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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother.

58 replies

Nat90 · 29/01/2022 09:39

I will try not to make an essay of this….

So I’ve never had the best relationship with my mother, we didn’t get on in my teens and as I’ve become older I have found her very difficult.
She has never been there for me in any major life events e.g

  • When we bought our first house - she was absolutely raging that she didn’t get to see it before we made an offer on it
  • Trying my wedding dress on - “it will be nice on you once you loose a bit of weight”
  • Got too drunk at my wedding and told me to F off
  • When I was pregnant with my DD she made it very clear she didn’t want to be looking after her on a daily basis (which I totally understand it’s her life, it’s not her responsibility) but she has constantly phoned me asking when she can have her so I’m not sure what she wants ?

Her sentence starts with I’m not trying to be critical but….
I know I’m always in trouble when I hear that

I now have a 2 year old with another one on the way. I work part time and my husband works full time.

We asked my mum if she could babysit our DD last night so we could go to an evening wedding reception, as I wasn’t drinking and feel pretty tired anyway I knew it wouldn’t be a late one, we got back just before midnight My mum seemed to be in a very bad mood saying she had a long day and was shattered.

She has just called me this morning to say she accidentally broke a candle holder in the bathroom and while she was getting rid of the pieces of the floor - she noticed “lots of dust around the skirting boards” and that she didn’t want to be critical but she feels the house has “run away with me a little bit”
I used to be quite OCD with my cleaning but after having children it definitely becomes less of a priority. The house is cluttered I must admit it’s definitely not Instagram perfect. I try to hoover/steam clean floors/polish when I can.
I have just started a new job and have been very sick in this pregnancy so maybe it isn’t as clean as it normally is. I was planning on doing a big deep clean during maternity leave.

Im wondering why she’s called me at 8am in the
morning to tell me this while I’m about to do a 10 hour hospital shift and she has the weekend to herself and actually has the time to clean her house.
I feel so embarrassed she has said this to me and I’m actually very upset and angry about it. She doesn’t work and her house is always immaculate.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Holly60 · 29/01/2022 09:46

Ask her when she is coming over to help you out. No? Then stay out of it mother.

She sounds nasty. I would reduce your contact with her as much as you can.

loloballlolo · 29/01/2022 09:49

She doesn't sound very empathetic. Maybe you could suggest that you could do with a hand if she thinks your house isn't up to her standards, that you have enough on your plate already!

I think this is probably something that should be explored through professional counselling. It will help you understand your relationship much more clearly.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 29/01/2022 09:49

You should have said to her, why did you feel the need to call me at 8am to tell me this?

Have you ever asked her why she is always so negative and critical?

Think I’d go very lc with her

chaosrabbitland · 29/01/2022 09:51

of course her house is immaculate , shes got nowt to do except clean it all day
shes not exactly loving and supportive and id be reducing contact as much as possible , i certainly wouldnt be the one phoning her anymore

Pegasussnail · 29/01/2022 09:52

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. It started once I tried to become my own person. I remember doing my A Levels and couldn't study at home (noise and quiet chaotic) and she screamed I was smelling of vodka when I got home. She never rememberer to buy me sanitary products. I got what I needed from babysitting money.

Like you the wedding was spoilt with her behaviour. The speeches my father made were about her friends birthday. She went to a&e and turned up late to my hen due to constipation. On my honeymoon she rang and criticised me.

It's got worse and worse since. Weight comments. I'm mentally ill apparently.

Keep a distance. She wax spiteful to call you this morning. She obviously resented minding your child while you went out last night.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 09:53

See much less of her and never ask for another favour. I wouldn’t have her in the house if she thinks it’s such a shit hole.

Next time she starts with “I’m not trying to be critical…” I’d stop her there and say “that’s good, I don’t need any criticism so if you can’t be nice don’t bother.

Your child is young but as they grow they’ll see how she behaves towards you. No child needs to see their mum being picked at and criticised, it’s horrible. I’ve been there.

ElectraBlue · 29/01/2022 09:57

keep your distance, she sounds toxic...

MrsCremuel · 29/01/2022 09:59

She sounds horrible OP. Just to give you another perspective, my house is a tip (there’s a lot more than dust around the skirting boards!). I have a 2.5 yo and a baby and am on Mat leave and my mum gives me nothing but sympathy and tells me not to worry and enjoy the kids. You’re mums criticism is yet another manipulative attempt to keep you in her control. Laugh it off to her face, show her she has no power over you. My dad is sadly the same - critical of my weight, life choices (they’re pretty standard) and says I don’t make enough effort but then is never available etc etc. We are no contact now.

MrsCremuel · 29/01/2022 10:00

Awful punctuation mistakes there sorry - breastfeeding!

Porcupineintherough · 29/01/2022 10:02

I guess if you judge your own worth by the cleanliness of your house, then it must be quite disquieting when other people make other choices. Your life sounds busy and full, far to full to be worrying about a bit of dust. Hers sounds empty and sour.

