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AIBU?

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Original poster

Visiting smokers house with baby

88 replies

xcdrx · 30/01/2022 23:50

Hi all,
My baby is 7 weeks old and i made it clear in pregnancy onwards that i did not want baby going to my partners relatives house who smokes 20+ cigs a day in their home.
I am now the worst person in the world!!

Another family member has made me feel 2cm tall by spouting off her opinion that cig smoke never hurt her or her children so why shouldn't i take my baby to this certain house?

As an adult i cant stand the smell in my hair or in my clothes so why should i let my baby smell of it and breath it in?

Am i been over the top? I feel so low about this i just want to do my best x

OP posts:
BuickMcKane · 31/01/2022 13:33

your baby, your rules, end of!

Respectfully, it's not just OPs baby, it's her partners baby too. He has expressed a wish that his child visit his family, and is well within his rights to do that. If you separated you'd have absolutely no say over where he took your baby.

I'm in no way advocating smoking around children, it's a filthy habit and I don't smoke myself. But if you start constantly overruling the other parent with 'my baby my rules' then prepare to have a few issues down the line. Because it's BOTH your baby, and rules need to be agreed upon together.

If there's chance of middle ground - as in the in-laws go outside to smoke whilst you're there - then you're setting healthy boundaries without completely monopolising decisions regarding your baby.

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 13:34

@xcdrx

Hi all, My baby is 7 weeks old and i made it clear in pregnancy onwards that i did not want baby going to my partners relatives house who smokes 20+ cigs a day in their home. I am now the worst person in the world!!

Another family member has made me feel 2cm tall by spouting off her opinion that cig smoke never hurt her or her children so why shouldn't i take my baby to this certain house?

As an adult i cant stand the smell in my hair or in my clothes so why should i let my baby smell of it and breath it in?

Am i been over the top? I feel so low about this i just want to do my best x

Stick to your guns.

They can always wear clean clothes, not smoke for a day and visit you.

RampantIvy · 31/01/2022 13:34

Well done for standing your ground. You know you are right to do so. If they want to see your baby they can visit you.

Why is your partner not backing you up?

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 13:36

@LittleGwyneth

It's really tricky though. My partner has an elderly family member who does smoke inside, though never when we're there. I don't really want to take a baby into that house. But she's a very valued member of the family, adored by everyone, and she's old. So it's not as easy as people sometimes make out on here.

I'm usually very good at setting boundaries but I do wonder on this point whether 20 minutes in a house where someone has previously smoked a cigarette is worse than hurting someone's feelings / not allowing her to see the baby. (She doesn't leave the house much).

Having brought my children up with many smoking family members (much more the norm then) I wish I'd been braver about saying No.

However in this instance I wouldn't be feeling bad about a one-off visit. Is it possible to wait till it's warmer and spend some time in the garden?

freecuthbert · 31/01/2022 13:37

You are absolutely doing the right thing, second hand smoke increases the risk for SIDS so it's really not worth it. Selfish of them to put their wants first and put a baby at risk because they want to smoke in their home. And guilt tripping you isn't nice. But as a parent there's always people that will try to guilt you, just listen to your gut as you have done here.

irrate · 31/01/2022 15:43

Speaking as an ex smoker who didn't realise how much my clothes smelt of smoke and I was a less than 20 a day smoker....op you are not being ott please stick to your guns with this.

Even if you go to her house and she doesn't smoke that morning you will still be smelling it off your babies clothes....I used to take dd to garden visits with FIL who smokes 60 a day...if I went inside for even 10 minutes the smell of smoke off dd, her buggy and me used to make me feel so sick.

If relative wants to see your new baby she plays by the rules or no visit.

Congrats on your new baby xx

PinkSyCo · 31/01/2022 15:57

My parents used to smoke in the house around us kids-it was normal back then- and I am a smoker (outside only) but I still 100% think you are right to not bring your baby to your in-laws house.

GirlInACountrySong · 31/01/2022 16:09

yanbu

but i guess your partner will take her anyway once she's a bit older

its him you need to work on, forget the family, you need his back up here

are you likely to get that?

LittleGwyneth · 31/01/2022 16:12

@Nanny0gg yep, I think going in the summer and trying very hard to be outside is going to be the most sensible compromise.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/01/2022 16:18

No, I wouldn’t take a small baby to a smokers house. If they want to see the baby they can visit you.

