Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I stop ex from seeing our son...

59 replies

mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 13:25

I'm just going to bullet point my reasons:

  • I have had to recently call the police due to harassment from him.
  • The police read through messages from him and says there is evidence of coercive control/hardassment. My only fault is replying to his messages because I was scared of any consequences of blocking him
  • I've been advised to get a non molestation order
  • he has never been violent to me but he has to women in the past. At least one I know is on his record.
  • he has a criminal background for violence (fights etc) but these were a good 20 years ago.
  • he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled
  • he lets his other children (my step children) stay up sometimes until past 11pm, lets them have sweets, doesn't get them dressed, showers them right before he has to take them home
  • uses his eldest daughter as a counsellor. She is a teenager. During our break up, he called her to say he wanted to die. He called her to tell her I was evil. She has witnessed him being violent to women in the past. He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times but very lightly (as in taken a few tablets) i have evidence in a text that he he recently took tablets
  • he is basically a narcissist and cannot put others abound himself, is completely selfish etc....

My son is only small. The damage he has done to his other dcs in awful and I feel I can save my son from damaging him and hopefully he will grow into a lovely young man who has been brought up correctly by myself knowing how to treat and respect women.

Is this enough to stop contact? Am I wrong for doing so?

I'm absolutely petrified of the future and I just want to protect my son.

Obviously the proof is there for his criminal record and I have the police involved with myself.

Im unsure of wether he will try contact anyway but I just want to be prepared for if he does

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 19:16

My son is only small. The damage he has done to his other dcs in awful and I feel I can save my son from damaging him and hopefully he will grow into a lovely young man who has been brought up correctly by myself knowing how to treat and respect women.

Unfortunately you can't just erase him from your son's life like that. You 'gave' him his father and that's something you'll no doubt always regret but your child could well end up resenting you when he's old enough to know you tried to keep them apart.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 19:43

@Halfabag

It’s tough, I imagine for you to hand him over if he’s not a good man, but unfortunately you don’t have to be a good parent to maintain contact, the bar is set pretty low. Definitely don’t mention the sweets etc to to anyone else. That’s petty and just sounds like what happens with older kids at weekends anyway, up later, eat more junk and laze around a bit. When you add it to the real concerns it diminishes them. OP I have to ask, why did you have a child with him, you had to have known at least some of this stuff beforehand and dismissed concerns. Unless he is a danger to the children, he should see them.
Failed contraception. Believe me I had my whits about me. Leaving him has been the scariest thing I've ever done. Abusers are nice sometimes. Otherwise no one would ever be with them.
OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 19:44

@DiddyHeck

My son is only small. The damage he has done to his other dcs in awful and I feel I can save my son from damaging him and hopefully he will grow into a lovely young man who has been brought up correctly by myself knowing how to treat and respect women.

Unfortunately you can't just erase him from your son's life like that. You 'gave' him his father and that's something you'll no doubt always regret but your child could well end up resenting you when he's old enough to know you tried to keep them apart.

Yes possibly. It's very hard. He will 100% damage my son in some way. I just want it to to be as minimal as possible - ideally not at all.

I'm just a mother who wants the best for her son. I'd get slated if i didn't care

OP posts:
KitchenTowel · 30/01/2022 19:49

If I was you I'd be concerned as well. But you really need to filter your concerns so that you are taken seriously.

I'd go with these:

he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled

  • He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times
Cardboardf0x · 30/01/2022 19:55

I'm going through the family court. I live in hiding from my ex after living in a refuge with DD then relocated. He assaulted me and left me physically scarred. He abused our daughter and choked her and has also tried to starve her of food. There was evidence of his horrific abuse via 20 police call outs from 3 different counties and the local authority. The local authority actually stated he would kill either myself or our daughter if he got to us.
Despite all of this. He took me to court and for the last 1.5 years he's been having supervised contact in a contact centre whilst cafcass do their section 7 and figure out how unsupervised would be safe.
In short, don't hold your breath.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 19:56

@KitchenTowel

If I was you I'd be concerned as well. But you really need to filter your concerns so that you are taken seriously.

I'd go with these:

he is a gambling addict - may not be a reason not to stop but many years ago he left his child (my step child) in a car for a long time while he went into a bookies and gambled

  • He has also smacked her and once pushed the back of her head.
  • has tried to commit suicide a few times
The suicide is bound to be on his medical records as he apparently called an ambulance.

