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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I stop ex from seeing our son...

59 replies

mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:25

I'm just going to bullet point my reasons:

  • I have had to recently call the police due to harassment from him.
  • The police read through messages from him and says there is evidence of coercive control/hardassment. My only fault is replying to his messages because I was scared of any consequences of blocking him
  • I've been advised to get a non molestation order
  • he has never been violent to me but he has to women in the past. At least one I know is on his record.
  • he has a criminal background for violence (fights etc) but these were a good 20 years ago.
  • he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled
  • he lets his other children (my step children) stay up sometimes until past 11pm, lets them have sweets, doesn't get them dressed, showers them right before he has to take them home
  • uses his eldest daughter as a counsellor. She is a teenager. During our break up, he called her to say he wanted to die. He called her to tell her I was evil. She has witnessed him being violent to women in the past. He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times but very lightly (as in taken a few tablets) i have evidence in a text that he he recently took tablets
  • he is basically a narcissist and cannot put others abound himself, is completely selfish etc....

My son is only small. The damage he has done to his other dcs in awful and I feel I can save my son from damaging him and hopefully he will grow into a lovely young man who has been brought up correctly by myself knowing how to treat and respect women.

Is this enough to stop contact? Am I wrong for doing so?

I'm absolutely petrified of the future and I just want to protect my son.

Obviously the proof is there for his criminal record and I have the police involved with myself.

Im unsure of wether he will try contact anyway but I just want to be prepared for if he does

OP posts:
Sofiegiraffe · 31/01/2022 06:33

@KitchenTowel

If I was you I'd be concerned as well. But you really need to filter your concerns so that you are taken seriously.

I'd go with these:

he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled

  • He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times

And this:

He has locked my child in a room on occasions and wouldn't let me go comfort him.

That's horrendous. Poor child.

AlternativePerspective · 31/01/2022 06:40

I’m sorry, he’s clearly a nasty piece of work but I have to ask.

You knew he had a violent history. You knew he had history against his ex’s, you knew that his ex’s had withheld contact with their children and only permitted this when you arrived on the scene, but you married and had a child with him anyway?

Obviously what’s done is done and you can’t change the past, but ffs. Angry

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 31/01/2022 07:38

@AlternativePerspective

I’m sorry, he’s clearly a nasty piece of work but I have to ask.

You knew he had a violent history. You knew he had history against his ex’s, you knew that his ex’s had withheld contact with their children and only permitted this when you arrived on the scene, but you married and had a child with him anyway?

Obviously what’s done is done and you can’t change the past, but ffs. Angry

As previously said, abusers aren't always abusive. In my case it was clever and very subtly done. He never hit me or was physically violent. Although he was to others but again I found this out after I left. I was different to his ex's, I never stood up to him as I thought it was the best way. Then he would be lovely again for months on end.

Everything ive said since I've left about the way he was with his dcs I have only found out about since I've left. Myself and my step daughter had some very long talks in the weeks before I left him where she opened up but before that I knew absolutely nothing.

It's easy for you to judge but please realise what some abusers are like. They are clever, sometimes they don't have to do that much to control you. And the victim has no idea that she's being controlled. It's a vey confusing place to be.

The truth always comes out and it has, unfortunately for me it's been at the end of the relationship instead of the beginning

OP posts:
Namast3 · 31/01/2022 08:30

@AlternativePerspective

I’m sorry, he’s clearly a nasty piece of work but I have to ask.

You knew he had a violent history. You knew he had history against his ex’s, you knew that his ex’s had withheld contact with their children and only permitted this when you arrived on the scene, but you married and had a child with him anyway?

Obviously what’s done is done and you can’t change the past, but ffs. Angry

How horribly judgemental of you. You've clearly never been in an abusive relationship to realise how hard and awful it is. Op didn't ask for advice on her past relationships and the mistakes you think she's made, she's a better person than me to dignify you with a response to your horrible post. I hope you never experience abuse or control in your life.
megletthesecond · 31/01/2022 08:32

Sadly you can't.

The rights of a dreadful father to see their child override the rights of a child to have a caring upbringing.

Suzanne999 · 31/01/2022 10:05

It’s appalling how low a man’s parenting standards go yet he is still allowed access to his children. Being left alone in a car while dad is in a betting shop, not showering them ( that’s pretty basic) and using his teenage daughter as his counsellor.

Is there any chance you could get a job about an hour - two hours away? Hopefully then he won’t bother with access. I’d have thought the offer of a job would satisfy any court that moving is necessary.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 31/01/2022 11:11

@Suzanne999

It’s appalling how low a man’s parenting standards go yet he is still allowed access to his children. Being left alone in a car while dad is in a betting shop, not showering them ( that’s pretty basic) and using his teenage daughter as his counsellor.

Is there any chance you could get a job about an hour - two hours away? Hopefully then he won’t bother with access. I’d have thought the offer of a job would satisfy any court that moving is necessary.

I've spoken to social services again and she has advised that I have very good reasons to stop him from seeing my son this weekend.

She's told me what to put in a text. She said because of his criminal background, it would be very unpleasant for him to go through the courts for access and very expensive too. It's just a waiting game. But I hate waiting games.

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 31/01/2022 11:13

@Suzanne999 and yes I absolutely want to move away and I could get a little job wherever I moved too. That's in my plan, I'm just trying to find the right house. I am a priority case with council housing too. I will get there eventually x

OP posts:
BlackMansGift · 12/11/2022 20:44

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