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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - do you ever regret a second child?

58 replies

Thatwassurreal · 28/01/2022 11:35

I’m totally on the fence about having a second child. Some days it’s all I can think about and some days I feel like I’ll never have the strength to do it all over again. My mind wanders and I think I have one happy healthy DD and shouldn’t wish for more. What if there were complications etc

Is this normal? I would hate to go for it and wish I hadn’t but then also would hate to regret not going for it. I guess maybe I’ll have regrets either way.

People say things like you only regret the children you don’t have.

YABU - of course you never regret a child
YANBU - I have regretted having more children

OP posts:
SomePosters · 28/01/2022 11:37

I know lots of people who regretted extra children.
The responded to their biological urge without asking themselves how many humans they could actually form a life long commitment too and wound up permanently stretched too thin.

One of the many reasons I am one and done

yaboreme · 28/01/2022 11:42

I have this debate with myself nearly every day!

I would love a sibling for my DS, but I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't think I would cope that well. I also see people with more than one and although i know they love them they struggle on a daily basis and don't have the time to give one on one for the each child.

It's such a difficult decision for anyone to help you make, but if you are even questioning yourself that's probably your answer.

Forgetaboutme · 28/01/2022 11:48

I remember when my youngest was very little I would sometimes think about how much easier it used to be when I just had the one child. Worrying my older son was missing out on stuff we couldn't all do as a family because the youngest was too little.

Fast forwarded some years and i haven't thought like that in a long time. My two kids are so different and I love that about them. I can't imagine not having my youngest. My life would be so boring right now with just the eldest because he's reached an age where he is out and about all the time. I am happy with ny decision to have a second child and am now wishing I had one more a couple of years ago.

Flumpywoo · 28/01/2022 11:59

I had this dilemma 3 years ago after trying for over a year for a second, then had a change of heart on wanting another. I never really wanted to do it a second time as I found the baby stage very hard, but always wanted two children so just felt like it was something that had to be done. But something changed and I realised how my life was getting easier and I don't think I could cope with another. I'm a worrier and it would just tip me over the edge. She is 7 now and as much as she occasionally asks for a sibling and I have pangs of guilt at times, I am relieved to just have one. It was better when in lockdown for sure, with only one to homeschool, although I felt guilty she had no-one to play with. We have a lovely relationship and she is like my mini best friend. I hope it stays that way!

Some people do just have a bit of fear and will be absolutely fine with a second, you just get used to it, so I'm not saying don't do it at all. But for me personally I feel it was the right decision. I like a bit of peace and quiet and more freedom etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life and there were lots of tears!

Pbbananabagel · 28/01/2022 12:02

In hindsight, I might have waited slightly longer as my eldest was not quite 2 when my youngest was born and I wasn’t prepared for how much I missed focusing on just him. It was a bigger adjustment than I expected and is taking a lot out of myself and my husband. But now that baby is starting to crawl, seeing the bond that they have already is just amazing. They adore each other and they will never be alone. They will always have someone just like them with shared experiences and memories to carry them through into adulthood. I don’t regret it for a second.

sofiathe2nd · 28/01/2022 12:04

Yes, I love my youngest to bits but if I could have my life over again I wouldn't have a second child. I really miss our life as a family of 3 and the lack of freedom that having 2 children brings.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 28/01/2022 12:09

How old is your DD op?

I have no regrets but I struggled with miscarriages before DD1 and then DD2 arrived just less than 15 months later and I was just so grateful to not have miscarried I didn’t consider much else.

The small age gap meant they can pretty much do everything together, have similar interests and DD2 picks things up more quickly from seeing her sister do them.

Would things have been easier with just one? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I have friends with just one and they do seem to have to spend a lot more time being a friend as well as a parent but I’m lucky my two get on and happily play together.

Flippanty · 28/01/2022 12:13

I felt like this when I just had one and couldn’t decide, then as time went on started to think dc would be far better suited to being an only child. We had our lives back, we decided we were happy as we were but dc2 (happy accident) is the best thing that’s ever happened to us, kids love each other to bits! I feel like we’re better parents too as we had got a bit complacent with only one. Obviously every family is different but for me there’s been absolutely no regret. Sometimes I feel a bit nostalgic but I think I would anyway just because dc1 is getting so much bigger and we don’t get to spend as much time together. Dc1 tells me all the time how much they love having a younger sibling which is reassuring!

Stompythedinosaur · 28/01/2022 12:13

Of course some people regret having more dc.

If you are on the fence, I would say don't do it! Same as I'd say if someone was on the fence about having a first dc. I had a second because I really, really wanted one, and even then it was hard at times.

LadyCleathStuart · 28/01/2022 12:16

I didn't even though no.2 was a nightmare baby and her arrival had a massive impact on our lives, no 'slotting in' as everyone told me!

However we have spent the last year or so discussing the possibility of no.3 and have arrives at the agreement that it would be just too much for us, even though I would love another.

FilthyforFirth · 28/01/2022 12:19

I have often felt regret about my 2nd but and it is a big but

  1. I suffer from HG and doing it a second time during a pandemic tested me severely.
  2. I have been diagnosed with pnd. My 2nd baby has been very high needs compared to my first and lockdown hasnt helped.

I dont like the baby stage, unlike a lot of others, I wanted two children, not more babies. So I am pushing through safe in the knowledge that I do love my baby and once he is a bit more independent I am going to love life as a 4.

