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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider telling 3 year old some people believe in Heaven even though I don’t?

59 replies

Lancssss · 29/01/2022 20:25

My 3 year old has become terrified of dying. She gets upset about it daily and is often awake for hours in the night and is distressed. It’s been happening for a couple of weeks.
We haven’t lost any family members, no one is ill, so I don’t know where it’s coming from. So far I’ve told her it won’t happen to any of us for a really, really, really long time. I’ve said that we’re going to have so many years of loads of fun with our family and friends. Nothing seems to be helping.
A family member has suggested I tell her that some people believe you go to Heaven when you die and to explain what Heaven is. Then also explain that some people believe we get reincarnated, so she might come back as a cat or something.
I am an Atheist and my older DC knows I am. Would I be unreasonable to tell her about Heaven etc to try to reassure her and comfort her?

OP posts:
busyeatingbiscuits · 29/01/2022 20:28

Sure, why not? She'll learn about different beliefs at school anyway.

Rodion · 29/01/2022 20:32

Not a bad suggestion at all, but I do wonder if at 3 it isn't really about dying (because what does that really mean to them at that age, it's a very hard concept to grasp) but about being away from you, in which case heaven might not really change anything.

Have there been any big changes like having to start nursery or something recently?

BlueberryBalloon · 29/01/2022 20:34

It’s a always good to present both sides of an argument to children- they can then make up their own minds.

AvocadoParsnip · 29/01/2022 20:37

YANBU. I grew up with (strong) religious beliefs and am now an atheist. The thought of heaven was quite comforting - wish I could believe in it still as death scares the crap out of me tbh.

MistyFrequencies · 29/01/2022 20:38

My daughter went through a death obsessed phase about the same age. We are also atheist but her granny is buried in a Catholic cemetery with big crosses with Jesus on them. So she asks. So we tell her. Our explanation is that there is a book called the Bible that some people think is true, but mum&dad think it's a story book. So she knows about Heaven. She still says her granny has "gone to the grave" though if anyone asks. I think it's good for them to understand other people's views on religion etc.

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 20:38

@Rodion

Not a bad suggestion at all, but I do wonder if at 3 it isn't really about dying (because what does that really mean to them at that age, it's a very hard concept to grasp) but about being away from you, in which case heaven might not really change anything.

Have there been any big changes like having to start nursery or something recently?

She is very clingy at the moment, so it may well be about being away from me. She also keeps saying “Granny will be really sad when I’m dead” and that she’ll miss her teddies. Nothing has happened recently, she’s been in nursery for 18 months and is very happy there. She’s nearly 4 and has very good language skills and good understanding compared to her sibling at the same age, but I accept “dead” is a very advanced concept for a pre schooler.
OP posts:
Footnote · 29/01/2022 20:39

I told mine it was the same as before she was born and she was happy with that,
She was mostly worried about not being alone and I told her she would never feel alone.
I also tell her how many birthdays her grandparents have had and ask her how many she has had and tell her that people mostly have lots of birthdays before they die. This also seemed to help.
I really really didn’t want to start with the heaven stuff and so far I have avoided it.

Redglitter · 29/01/2022 20:42

My niece was a similar age when my Dad died. She had no concept of death and Heaven seemed the easiest and least scary option to explain why Grandpa wasn't coming back.

Though I remember a few months later her asking 'How did my Grandpa get to heaven, did God send a bus down for him' I quite liked that idea 😂

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 20:42

@Footnote

I told mine it was the same as before she was born and she was happy with that, She was mostly worried about not being alone and I told her she would never feel alone. I also tell her how many birthdays her grandparents have had and ask her how many she has had and tell her that people mostly have lots of birthdays before they die. This also seemed to help. I really really didn’t want to start with the heaven stuff and so far I have avoided it.
I think this is probably the issue actually, not being alone. It’s definitely helpful to get other peoples views so thanks all.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 20:45

@Redglitter

My niece was a similar age when my Dad died. She had no concept of death and Heaven seemed the easiest and least scary option to explain why Grandpa wasn't coming back.

Though I remember a few months later her asking 'How did my Grandpa get to heaven, did God send a bus down for him' I quite liked that idea 😂

Kids are so funny!
OP posts:
AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:45

Aww I rarely see 100% agreement on here. I was a raging atheist from 7 onwards but at 29 became christian anarchist.

TheCanyon · 29/01/2022 20:48

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:49

Nobody told me about heaven but I wish they had cause at around age 6 I got extremely sad and became depressed at the sudden realisation that my grandparents would die (they were raising me for years)

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 20:52

@TheCanyon Have a heart. Should she tell her straight that dear GP is rotting away in the ground? I’m very sorry, OP to say it so bluntly but it bothers me when adults parentify children because it’s ‘manipulative’ to protect them from the world.

satci · 29/01/2022 20:52

@TheCanyon

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.
What? To tell a child that some people believe in heaven?? Absolutely true. Even for non believers heaven is quite an abstract and worldwide concept. She'll have to learn about it soon enough.
sohypnotic · 29/01/2022 20:55

DD is 4 now but was 3 when her Great Grandafther died and I took quite a long time to talk to her as didn't want to scare her, and her understanding was very good. She is 4 now, and understands death but still has moments of fear - as others have said, more about not being with us, not having her toys - she's expressed similar fear about growing up.

I definitely wanted to avoid any explanation that likened it to sleep (fear or bed - no thankyou!) but like you we are not religious. I did this book with her just as a story, it's obviously about the concept of heaven but in a very non-religious way. Tell Me About Heaven, Grandpa Rabbit!: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0992616794/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttiJ7EEYPAR7HRM6GM7QNFR

She also twigged the granny in Julia Donaldson's 'paper dolls' was in the little girls memory because she had died - so the idea of someone living on in everyones memories is another route.

