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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Miserable on our anniversary

65 replies

GreenEyedPeas · 28/01/2022 18:09

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Today is my 10 year anniversary with DH, it's also DH's friend's (Jack) birthday. DH is going to be Best Man at his Jack's wedding in a couple of months. Tomorrow DH, Jack and the other male wedding party members (the Groomsmen, Fathers of the Couple etc) are going to get their suits tailored. This was all arranged about six months ago. The suit place is around four hours from where we live so Jack invited DH to spend the night at Jack's parents (where Jack is celebrating his birthday) near to the suit place. DH asked if I was ok with this, given it's our anniversary, and I said I was.

I'm now 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm really sick. I have hyperemesis and have been in and out of hospital for the last eight weeks. I exclusively get out of bed to pee. I haven't showered in six weeks, my hair is so matted I can't brush it at all and will probably have to shave it off. I'm so dehydrated that I pee once a day, and it's physically exhausting - I have to crawl to the bathroom and I have to take a bowl with me because I can't get there or back without throwing up from the exertion. I'm really light-headed all the time, everything hurts. People who've had hyperemesis will know what I mean. DH has been bringing me all my food and drink in bed, but he works full-time and leaves early in the morning so he's leaving snacks by my bedside and brings a meal in the evening. I'm throwing up blood because I've torn my oesophagus, my abs hurt like hell from retching and my teeth are destroyed from the acid. In the last eight weeks, I have only been outside for medical appointments - I haven't been to a shop, done the nursery drop off, etc. I haven't washed a single dish, or put the laundry on, nothing. DH has done everything, credit to him (even though he doesn't do it my way haha). Even just the effort from sitting up causes me to retch and vomit. I've lost over 10kg.

I really hoped DH would stay with me tonight. I know I gave him "permission" to spend our anniversary with his friend but that was before I was pregnant and before I knew I would be like this. He did ask me if I'd be ok with him going a few days ago, I said I didn't know what to do because I couldn't look after our DS in this state. He then spoke to my DM and she's agreed to take our DS from tonight until Sunday. Today, he asked how I am and I said I didn't know how I'd cope without him, he asked "are you telling me not to go?" and I said "I don't want to have to tell you".

I know IABU because I said he could go, he asked if I was telling him to stay etc but I just feel so miserable spending my 10 year anniversary all alone and feeling rubbish. I guess I'm looking for a hand hold more than anything else.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 28/01/2022 18:15

It's rough for you Flowers

But remember that he's doing everything, and will keep doing everything, and has arranged for someone to care for you whilst he goes off for a couple of days for an event that's been in his diary for a long time and involves people who also matter to him.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 28/01/2022 18:20

I think the OP is on her own, @RoseAndRose. Her mum is looking after the other child.

YADNBU. He should be looking after your. I hope your illness abates soon, OP - you sound so, so ill.

Hagpie · 28/01/2022 18:23

Why would he have to be told that things are different now?? Selfish selfish selfish. And to those that think he should get away with it “because he does everything” I would ask how is it different if he was a big boy living on his own? I’m fuming for you OP.

Ionlydomassiveones · 28/01/2022 18:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WhyYesYABU · 28/01/2022 18:25

I totally get it, I had hyperemesis. But I would also not hold this against him. He's been doing the load of two adults instead of one so I would forgive him a weekend off. But equally you need to eat...is there no one who can stop in a couple of times?

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 28/01/2022 18:25

Gosh, that sounds dreadful, I’m really sorry. And a
Happy anniversary.

This is a difficult one. It sounds like your DH has been extremely supportive and doing all he can. To have arranged for your DC to be looked after as well.

I don’t know - I kind of think he deserves to have the night away. Being the one caring for someone so ill and dependent on them is hard going.

