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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider telling 3 year old some people believe in Heaven even though I don’t?

59 replies

Lancssss · 29/01/2022 20:25

My 3 year old has become terrified of dying. She gets upset about it daily and is often awake for hours in the night and is distressed. It’s been happening for a couple of weeks.
We haven’t lost any family members, no one is ill, so I don’t know where it’s coming from. So far I’ve told her it won’t happen to any of us for a really, really, really long time. I’ve said that we’re going to have so many years of loads of fun with our family and friends. Nothing seems to be helping.
A family member has suggested I tell her that some people believe you go to Heaven when you die and to explain what Heaven is. Then also explain that some people believe we get reincarnated, so she might come back as a cat or something.
I am an Atheist and my older DC knows I am. Would I be unreasonable to tell her about Heaven etc to try to reassure her and comfort her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 21:18

@Mischance

When my OH died 2 years ago, the GC, then aged from 4 to 17 were very much in the loop with what was happening. He did not die suddenly and the children had seen him getting more helpless - and had been suitably intrigued by the catheter pipework!

He then went into a nursing home and they visited him there and watched him slowly fading away - I have a photo of some of them round his bed when he was unconscious - taken at their request. They held his hand and gave him hugs and so on.

I was particularly impressed by my 14 year old autistic GD who responded very caringly to his needs.

When he died it was not a shock to them - they all had been told this was where it was all leading. We talked about his atoms going "back to the stardust". All except the youngest two came to the funeral and burial and took this in their stride - the two littlest were brought to the wake and were there for several conversations about the death.

I do think that it helped that they were involved before and could see that it was just grandpa getting sleepier.

I hope that you can find the right way to reassure your DD. Certainly for ours the concept of the law of conservation of matter helped - expressed age-appropriately as the idea that our atoms never go away, they just go somewhere else and - who knows? - become something else.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Her older sibling is always talking about atoms etc so she’d probably like this explanation.

OP posts:
Barrawarra · 29/01/2022 21:26

I think this is a very normal developmental stage and she is younger than some for it, but it’s not unusual. I think the best you can do to comfort her is to accept and ‘be with’ her feelings. Saying things like ‘it’s scary/sad/upsetting thinking about this isn’t it’, and just letting her feel what she feels, but with your support. At a similar ages my eldest was similar and we talked about most people living until they were old, she wanted all the details and settled on the idea most people live until 100. Then she was very sad as she realised that we would die before she did, and said ‘I wish we could all die together’. I don’t know now at 6 if she’s dwelt on the knowledge that she or others could die younger, but at 3/4 it was that first realisations that people can die. My youngest at 3 will bandy around the words due and killed but I don’t think she really grasps what they mean.

Re the heaven, different beliefs, I think you can tell her what others believe but don’t think you should lie about your beliefs, so I think this could be unhelpful given you are atheist. She’s most likely to want to align with your beliefs at this age.

Barrawarra · 29/01/2022 21:27

Oh and further to pp comment there is a lovely book called ‘the invisible string’ you may want to look at.

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 21:27

@NutellaEllaElla

You could tell her that death feels the same as how it felt before she was born.
She’s funny about that as well. She asks where she was when I was a little girl for example and gets really upset when you say she hadn’t been born yet.
OP posts:
FloatyBoaty · 29/01/2022 21:59

@Barrawarra

Is it a book?! LOL I thought I was so original! Looking now!

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/01/2022 22:01

I can still remember my utter terror at realising some day my mother would die. I would have been about four.

It was entirely about being left alone, that those I needed wouldn't be there, that I'd somehow be on my own and I couldn't see how that would be possible and so it was very very scary. Its a big shock to realise that the security of your parents that you have assumed is complete, 100%, rock solid, never going to fail... actually might.

My mother told me she wouldn't die for a very very very long time and if we wanted we could have her stuffed like our stuffed Otter so she'd still be there, which i found pretty amusing but other kids might not.

We didn't get any heaven business as she was fiercely (nay, offensively) atheist but she did explain (probably multiple times over the years as I doubt I took this in straight away first time round)...

