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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in planning to give my child my surname as the father has done eff all.

35 replies

belstaff · 29/12/2007 12:32

i dont mind him being on the birth certificate but why should my child bear his surname when all he has been is a waste of time. am i cutting myself off legally to child support rights etc if i dont give the child his surname, and if i put the father down on the register does it automatically take his surname?

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 29/12/2007 12:34

No. My niece's father is on the birth certificate but she still has my sister's surname.

holidaywonk · 29/12/2007 12:37

There is no legal requirement AT ALL for you to give your child his/her father's name. You are entitled to name your child exactly as you please. It has nothing at all to do with CSA money or anything else.

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 12:38

No, a lot of people do that.

WanderingHolly · 29/12/2007 12:40

If you are going to be a single parent, life will be much simpler if your child(ren) have the same surname as the parent they live with - I'm just thinking about schools and doctors really.

You can give your dc a surname that is neither yours nor your ex's, I think.

Your dc change their surname to his after they are 18, if they so choose. A friend of mine did this.

Blu · 29/12/2007 12:42

The only thing I would say is try and do it with a positive heart - "this is my baby, I am his / her parent and she / he will be living with me so we will share my name" rather than as an aact of revenge on the father. Your baby is not a bartering tool. Though I am of course outraged on your behalf that the father has been unsupportive

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 12:51

Does the father want your dc to have his surname?

I would definitely name him on the birth certificate. Your dc has a right to know who his/her dad is. Depending how much you want him and his family involved in your dc's life later on, I might consider giving the baby his surname as a middle name i.e. Jack Smith Thompson or whatever.

Original poster

belstaff · 29/12/2007 12:59

yes he wants the expected child to have his surname, but also has said he doesnt want to marry and if we split up he doesnt want to financially look after me but will the child. i feel i need some kind of financial grip over him, we've lived together 4 years. the only reason id give my dc his surname is if it entitled me to more rights.

OP posts:

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 13:04

This doesn't sound great. How upsetting for you. It would be nice to have someone properly on your side with a baby on the way and the thought you were planning to go ahead through thick or thin together. Great to be told all this I'd imagine. He wants it very easy and all his way huh? Wonderful.

I'm sorry I don't know your legal rights etc. Could you speak to some advisory office who could make that clear for you? Not sure since I'm overseas who you could approach. Would be good to know where you stand though.

When is the baby due and do you know yet if it's a boy or a girl you're expecting?

holidaywonk · 29/12/2007 13:04

Giving the child his name will not entitle you to anything.

Think carefully about putting his name on the birth certificate, as that would give him automatic parental responsibility, which would entitle him to certain things.

I'd consult the CAB (it's free) for up-to-date advice about parental responsibility and CSA claims.

Original poster

belstaff · 29/12/2007 13:13

20 days to go, he's still got a two seater sports car, doesnt plan to take any time off work and last night was so drunk he urinated in the babys bedroom. grrr! i feel silly ive let myself get in this position now.

OP posts:

juicychops · 29/12/2007 13:14

i wish i had given my ds my surname and not his dads

put yours down

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 13:15

oh that really isn't long to go, is it? If it is any consolation (?) men can get very unstable during their partner's pregnancy. He might settle down and improve when the baby is there. Then again he might not. Would be good to know where you stand financially and maybe have a Plan B ready if things aren't going well.

Is your mum, a sister, someone nice nearby who can support you and be a real help when the baby is there?

Anna8888 · 29/12/2007 13:17

Give your child both names. My daughter has both - my partner's first, mine second, with a hyphen in between.

gr1973 · 29/12/2007 13:17

hi belstaff,

Sorry to hear that the dad isn't being too supportive! A dad can be pursued for financial support for a child even if he's not on the birth certificate so the surname wont make a difference.

With regards to financial support for you if you split up, my understanding is that the whole idea of 'common law wife' is a bit of a myth - if you're not married/civil partnership or have some kind of written co-habitation agreement then no-one really has any rights! I got my fingers burned financially many years ago when i split up with someone (no children involved thankfully!) I had lived with for several years.

Do you think you'll stay with the baby's dad? If not, you might want to get some advice from somewhere like the Citizens Advice Bureau but I'd agree with blu that decisions likes names etc should be about what's best for your baby and not to get at the dad; but that's easy to say from the other end of a computer!

holidaywonk · 29/12/2007 13:22

Have a look at this link from the CAB.

