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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - do you ever regret a second child?

58 replies

Thatwassurreal · 28/01/2022 11:35

I’m totally on the fence about having a second child. Some days it’s all I can think about and some days I feel like I’ll never have the strength to do it all over again. My mind wanders and I think I have one happy healthy DD and shouldn’t wish for more. What if there were complications etc

Is this normal? I would hate to go for it and wish I hadn’t but then also would hate to regret not going for it. I guess maybe I’ll have regrets either way.

People say things like you only regret the children you don’t have.

YABU - of course you never regret a child
YANBU - I have regretted having more children

OP posts:
Hillarious · 28/01/2022 16:05

Reading through some of these comments makes me realise how lucky I am. I could never imagine regretting any of my three children and the joy they bring to the family. I can't say I was desperate to have children, and I can't remember when we decided to have a family, so possibly my expectations of motherhood had a very low (verging on non-existent) bar! Number two came along at the time we moved to a new city, knowing no-one there, so my entire social circle came through contacts made via the children.

onedayoranother · 28/01/2022 16:21

No. I have two and two stepsons who lived with us until 18 (15 year gap between first two and second two).
I couldn't imagine not having my daughter. My son is great and of course I love him but my daughter is much more like me. I sometimes wonder if I'd had a girl first would I have had another (my husband wanted a girl after having boys and having five brothers , I was over 40 when I had kids and have type 1 diabetes). But I think I always would have wanted a sibling, and as it was knew that I was likely to have another son but was delighted it was a girl second time round.
I have seen parents struggle more with having a third, not so much with two, though I do believe having two is four times the work of one!

foreverandalways · 28/01/2022 16:23

I had 2 very close in age then my third 2 years later...would have only had one time over

ArialAnna · 28/01/2022 16:36

Under a two year gap between my two and I've never regretted having a second (though there are moments I regret having kids at all!! if you see what I mean). I'm not saying it was easy, but I found going from 1 to 2 much less traumatic than going from 0 to 1. I'm also not a fan of the early baby stage, and see it as something to 'get through' rather than enjoy, but second time around I knew it wasn't for ever.

Having two makes things logistically tricker, especially at those times when you are parenting alone, but in some ways it's easier, as they entertain each other. At the moment, they are happily playing PJ Masks together. If my youngest wasn't there, my eldest would want me to play and I hate imaginative play! (Don't get me wrong, I'll happily read together, play a board game or build lego with him, but role playing with action figures just leaves me cold! Grin)

onesweetlife · 28/01/2022 16:38

I didnt vote because I haven't regretted having more than one child, but I do think some people have regrets and wish they'd stopped at none/one/two etc.

Whatafustercluck · 28/01/2022 16:42

I've often said that if I'd had my youngest first, I wouldn't have had another.

But that's not the same a regretting having another. I can't imagine life, or our family, without her - however much she's challenged us all in her 5 years!

trunktoes · 28/01/2022 16:44

absolutely not - I would never want to have just the one - it was such hard work!!

GinF1zz · 28/01/2022 16:46

No. Although I wasn't on the fence about having 2. It was tough at times in the early days but I've largely forgotten that now that they're older. They fight like anything which drives me insane but are good company for each other too, which I suppose is typical for siblings!

Obviously this shouldn't be a consideration and let's hope we never go back there, but in the strictest lockdowns having the two of them was a godsend in terms of the company they provided for each other.

RedToothBrush · 28/01/2022 16:52

Friends of mine had one and wanted two. Very much wanted. They love him to bits. But do regret having a second. He was diagnosed with a life long illness, which means their lives and the life of their older daughter revolve around hospital appointments. They can't leave him and they cant travel far. The whole situation is just shit. He is doing well but its traumatic for them to see him unwell or in pain and obviously its not a lot of fun for their son. It also has a massive effect on the life they had mapped out for their daughter. Its really not the dream they thought they were signed up for.

The little boy is loved to the moon and back but yeah, they regret that life really hasn't served them a good deck of cards. At times i believe its threatened their marriage and going through everything has cost them their mental well being.

Maybe in time things will improve but yeah they've expressed regret, particularly at moments when they've felt at rock bottom.

The dad has said that he wished he'd thought more about the possibility that a second child might have a health problem, before they made the decision to have a second because he lost his 'perfect' life and everything became so much more complicated.

I only wanted one but i occasionally have a wobble. I just have to look around and siblings that do not get on and my friends situation to think 'why take that gamble?' We are happy and grateful for what we have and id rather be that. You can't miss what you don't have.

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 28/01/2022 17:42

As an only child and mother of two I have zero regrets (though sometimes think longingly with rose tinted glasses about how simple life was with none!)
My second has actually been a much harder child but it’s so much easier second time around and you’re already in the swing of it. They love each other to pieces. Though I know two is my limit 100%, we can give two the time, attention, love and financial security that would be harder than three.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 28/01/2022 17:47

Never...love my 2nd to bits,he's so loving and caring,much more so than the 1st!
4 years between them,kept each other company growing up on holidays,Christmas etc,so glad we had another.

mishmased · 28/01/2022 17:48

I don't regret any of mine thankfully. I had two with a 30 month gap and when they were 5.5 and 8 had a third baby.
My first was a tough baby due to having eczema, reflux, allergies and undiagnosed tongue tie. A friend asked if second was planned when I told her about being pregnant with second.
We decided on number two quickly because I felt if we left it to over two years I will not want to have another. Being an only child I never wanted to have just one. I don't enjoy the baby phase until just about age 1 which was why we waited to see if I really wanted another. This baby has made me enjoy having a baby again and hopefully we're getting through the tough baby stages. I love seeing them playing with each other and the baby and after I had the third I just felt complete. So maybe you don't want to have another.