Flowers
DSGR · 28/01/2022 18:28

I’d also let him go. You are having a horrible time but he sounds like a lovely, attentive husband who has been doing everything. He’s arranged childcare so you don’t have to look after DS. Let him have a break too, it’s one night.
I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. If you’re that dehydrated and can’t shower are you sure you don’t need to be in hospital?

Newschapter · 28/01/2022 18:29

@GreenEyedPeas are you sure you shouldn't be in a hospital bed?

I also had hyperemisis and spent weeks on a drip in hospital.

Have you any of the dip tests to see what your ketones are like?

Honestly, I'm not being flippant, you sound much, much worse than I was and they had me on a drip as soon as I arrived at hospital (doctor sent me after a urine test)

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 18:29

Shouldn't you be in hospital?

Theluggage15 · 28/01/2022 18:29

Why can’t your DM stay at yours?

Newschapter · 28/01/2022 18:30

I know you say you've been in hospital, but why aren't you still there?

Theluggage15 · 28/01/2022 18:31

And yes, you sound very ill, you should be in hospital surely?

BeanUiTayto · 28/01/2022 18:32

Em, how are you going to get food and water while he's gone? You aren't being precious, he should be at home with a tangle teezer helping you sort your poor hair and generally looking after you. There's a time in every relationship where one person has to carry the load and this is his

CousinKrispy · 28/01/2022 18:33

Oh my goodness this sounds miserable for you all, I'm so sorry.

It really sounds as though you shouldn't be left on your own, but your H probably needs a break. People who are helping a loved one who is seriously ill are under a lot of stress themselves, and his own physical and mental health will be supported by getting a break. It's bad luck that it coincides with your anniversary, but that's just a date TBH--hopefully you will have many more to celebrate under far better circumstances in the future!

Have you got no one else who could come spend a night or two with you and help out? Could your DM come and stay, or a friend or another family member spend a night?

tkwal · 28/01/2022 18:33

I would suggest that you need to be in hospital, if only to get rehydrated and some proper rest. No simple answer to your dilemma I'm afraid. One of you will resent the other, for a short time at least

Onthefloor2 · 28/01/2022 18:33

It sounds shit for you, but don’t be disheartened. He probably needs a break and a nights out.

Ye it would have been nice for him to stay, but that doesn’t show you how much he loves and cares for you, I think it’s clear to see he loves and cares for you very much as he is capable of taking on the load for 2, and 8 weeks is a very long time. (Not your fault, but I think credit is where it’s due) if the role was reversed I’d say you deserve a break away too.

Aprilx · 28/01/2022 18:34

He sounds like a decent man who is doing his best. I think that he should be able to go away, it is a pretty good reason and one weekend in nine months, it is not like he is taking the piss.

I wonder if your mum could stay with you rather than just take your child? I was also wondering if you should be in hospital anyway.

Intothelight123 · 28/01/2022 18:37

You should be in hospital if you're that ill!

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2022 18:37

At the very least your mum should stay (I'd be too worried not to) but I really think you should be in hospital

user1471462115 · 28/01/2022 18:37

You really need to be in hospital on a drip
Please call 111 for proper assessment

Pallisers · 28/01/2022 18:38

the anniversary wouldn't bother me in the slightest. But you sound very very ill to be on your own. Can your mum stay with you?

NerrSnerr · 28/01/2022 18:38

Have you spoken to the GP about this recently. I was hospitalised for dehydration when pregnant and I don't think I was as poorly as you. I'd call out of hours this evening.

Kite22 · 28/01/2022 18:39

Forget the anniversary, that has nothing to do with this. From what you have described it sounds like you should be getting hospital care.

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/01/2022 18:42

If you’re that ill op you should be in hospital. Call 111 and get yourself sorted.

Ohya · 28/01/2022 18:42

I had hyperemesis last year and was bedridden for 7 weeks. I know what you mean. It's difficult without someone around to help you. Any chance another relative can come and stay with you and you let him go? What I realised is that they're also greatly affected and the break might just give me the boost he needs to continue looking after you and doing everything else.