Xmassprout · 28/01/2022 12:22

Sometimes. Both children have been bad sleepers. I haven't had a full night's sleep in 5 years. I'm with the children during the day, work in the evenings and then get broken sleep at night.

If sleep wasn't an issue I don't think I would have any regrets. I think I would still wish for more time for myself, but not actual regret

Xyzzzzz · 28/01/2022 12:32

Yes. I wish I left a bigger gap. I have a two year gap and wish I waited. I’m finding it hard to share my time

Therealrealitystar · 28/01/2022 12:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OfstedOffred · 28/01/2022 12:34

I haven't regretted DC2 ever for a moment, they are a joy and the perfect addition to our family.

But I'm sure I know people who do at times. I think they don't regret the child, I think they regret the decision, and that's very different

Opus17 · 28/01/2022 12:39

I know people who have regretted having more children and people who haven't. It really just depends on so many factors. You just don't know what your next child will bring.
My DS had a tough start with cmpa and nonstop screaming for his first 14 weeks. It was bloody awful. I will dread the baby stage if I were to have another. DS is 18 months and a dream now - doesn't tantrum (yet anyway 😅), really laid back, rarely cries. And I could picture having two right now. But thinking of the baby stage, it's enough to make me say no. Hence why I'm still on the fence too.

HardbackWriter · 28/01/2022 12:45

I can't pick either option because I don't personally regret DC2, but I think that of course it's possible to. I'm pretty certain I'd regret a third (which is why I'm not having one) - I feel completely done and at capacity. If I'd felt like that after one I'd have stopped there; I don't think there's any obligation to 'give' your child a sibling and I think the evidence is pretty mixed on whether or not it's a gift (and will depend on lots of things you can't know in advance).

1940s · 28/01/2022 12:45

If I was making a decision 100% based on my needs I'd stop at one. I have a wonderfully independent child and have so many freedoms back. My child and I can travel / eat out / stay up late and break routine if needed and the relentless hard work of looking after a baby has finished.

However. Like most life decisions I put my child at the heart of and I'd truly regret not giving them a chance of having a sibling relationship. It's not guaranteed they'll be best friends for life I'm not naive. But My sibling has bought great comfort / stability to my life and I will provide that for my first born.

It's a very unpopular MN decision as it's often quoted you have a child for the yearn of loving and wanting a child without any conditions. However I am having a second one with the main focus on providing a sibling.

Original poster
Thatwassurreal · 28/01/2022 14:41

These comments are all really helpful.
My Dd is currently 18months and I’m 34.
I had PND and found the baby stage beyond hard.

I really relate to the poster that said that wanted 2 children but not 2 babies. I often think if someone could hand me a 6 month old I could just about manage.

I guess whenever you have a baby you spin a roulette wheel with your physical and mental health and also the baby’s health.

I also relate to the poster that said about people responding to their biological urge but not considering the lifelong commitment to raising humans (not just babies). It’s all so tricky to make sense of and I do feel time pressure because of my age.

Thank you for your balanced and kind comments. It is helping me process ❤️

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 28/01/2022 15:16

See the lifelong commitment to another human being I get and am all for. I would honestly love a big family with 3 or 4 children. My first was a dream but the baby stage was even hard with him at times. Once he reached two or so I just loved it and still do now. My baby is 14 months so things are improving and I can see the fog lifting. I am back to work and he is in nursery so I can cope much better. You could not pay me a million pounds to go back to the baby stage again. So much so I got sterilised!

But I am glad, just, that I went through it all to have him now I am coming out the other side.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hillarious · 28/01/2022 15:17

My 2nd and 3rd just suddenly seemed to appear. With three under three and a half years, it was difficult initially, but the sacrifices I made financially, in my life and my career have been totally worth it for the sibling relationship they have.

I don't envy the only child taking on caring responsibilities for elderly parents.

itsgoodtobehome · 28/01/2022 15:20

Just from my own experience, I know of more people that have regretted having more than one, than those that have regretted stopping at one. As in, I don't know anyone that regrets only having one, but I know several that regret having more than one.

UserBotTrending · 28/01/2022 15:21

I regret my second child. I was bullied in to it by an abusive x. It made it harder to leave him. I did in the end but then I had one of each sex with meant I needed a 3 bed place. It also meant I needed to earn enough to cover childcare for TWO! My earning potential was only about the same as a childminder then. My DC2 wasn't an easy child either. If I'd just had DC1 everything would have been so much easier and he wouldn't have existed so I wouldn't miss him. Dc1 & dc2 fight a lot and one of the reasons I allowed myself to be manipulated in to a second child was in the mistaken belief that it was for the benefit of the first.

Things have been difficult for the last 16 years! Well, not every single solitary minute has been hard. But you know...... Financially, practically, emotionally it's all been more challenging.

legalquestion1234 · 28/01/2022 15:22

I spent the first 8 months of DC2 regretting it. 2 year age gap and fuck me, it was hard.

It's easier now DC2 is 18 months and there are wonderful bits, of course I love them etc etc. But yes there are not infrequent moments of regret

absolutelyknackeredcow · 28/01/2022 15:27

My second child is the biggest joy I have ever had. I am actually glad that I didn't wait because if I had my eldest got v tricky around 2 (before my youngest was born ) and now at 11 is having an ASD assessment.

My youngest absolutely feeds my soul. My eldest is lovely and is very loved but hard given likely ASD.

The youngest could have done with sleeping though Smile