neverbeenskiing · 28/01/2022 17:58

I have definitely had moments of regret...maybe sometimes more than a moment, but there are also moments of joy watching the two of them together. I found going from one to two incredibly hard. All that stuff about how second DC are easy and just slot in...ha! Our second DC didn't sleep and has suspected SEN so it hasn't been easy. I also had PND with my second which came as a shock as I didn't have it first time around. Youngest is 3.5 now and it feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life would definitely be much easier if we'd stopped at one but would I make a different choice if I could turn back the clock? Probably depends which day you ask me to be honest.

leavingthispoohole · 28/01/2022 18:26

Very happily one and done! Having 2 looks like absolute carnage. I love the freedom having one gives me (shes 2 years old). I like money and lie ins and i also like being able to work full time. Shes a wonderful addition to our family but i just couldnt imagine adding another one, feel like i have hit the jackpot already!

Devo1818 · 28/01/2022 18:34

Never. But I never doubted I wanted one either.

Original poster
Thatwassurreal · 28/01/2022 18:36

Wow blown away by all these responses. It is so good to hear all your experiences.

My heart says have another, dd would love a sibling, you might not have PND again, the baby stage is short etc

My head is saying stop at one. What if there are complications for me and the baby, a million what ifs that would disrupt our happy trio.

I think I am also hesitant as 2 close friends have had big issues (baby needing kidney transplant and another friends baby had a stroke). It has planted a massive seed of what if.

It’s almost like if I look to the future I can easily imagine lots of children sitting round the dinner table, big family christmases, but the thought of another newborn is a bit terrifying.

I really appreciate all your responses. It certainly gives me a lot to consider x

OP posts:
SapphosRock · 29/01/2022 11:40

I was in exactly the same boat as you OP. Had one DD and we were a happy unit of 3. Was on the fence for ages about having another.

Truthfully, knowing what I know now, I would have stuck with one child. Had a terrible pregnancy, lockdown baby, postnatal anxiety. I love him to bits and he's a good boy but fuck me the toddler stage is hard. Teething. Constant illness. Sleepless nights, waking up night after night. They currently share a room so we will have to move.

We have no family support, that makes a big difference. With one child you get a break every time they have a play date, not so with two.

With one child I managed to hold down a decent job and built a good career. That's all gone out the window now, I'm too exhausted.

I wouldn't be without him though! And I'm hoping it gets easier.

UserBotTrending · 29/01/2022 11:47

I think a lot of living situations, bank balances, careers, relationships and social circles can survive one child but not two. I literally had to relocate and start again when I left my x with two DC.

I know I'm supposed to say I love him so much how could I ever say I regret having had a second child but although he was an adorable child, he was harder work than dc1, he had some issues. After relocating and starting again in a new location and going for 18 milestone checks in a new country, they thought he had autism and we were instantly flung in to assessment process for that. Now, he's 15 and he refuses to go to school. It affects my relationship with DC1 who can't understand why I don't just give up on Dc2, obviously you can't do that, when the child is here you have to do your best for them even if it causes your DC1 to lose some attention.

DontWantTheRivalry · 29/01/2022 11:47

I can’t click YABUor YANBU because of course some people regret having a second whereas others won’t regret it.

Sadly though, the way you feel only comes with hindsight once the second baby has arrived.

It’s a risk that a woman has to choose to take.

My DH didn’t want a second whereas I was desperate for one and it took about 12 months of me asking him before he agreed to TTC#2.

Neither of us have ever regretted it, it was the best thing we did for us as a family and also the best thing we did for our first child.

I imagine the risk of regretting a second child is much more likely if a woman is on the fence about having one in the first place, so it’s a hard decision to make.

UserBotTrending · 29/01/2022 11:50

Honestly honestly I do sometimes briefly ''run a tape'' in my head where I only had the one dc, where I got away from my abusive x earlier, where I could get back in to the workplace younger, with just the one child, where I got a place for just two of us sooner, and it was more affordable. This doesn't matter to me now, I'm at peace with being single but perhaps I would have either met somebody new if I hadn't had so much responsibility and so little freedom. Perhaps I'd have a wider circle of friends. I'm 51 and I feel like I made a few bad choices. That doesn't mean I don't love dc2. But you can just have this other tape in your head where you have the awareness of the easier life you could have had, with less responsibility, more money, more time to nurture relationships and friendships ....

hangrylady · 29/01/2022 12:28

No and I don't know anybody who does.

Caterina99 · 29/01/2022 15:18

With a 2 year age gap and a challenging toddler and sleep avoiding baby there were definitely dark early days, where I was jealous of friends with just one child. But now (age 6 and 4) I genuinely can’t imagine our life without DC2, she absolutely is a joy.

However there’s no way I’m going for DC3. Lots of friends have 3 and sometimes I do daydream about another baby, but I just know I can’t do it all again. And like you say, I have 2 healthy kids, I’m not rolling the dice a third time.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/01/2022 15:27

I suspect most of the people saying they do regret having one of their children probably wasn't going from 1 to 2. 1 to 2 is not too much more work, especially if they do mostly the same clubs, and the kids are natual playmates for each other.

cptartapp · 29/01/2022 15:28

Never, despite having no urge for a second. Now 19 and 16 and watching the sibling relationship grow and develop and share family experiences has been the single best part of parenting.

UserBotTrending · 29/01/2022 17:23

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

I suspect most of the people saying they do regret having one of their children probably wasn't going from 1 to 2. 1 to 2 is not too much more work, especially if they do mostly the same clubs, and the kids are natual playmates for each other.
i went from 1 to 2.

The reason I regret it is it made my life SO MUCH HARDER

Love isn't enough.