2bazookas · 31/01/2022 16:29

Stand your ground. Nobody who hates the smell/fumes/health risk has to put up with smokers for the benefit of the smokers.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 31/01/2022 16:37

Yanbu.
I wouldn’t take my kids to a smokers house at any age, but especially as babies.

Zombiemum1946 · 31/01/2022 16:39

Yanbu. Your baby, your decision. I refused to take my son to mil house if sil was going to smoke in the same room.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/01/2022 16:41

OP, can you get your health visitor or midwife explain to your DP why you are totally in the right about this one? Can they provide you with some literature?

StoneofDestiny · 31/01/2022 16:46

No chance I'd take the baby into a smokers house. Their clothing is likely to be saturated with it too, so I'd not want them hugging my child.

Nsky · 31/01/2022 17:20

Smoking a nasty, dirty habit

Zombiemum1946 · 31/01/2022 18:07

The relative comes to visit you and smokes outside ?

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 18:10

It's a massive overreaction to refuse to take a baby to a smoker's house (provided the smoker won't smoke while the baby is there). The health implications of a couple of hours there are negligible. It's purely a judgemental and hostile thing to make an issue of.

Those who wouldn't allow their baby to breathe the air in which a Dirty Smoker isn't smoking - make sure you never, ever walk your baby's pushchair down a public pavement either. Those exhaust fumes are a killer.

Huntswomanonthemove · 31/01/2022 18:42

@sadpapercourtesan

It's a massive overreaction to refuse to take a baby to a smoker's house (provided the smoker won't smoke while the baby is there). The health implications of a couple of hours there are negligible. It's purely a judgemental and hostile thing to make an issue of.

Those who wouldn't allow their baby to breathe the air in which a Dirty Smoker isn't smoking - make sure you never, ever walk your baby's pushchair down a public pavement either. Those exhaust fumes are a killer.

Even if the relatives smoke outdoors there are risks and a baby can still be exposed to cigarette poisons such as nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide. These substances linger in hair and clothes.

Smoking inside when the baby isn't there is not safe either. Poisons from cigarette smoke can settle on surfaces throughout the house, and stay there long after the smoke and smells disperse. A baby is particularly vulnerable to this, as they may crawl and walk on floors covered with cigarette poisons. They may also play with, touch, and mouth contaminated toys and objects.

@xcdrx is obviously better educated than you @sadpapercourtesan.

kitkatsky · 31/01/2022 18:46

Don't do it. I did it for politeness sake with DD1 and have regretted it since. It's not normal or ok. Your baby will probably be fine but if they weren't could you forgive yourself? Hugs x

DillDanding · 31/01/2022 18:49

I wouldn’t even consider going. Apart a smoker’s house being disgusting to spend time in (can’t believe people smoke inside their homes), everyone knows second hand smoke is harmful to babies.

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 18:49

@xcdrx is obviously better educated than you @sadpapercourtesan.

That's very possible (though entirely irrelevant) Confused

Babies will and do come into contact with small amounts of environmental toxins. The effects of a couple of hours spent in the home of a smoker who isn't actively smoking while you're there are negligible.

Or you could just have your baby laminated? That way nothing harmful can get in.

RampantIvy · 31/01/2022 19:24

It's a massive overreaction to refuse to take a baby to a smoker's house

Of course it isn't Hmm
I wouldn't go into a smoker's house let alone take a baby in one. It's a nasty, smelly, disgusting habit that killed both of my parents.

Please go and educate yourself @sadpapercourtesan.
Or are you the partner's unreasonable parent?

Huntswomanonthemove · 31/01/2022 19:42

[quote sadpapercourtesan]**@xcdrx is obviously better educated than you @sadpapercourtesan.

That's very possible (though entirely irrelevant) Confused

Babies will and do come into contact with small amounts of environmental toxins. The effects of a couple of hours spent in the home of a smoker who isn't actively smoking while you're there are negligible.

Or you could just have your baby laminated? That way nothing harmful can get in.[/quote]
Of course babies will come into contact with all sorts of things but as parents it's our responsibility to protect them, as much as we can.

Where's your evidence to argue that a baby won't come to any harm in a smoker's home? Forget that, I think you're actually trolling as everyone knows that protecting babies from tobacco smoke is the right thing to do. Only a troll would argue the opposite.