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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Miserable on our anniversary

65 replies

GreenEyedPeas · 28/01/2022 18:09

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Today is my 10 year anniversary with DH, it's also DH's friend's (Jack) birthday. DH is going to be Best Man at his Jack's wedding in a couple of months. Tomorrow DH, Jack and the other male wedding party members (the Groomsmen, Fathers of the Couple etc) are going to get their suits tailored. This was all arranged about six months ago. The suit place is around four hours from where we live so Jack invited DH to spend the night at Jack's parents (where Jack is celebrating his birthday) near to the suit place. DH asked if I was ok with this, given it's our anniversary, and I said I was.

I'm now 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm really sick. I have hyperemesis and have been in and out of hospital for the last eight weeks. I exclusively get out of bed to pee. I haven't showered in six weeks, my hair is so matted I can't brush it at all and will probably have to shave it off. I'm so dehydrated that I pee once a day, and it's physically exhausting - I have to crawl to the bathroom and I have to take a bowl with me because I can't get there or back without throwing up from the exertion. I'm really light-headed all the time, everything hurts. People who've had hyperemesis will know what I mean. DH has been bringing me all my food and drink in bed, but he works full-time and leaves early in the morning so he's leaving snacks by my bedside and brings a meal in the evening. I'm throwing up blood because I've torn my oesophagus, my abs hurt like hell from retching and my teeth are destroyed from the acid. In the last eight weeks, I have only been outside for medical appointments - I haven't been to a shop, done the nursery drop off, etc. I haven't washed a single dish, or put the laundry on, nothing. DH has done everything, credit to him (even though he doesn't do it my way haha). Even just the effort from sitting up causes me to retch and vomit. I've lost over 10kg.

I really hoped DH would stay with me tonight. I know I gave him "permission" to spend our anniversary with his friend but that was before I was pregnant and before I knew I would be like this. He did ask me if I'd be ok with him going a few days ago, I said I didn't know what to do because I couldn't look after our DS in this state. He then spoke to my DM and she's agreed to take our DS from tonight until Sunday. Today, he asked how I am and I said I didn't know how I'd cope without him, he asked "are you telling me not to go?" and I said "I don't want to have to tell you".

I know IABU because I said he could go, he asked if I was telling him to stay etc but I just feel so miserable spending my 10 year anniversary all alone and feeling rubbish. I guess I'm looking for a hand hold more than anything else.

OP posts:
Mooster62 · 28/01/2022 18:44

I would also let him go. He has been doing everything he can to help and has arranged childcare. Apart from bringing you food he can't stop you feeling so bad. I would call the doctor or 111 for advice if you are that bad...you should be on a drip.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2022 18:46

I think it sounds like you should be in hospital too Sad

Chamomileteaplease · 28/01/2022 18:49

The thing is, your dh will come back so refreshed and will hopefully always remember that you were happy for him to go and let his hair down during your tough times.

I am not one to say wow well done when the man is just doing his fair share but it does sound like your husband is being pretty amazing at the moment.

I agree that you need to get checked out further though, presumably you have medical people aware of your situation?

You are a team, and it's bad timing but I would definitely encourage him to go. You could move your anniversary to another date this year and maybe dh could try to sort your hair out as your treat Smile.

Fatmax22 · 28/01/2022 18:49

You shouldn't be left alone. I also wonder if you should be in hospital! I know you wanted him to work it out for himself, but sometimes you just need to say what you mean. If he hasn't gone he definitely needs to stay at home and you need to tell him - now!
Then ring 111 because this sounds too bad for you to be at home to me.

RoseAndRose · 28/01/2022 18:57

@Theluggage15

Why can’t your DM stay at yours?
That's what I had assumed she was doing - looking after both of them.

If it isn't, can she be persuaded to make it so?

Barring the time OP's been in hospital he's been doing thus for 8 weeks straight. And will be doing it indefinitely onwards.

Carers need to have a break. It's not selfish, it's absolutely necessary

Foxglovers · 28/01/2022 18:58

YANBU! He should be looking after you. I get he was looking forward to it but expect there’s things your missing (even just living a normal life!!!) I don’t think he should go

Merryoldgoat · 28/01/2022 19:02

You should be in hospital if you haven’t showered in 6 weeks. That’s not normal even with severe hyperemesis.

