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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it normal to have a lukewarm reception to announcing your third?

106 replies

MerryKIFmas · 29/12/2007 20:59

I guess it does get a bit repetitive for people on the outside...

My mum was very pleased about my third pregnancy... but from Dh's side we've been deafened by the silence. When we went down at Christmas, it was clear that virtually none of the family friends knew the news - the only one that congratulated us said "I didn't know until XXX mentioned that at least you'd stopped throwing up in time to eat the turkey" . . It's like I've announced a medical condition, not a pregnancy.

The only chat about the subject was like "and you think you're getting no sleep now!" and "so what are you allowed to eat then?" and "you're mad".

Do you think people disapprove (!) ? As though there's and impression that 3rd baby equals Dh being trapped by overwhelming family commitments?

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 30/12/2007 22:14

I have found that if you have 2 DC of same sex everyone assumes you must be trying for the opposite sex and if you have 1 of each they assume it was an accident

DontDreamItBeIt · 30/12/2007 22:30

PaulaYatesBiggestFan.

I agree with TheDutchessOfNorksBride re grandchild placement. PIL have great grandchildren older than our three so the novelty had definitely worn off for them.

Sidge · 30/12/2007 22:44

Oh I know just what you mean!

When we announced number 3 was due, we got:

You're a glutton for punishment
Are you going to keep going till you get a boy? (had 2 girls already)
Was it planned? (from my MIL!)
Are you sure that's a good idea? (As DD2 is disabled and has SN; like we hadn't thought about all that...)

I think only about 3 people said congratulations!

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 30/12/2007 22:46

WCL - or they go for the double whammy and assume that it was an accident and it had better be (insert preferred sex) or you'll be 'upset' and 'disappointed' to have gone through 'all that' again

Grrrrrrrh!

Christie · 30/12/2007 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

time4me · 30/12/2007 22:54

a jealous reaction.....

Nemostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/12/2007 22:56

completley ormal..in fact ~I had are oyu pg..again...oh dear... I wept for a day..of course now dd2 is 1 next week and much loved by all

ibblewob · 30/12/2007 23:59

Op, Congratulations! Am pregnant with my second but already day-dreaming about third and fourth . Fortunately my family and I go to a church where large families are nearly the norm (3 or 4 kids about average, 7 the record!) so lots of lovely positive comments and congrats from there.

Elsewhere though is not so great - one of my friends had 3 under 3 for a while and got so many negative comments from people in the street, let alone family! It astounds me how much others feel they are entitled or even obliged to let you have their opinions on your situation. Especially when their opinions are so uninformed, like the 'overpopulation' argument (google 'overpopulation myth' for eg). I don't know which side is right, but if you do care about these things, I can't believe that bringing children up to be positive members of society is anything other than a great thing for this country.

Elasticwoman · 31/12/2007 21:03

Congratulations Kif, and all the best for a good pg and birth.

We have 3 and had some very negative reactions when announcing 3rd was on the way.
Mil asked "is dh pleased?" as if I had sneaked off and done it without his permission. Distinct lack of congratulations from close friends who also asked if we were trying for a boy. It was as if I was letting the side down, having another baby instead of picking up my career where I left off.

Some people were a little more effusive after the birth so let's hope your dh's family warm to the idea in time, too.

tassisssss · 31/12/2007 21:06

congratulations!

we've had quite a few "are you mad?!" comments this time round too

ThreeMancubs · 31/12/2007 21:09

Congratulations. Three is a great number . I think people get very excited about the first, and then slightly less so for the others... until it arrives.

beeper · 31/12/2007 22:51

Congratulations!!!!!

People are being 'conditioned' socially to disprove of having more than two children. Its akin to the stigma being created around smoking and not recylcing etc.

I maybe a tad into conspiracy theories.

CharlieAndLolasMummy · 01/01/2008 08:32

pmsl beeper

I HONESTLY don't think that my inlaws are disaproving of no 3 out of some over zealous environmental conscience

I think they are just rude eegits, tbh.

babalon · 01/01/2008 21:01

I actually got the best response with the 3rd I just don't think they knew what to say big surprise! dd and ds1 were 7 + 9 so everyone thought our baby making days had been.

With dd I was 18 and my mum cried and dad asked DH 'if we were getting married then?' when we finally got round to telling them.

ds1 told parents and they said 'knew that was coming' WTF! Aparently I'd said to mum that I had an appointment at the family planning clinic so they knew 'it' was coming! At the end of the day it's no onn elses buisness. Have a good pregnancy and enjoy your baby.

milliemuffin · 14/01/2011 14:24

I already have a DS and a DD so people were REALLY shocked when we announced we are expecting DC3. Some family members said 'congratulations' but there was no doubting it was forced. This actually upset me quite a bit and for a while made me feel really guilty like I'd somehow ruined my 'perfect' little family.

Now I'm just really looking forward to having 3 children. My babies are my everything, so beautiful and clever and I'm the one that gets to spend all my days with them so as long as I'm happy and they're happy, who cares what anyone else says/thinks.

NightLark · 14/01/2011 14:32

Kind of nice to hear all this is 'normal'. We have one of each, are expecting no.3 and got "are you EVER going to stop?" from my mum. The ILs were pleased though. Think the fact that we will both be 40+ when no. 3 arrives has added to the disapproval...

duchesse · 14/01/2011 14:33

Oh yes, ime. My MIL was downright rude about it- Along the lines of "What on earth do you want a third child for???"

On the other hand, after ttc for 6 years and a MC along the way, she was delighted when we announced that No 4 was on the way. Go figure, as they say.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2011 14:46

Bumblelion... that was a really great post. It doesn't cost anything to be 'kind'.

I think some people just blurt out a comment without thinking it through and others just keep quiet because they don't know what to say.

I was watching an old film the other day, 'Cheaper by the Dozen' but the good version, and it didn't seem the done thing to announce pregnancies in those days, just show up with the new baby eventually. :)

I don't know what the right response is, other than 'congratulations'. I suppose it's better if family keep quiet rather than make hurtful comments. Perhaps they really don't approve and aren't happy for whatever reason?

Do whatever makes you happy, without hurting others, and don't bother to seek approval is probably it in a nutshell.

smileyfacestar · 14/01/2011 16:01

I actually felt like that on my second. My family didn't seem bothered (although love her to bits now). DH family did not see baby until 3 months after the birth. People now assume I won't have number 3 but I'm not sure I have finished yet!

kepler10b · 14/01/2011 16:13

people probably also experience this when they are on their third wedding or thired house purchase......

is it really important to have a congratualtions? surely the important thing is to have something you wanted not the admiration of other people?

Firawla · 14/01/2011 16:23

im expecting my 3rd, most people have been nice, saying congrats etc. have had a few comments of "you'll have your hands full" etc but my dc are fairly close together and both still young so a fairly typical comment and not meant nastily i think.
i would always congrat people whether 3rd, 4th or 10th, the negative reactions are v rude! people may not like the idea of more dc themselves but its not them who will be having them is it, so keep their disapproval to themselves.
congrats op!!

largeginandtonic · 14/01/2011 16:28

Huge congratulations

Wait till you get to no.7... the comments are just ridiculous. Sometimes i just got a sigh!

Paulayates

Bogeyface · 14/01/2011 16:31

Fairly common ime.

I am having my 6th and you really dont want to know some of the things that were said......

Bogeyface · 14/01/2011 16:32

LargeG&T, not just me then?!

SaggyHairyArse · 14/01/2011 16:37

Yes, it's a normal response sadly!

If you have two children of the same sex then people assume you want the opposite and if you aleady have one of each then people think it was an accident.

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