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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want her going out alone

80 replies

christmaslights4 · 30/01/2022 23:01

My dd 15 in year 10 wants to go on a date after school with this boy, however this boy does not go to her school, he goes to one near by apparently. She says that they'd go to a restaurant in the same town as her school, they'd walk there and leave by about 6-7, and then she'd get the bus home. AIBU to be worried about this? I'm prepared for you to all say i'm being way to over protective, but the fact that i've never met this boy and he doesn't even go to the same school as her really worries me. What are your opinions on this?

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 31/01/2022 07:09

Yes, it's fine.
Have some way of her letting you know if she were to want collecting or want out of the situation.

cookiemonster2468 · 31/01/2022 07:13

I think if they've never actually met before you should drop her off and pick her up. It's probably fine but nothing wrong with being cautious.

I'd also be asking how do her friends know him? Do they go to school with him or do they just know him through snapchat? - Has anyone met him?

Classicblunder · 31/01/2022 07:17

I think it's really great that she is so open with you - I don't think many of my friends would have been so open at 15 with their mums. Given that you are ok with her going out with friends and getting home afterwards and it's not exactly a late night, I would be fine with it. If you overreact, she might just not tell you next time. As a PP said, I would have been so embarrassed to be escorted to and fro from a date at 15!

RedHelenB · 31/01/2022 07:20

They're meeting in a public place, she won't be out late. I'd have let mine in the situation you've described.

trumpisagit · 31/01/2022 07:31

Great that she's told you.
At 15 I had, had several dates and spent a weekend at my new boyfriend's alcoholic Dad's house (fake sleepover at best friends) , before I told my Mum he existed.
I would trust while she is telling you.

lljkk · 31/01/2022 07:36

I'm leaning towards over-protective. I'd also want to eyeball him at least -- but rest sounds lovely & sensible. Public places to meet & get home. It doesn't ring my alarm bells.

Popcornriver · 31/01/2022 07:43

I'm usually way ott over protective. I'd get a lot of eye rolls from much of mumsnet I'm sure, but I disagree with the poster that said 7pm is too late to return home alone at 15. My secondary aged child has done this from 12, it's needed sometimes for after school clubs.

In the OPs case though I'd be taking and picking her up, only for the reason she hasn't met this boy before. I might even be tempted to do some window shopping nearby.

Gilly12345 · 31/01/2022 08:00

Do you how his name?

Definitely drop off and pick up.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 31/01/2022 08:10

The fact she's never met him is the only issue, but IMO it is a massive issue!

My DD is 16 and at college and comes home independently from her regular babysitting job at 8pm by public transport and motorcycle from the station (so very independent IMO) but I still wouldn't encourage her to go on a date with someone she'd never met and I actually find it quite worrying.

An alternative to being picked up and dropped off by a parent for a trustworthy teen is that she casually travel there with a trusted long term school friend who can just happen to be with her and say hello before leaving, so someone has had a look at him and her knows he's been seen!

Then she makes an absolute commitment to stay in the restaurant with him and not go anywhere else on the first date and home by public transport only if she can walk to it along a busy, well lit route, otherwise you pick her up.

notagainnotagain · 31/01/2022 08:20

She never met him before.

For this reason alone, I would insist on dropping her and collecting her.

If she doesn't agree she can't go.

Why hasn't she met him if her friends know him? Surely she could meet him with them

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 08:56

Thing is, she's been open about this date, when many girls would've said they were meeting a female friend after school because they didn't want the parent interfering in their plans. How you react this time will affect whether she's open and honest about it next time.

Whatwhywhenwhere · 31/01/2022 08:59

You are being overprotective. If they don’t live and learn they will never gain emotional maturity that comes with experience. I understand it’s from a good point but kids have to launch as adults. They do this by distancing from the parents and by making adult decisions, doing what adults do.

A lot of the 40 year old unmarried people were overprotected and never learned how to cope as an adult alone. Sorry it that’s hatsh.

dottiedodah · 31/01/2022 09:07

I would drop off and collect I think .how does she know him if he's at another school.anyway sounds innocent enough but just to be sure⁰

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 09:11

I think it sounds fine. She sounds sensible.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/01/2022 09:22

This is how teens meet now, it is a worry but you need to let her go.