Mamamamasaurus · 28/01/2022 19:07

I have every sympathy but if you're in such a state that you can't shower and will likely need to shave your head, you need to be in hospital on a drip and not typing out a very long post on MN. If you're so ill that sitting up makes you vomit, you're not well enough to be at home, quite frankly.

Peeing once a day signifies massive dehydration and I'd be more concerned about your kidneys and less about a suit fitting - seek medical help if you're actually as ill as you've typed here, in your very long OP.

Cryalot2 · 28/01/2022 19:15

Had this too with 2nd child years ago and it was awful Flowers.

Check with your gp/midwife as you sound as though you still should be in hospital.

Hoping you feel better v soon .

AutumnLeaves21 · 28/01/2022 19:18

Jesus OP. You haven’t showered for six weeks?? You need to be in a hospital bed. Peeing once a day! Truly you sound like you’re at deaths door. Your husband (who sounds lovely) is the least of your problems. Go to your local EPAU now you sound very ill.

AutumnLeaves21 · 28/01/2022 19:18

@Mamamamasaurus agreed on all counts!!

HelloFrostyMorning · 28/01/2022 19:19

@user1471462115

You really need to be in hospital on a drip Please call 111 for proper assessment
What THIS poster said (and a few others...)

If you're THIS bad @GreenEyedPeas you should be in hospital. You sound like you're very VERY ill. Flowers

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 28/01/2022 19:20

I agree with the others, at the level of illness you describe you need to be in hospital Flowers

HelloFrostyMorning · 28/01/2022 19:21

@AutumnLeaves21

Jesus OP. You haven’t showered for six weeks?? You need to be in a hospital bed. Peeing once a day! Truly you sound like you’re at deaths door. Your husband (who sounds lovely) is the least of your problems. Go to your local EPAU now you sound very ill.
Yep this. ^

Ring 999 @GreenEyedPeas NOT 101. Get in the emergency room. (A & E.)

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2022 19:21

Strongly agree you should be in hospital. And if not then your mum comes to you to care for you and DS. She can give you a bed bath and sort out your hair when DS is asleep.

Stop worrying about the anniversary, I know 10 years is a big deal but focus on the more immediate issues.

He’s checked he can go and I think he should. You have back up care and should probably be in hospital anyway with your mum caring for DS.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2022 19:23

It definitely sounds like you’re seriously unwell and should be in hospital

Also your husband should have cancelled this trip weeks ago. He’s very selfish

HelloFrostyMorning · 28/01/2022 19:23

@Mamamamasaurus

I have every sympathy but if you're in such a state that you can't shower and will likely need to shave your head, you need to be in hospital on a drip and not typing out a very long post on MN. If you're so ill that sitting up makes you vomit, you're not well enough to be at home, quite frankly.

Peeing once a day signifies massive dehydration and I'd be more concerned about your kidneys and less about a suit fitting - seek medical help if you're actually as ill as you've typed here, in your very long OP.

It's not a VERY long OP! Confused
5keletor · 28/01/2022 19:25

Agree if you're that ill, you should be in hospital. Peeing once a day, not being able to shower in 6 weeks and vomiting blood is not normal, even with hyperemesis.

GooodMythicalMorning · 28/01/2022 19:29

I had hyperemesis twice and agree, it does sound like you should be in hosp lovely. Hope you feel better soon.

Mamamamasaurus · 28/01/2022 19:32

Given how the OP states that she hasn't left the house, made a meal, washed any clothes, brushed her hair or showered for 8 weeks - it IS a long OP.

ForeverSingle881 · 28/01/2022 19:33

You need to be in hospital. Now. I don't understand how you haven't gone back to hospital yet, you need to be on a drip for your sake and the baby's

Anna10309 · 28/01/2022 19:41

Stop being a martyr. You should have told your husband not to go instead of trying to test him. And you should definitely be in hospital.

Josette77 · 28/01/2022 19:44

If you are that ill you need to be in the hospital! Not showering for 6 weeks isn't normal nor is peeing only once a day. Something is very wrong. Please get help.

AutumnLeaves21 · 28/01/2022 19:45

@Mamamamasaurus agreed-a very long op for someone who literally cannot stand up so crawls to the bathroom.

Mistymoors · 28/01/2022 20:30

If you’re as sick as you state your main priority should be seeking medical care . Six weeks without showering is definitely not normal, I had awful sickness with my first but I still managed to shower .

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