We also talked about it not happening to any of us for a really long time - we looked up the oldest people who had ever lived on internet to give a bit more context to how long 'really long time' could be.

MrWhippyBloon · 29/01/2022 20:56

I'm atheist and haven't told my kids about heaven. What helped my son with similar worries at that age was to explain that most people die when they're very very old, so by the time I die he will probably have children and grandchildren of his own, and would be living in his own house. This really seemed to reassure him that he'd probably be a grown up so a) it's a long way off and b) he'd be better equipped to deal with it by then. He has never seemed worried about his own death though, just DH and I (I blame Disney - why do so many kids films feature tragic deaths of parents!)

BikiniB0tt0m · 29/01/2022 21:00

@TheCanyon

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.
I would say we all have a mind of our own and sooner or later children learn all sorts of beliefs. Especially if they go to school. We should teach our kids what we believe in all honesty (because well we believe it to be true) why wouldn't we. But it's up to the child to make their own mind up at the end of the day. They may believe what the parent believes but as they get older the complete opposite and parents should respect they are their own person.
FloatyBoaty · 29/01/2022 21:04

My DS (5) is very curious about death and dying and what happens after. I’ve told him (in response to various questions):

  • that yes we will all die one day, that it’s nothing to be afraid of, and that lots of people have lots of different ideas about what happens next
  • that dying is when our bodies get too tired or too poorly or broken to carry on- but nobody knows what happens to the inside bit that some people call the soul- which is made up of all of your dreams and hopes and loves … and that many people believe that that part can carry on without the body
  • that the trick is to enjoy life and not worry about the after - but that as he gets older, he’ll find that he has his own ideas about death and what’s next
  • I’ve told him about different belief systems- reincarnation, heaven, the idea that all of the energy in our bodies goes back out into the universe and we become part of everything, and like a PP, that it’s maybe how it was before he was born
  • I’ve explained that when someone you love dies, you don’t really lose them. They stay in your heart, and you keep a special connection with them through your memories and sometimes your dreams

And I confess because he is a bit concerned about being separated from me, I told him that before he was born, there was a special cord that went between us that gave him food and oxygen. When he was born, that cord was cut, but it was replaced by an invisible cord that goes from my heart to his heart and vice versa- so even better than the umbilical cord because it goes two ways, and carries our love- and that no matter what happens, or where we go, in our bodies or in our spirits, we’ll always have that special heart connection.

It seems to have done the trick. He’s very calm about the idea of death and doesn’t seem at all afraid of people he loves dying- (I was terrified at his age)- which was all I want for him really. To accept it as part of life, and not to worry.

It IS a bit perturbing when I’m trying to have a really beautiful, sensitive moment, and he asks if human bodies are like dinosaur bodies and we turn into fossils when we die “when our meat falls off” Envy (not envy) but hey ho!

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 21:05

@TheCanyon

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.
This was my initial worry when it was suggested, but as has been pointed out on the thread already, my family members argument was that she’ll be told that at school which is only a year off. Her sibling has already been told that. One of my parents has a very religious upbringing and has rejected it completely as an adult, so I’ve been brought up to believe that God definitely doesn’t exist and religion can be quite harmful to peoples lives. It’s absolutely heartbreaking though to listen to her crying in the middle of the night for hours that she doesn’t want to die, and why do we have to die.
OP posts:
Mischance · 29/01/2022 21:10

When my OH died 2 years ago, the GC, then aged from 4 to 17 were very much in the loop with what was happening. He did not die suddenly and the children had seen him getting more helpless - and had been suitably intrigued by the catheter pipework!

He then went into a nursing home and they visited him there and watched him slowly fading away - I have a photo of some of them round his bed when he was unconscious - taken at their request. They held his hand and gave him hugs and so on.

I was particularly impressed by my 14 year old autistic GD who responded very caringly to his needs.

When he died it was not a shock to them - they all had been told this was where it was all leading. We talked about his atoms going "back to the stardust". All except the youngest two came to the funeral and burial and took this in their stride - the two littlest were brought to the wake and were there for several conversations about the death.

I do think that it helped that they were involved before and could see that it was just grandpa getting sleepier.

I hope that you can find the right way to reassure your DD. Certainly for ours the concept of the law of conservation of matter helped - expressed age-appropriately as the idea that our atoms never go away, they just go somewhere else and - who knows? - become something else.

FunkyPhantom · 29/01/2022 21:13

Wait until you have to chat to them about Santa, The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.......then you'll be for it 👍

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 21:15

And I confess because he is a bit concerned about being separated from me, I told him that before he was born, there was a special cord that went between us that gave him food and oxygen. When he was born, that cord was cut, but it was replaced by an invisible cord that goes from my heart to his heart and vice versa- so even better than the umbilical cord because it goes two ways, and carries our love- and that no matter what happens, or where we go, in our bodies or in our spirits, we’ll always have that special heart connection.

This is so lovely!

OP posts:
BeardyButton · 29/01/2022 21:15

Right there with you. My father died recently. My son keeps asking about heaven.... will I go to heaven? Will he see me when he dies? I do the same! “Some people believe....”

What is the alternative? There’s no heaven kid? You ll never see your beloved grandad? I might be nxt and then you ll never see me either??

NutellaEllaElla · 29/01/2022 21:18

You could tell her that death feels the same as how it felt before she was born.