I also think a lot of 15 year olds are young for their years due to covid and a lack of gradually becoming independent due to restrictions.

Kanaloa · 31/01/2022 09:23

@Whatwhywhenwhere

You are being overprotective. If they don’t live and learn they will never gain emotional maturity that comes with experience. I understand it’s from a good point but kids have to launch as adults. They do this by distancing from the parents and by making adult decisions, doing what adults do.

A lot of the 40 year old unmarried people were overprotected and never learned how to cope as an adult alone. Sorry it that’s hatsh.

I don’t think anyone is unmarried at 40 because their parents wouldn’t let them meet a lad off Snapchat when they were 15 Confused

If someone is unmarried at 40 it’s because they didn’t want to get married or were unfortunately unlucky and didn’t find the right person.

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 09:34

@Summerfun54321

By 15 I’d want my daughter to be educated in how to look after herself enough to be able to meet someone in a public place and get home on a bus at 7pm. If you don’t like the fact she’s meeting someone you don’t know then address that specifically, but the actual date and bus ride should be fine surely.
You can educate them all you like, but in some areas a lone female (15,25 or 50) isn't safe getting a bus at night.
TimeForTeaAndG · 31/01/2022 09:58

Chatting on Snapchat and seeing pics is not the same as knowing he is who he says. Has she videochatted with him?

thebabessavedme · 31/01/2022 11:05

So they have mutual friends? Friends that have met him irl? If thats the case I would'nt worry as much, She sounds quite sensible so presumably so are her friends? It's great that she has told you about her plans, ask her to message you when she has met him if she is happy, if she is not tell her to 'ask for Angela' in the resturant and they will help her until you arrive. If all goes well then pick her up at 7, you can guage what sort of boy he is if he is waiting with her (he should be! any lad that leaves her standing alone in the dark is not worth seeing again, even on the pavement outside a resturant) and speaks to you, then he is proberbly ok, I hear all of this sort conversation with my 16yo dn and her parents, seems to work.

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2022 11:09

Give her some freedom. Why not get her to take a self defence course, it'd give her and you some confidence

Chasingaftermidnight · 31/01/2022 11:13

Given that she’s never met him in person I don’t think you’re being at all overprotective!

LittleGwyneth · 31/01/2022 11:20

You are being a bit over protective, but then she's gone from being a child to a teenager over the course of the pandemic so you've had very little time to get used to any of this.

Thing is, if you make this really difficult for her now then there's every chance that she'll just tell you she's out with friends next time. If you've got tracking on her phone, she's got money, and you know where she's supposed to be, the ways it can go wrong are pretty limited.

The most important thing is that she knows you'll come get her in the blink of an eye if she needs you to. I would really try not to regard this as any more dangerous than going out with a group of her friends.

If you're really worried then I would compromise by saying that she can get the bus there, she needs to message you a safe word when he arrives and it's fine, and that you'll pick her up at 7 (and be there waiting round the corner from 6.30).

LittleGwyneth · 31/01/2022 11:21

@JugglingJanuary none of us are totally safe at any point really. We all have to take calculated risks every day, otherwise we'd never leave the house (let alone go back to someone else's place). It's about finding your own risk tolerance, and not letting your life be dictated by fear.

Popcornriver · 31/01/2022 11:30

LittleGwyneth

That is such a good point about the pandemic. Most parents 'build up' freedoms outside the home. Really difficult to do when so many places have been closed and there's been restrictions on even outdoor socialisation.

Theblacksheepandme · 31/01/2022 12:19

pinkyredrose
Give her some freedom. Why not get her to take a self defence course, it'd give her and you some confidence

My daughter is 14 and has a black belt and also has been taught self defense. I can assure you that if a young strong boy or man wanted to attack or rape her he could. She would put up a better defense than someone without that training but she could still be overpowered. My daughter is under no illusion that having a black belt and self defense lessons makes her more safe.