AIBU Can’t work out if it’s me or him …

[shouldntbeonhereagain]

Quick summary. Husband wfh full time 9- 5. I am sahm. No help. Children are 9,7,5 and 2. We live rurally, so drive 8 miles to school and we have a dog, 2 cats and garden to look after. I obviously do all day in week with 2 year old / all school runs grocery shopping/ meal planning / packed lunches/ cook kids meals /all laundry / homework/ clubs drop off /play dates/ dog walking /gardening grass cutting etc /majority of cleaning and sorting (with exception of loading dishwasher and he cleans his shower). He does get little one dressed and helps with picking stuff up from supermarket and cooks some of adult meals. I am genuinely curious to see if it’s me being a bitch or if this seems fair ? I realise I am fortunate to stay at home, but since wfh, I feel increasingly resentful. I have started doing exercise both on my own (running / hit etc) and walking long distances with the pushchair. This is mostly to get out as I feel I have no time of my own. AIBU that he should be more proactive domestically? He does a lot with money manage and car etc. Would really like to sound out opinion good or bad ! Thanks.

I think its quiet fair when one parent stays at home

I love how you’ve listed every single chore including looking after 2 cats. 🤣 Tbh I don’t see that you’re busier than most other mums. Your DH dresses the one child who can’t do it for them self in the morning, he does the dishwasher and takes his turn with the cooking. What else would you like him to do on a work day? I do think he definitely should be mucking in more at the weekend though, without needing to be told.

So basically he has even more time for himself (like in the morning when he could be involved in getting the dcs ready, prepare breakfast etc..) whilst you are still doing it all.

Same with the weekends even though he is now at home rather than travelling etc…so could organise but it’s still your job.

He has breaks and down time, you don’t.

I’d say take your time off. Tell him, don’t ask.
Leave him with all the dcs for the day and go out.

Review with him and explain you need time off too. And that he needs to step into his parenting role. He has no reason to not be heavily involved anymore.

Also it’s not because your are a SAHM that you should everything and he should do nothing. For the obvious reason that otherwise you have no down time and carry all the effort whilst he does nothing. Not fair.

I would certainly expect him to be involved with bedtimes. Why would this be just your job? Also things should be split on the weekends.

9-5 wfh isn't actually that long a work day, and he could easily pitch in before and after. With 4 kids there's plenty to do outside his working hours.

My DH used to wfh (before covid times) and I used to HATE him for not helping with dc and house more during the day.

It got better when he worked out of home.

It may not be what you want to hear but it’s because he’s in the house you expect home to help more but he’s meant to be working.

For me a good guideline has been

• during working hours, DH works, I look after dcs, clean the house as much as I can etc…. My work was to look after dc as a priority (so what you would expect a CM to do)
• outside working hours, anything that needs doing is 50/50. So that’s everything else from booking holidays, planning a weekend, finishing to wash clothes, do the shopping and whatever else needs to be done.

I’m not expecting a SAHM to look after dcs AND do all the cleaning, housework etc…
And be ‘at work’ aka responsible for it all 24/7 with no break/hols.

Look, you decided to have four children. What was it about that decision that made you think you'd have time for yourself? No one made you have them did they?

DIL does that, in her case 4 kids, 5 horses 3 dogs, and a workaholic husband - totally committed, has a good MIL which helps. Hubby does provide enough cash, otherwise goes with the flow.

It works for her, the kids are well ordered and she takes everything in her stride, I had 4 myself in similar situation except I had a full time career too, it was OK until the kids left home then a big gap.

I think no matter what your life is going to feel hectic. 4 kids, school runs, pets, a 2 year old... makes me tired just thinking about it!

I'll also add- DP and I both work full time and have more down time than you. We only have two kids granted but we also split everything else down the middle.

I can understand your resentment that you shoulder all the responsibility for the home. I wonder is he resentful that he shoulders all the financial responsibility?

I accept that 4 children will mean very little downtime. All I want is an equal share of it with their Father.

Who looked after the children when you were at work full time ? Just out of interest.

How much downtime does your DH have?

It’s hard to measure. He doesn’t go out much. He runs a few times a week. Makes phone calls. That’s it really. It’s more that when we are all in the house , he’s on his phone or just sitting about. I feel i am always thinking of what needs to be done / doing it where as he just waits to be told. As I write these, I feel maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe we are just both very busy with kids and work?

Possibly. I managed the budget for our build recently, but he does do all bills normally. I take your point.

Is this new behaviour from him in the past two years? Did he help out more with the first two? If not, why did you have more kids with him knowing he doesn't pitch in enough. Did you really thing he'd change?

He had a different job when we had our first 2. A lot of travel and long long hours and commute. Consequently, it wouldn’t have been feasible for him to do or at home. Now though, I am only concerned with a fair balance within actual possibilities. I have never /would never expect him to do more than that.

@StanleyGreen

Look, you decided to have four children. What was it about that decision that made you think you'd have time for yourself? No one made you have them did they?

Did she have 4 children all by herself then? Or did their dad play a part in that?

9-5 he works at his job, you work at home.
All of the rest of the time should be shared responsibility for the home & children along with equal free time.

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

I can understand your resentment that you shoulder all the responsibility for the home. I wonder is he resentful that he shoulders all the financial responsibility?

She is saving him a fortune in childcare fees by looking after his children and home while he works. She pays her way in free labour.

It sounds like he got used to you doing everything while he was working away.

Have you talked to him about it?

Have a look at this OP. It explains a lot (then show it to DH).

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

@Voice0fReason. I 100% agree with you. Me and DH had a similar system. He worked to provide for us and I was a SAHM. It worked very well for us but there is no doubt that sometimes the pressure of being the sole earner was as big a burden in him as being a 24/7 carer was on me.

He should be taking the dog for its runs before and after work or he will get incredibly unfit.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

It sounds like he got used to you doing everything while he was working away.

Have you talked to him about it?

This really. Obviously I know your situation can't change but this is one of the many reasons I had one child and returned to work 3 days a week. I get home at 4.30, collect toddler. DH finishes at 5 and there is an unspoken recognition that we have both either been at work or had DS all day, so he will manage child while I do a bit of housework. I'm not expected to do both just because I earn less.

Essentially I don't think work is more tiring than looking after the needs of 4 children. Both are draining. So there should be times he takes all 4 off you on weekends for example otherwise you're mentally "on" 7 days a week.