Would the violence to women not count for anything? He once was physically violent with an ex which was witnessed by my step daughter and she ran away. I've only found this out since I left him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 19:58

@Cardboardf0x

I'm going through the family court. I live in hiding from my ex after living in a refuge with DD then relocated. He assaulted me and left me physically scarred. He abused our daughter and choked her and has also tried to starve her of food. There was evidence of his horrific abuse via 20 police call outs from 3 different counties and the local authority. The local authority actually stated he would kill either myself or our daughter if he got to us. Despite all of this. He took me to court and for the last 1.5 years he's been having supervised contact in a contact centre whilst cafcass do their section 7 and figure out how unsupervised would be safe. In short, don't hold your breath.
Thank you. I plan on doing the same as you and leaving. I am hoping he will just cut contact himself.

I'm so sorry to hear your story, absolutely heartbreaking! I hope he never gets more than supervised visits

OP posts:
Cardboardf0x · 30/01/2022 20:07

Anything that is in the past is classed as historic abuse. It depends what the status quo is now. What contact is he having now?

MrsLighthouse · 30/01/2022 20:11

All contact should be for the benefit of the child and not the parent .
Criminal activity is a reason to withhold contact. Has he been warned re your harassment ?
Tell him to go to court to get access. He probably won’t bother.
Honestly without a court order no authorities will be interested in whether he sees your son or not and no one can make you agree.
Try to stop all contact and if it is possible move further away .
Best of luck x

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 20:13

@Cardboardf0x

Anything that is in the past is classed as historic abuse. It depends what the status quo is now. What contact is he having now?
In all honesty next to none. A few hours every other weekend. I don't ask him for any contact. When he says he will have DS, it isn't planned - he just says 'drop him off for a few hours if you want'

He hasn't actually asked for contact at all since the police have been involved. Haven't heard anything odd him but if he's going to ask, it will next weekend as that's when he has his other dcs.

I have however told him that I will no longer be dropping DS off and collecting him at his house as I do not feel safe. I've told him he needs to get his own care seat and a member of my family will meet him in a public car park.

He won't want to buy a car seat so I'm not sure if that will even be enough to just not bother seeing DS. Fingers crossed...

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 20:15

@MrsLighthouse

All contact should be for the benefit of the child and not the parent . Criminal activity is a reason to withhold contact. Has he been warned re your harassment ? Tell him to go to court to get access. He probably won’t bother. Honestly without a court order no authorities will be interested in whether he sees your son or not and no one can make you agree. Try to stop all contact and if it is possible move further away . Best of luck x
Yes he's been warned about the harassment and I haven't heard from him since.

It's just such an unsettling time for me, I feel I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't see him actually taking me to court either but who knows. It all depends on how much he wants to ruin my life going forward

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/01/2022 20:30

Do you have a social worker? Listen to them and what they advise.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 20:31

@Hankunamatata

Do you have a social worker? Listen to them and what they advise.
Yes they are involved, I'll call them tomorrow
OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 20:34

@Hankunamatata it's more the mental damage he could do to DS. As i think I've already said, he has rang my step daughter telling her he wants to die. He was ringing her at 11.30 at night and pouring all his problems on to her. Her mum has sent him a text to tell him to stop but I don't know if he's listened. He's a narcissist and isn't capable of loving anyone

OP posts:
Lilymossflower · 30/01/2022 21:24

Your story read just like mine op. All of it.

I got a non molestation order. He broke it.

Women's aid advised me at time of non mol order that child contact should only be done through a child contact centre untill he proves himself and regains trust.

He saw son in a contact centre once, too long ago for my son to remember.

Never seen son since, except from random harrassments, I never let him take him, that was pretty bad at first but has cooled down and my son has absolutely no memory of any of It.

If he ever turns up out the blue again claiming rights to child, the police can escort him away and he can go to the contact centre if he is really serious about it !

The ball is completely in your court op.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/01/2022 21:31

What about your ds's right to see his daddy?

What the daddy the locked him in a room and wouldn't let his mother in to comfort him? The daddy that smacks him? The daddy that has assaulted his daughter? Honestly some people infuriate me with their stupidity.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/01/2022 21:33

If ss and the police have told you to cut his contact, then that's what you should do. He is unlikely to even take you to court.

Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 21:33

@Lilymossflower

Your story read just like mine op. All of it.

I got a non molestation order. He broke it.

Women's aid advised me at time of non mol order that child contact should only be done through a child contact centre untill he proves himself and regains trust.

He saw son in a contact centre once, too long ago for my son to remember.

Never seen son since, except from random harrassments, I never let him take him, that was pretty bad at first but has cooled down and my son has absolutely no memory of any of It.

If he ever turns up out the blue again claiming rights to child, the police can escort him away and he can go to the contact centre if he is really serious about it !

The ball is completely in your court op.

This is a positive story thank you! That's exactly what I need to do - get him to prove his trust which he won't as he hates people telling him what to do.