Everyone we know and love, who we talk with, spend time with, shares some part of themselves with us. That then shapes who we are, in effect a bit of them becomes part of us. So if they die... the bit of them that is part of us doesn't die, it carries on.

I think she came up with that as the first deaths I experienced were not of blood relatives but of our cat, and then two family friends who had been honorary uncle types, and so that one works better than trying to explain a blood link or umbilical link.

Ultimately I needed comfort and cuddles and time, I don't really think the words matter all that much, but some sort of reassurance does, and it shouldn't be a blatant lie or that will cause problems later on.

CorneliusBeefington · 29/01/2022 22:36

@TheCanyon

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.
Unless a person actually believes in it, surely?

My DS2 died just after he was born. We told my DS1, then just turned 4 that his brother was very poorly, his heart stopped beating and that he went to heaven to live with God and the angels to be a star in the sky. (We are religious, so it works for us.)

There was then a conversation about cremation (led by him) and your body becoming star dust, this was down to him discovering ds2s ashes.

We told him that when you love someone, even if they die, they are always in your heart, your love goes with them, and their love goes with you.

Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 23:15

@Barrawarra

I think this is a very normal developmental stage and she is younger than some for it, but it’s not unusual. I think the best you can do to comfort her is to accept and ‘be with’ her feelings. Saying things like ‘it’s scary/sad/upsetting thinking about this isn’t it’, and just letting her feel what she feels, but with your support. At a similar ages my eldest was similar and we talked about most people living until they were old, she wanted all the details and settled on the idea most people live until 100. Then she was very sad as she realised that we would die before she did, and said ‘I wish we could all die together’. I don’t know now at 6 if she’s dwelt on the knowledge that she or others could die younger, but at 3/4 it was that first realisations that people can die. My youngest at 3 will bandy around the words due and killed but I don’t think she really grasps what they mean.

Re the heaven, different beliefs, I think you can tell her what others believe but don’t think you should lie about your beliefs, so I think this could be unhelpful given you are atheist. She’s most likely to want to align with your beliefs at this age.

I did wonder if it would actually comfort her if I was saying some people believe this but I don’t. I definitely won’t be lying to her about what I believe and have always been honest with my eldest but he has never seemed upset about death at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lancssss · 29/01/2022 23:17

@CorneliusBeefington

I’m so sorry for your loss, life can really be cruel sometimes Flowers

I honestly feel quite jealous at times that some people have a comforting religious faith. I hope it does bring you comfort after such a sad loss.

OP posts:
Barrawarra · 30/01/2022 07:57

Haha @FloatyBoaty, sorry to weigh in with that then - but your words for your wee one do sound beautiful and original! But it is a lovely book which is helpful in a lot of situations, I tell the wee one that if she misses me when she’s in nursery she can tug on her invisible string and I will feel it and send some extra love along to her. She then likes to test it and send some extra love to see if I can feel it and we have a wee game with that which is very sweet!

ViceLikeBlip · 30/01/2022 07:59

I've always told my kids about what other people believe. I've even said to them that in my head I don't really believe in heaven, but in my heart I still hope it might be true.

CorneliusBeefington · 30/01/2022 08:05

[quote Lancssss]@CorneliusBeefington

I’m so sorry for your loss, life can really be cruel sometimes Flowers

I honestly feel quite jealous at times that some people have a comforting religious faith. I hope it does bring you comfort after such a sad loss.[/quote]
We've just cremated our third baby last week, so I'm not sure about being comforted by my faith at the moment. It's hard to feel peace when we're in this kind of deep, fresh grief again.

Thank you for your kind words Flowers

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 30/01/2022 08:09

Kids are so freaking weird, they seem to find the creepiest thing to be obsessed about and go with it. Like why is a 3 year old even thinking about death? Why did my 5 year old niece start saying there was a man with a large knife hanging about outside the house at night? (Multiple checks confirming this was not the case) Where do they get this stuff from?

