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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn't think DS should have a day in

87 replies

pairsinparis · 29/01/2022 07:13

We have two DS, 4 and 2. We live ten min walk from a brilliant city centre with lots going on all of the time. Both DS go to a childminders four days a week, catch a short bus there with DH, and picked up by me in the evening.

Weekends we always have plans, DH wfh and likes to get out at weekends- day trips, going into city centre, National trust, sea side, swimming etc .

Today four year old asked he can stay in today, DH said no, we have plans to go to a museum this morning, lunch booked, an an open top bus tour thing this afternoon.

DS asked if he can have a day in tomorrow, DH said no, he good to go out and build ds 'adventurous spirit' and that ds is hard work if he stays in the house all day.

I personally think it's fine to listen to ds, he's tired, fancies a morning in pjs and a day just chilling. Who ibu?

OP posts:

HomeHomeInTheRange · 29/01/2022 09:40

YANBU.

When does he play with his Lego?

Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 09:44

My ex was like this. Always on the go. Couldn’t sit still. Every weekend including Sundays he was out of the house. Was bored just chilling on an occasional weekend. I was an adult and it exhausted me. So I can only imagine how a 4 yr old would feel. However my DD would love it as she hates staying in so I guess it would depend on the kid.

LatteLady · 29/01/2022 09:46

I always remember my sister's boss driving his son to football camp during the Summer Hols. As they were driving there, he turned to his father and said, "Daddy, when do I get my holiday?"

Just like you, children need down time too and the space to unwind. It is lovely that you are doing lots with your children but it might be nicer for them to dial it down a notch.

fellrunner85 · 29/01/2022 09:51

Hmm. I get not wanting to do activities every day (it's expensive for starters) but staying in for an entire day would make me - and the kids - pretty frustrated.

We like a bit of down time, but for us a lazy day means a local walk or bike ride, or playing outside - not literally sitting inside on our bums all day. Several hours of lego, or baking, or crafts, is more than enough; we need some physical activity on the other half of the day to balance it out.

I know lots will disagree but I don't think it's particularly healthy for young kids to sit indoors all day without any exercise. Building into them from a young age that physical activity is normal - not "chilling" in pyjamas all day - will make them fitter and healthier in the long run. I would find it bizarre if a 4-year-old asked to stay in all day, tbh.

If I were you I'd compromise with DH. Can he not take them swimming or climbing or bike riding or something in the morning and then have some lazy family time at home in the afternoon?

Kdubs1981 · 29/01/2022 09:55

He needs a rest. I'm very impressed he has the ability to recognise this in himself. You should most definitely not override this. As parents it's your job to help him recognise and manage his needs and look after himself. Know when to stop etc. how many adults donee know who can't do this?!

Children have so little control over their lives, he's telling you loud and clear what he needs. You can always pop out to park later if he gets antsy.

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2022 09:55

Downtime is really important. My kids fill hours with playing with soft toys and Lego and cushions and blankets and animals and blocks. That’s so well articulated from your 4yo, it is quite sad that he just had his dad say no don’t be silly what you want doesn’t count.

blowingagail · 29/01/2022 10:00

My XH was like this OP, we had to be 'doing something' at all times.

These days we live a fairly relaxed life without him but his 'doing something' mantra continues, it doesn't work with teenagers who resist visiting him half the time which is a shame.

So, I am definitely in the having a quiet day at home camp. I work from home too, my teen doesn't though and needs a break.

Obviously older, but today includes a nice breakfast, revision, doing a yoga session together (which involves more giggling than calm), DD making some sort of biscuits and watching film of her choice.

We won't be leaving the house but it feels like a busy enough day for me!

sweetbellyhigh · 29/01/2022 10:01

Aw your children have very busy lives. It's a bit sad that they have to plead for downtime.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 10:02

@fellrunner85 there is absolutely no need for anyone to be outside every single day if that's not what they want.

This child is FOUR and is already feeling overwhelmed because he's being made to be out and active/busy every single day - that's so sad to me.

I'm glad you enjoy being active but inflicting your choices on other people isn't fair. Yes, children should be active and should get plenty of exercise but that doesn't have to involve being outdoors everyday.

Equally, you can have days indoors or at home that don't involve "sitting in your bum all day" (I can feel your judgement from here ).

