar and a thief.

You deserve better.

Flowers
Stravaig · 31/01/2022 14:22

If it's standard practice to send both householders a reminder letter after a missed payment, then DP might have been intercepting OP's post, as well as ignoring his own.

Onetraumaatatimeplease · 31/01/2022 15:24

I'm very surprised they haven't started court proceedings yet. It's two months arrears and off to court you go where I live. I'm sorry but I agree with previous posters he's lying about forgetting to pay, you should check for court letters or phone them to get a payment plan going otherwise you could end up with bailiffs at your door.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2022 16:27

Your relationship is doomed. Sorry, but it's true. He lied to your face and stole from you effortlessly. He isn't even sorry. Get out before he makes your life even worse.

ForeverSingle881 · 31/01/2022 17:15

The solution is not for you to take on all the burden, that's awful, he's not a fucking child.

HTH1 · 31/01/2022 17:21

YANBU. Can’t you set up a DD for council tax? (Then he can transfer you the rent money each month plus his share of the council tax and any other bills he may be “forgetting” to pay).

Kite22 · 31/01/2022 17:32

Difficult to know which way to vote, as YANBU to be angry, but YABU to be "icing out" your dp (if his means not speaking to him ?).

You (together) need to sort out this overly complicated system.
What none of us know is if he is just disorganised / didn't get round to it or if he has in fact been using the money for something else.

What I can't understand is why you wouldn't just have a direct debit so it doesn't have to be 'remembered'. Why wouldn't you have a 'bills account' that you both pay enough in to, to cover all the bills, and then have all the standing orders and direct debits come out of that?

Eightiesfan · 31/01/2022 17:42

Stop the silent treatment and take control of finances, get him to transfer all money due for rent, bills ct etc.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 31/01/2022 17:46

Council tax are on it. If he’d cancelled a DD by accident or whatever he’d know very quickly. They would have written on several occasions. You can end up in court for non-payment of council tax and some people are actually sent to prison.
As it’s such a large amount He’s missed several payments. He knows. He’s been lying to you and attempting to cover it up. You’ll be jointly responsible for that bill - you could end up in court with a council tax bill, a fine and having to pay court costs.

LIZS · 31/01/2022 17:51

So where is the money and how has he sorted it? £832 does not really match with four missing payments and the outstanding balance to March unless you are in a small property. Clearly you no longer trust him to do as he commits and until he demonstrates he has not squandered the money you cannot move forwards.

Postchristmasflab · 31/01/2022 17:52

Don’t have a joint account, if he is poor with money he could have a terrible credit rating which could impact yours if you are linked via the JA.

Set up an account in your own name, all money gets transferred there and all household expenses are paid by DD. Round up the amounts you actually need so you accrue some savings. He can have access to the account once he has rebuilt the trust he has massively lost

HollowTalk · 31/01/2022 17:57

I would imagine they'd send a letter every time a payment hasn't been made. So when he paid in October and November, he just paid the normal amount rather than a back-payment?

Wrinklefree · 31/01/2022 18:12

Joint account for all the bills and household expense is needed, calculate your monthly out goings and then divide by 2, each of you should put that amount into the account each month before the bills go out, set up a standing order/direct debit.

CSIblonde · 31/01/2022 18:17

As he's got form for being crap with money I wouldn't have a joint account in case he drains it ( what did he spend the council tax money on, gambling, weed, alcohol? ). I'd just take over all the money stuff tbh, so he'll never be able to screw you over again financially. .

Goitalone2022 · 31/01/2022 18:30

So all the financial responsibilities end up with OP because her partner has messed up - how about he faces up to his responsibilities?

caringcarer · 31/01/2022 19:05

I just could not live my life with a partner who went behind my back, took my money to pay a bill but spent it on himself or worse still won't even tell you where it has gone, making me think gambling, putting me and our children's future in jeopardy. Then instead of owning up and begging forgiveness he hid repeated warning letters from council about unpaid CT. Be thankful you opened that letter OP because if you did not he would likely have binned it too. I would have hit the roof. Definately don't get a joint account with him. You do not want a financial link with a person who can't handle his money properly. At the very least put him on his final warning and I would ask if he would hand over his share of bills and pay them yourself.

TigerLilyTail · 31/01/2022 23:57

It's crap that you have to do it, but perhaps the safest way.

What did he mean that he had sorted it by the way?

He just magically found 800 pounds lying around at the end of January.

I would check that he actually has paid the outstanding balance and that he hasn't run up massive debts somewhere. I strongly suspect there is a lot more to this. He is hiding something.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 01/02/2022 06:57

You are partly responsible I believe. You said yourself he isn't great with money, so you gave him a task involving dealing with money. Why??
From now on you deal with all payments and take his half from him each month. Problem solved.

People who are crap with money never get better at dealing with it. Stop putting people in situations where they will fail then moan about it.

ChiefInspectorParker · 01/02/2022 07:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BarbaraofSeville · 01/02/2022 08:08

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You are partly responsible I believe. You said yourself he isn't great with money, so you gave him a task involving dealing with money. Why?? From now on you deal with all payments and take his half from him each month. Problem solved.

People who are crap with money never get better at dealing with it. Stop putting people in situations where they will fail then moan about it.

I suggest you read about 'strategic incompetence' and other abusive techniques lazy and entitled men use to get out of doing things they can't be arsed with and just leave for a woman to do for them.

Why should the OP be the only grown up in the relationship?

Fairylightsongs · 01/02/2022 11:01

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You are partly responsible I believe. You said yourself he isn't great with money, so you gave him a task involving dealing with money. Why?? From now on you deal with all payments and take his half from him each month. Problem solved.

People who are crap with money never get better at dealing with it. Stop putting people in situations where they will fail then moan about it.

She didn’t give him a task? He’s not a child. And no she should be behave like he is a child.
GabriellaMontez · 01/02/2022 11:12

Mistakes do happen.

But. His response to this situation is disgusting. Id also want to see all his bank statements ànd an explanation of where this money has gone. This is his opportunity to demonstrate honesty and transparency (if it was a genuine mistake) .

If this isn't forthcoming I'd be reevaluating the relationship. I'd also be very careful about any other shared debts? Car loans? Credit cards?

Postitmug · 01/02/2022 12:07

@LIZS

So where is the money and how has he sorted it? £832 does not really match with four missing payments and the outstanding balance to March unless you are in a small property. Clearly you no longer trust him to do as he commits and until he demonstrates he has not squandered the money you cannot move forwards.
It's a perfect believable amount. You do know people live in all sorts of sizes of property, and council tax rates vary? Confused