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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I stop ex from seeing our son...

59 replies

mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:25

I'm just going to bullet point my reasons:

  • I have had to recently call the police due to harassment from him.
  • The police read through messages from him and says there is evidence of coercive control/hardassment. My only fault is replying to his messages because I was scared of any consequences of blocking him
  • I've been advised to get a non molestation order
  • he has never been violent to me but he has to women in the past. At least one I know is on his record.
  • he has a criminal background for violence (fights etc) but these were a good 20 years ago.
  • he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled
  • he lets his other children (my step children) stay up sometimes until past 11pm, lets them have sweets, doesn't get them dressed, showers them right before he has to take them home
  • uses his eldest daughter as a counsellor. She is a teenager. During our break up, he called her to say he wanted to die. He called her to tell her I was evil. She has witnessed him being violent to women in the past. He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times but very lightly (as in taken a few tablets) i have evidence in a text that he he recently took tablets
  • he is basically a narcissist and cannot put others abound himself, is completely selfish etc....

My son is only small. The damage he has done to his other dcs in awful and I feel I can save my son from damaging him and hopefully he will grow into a lovely young man who has been brought up correctly by myself knowing how to treat and respect women.

Is this enough to stop contact? Am I wrong for doing so?

I'm absolutely petrified of the future and I just want to protect my son.

Obviously the proof is there for his criminal record and I have the police involved with myself.

Im unsure of wether he will try contact anyway but I just want to be prepared for if he does

OP posts:
2022success · 30/01/2022 13:29

I can understand your concerns but am unsure whether the issues you have quoted would be considered sufficient.

The one that would carry most weight would be the attempted suicides I should think.

If he does have contact you could maybe ask for it to be at a contact centre so that there is no contact with you, considering the non mol order?

GreenTeaMom · 30/01/2022 13:29

I’m currently going through but but unfortunately I don’t think a court will find these reasons enough to stop contact. In my situation, I’ve been physically injured by my ex and so has our child on 3 occasions and has been left with bruises - and there is still a possibility he might get contact at the end of all this in court

GreenTeaMom · 30/01/2022 13:30

Meant to say I’m currently going through this too - auto correct!

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:31

@2022success

I can understand your concerns but am unsure whether the issues you have quoted would be considered sufficient.

The one that would carry most weight would be the attempted suicides I should think.

If he does have contact you could maybe ask for it to be at a contact centre so that there is no contact with you, considering the non mol order?

Yes I'd do that with a contact centre if I want granted it. It's my son being left alone with him that I am worried about
OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 30/01/2022 13:32

No, you can’t.

And you weaken your concerns by saying things like you want to cut contact because he gives his children sweets, lets them have a late bedtime and doesn’t shower them to your approved schedule.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:33

@GreenTeaMom

I’m currently going through but but unfortunately I don’t think a court will find these reasons enough to stop contact. In my situation, I’ve been physically injured by my ex and so has our child on 3 occasions and has been left with bruises - and there is still a possibility he might get contact at the end of all this in court
Wow that's horrific, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have really been through it. I'll prepare myself then, I'm hoping he just won't bother. He has other dcs and have a clear favourite child and that child is not my son.
OP posts:
GreenTeaMom · 30/01/2022 13:35

@mybeautifulson I don’t want to minimise your experience but I agree with PP there are no serious safe guarding concerns - letting them stay up late and eat sweets. If he wasn’t feed them at all, not putting them in clean clothes and not bathing them then yes. This wouldn’t get far in court at all I’m afraid, and I know because I’m currently going through this and my situation is serious enough that I’ve been threatened with social services if our child has contact with her dad, but I’ve been warned that he may be allowed some contact with her when it’s finalised - and he has physically injured her, bruised her and shaken her.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:35

@PotteringAlong

No, you can’t.

And you weaken your concerns by saying things like you want to cut contact because he gives his children sweets, lets them have a late bedtime and doesn’t shower them to your approved schedule.

Oh I wouldn't use that as to why I want him to stop contact. It was just an example as I was writing it all down to explain why he is irresponsible.

My main reasons are how he will mess with my child's mental health as he has done with his other children and that he can be violent to women.

I'm actually thinking it's best for me to sit back and wait. I doubt he would take me to court.

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 30/01/2022 13:36

Offer supervised contact.

If he refuses, don’t allow any contact until HE applies to court.

GreenTeaMom · 30/01/2022 13:36

@mybeautifulson and I really don’t mean that to come across in a harsh way - courts just do their best to maintain contact with both parents. So even though there are no safety concerns, unfortunately it means that less than ideal dads get access and it sounds like that might be your situation xx

PotteringAlong · 30/01/2022 13:37

But I wouldn’t mention it as a reason at all. Because actually, none of those things I quoted in my post make him an irresponsible parent and if you want to be taken seriously you cannot cloud the issue with irrelevancies because it doesn’t help your case.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:38

[quote GreenTeaMom]@mybeautifulson I don’t want to minimise your experience but I agree with PP there are no serious safe guarding concerns - letting them stay up late and eat sweets. If he wasn’t feed them at all, not putting them in clean clothes and not bathing them then yes. This wouldn’t get far in court at all I’m afraid, and I know because I’m currently going through this and my situation is serious enough that I’ve been threatened with social services if our child has contact with her dad, but I’ve been warned that he may be allowed some contact with her when it’s finalised - and he has physically injured her, bruised her and shaken her.[/quote]
Yeah I realise that, I'm just writing down all examples as to why he isn't not a good role model in my child's life.

