My mother.

[Nat90]

I will try not to make an essay of this….

So I’ve never had the best relationship with my mother, we didn’t get on in my teens and as I’ve become older I have found her very difficult.
She has never been there for me in any major life events e.g

• When we bought our first house - she was absolutely raging that she didn’t get to see it before we made an offer on it
• Trying my wedding dress on - “it will be nice on you once you loose a bit of weight”
• Got too drunk at my wedding and told me to F off
• When I was pregnant with my DD she made it very clear she didn’t want to be looking after her on a daily basis (which I totally understand it’s her life, it’s not her responsibility) but she has constantly phoned me asking when she can have her so I’m not sure what she wants ?

Her sentence starts with I’m not trying to be critical but….
I know I’m always in trouble when I hear that

I now have a 2 year old with another one on the way. I work part time and my husband works full time.

We asked my mum if she could babysit our DD last night so we could go to an evening wedding reception, as I wasn’t drinking and feel pretty tired anyway I knew it wouldn’t be a late one, we got back just before midnight My mum seemed to be in a very bad mood saying she had a long day and was shattered.

She has just called me this morning to say she accidentally broke a candle holder in the bathroom and while she was getting rid of the pieces of the floor - she noticed “lots of dust around the skirting boards” and that she didn’t want to be critical but she feels the house has “run away with me a little bit”
I used to be quite OCD with my cleaning but after having children it definitely becomes less of a priority. The house is cluttered I must admit it’s definitely not Instagram perfect. I try to hoover/steam clean floors/polish when I can.
I have just started a new job and have been very sick in this pregnancy so maybe it isn’t as clean as it normally is. I was planning on doing a big deep clean during maternity leave.

Im wondering why she’s called me at 8am in the
morning to tell me this while I’m about to do a 10 hour hospital shift and she has the weekend to herself and actually has the time to clean her house.
I feel so embarrassed she has said this to me and I’m actually very upset and angry about it. She doesn’t work and her house is always immaculate.

Am I overreacting?

In her own way, she is trying to help you. You don';t welcome it - you want interaction with her on your OWN terms and help with childcare from her without any kind of critical input from her that you might fins offensive.
Unfortunately, with mothers and grown up daughters, there is always friction.
Take massive offence if you want to, but you will be cutting your nose off to spite your face. It won't change her.

This all sounds very familiar.

You need to grey rock her. Don’t even bother talking about priorities. Don’t justify anything or take any of her bait. Just reply with something neutral and boring. “Dust? Oh, I hadn’t noticed. Oh well.” And change the subject.

I would not allow her to clean your house.
She’ll just be annoyed if the following week something is messy again and then she’ll make comments on your standards.

She called at a time she knew you would be home and awake. Just before midnight is quite late, if in future you go use her for babysitting agree a time in advance? “Not a late one” means different things to different people.

Don’t accept her offer of cleaning, she will hold it over you. Can you afford a weekly cleaner?

My mum used to be critical about my housekeeping. I just used to repeat “I don’t care what others think, I only need to please myself in my own house”. I would say this over and over again.

Funny thing is the roles have reversed now, she’s not as houseproud as she was and really let’s things slip in her own house whereas I’m quite houseproud now. I was in her bathroom the other day and it was on the tip of my tongue to say it needed a good clean but I kept my gob shut and left it.

If it gets much worse I might ask her if she needs a hand getting rid of the mould etc!

If it's any consolation, you're not alone. My mother can be like this too. She had a critical mother too of course. She's just not a very happy person, very definitely a glass half empty kind. I think your mum maybe the same. She may not be aware she's like this at all. I have no advice to make it better other than be firmer, set your boundaries with her. Stand up for what you want more

Don’t say anything about the cleaning when you respond just be polite and thank her for babysitting. She’s being rude.

And don’t let her come in and clean, it’ll be held over your head terribly. She’ll be loving every moment.

Clean if you want to but don’t give her updates because she’ll know she’s gotten to you.

