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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Can’t work out if it’s me or him …

55 replies

shouldntbeonhereagain · 28/01/2022 18:22

Quick summary. Husband wfh full time 9- 5. I am sahm. No help. Children are 9,7,5 and 2. We live rurally, so drive 8 miles to school and we have a dog, 2 cats and garden to look after. I obviously do all day in week with 2 year old / all school runs grocery shopping/ meal planning / packed lunches/ cook kids meals /all laundry / homework/ clubs drop off /play dates/ dog walking /gardening grass cutting etc /majority of cleaning and sorting (with exception of loading dishwasher and he cleans his shower). He does get little one dressed and helps with picking stuff up from supermarket and cooks some of adult meals. I am genuinely curious to see if it’s me being a bitch or if this seems fair ? I realise I am fortunate to stay at home, but since wfh, I feel increasingly resentful. I have started doing exercise both on my own (running / hit etc) and walking long distances with the pushchair. This is mostly to get out as I feel I have no time of my own. AIBU that he should be more proactive domestically? He does a lot with money manage and car etc. Would really like to sound out opinion good or bad ! Thanks.

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 28/01/2022 18:28

but since wfh, I feel increasingly resentful
Why? What difference does it make where he is working? Is it the gained commute time?

In between school runs, you should still get four hours in for housework. Surely you are just making dinner in an evening?

What happens at the weekend?

RedskyThisNight · 28/01/2022 18:32

Does he share responsibilities in evenings and weekends?

Fallagain · 28/01/2022 18:33

@TracyMosby

but since wfh, I feel increasingly resentful Why? What difference does it make where he is working? Is it the gained commute time?

In between school runs, you should still get four hours in for housework. Surely you are just making dinner in an evening?

What happens at the weekend?

Is she supposed to ignore the 2 year old and do housework all day?

OP you need to focus on the amount of time off you both get. What happens on a evening and bedtimes - do you do it all?

EnoughOf · 28/01/2022 18:36

Sounds fair and about normal for 'stay at home' but I don't think it would be unfair to have some time to your self on the weekend if you wanted to meet up with a friend or something else on the weekend. If he can't help on the weekend you need to look at a babysitter to give you much needed break from childcare, it's exhausting.

Original poster
shouldntbeonhereagain · 28/01/2022 19:05

Thanks for your reply. Yes , I think it’s the fact he doesn’t commute or travel abroad anymore. So, we all get up at 7, but I do breakfast and get kids ready before the run to school. He has a shower and starts work at 9.
You are right, i do have some time for housework but I have a dog walk to do as well as the 2 year old who doesn’t sleep in the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldntbeonhereagain · 28/01/2022 19:07

He does help in the evenings with cooking. Weekends are sort of the issue I guess. It just feels like it’s me planning and directing everything for everyone. He usually does something if I ask… but I have to ask ! I know he needs downtime, but it’s relentless !

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldntbeonhereagain · 28/01/2022 19:09

I do homework and bath/ bedtimes and he often cooks for us. I just feel like he ‘helps” if you know what I mean. It’s not joint responsibility. Thanks for your supportive point about the 2 year old ! He is actually quite demanding.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 28/01/2022 19:12

He should be pitching in of a morning and doing slightly more. Whose idea was it to get the dog and does he do bedtime?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/01/2022 19:14

If he does things when you ask him, why not ask him to do things? Ask him to set breakfast out every morning (my DH does this each night before we go to bed, our the bowls, cereals out). Think of other specific things you’d like him to do during the week, bathtime, homework with them etc.

Weekend, definitely he should be doing half the tasks. Agree a split of responsibilities, remind him for the first few weekends if he forgets and then he should be trained into doing them.

CharlotteRose90 · 28/01/2022 19:14

Sounds about normal for a stay at home. You have the one to look after so like most mums I know they have nap time and stuff so the mums do it then. Obviously if he’s not working at the weekend I’d expect help then .

Original poster
shouldntbeonhereagain · 28/01/2022 19:15

We got two dogs before kids. One left!