Days at home can mean playing in the garden, dancing to music, baking, puzzles, imaginary play, making up stories and yes, sitting in your bum sometimes too

blowingagail · 29/01/2022 10:05

fellrunner85, I agree with fairylights, absolutely nothing wrong with spending a whole day at home. Agree that you come across as judgy!

charliebear78 · 29/01/2022 10:34

I am the same as your Husband and I suspect my own Husband gets a bit fed up of my need to be out doing something every weekend.
I would love it if mine actually planned some activities for us to do, It is always left to me.
However we do have days were we just go for a dogwalk and cafe lunch-the rest of the day is time for household jobs/playing/watching tv etc...
As long as I get out doing something for a part of the day I am ok-It would be my idea of hell to stay in all day so I can see your Husbands point of view.
Maybe compromise by having one day to go and do lots and the other day more relaxed with only half of it spent out.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 10:39

I feel really sorry for your DS.

It’s fine to have a day lounging around in your PJs and watching movies. You need a relaxing day to recharge your batteries.

I always try and have a relaxing day every Sunday - we take the dogs out in the morning, put a nice lunch on like a roast, do some baking, play with toys, have an early bath and put PJs on and wind down early ready for school the next day.

I don’t get the obsession with having planned activities, not only must it be ridiculously expensive and takes away the experience of special activities, but it also means your child will grow up and not be able to entertain themselves.

They need to learn to play by themselves - even if that’s just with blankets and cardboard boxes.
children have an incredible imagination for a reason.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 10:40

This child is FOUR and is already feeling overwhelmed because he's being made to be out and active/busy every single day - that's so sad to me.

I agree.

Most 4 year olds don’t stop - for him to be saying he’s tired and overwhelmed is a massive thing.
Your DH needs to listen.

northumberlandavenue · 29/01/2022 10:53

I think he should be dressed and not lounging around in PJs, but I think a day at home is reasonable.

lilyfire · 29/01/2022 10:58

My kids are all teens now and one is an adult. We did lots of exciting trips and things when they were younger. The one day they all really talk about and look back on fondly though is when we all had a cold and spent an entire day on the sofa watching the Sarah Jane Adventures.

BrambleRoses · 29/01/2022 11:04

DS is hard work if he is in all day

I think that’s reasonable, to be honest.

RosiePosieDozy · 29/01/2022 11:10

All those activities sound quite intense for every weekend. Being at home sometimes and relaxing is good for children, like it's good for us. There's so much that they can do at home. Relax in pjs and watch a film. Have a nice lunch together. Then crafts, drawing, writing, play dough, board games, play in the garden etc etc.

waterrat · 29/01/2022 11:21

I'm more like your Dp I find it really depressing staying in. I also find the kids get bored quickly despite saying at first thst they want to stay home. However at 4 he is little and must find his week tiring so I would definitely be OK with one day chilling.

LadyPropane · 29/01/2022 11:24

I'm all for rounding up the kids and getting them out and about at the weekends, but the days that your DH plans sound very full on. I really couldn't be arsed with that sort of thing every weekend.

Chely · 29/01/2022 11:24

DH is being unreasonable. If he has cabin fever he can go off and do his own thing, kids need a chill out day occasionally.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/01/2022 11:27

Good grief DS is only 4! He doesn't have the stamina of an adult man. Let him have his day in.

DoctorManhattan · 29/01/2022 11:54

Like everything in life - it’s fine if all done in moderation.

Nothing wrong with healthy outdoors activities and building kids sense of adventure and knowledge by visiting different places, but that needs to be offset by also giving them quiet days and time to do activities at home - colouring, reading, hobbies, even just toys. At 4yrs old your son absolutely needs this.

We like days out with our son but it’s also nice just to have a sofa day and watch some movies.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/01/2022 12:03

I have to say I am naturally like your DH. I am pretty phobic about staying in doing nothing for hours on end: it makes me want the climb the walls and I don't think children vegging on screens as a default is great.

But I do think there's a place for unstructured downtime sometimes and if you feel your kids are being run ragged and are struggling with it you should try to seek a compromise.

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 12:13

Like everything in life - it’s fine if all done in moderation.

We like days out with our son but it’s also nice just to have a sofa day and watch some movies.

Absolutely this!

My DD gets crafty things and Lego for Christmas so we always spend time doing these.

I think having these days at home not only helps you recharge but also makes the days when you do structured activities extra special.

Play is so important.
In schools they have structured lessons but their playtime is unstructured for a reason, as this is their downtime where they can just play.

tinkywinkyshandbag · 29/01/2022 12:22

Poor boy! Time at home to chill and play is a necessary part of their development. I think DH wants to do this for his own benefit not your sons.

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