She wants to spend time with her grandchild, but not on a daily basis, surely that's normal?
She sees that you were once very house proud and it could do with a deep clean, so she is offering to help. She's actually not just criticizing is she?
I don't see that she is being awful here! Clearly, in the past you have had your issues, and I am not casting any doubt on that at all, but this doesn't seem to be the epitome of evil. Plus 8 o'clock in the morning, it's early, but older people often sleep less.

OP,

She sounds awful.

Keep her out of your house.

I wouldn't care what condition it was in I wouldn't have her in the house on her own.

Yours is not a happy, supportive relationship.

Step back from it.

She is a source of grief and sadness.

Step back.

Don't worry about your house.
Listen to your husband, he is correct.

Having someone so critical in your life is not good for your MH.

Step back and mind yourself.

Working long nursing shifts and bei g pregnant sounds hellish.

You mind yourself.

You sound like a great woman juggling all you do.

Did she apologise for breaking your candle holder??

My mum sounds similar to yours. She isn't maternal but her way of showing love is to do practical things. The way she said it's something that she can do is also showing she's not trying to take over but wants to help. I wouldn't think the worst, try to see if there's another angle. Mine would find it hard to show emotion and support and nothing will change that

(avoids checking skirting boards & I don't have young dc anymore)
Does anybody else find their bathroom gets really dusty? Mine does - I suspect its when dh trims his beard or because its the room where you are most likely to open the window)
FGS
Any reasonable person knowing your situation would have just wiped it & said nothing. She was deflecting from blame because she broke something -how old is she six??????

You are doing a difficult and demanding job, have a very young child and another on the way.
What can MIL offer that will help you without her actively or passively making you feel worse?
If nothing, I would suggest, as have others, going very low contact.
I had a MIL like yours. We had a pet donkey and she flipped out when she saw him lying in front of the fire with his front feet in the ashes.
Her usual conversations began with "I hate the countryside; it's just up one muddy lane and down another . . ." She came up from suburban London to visit, so she had a point.

By asking her for any help, you're giving her power over you. Have minimal contact and lessen the opportunities for her to belittle you.

Don't ask her for help, pull her up on her faults & tell her to f off.

When you read back your OP, do you not think that perhaps very low contact is the way to go? She sounds detrimental to your mental health .

And definitely say no the offer of cleaning once a week.

She sounds like hard work. You don't need in your life.
When BiL's ex wife had their second DS, I was over visiting and she was still recovering from her c section. The kitchen was messy (she was very houseproud) so I quietly went in and cleaned it up for her, and heated up my older nephews dinner. No comments, no talk, I just didn't want her panicking about it when she had a newborn and her own baby to prioritise. If your mum really cared she could have given it a clean and said no more.

Her own recovery that should say!

"Oh fuck off mum" is my usual response. If she's that bothered about the cleanliness she can get the cleaning gear from under the sink and sort it out.

I'd have asked her why she didn't clean the skirting boards while she was clearing up the glass.

I wonder if a pp is right in that the way that your DM shows love is with the offer of practical help. If it would be a help I would be tempted to accept her help of cleaning, if she can be trusted not to noisy around in your stuff, and just let her crack on.

I'd not ask for nor accept any 'favours' as they're actually quite costly just not monetarily. A babysitter is cheaper emotionally.

Of course she doesn't need to try to be critical it's effortless as she does it so much.

LC and grey rock all the way

We had a pet donkey and she flipped out when she saw him lying in front of the fire with his front feet in the ashes.

To be fair, that is not something you see every day!

Imo get a cleaner instead. Or your dm will be telling all and sundry you can't cope without her...

Sadly it's very unlikely she'll change and you can't influence her to. So, all you can change is your exposure to her behaviour, and your reaction to it.

Cut off all critical chat that you're able to, something up thread essentially suggested "my home, my rules" and I agree with that.

Think about what's right for you and your children. It's far more likely to be doing fun things together rather than cleaning the darned skirting boards.

It's not easy to do, but it's worth trying.

Cut her off. She's trying to make a point and bring you down a peg or 2, clearly doesn't like seeing you enjoying yourself or happy so wants to knock your confidence.