OP posts:
IrishMama2015 · 28/01/2022 19:15

OP if he starts work at 9 at home he should be helping until he starts. That's what I do at home. I WFH 5 days 8-4.30 and OH works outside home 9-6. I get up and dress 1 DC and myself while OH dresses himself and other DC, I make lunches while OH makes breakfasts, he gets them fed and drops them off while I'm working. Then we both do a house task each every lunchtime eg shop or cook, then I pick kids up from childminder and do homework and supper. Once he is home it's back to 50/50.

Ponoka7 · 28/01/2022 19:15

X post. So he should now do part of the mornings and bath/bedtimes/homework. You should both have downtime, if possible, but with four children that can be difficult. Life outside of work is running the house and children. Mums do it, it's men who expect to check out because they work.

Darbs76 · 28/01/2022 19:16

I’d say it’a quite fair when one parent stays at home.

IrishMama2015 · 28/01/2022 19:18

You should consider your work day as the same hours as his. So you single handedly run household and kids while he works. The rest of the time you are both 'off the clock' of your jobs and split everything 50/50

SmellyWellyWoo · 28/01/2022 19:27

4 kids, 2 dogs and a cat makes me feel exhausted just reading it! 🥱😮‍💨 And you live rurally! Not sure how you cope with all that!

Bluetrews25 · 28/01/2022 19:34

What would happen if you got a full time job out of the home?
Would you still have to do everything? Would you get any down time?
Currently it sounds like you are doing way, way more than 37.5h per week. Is that fair? And you sound to be carrying most of the mental load. He should not have to be told/asked to do things. He should be able to see that things need doing and he should do them. Does he want to be micromanaged? Likely he would complain if this happened at work, but he is quite happy to let it happen at home. Interesting, the sceptic in me is saying 'learned helplessness'.

Chamomileteaplease · 28/01/2022 19:36

Yes it's all about fair leisure time.

It also sounds to me like he needs to pull his weight more in the evenings. If he did far more bedtimes I am sure you would feel a huge relief Smile.

After 5pm it should be equal.

Bethany7 · 28/01/2022 19:44

It's hard to do much around the house with a 2 year old. You are a mum of 4. I think you are doing an amazing job. I do think your husband could do a little more.
As my husband always says if I'm feeling overwhelmed; ' I only need to ask!
It's annoying too but sometimes they do just need to be politely told what else needs doing!
Good luck

JumperJump · 28/01/2022 19:45

He works 9-5 at work. Outside these times, and including weekends, he works at home doing gardening, cleaning, looking after kids, cooking, washing etc. four kids and a house like that is a lot of work.

I would think he is very lazy if he’s not able to at least manage an hour of housework/kids stuff most mornings during the week, and the same after work. He definitely should not be chilling out in the evenings or nights during the week while leaving most things to you. And on weekends it’s all hands on deck for everyone.

Franklyfrost · 28/01/2022 19:50

Ideally you’d work the same hours as him during the week and get the house work done in that time. Given there’s a two year old with you he can help out with the cooking. Weekends you share the work load.

LIZS · 28/01/2022 19:50

Does he watch 2 yo while you do the school run in the mornings? During the working day he could dogwalk or watch dc while you go out or take a break , maybe feeding lunch but that relies on flexibility which his work may not have.

SeasonFinale · 28/01/2022 19:55

Have you actually mentioned this to him? Is there scope for him to do some chore before he starts at 9am while you are on the school run?

Wotsitsits · 28/01/2022 20:00

Wow I feel exhausted just reading that. I don't know how you can stand it. IMO cqhildcare is childcare, not chores time. If you're doing childcare while he's at work then the chores need splitting between you both when he's off work. If you put kids in childcare then while he's at work you're doing chores.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/01/2022 20:09

I think you need to split all work so that you get equal leisure time

But work, I mean paid work, house chores, cooking, organising stuff like paying bills and sorting insurance and booking holidays, and definitely looking after a 2 year old is work.

How much time for yourself / hobbies / relaxation do each of you have over a week? He needs downtime but so do you and it should be roughly the same