Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My mother.

58 replies

Nat90 · 29/01/2022 09:39

I will try not to make an essay of this….

So I’ve never had the best relationship with my mother, we didn’t get on in my teens and as I’ve become older I have found her very difficult.
She has never been there for me in any major life events e.g

When we bought our first house - she was absolutely raging that she didn’t get to see it before we made an offer on it
Trying my wedding dress on - “it will be nice on you once you loose a bit of weight”
Got too drunk at my wedding and told me to F off
When I was pregnant with my DD she made it very clear she didn’t want to be looking after her on a daily basis (which I totally understand it’s her life, it’s not her responsibility) but she has constantly phoned me asking when she can have her so I’m not sure what she wants ?

Her sentence starts with I’m not trying to be critical but….
I know I’m always in trouble when I hear that

I now have a 2 year old with another one on the way. I work part time and my husband works full time.

We asked my mum if she could babysit our DD last night so we could go to an evening wedding reception, as I wasn’t drinking and feel pretty tired anyway I knew it wouldn’t be a late one, we got back just before midnight My mum seemed to be in a very bad mood saying she had a long day and was shattered.

She has just called me this morning to say she accidentally broke a candle holder in the bathroom and while she was getting rid of the pieces of the floor - she noticed “lots of dust around the skirting boards” and that she didn’t want to be critical but she feels the house has “run away with me a little bit”
I used to be quite OCD with my cleaning but after having children it definitely becomes less of a priority. The house is cluttered I must admit it’s definitely not Instagram perfect. I try to hoover/steam clean floors/polish when I can.
I have just started a new job and have been very sick in this pregnancy so maybe it isn’t as clean as it normally is. I was planning on doing a big deep clean during maternity leave.

Im wondering why she’s called me at 8am in the
morning to tell me this while I’m about to do a 10 hour hospital shift and she has the weekend to herself and actually has the time to clean her house.
I feel so embarrassed she has said this to me and I’m actually very upset and angry about it. She doesn’t work and her house is always immaculate.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 29/01/2022 14:09

OP, the behaviours you are describing sound very annoying, but most of them don't strike me as extreme, and you also strike me as quite easily triggered and hard to please.

You say she refuses to have your daughter, but clearly she doesn't as you also say she asks to see her, and she was taking care of her last night (you say it wasn't a late one but I'd say midnight is pretty late and you don't seem very appreciative of her doing this.)

I don't find her way of phrasing the cleaning concerns to be particularly judgemental or critical 'getting away from you a bit' is a very soft phrase and sounds reasonably accurate, based on your own description- yet you seem very triggered and annoyed by it.

Now she has offered to help with the cleaning, and you're not happy about that either, but throwing in the untrue dig that she refuses to take your dd.

I'm not saying you don't have an annoying mother. Most if us do. It's always a tricky relationship. But I think you are disproportionately triggered and have some resentments and insecurities around your mum that maybe also make it hard for her to get things right?

SirYawnsAlot · 29/01/2022 14:16

So knowing you had OCD she's trying to prick at you by complaining about dust.
If you let her into clean that will be opening the floodgates for her to find other things to critise. I'd just go low contact, she sounds manipulative.

Wingedharpy · 29/01/2022 14:28

@mumwon: Yes. Toilet paper is the culprit IMHO. Tear a piece off on a sunny day and you can see how much "dust" is dispersed.
@Astrak: Was your donkey housetrained?

Cakeandcardio · 29/01/2022 14:56

I'm quite sure you know a decent mum in this scenario would have wiped down the skirting boards to help you out and would never have mentioned it. Don't worry about your house - spending time with your kids is all that matters at this age. The kids will love you more for it and don't actually care about dusty skirting boards. Your mum sounds a right horror. Ignore her.

Astrak · 29/01/2022 15:15

@Wingedharpy. No he wasn't, but he never did anything untoward in the house. Unlike my mother-in-law, but that's another story . . .

Original poster

Nat90 · 29/01/2022 15:30

@BraveGoldie

OP, the behaviours you are describing sound very annoying, but most of them don't strike me as extreme, and you also strike me as quite easily triggered and hard to please.

Now she has offered to help with the cleaning, and you're not happy about that either, but throwing in the untrue dig that she refuses to take your dd.

I told her we would be back around 11/midnight which she was absolutely fine with.

I wouldn’t agree at all with your comments about me being “easily triggered and hard to please” she has been mentally exhausting my whole life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nat90 · 29/01/2022 15:34

Thank you to everyone for all your replies and advice. Sometimes having a fresh set of eyes on s situation really does help

OP posts:

wanttomarryamillionaire · 29/01/2022 16:39

Not going to lie, I would much rather clean than look after a toddler! I love my dgc to bits but babies and toddlers are just awful to look after. Maybe you should take her up on her offer, it may be the only way she can help.

Flip

1 2 3