He has locked my child in a room on occasions and wouldn't let me go comfort him. There's so many or others, he has smacked my son various times but I have no evidence to prove it. The same as not dressing and washing the children, I know he does it but I have no evidence

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:42

[quote GreenTeaMom]@mybeautifulson and I really don’t mean that to come across in a harsh way - courts just do their best to maintain contact with both parents. So even though there are no safety concerns, unfortunately it means that less than ideal dads get access and it sounds like that might be your situation xx[/quote]
It's fine, I wrote everything down as I need to know what I'm up against!

I have had the police and social services advising me to cut contact which I know I have a right to do so and let him take me to court. I'm just not sure if he would ever take me to court as he can barely look after himself.

Plus he's going very downhill financially, he has to pay for divorce also but he's spending all his money on him self, being very carefree. He's not even paid his tax bill.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 30/01/2022 13:43

What about your ds's right to see his daddy?

If you can organise supervised contact and you think your ex will show up regularly, I'd try for that. At least until there is a problem.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:48

@MintJulia

What about your ds's right to see his daddy?

If you can organise supervised contact and you think your ex will show up regularly, I'd try for that. At least until there is a problem.

Oh believe me I am thinking of this but he is abusive and honestly thinks of no one but himself. I have to protect my son.

What he has put my step children through is absolutely horrific - I am only finding this out from their not needs reaching out to me offering myself support. They are much older and are very mixed up.

I'm very close to my step children and still see them regularly (without ExH) and they have opened up to me about everything they actually experienced as young children.

Both mothers gave ExH limited contact with dcs up until he met me. The mothers felt the dcs could see their dad more regularly because of me and I was a stable part in their life so we had them on weekends and school holidays. ExH was never allowed this before he met me as he was not a good parent.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 30/01/2022 13:55

Then you need to follow your gut and protect your son. If ex takes you to court, I guess other family members will step up and act as witnesses.

MananaTomorrow · 30/01/2022 13:58

@MintJulia

What about your ds's right to see his daddy?

If you can organise supervised contact and you think your ex will show up regularly, I'd try for that. At least until there is a problem.

I’d say that if the police and SS are advising the Op to cut contact, the situation is pretty dire and the well-being if the child is to NOT see their dad.

@mybeautifulson would he actually bother to go to court to see him?

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 14:01

Sorry just realise a typo...

Their mothers it should say in replace of 'not needs'

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 14:07

@MananaTomorrow I wish I knew. He is full of empty threats.

Like I say, financially he is terrible, he may start gambling more. He's spending his money on himself instead of thinking about our impending divorce (thankfully I'm entitled to legal aid) and hasn't paid his tax bill yet so I don't even think he would be able to afford court. He won't be able to get a loan as he doesn't have the best credit score.

Having said that, he is now working cash in hand so will able to say he's not earning much....I have no idea if that would mean he doesn't have to pay as much in court costs

As far as wanting to see our son...he's had him a few hours every other weekend since I left him. He refuses to have him anymore than that. The only time I've asked him if he wants DS was on his birthday. He said he would have him for an hour as he was busy.

Maybe I shouldn't be so worried? Thinking about it, so far he hasn't actually really asked for any major contact.

He's absolutely delightful as you can all see Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 14:10

Also his other children don't live close to him, he always moans about having to travel about picking them up. They live 40mins from him in complete opposite directions.

I've been advised by the police to think about moving so I doubt he would want any extra travel as he already does enough with his other dcs.

Honestly what have I got myself into? I am blessed to have my son, I wouldn't change him for anything. Just a shame his dad is such a dickhead

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 30/01/2022 14:14

Did the police and SS say you should cut contact with you, or you and your child? There is a difference.

RedWingBoots · 30/01/2022 14:16

Then move away.

Offer him supervised contact in writing with family members and friends - notice the plural - you trust, and expect him not to take you up on the offer.

Oh and go through the CMS to ensure your son gets maintenance from him.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 14:21

@RedWingBoots

Did the police and SS say you should cut contact with you, or you and your child? There is a difference.
My child. The policeman said he doesn't look like he has changed from looking at his criminal record.

Social services were absolutely fab, they called my sons pre school to make sure that they are aware my son is not to be collected by his father. She said social services will help support me through court if it got that far. Again she talked about his criminal background and what he has done to his other children.

From the sounds of it, I don't have a leg to stand on. It's like everyone can see what kind of person he is and that he isn't a good father yet legally there's nothing that can be done to stop him seeing my son.

I'm just going to have to hope he cuts contact himself

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 14:23

@RedWingBoots

Then move away.

Offer him supervised contact in writing with family members and friends - notice the plural - you trust, and expect him not to take you up on the offer.

Oh and go through the CMS to ensure your son gets maintenance from him.

Yes I've been advised to do this also. I'm looking for the right place but I think it's my only option. Right now he's a 3 minute drive from us. His family (who haven't asked to see DS and haven't seen him since September) live closer than that.

I know there's nothing stopping me from moving. It feels like the best option. Again the police have advised me to let him know where we live. He doesn't need to know legally

OP posts:
Halfabag · 30/01/2022 19:09

It’s tough, I imagine for you to hand him over if he’s not a good man, but unfortunately you don’t have to be a good parent to maintain contact, the bar is set pretty low. Definitely don’t mention the sweets etc to to anyone else. That’s petty and just sounds like what happens with older kids at weekends anyway, up later, eat more junk and laze around a bit. When you add it to the real concerns it diminishes them. OP I have to ask, why did you have a child with him, you had to have known at least some of this stuff beforehand and dismissed concerns. Unless he is a danger to the children, he should see them.