I'll go for the non mol order as I think I need too for my own mental health and then suggest visits in a contact centre where he proves he has our sons best interests at heart which will never happen.

What I really need is a solicitor but hopefully this time next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
mybeautifulson · 30/01/2022 21:35

@Thatsplentyjack

What about your ds's right to see his daddy?

What the daddy the locked him in a room and wouldn't let his mother in to comfort him? The daddy that smacks him? The daddy that has assaulted his daughter? Honestly some people infuriate me with their stupidity.

This is all while I was there. It petrifies me to think what could happen if I wasn't! I understand my son has a father but his father is an abusive narcissist and I need to do everything I can as his mother to protect him.
OP posts:
SD1978 · 30/01/2022 21:47

The only Vicente you have is text messages, which I'm assuming are post break up. Most of your other points are parenting differences, or lack of parenting that you don't like. Most of them don't constitute dangerous parenting. Shitty and neglectful, yes, but not a danger to the child. How long were you together with him? I'm assuming you saw all this with his other children, but didn't see it as dangerous enough to report him to anyone for their sake. You can refuse to allow him to see the child, but it sounds like you need to organise court and orders to minimise the risk to your child, that you feel no one minimised with his other children,

Thefantasticfour · 30/01/2022 21:47

Courts are very much fighting for fathers rights to see their children now so without any evidence of him locking your child in a room or real factual evidence of him being a narcissist or mentally damaging to your child you probably won't get anywhere other than advised to go through a contact centre. Even the suicide attempts won't get held against him aslong as he provides evidence that he's in touch with crisis teams or therapy, it'll be an advisory to go to a contact centre until the trust is rebuilt. Contact centres are arranged out of court by you or him, and im fairly sure there's a small charge for them. If I was you, I'd look at where the closest centre is, send him an email and say your willing to set up contact from there at a set time every other week so that you have a paper trail of what you're offering, and if he doesn't turn up or stick to it then let him take you to court and explain to a judge why he didn't show up. Inconsistency to an offered arrangement will look worse for him than anything youve said above. Also, previous criminal record won't be used against him either, if the offences were years ago, that's why we have a rehabilitation of offenders act. I know it seems unfair but in the eyes of the law, unless you have real evidence that he's a danger to your child you won't get anywhere.

Steelesauce · 30/01/2022 21:59

Just stop the contact and let him take you court, I doubt he will bother. People don't realise what its like to have an abusive ex and the stress around it. If social services are telling you to cut the contact then do it. If you don't, you can end up in more worse trouble should something happen. My ex battered his new girlfriends child, social services called me and asked if he had contact, I said no and they said good otherwise we would have to put your children on a child protection plan!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 01:21

Abusive ex’s are generally full of shite and often don’t bother their arses going to court (mine didn’t, thank fuck). But some do.

So offer supervised contact.

If he goes to court, I’d strongly advise a direct access barrister over a solicitor any day in cases like these to fight for your sons right to safety - because that what should be paramount in family court, and all too often, it isn’t.

Nailsbythesea · 31/01/2022 04:49

@BitcherOfBlakiven

Offer supervised contact.

If he refuses, don’t allow any contact until HE applies to court.

This
Namast3 · 31/01/2022 06:02

@Thefantasticfour

Courts are very much fighting for fathers rights to see their children now so without any evidence of him locking your child in a room or real factual evidence of him being a narcissist or mentally damaging to your child you probably won't get anywhere other than advised to go through a contact centre. Even the suicide attempts won't get held against him aslong as he provides evidence that he's in touch with crisis teams or therapy, it'll be an advisory to go to a contact centre until the trust is rebuilt. Contact centres are arranged out of court by you or him, and im fairly sure there's a small charge for them. If I was you, I'd look at where the closest centre is, send him an email and say your willing to set up contact from there at a set time every other week so that you have a paper trail of what you're offering, and if he doesn't turn up or stick to it then let him take you to court and explain to a judge why he didn't show up. Inconsistency to an offered arrangement will look worse for him than anything youve said above. Also, previous criminal record won't be used against him either, if the offences were years ago, that's why we have a rehabilitation of offenders act. I know it seems unfair but in the eyes of the law, unless you have real evidence that he's a danger to your child you won't get anywhere.
Sorry I have to disagree with some of this if I may as I've been through the family court myself. Contact centre we are agreed as a direction of supervised contact. They are not agreed outside of the court.. There is not a small charge, contact centres are very expensive for supervised contact as you receive a report at the end of it. I pay in exceeds of £90 every other week for half the cost of contact. Despite domestic abuse being proven and made fact. Oh that is the other thing, be careful as you may be court ordered to pay half the cost of contact like I am.