FlameNFurter · 29/12/2007 13:24

Why should she give both surnames Anna?

FlllightAttendant · 29/12/2007 13:27

He did WHAT in the baby's bedroom????

FlllightAttendant · 29/12/2007 13:30

Sorry have calmed down now...I was going to say, I have found it immeasureably easier from many angles to give my own name to my sons. But then I am single and was when they were both born.
Your partner doesn't sound as though he is making any effort at commitment while you are obviously committed to the baby. That to me says give the child your name

and fwiw I would not be with a bloke who pissed in my child's room.

Lauriefairycake · 29/12/2007 13:34

Do you own the place you live in with him ? If not by paying rent or contributing in some way you may have acquired an 'interest' in the property in the last 4 years even if you were to split up.

And his salary, is it good enough that the 15% you would be awarded by the CSA is enough to cover much?

Does he have any other children from previous relationships? Is your relationship generally good, have you talked about him financially contributing while you are on maternity leave (presuming you were working)

Awful of him to piss in the babies bedroom - fark knows what Freud would think of that

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 13:38

That's a good link holiday. Think you need to call these CAB people belstaff and get the details sorted out. According to that site it might not be great to have his name on the birth certificate because then if you do split, you'll have him exercising his right to determine all sorts of things like education. He might choose to be awkward just to annoy you.

Then again he MIGHT get his act together. Has he been kind and supportive throughout your pregnancy (without the marriage issue)?

Yes, and WHY was he doing that in the dc's bedroom? Was it just an accident because he was drunk?

Original poster

belstaff · 29/12/2007 13:41

the CAB link is very helpful, thanks. we are renting, i think that as long as the child gets supported which seems to be the case even if it has my surname, then what happens to me financially in secondary. i think im gonna give it my surname.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 29/12/2007 13:43

I wouldn't give the baby the dad's surname if I was in this position. I wouldn't even name him on the birth certificate.
My DD/DS's dad is an absolute arse hasn't bothered with them for ages and we finally split two years ago, since then he has seen them about 4/5 times, and that's only because his family force him to.
Unfortunately I named him on the birth certificate, which makes no odds with DD as she was born before 2003, but with DS it means he has automatic parental responsibilty.
I'm with a new partner, pg again and planning to get married in the enxt few years, if only I hadn't named that arse on the birth certificate dp could adopt them no hassle,as it is exdp can contest and I know he will, purely to be a tosser.
Think very carefully about what rights you give this man.
WRT child maintenance I think if he disputes the paternity, therefore refusing to pay he has to take a DNA test, if he refuses he has to pay anyway.
FWIW, Any man that can prove he is a decent father will get parental responsibilty through the courts.

foxythesnowman · 29/12/2007 13:48

If you aren't married there are things which he won't be allowed to do - official things like register the birth, get a passport for the lo or consent to medical procedures (although in reality he'll do if its necessary) without your go-ahead. The CSA do sometimes check the birth certs with regard to chasing support so it might be easier for you in the future to name him.

DC1 took my name, and originally I didn't name his dad on the birth cert. We then got together and changed it so he was named, now all 4 DCs have my surname and no plans to change it.

Occasionally he wonders if we got married would things change, but no, they wouldn't.

At the end of the day, you are the one who will register the lo, so its your call.

FWIW I think you should give the baby your name, because you can change it in the future should you decide to.

foxythesnowman · 29/12/2007 13:50

Ah - my DC1 was born 2001 - so ignore me, - what Victorian Squalor says!

EzrasMummy · 30/12/2007 16:13

My DS was born in 2000. The father didnt even turn up at the registering of his birth (while he was in intensive care). I was gonna put my surname anyway, so i did. He still had to pay through CSA though (although i havent had any money for years and he keeps changing jobs and he earns loads!). Am married now tho so dont really need the money but the CSA will still chase no matter who is on the birth cert. and if he says hes not the father, theyll offer a test. If he refuses, he is seen as the father and they will pursue a case against him.

Im so glad i didnt put his name on there. He has done nothing for my son at all. but i dont hate him, that takes too much energy!

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