OP, I would tell her that some people believe in heaven, it might give her some comfort. Good luck though! I'm dreading ds being old enough to start coming out with this stuff, I just know he is gonna be the kid telling me old women in victorian dress sit at the end of his bed at night Grin

Redglitter · 30/01/2022 18:20

Kids are so freaking weird, they seem to find the creepiest thing to be obsessed about and go with it

When my niece was about 4 my brother went to get her up for nursery & found her lying in bed, arns crossed over her chest, staring at the ceiling (creepy child 😂) he asked her what she was doing. 'Oh just thinking about dead people' she replied - as you do 🙄

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/01/2022 18:46

I’d always let young children believe a loved one has gone to heaven. They’ll make up their own minds later, same as I and so many of my generation did many decades ago.

TBH I thought it a bit cruel when a BiL died, and DSis (they were both staunch atheists) let their child of only just 7 think that was It, dead meant dead, nothing left at all.

My dds were only 8 and 11 when their much-loved Grandpa died, with a ditto GM only 6 months later. I had no problem with letting them think they’d gone to heaven, even though I don’t believe it.

PinkSyCo · 30/01/2022 18:49

Parents lie to their children about the existence of things that definitely aren’t true or Santa Claus, tooth fairy etc, so why not ‘lie’ about something that might be true? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Minionbums · 30/01/2022 18:57

I was going to say exactly the same thing @PinkSyCo. I read a book once set in a post apocalyptic world and all of the children were kept indoors in an old school, not allowed outside until they were old enough to know the truth. I found that quite striking, and it’s always been in the back of my head - I’m happy for my children to be comforted in any way and as they get older they will come to their own conclusions.

Severntrent · 30/01/2022 19:05

It's funny really that people are so reluctant to suggest there may be a heaven people's souls go to after death, but a bit of horseshit about an invisible string you can tug on to get some more love is all like 'oh that's a good idea, I'll say that....'

FloatyBoaty · 30/01/2022 19:26

You don’t lie about death and the existence of an afterlife, because when they realise there are no guarantees, it compounds the idea that it’s something to be afraid of, rather than a natural and inevitable part of life.

CorneliusBeefington · 30/01/2022 21:07

@FloatyBoaty

You don’t lie about death and the existence of an afterlife, because when they realise there are no guarantees, it compounds the idea that it’s something to be afraid of, rather than a natural and inevitable part of life.
Or that it's nothing to be afraid of because when your body dies, whatever happens next you either won't know about, or it will be pleasant and lovely.

That's death according to my 5yo anyway Grin

Seriouslymole · 30/01/2022 21:18

I am one of those rare beings - a Christian that doesn’t relish the thought of eternal life. It’s a juxtaposition.

For a PP whose DC didn’t like not being born -when my DD was tiny, she asked where she was before she was born, I totally floundered and my DS (then 4 and now 13 and totally agnostic in his views) said “God was making you” which I thought was adorable.

PP - I think it’s fine to advocate heaven. Many of us believe in it, some of us reluctantly. However, it may not help if it’s the separation that is the issue - in which case sometimes a “transition object” can help- a t-shirt or so of yours to take to bed so she feels connected to you.

Lostinafield · 30/01/2022 21:19

@NutellaEllaElla

You could tell her that death feels the same as how it felt before she was born.
I was told that when I was 4 or 6 and unfortunately the idea of that nothingness translated into a decades-long phobia of and obsession with my own death Sad
Lostinafield · 30/01/2022 21:19

5 or 6 I mean

Seriouslymole · 30/01/2022 21:22

@Lostinafield - see my post above and be comforted!

KKslidoff · 30/01/2022 21:24

@TheCanyon

I wouldn't entertain a heaven chat with a 3 year old no matter how 'comforting' it is. It's false, insincere and pretty manipulative.
Aye, so is Santa and the tooth fairy but there you go.

It's hard OP. My kids have been through fear of dying stages and I find it hard because as a family we have lost people who are young. I don't really know what I did to comfort them. We just had honest conversations. I asked them what they thought happened afterwards, told them what I thought and gave them lots of cuddles.

Has anyone at nursery lost anyone recently?