I found with my mum and dad looking at them as adults rather than parents and trying to work out what made them tick really helped me in dealing with their more negative traits -my mum's martyrdom complex and devotion to duty is all rooted in shockingly low self esteem fi. You always find it's all about them not you.

Or you can just see less of her and not be so quick to pick up her phone calls.

littlebilliie · 29/01/2022 10:07

I think be polite and say the skirting boards aren't your priority at the moment.

SNUG2022 · 29/01/2022 10:11

She was jealous of your night out. You need some comebacks ready to go.

Original poster
Nat90 · 29/01/2022 10:13

@EnjoyingTheSilence

You should have said to her, why did you feel the need to call me at 8am to tell me this?

Have you ever asked her why she is always so negative and critical?

Think I’d go very lc with her

I know I’m so annoyed I didn’t say that - I was so shocked she was actually saying these things I had to hold my tongue.

She didn’t have the best relationship with her parents so I’m not sure if that’s had some kind of affect on her ?

She’s just texted me saying “If it helps you I can come round to clean your house on a weekly basis because it’s something I can do for you”

So basically she refuses to have my DD but she’s happy enough to come round to clean our house…

As nice of her to offer, I would much rather clean my own house in my own way and what would help me is if she takes my DD for the day so I can do that.

Not sure if I should message back with the above reply…

OP posts:
Nichola2310 · 29/01/2022 10:16

I personally wouldn't message back that you'd rather she take your daughter to let you clean.

I know my mum would prefer to clean than take my toddler as she finds him too difficult to handle.

Could she come round when your toddler is napping and you could clean together?

Regardless of what arrangement you make what she said to you is awful and she owes you an apology.

Original poster
Nat90 · 29/01/2022 10:17

@littlebilliie

I think be polite and say the skirting boards aren't your priority at the moment.
That’s exactly what my husband has said!
OP posts:
Juniper68 · 29/01/2022 10:17

6
Not sure I'd want her having any influence on my dcs?

Is there anyone else who can help? Do you have an OH?

ThreeLocusts · 29/01/2022 10:19

Sounds really difficult OP. No you're not overreacting. Dust round the skirting boards, really??? She's being ridiculous.

I'd be wary of accepting the offer of cleaning, it would allow her to snoop and find more subjects for petty criticism.

Perhaps be very direct, explain to her why her behaviour is hurtful and that therefore you'll keep your distance henceforth. If she really wants to help, she can do so by working on herself to start with.

CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 10:21

This.

CerealKiller22 · 29/01/2022 10:22

That was supposed to quote @ThreeLocusts post!

Pegasussnail · 29/01/2022 10:24

Do not ask her to mind your daughter so you can clean! Thafs giving her a lot of power.

Text her back and say 'mum I had such a good night last night I'm enjoying my morning here without worrying about skirting boards ..
How boring '

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 10:25

@Nat90
It's perfectly acceptable to prefer cleaning to childminding when the child isn't yours. You can be a loving grandparent and still hate looking after children.
You may not want her to clean but at least she's offered. If there's no danger of her snooping or rearranging stuff I'd bite her hand off.
Yes, you need to come up with something to say when she's critical but you have to accept that many GPs love their children and grandchildren but don't actually want to look after them.

And how much help is your DH domestically?

ThinWomansBrain · 29/01/2022 10:26

@chaosrabbitland

of course her house is immaculate , shes got nowt to do except clean it all day shes not exactly loving and supportive and id be reducing contact as much as possible , i certainly wouldnt be the one phoning her anymore
yes, go vey LC or NC with her - Not the point of the thread, but why the assumption above that because someon has a two year old GC, they have retired and don't work?
Frannibananni · 29/01/2022 10:28

I think I would have replied with - ok, is that all you called for? Thanks for babysitting last night I’ll check there is no glass left in the floor. bye. My mother (and her mother before her) are big fans of the passive aggressive bitchiness. I’ve learnt the only way to deal with her without it spinning and her being able to tell everyone I’m a bitch is to be a little vaguely blunt or passive aggressive myself 😔 then avoid her for a while.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2022 10:31

I'd be mad too, why say that, why not just give them a quick wipe for you if she noticed it. I'm sure most pregnant working women with a toddler have dusty skirting! However seeing your update I am thinking maybe she knows she has been out of order and is offering to clean out of guilt. Otherwise, due to her upbringing, maybe this is the only way she knows how to communicate and in some weird way thought she was being helpful? But combined with all the other things (telling you to f off on your wedding day) she just sounds like quite a difficult person and maybe you should distance yourself from her a bit, I cant see her not making more upsetting comments in the future

NeverAgainSam · 29/01/2022 10:40

One of my closest friends and I agree that lovely people don't judge or care about the cleanliness of skirting boards.

This says a lot about your mother.

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