in planning to give my child my surname as the father has done eff all.

[belstaff]

i dont mind him being on the birth certificate but why should my child bear his surname when all he has been is a waste of time. am i cutting myself off legally to child support rights etc if i dont give the child his surname, and if i put the father down on the register does it automatically take his surname?

[Alambil]

Absolutely listen to VS - please.

My ex is on the BC - I regret this every waking day.

He hasn't seen DS for 4 years, he hasn't paid me A PENNY in maintenance, he is abusive and dangerous.

I want to get DS name changed to my surname but I have to pay to go to court to do so and run the risk of the judge saying no.

If I want to emigrate (which I do) I'd have to get his permission - and he wouldn't grant it, just because he can say no. Again, it would be paying for another court case if I wanted to over-ride him.

WHY should I have to get his blardy permission to live MY life and raise DS how I see fit, with his best interests at heart? I shouldn't - but I have to, all because his name is on the poxy certificate.

Don't do it - it REALLY isn't worth it.

[discoverlife]

My SIL had two children by one partner before 2003 and although they were given partners surname, she was able to have their names changed by deed poll at a later date when the relationship ended. If you have your DP's surname for your children you WONT be able to do so without his permission, and we all know that it will not be forthcoming because being your average bloke (pissing on the floor WTF) he will want to piss you off without thought about whats best for the children.

[PillockOfTheCommunity]

belstaff, my ds2 is 8mths old, I thought long and hard about this issue and DID NOT put his father on the birth certificate. I'm happy to chat through it with you via email if you want to? Would rather not do it on here as I suspect his SIL reads!

[DarthVader]

If parents are unmarried then the most sensible thing is to give the child the mothers surname. It is only tradition that stands in the way of this, but this is a mindset that belongs to a bygone age imo.

[VictorianSqualor]

Think about it, don't give him parental responsibility and be able to do what you believe is best for your child, then if he decides to pull himself together and be a good father it's as simple as you both signing a piece of paper to grant him it.

Or do give him it, realise he is actually an arse (that urinates in bedrooms!), move on and for some reason or other wish to give a new partner PR. eg. I am pg now, could have problems and end up in hospital, dp needs to be able to take resp. for my two but he can't legally because to grant him PR we have to take it to court and get XDP's PR taken away, or get him to agree to DP having PR, or prove to a judge that it is in my childs best interests.

Long-winded and avoidable.

With DD he doesn't even have to know, but the second I take him to court WRT DS he knows he has equal say in his schooling, where he lives, if she leaves the country to go on holiday, if he ever goes to the docs/hospital for something etc etc etc.

Unless you are sure you want to give the father 100% control over yours and your childs life, do not put him on the birth certificate.

[holidaywonk]

No no no melinda! As VS says, it sounds as though this fellow is very unlikely to remove his head from his arse long enough to realise that parental responsibility even exists. Why should belstaff voluntarily give him legal powers that he might use to make her life difficult? He has already demonstrated so little interest in the pregnancy.

belstaff, please don't put his name on the birth certificate without thinking over the issues very carefully!

[melinda]

You often have to show your certificate as an adult. I think it looks as if you didn't know who the father was.

[VictorianSqualor]

Melinda, parental responsibilty is only easy to get if it isn't contested ot the father can show he is a good dad.
It is however a lot harder to take away from someone.
I really can't see how it would cause embarrassment in the future, who is likely to read the birth certificate that wouldn't be close enough for the real explanation to be told to?

[melinda]

I'd probably name him on the cert - might be embarrassing for your child in later life if the 'father' space is blank, and parental responsiblity is very easy to get through the courts if he wants it.
But I'd definitely give him your name. Why shouldn't you? You are entitled to have the same name as your child and it will make it easier re doctors and even taking your child abroad on holiday if you have the same name.
The child's father will have exactly the same financial obligations towards the child regardless.

[Alambil]

Think VERY carefully - VS has covered it all regarding PR rights.

If I were you, he wouldn't be going on the certificate and would have my surname.

[EzrasMummy]

My DS was born in 2000. The father didnt even turn up at the registering of his birth (while he was in intensive care). I was gonna put my surname anyway, so i did. He still had to pay through CSA though (although i havent had any money for years and he keeps changing jobs and he earns loads!). Am married now tho so dont really need the money but the CSA will still chase no matter who is on the birth cert. and if he says hes not the father, theyll offer a test. If he refuses, he is seen as the father and they will pursue a case against him.

Im so glad i didnt put his name on there. He has done nothing for my son at all. but i dont hate him, that takes too much energy!

[foxythesnowman]

Ah - my DC1 was born 2001 - so ignore me, - what Victorian Squalor says!

[foxythesnowman]

If you aren't married there are things which he won't be allowed to do - official things like register the birth, get a passport for the lo or consent to medical procedures (although in reality he'll do if its necessary) without your go-ahead. The CSA do sometimes check the birth certs with regard to chasing support so it might be easier for you in the future to name him.

DC1 took my name, and originally I didn't name his dad on the birth cert. We then got together and changed it so he was named, now all 4 DCs have my surname and no plans to change it.

Occasionally he wonders if we got married would things change, but no, they wouldn't.

At the end of the day, you are the one who will register the lo, so its your call.

FWIW I think you should give the baby your name, because you can change it in the future should you decide to.

[VictorianSqualor]

I wouldn't give the baby the dad's surname if I was in this position. I wouldn't even name him on the birth certificate.
My DD/DS's dad is an absolute arse hasn't bothered with them for ages and we finally split two years ago, since then he has seen them about 4/5 times, and that's only because his family force him to.
Unfortunately I named him on the birth certificate, which makes no odds with DD as she was born before 2003, but with DS it means he has automatic parental responsibilty.
I'm with a new partner, pg again and planning to get married in the enxt few years, if only I hadn't named that arse on the birth certificate dp could adopt them no hassle,as it is exdp can contest and I know he will, purely to be a tosser.
Think very carefully about what rights you give this man.
WRT child maintenance I think if he disputes the paternity, therefore refusing to pay he has to take a DNA test, if he refuses he has to pay anyway.
FWIW, Any man that can prove he is a decent father will get parental responsibilty through the courts.

[belstaff]

the CAB link is very helpful, thanks. we are renting, i think that as long as the child gets supported which seems to be the case even if it has my surname, then what happens to me financially in secondary. i think im gonna give it my surname.

[SSStollenzeit]

That's a good link holiday. Think you need to call these CAB people belstaff and get the details sorted out. According to that site it might not be great to have his name on the birth certificate because then if you do split, you'll have him exercising his right to determine all sorts of things like education. He might choose to be awkward just to annoy you.

Then again he MIGHT get his act together. Has he been kind and supportive throughout your pregnancy (without the marriage issue)?

Yes, and WHY was he doing that in the dc's bedroom? Was it just an accident because he was drunk?

[Lauriefairycake]

Do you own the place you live in with him ? If not by paying rent or contributing in some way you may have acquired an 'interest' in the property in the last 4 years even if you were to split up.

And his salary, is it good enough that the 15% you would be awarded by the CSA is enough to cover much?

Does he have any other children from previous relationships? Is your relationship generally good, have you talked about him financially contributing while you are on maternity leave (presuming you were working)

Awful of him to piss in the babies bedroom - fark knows what Freud would think of that

[FlllightAttendant]

Sorry have calmed down now...I was going to say, I have found it immeasureably easier from many angles to give my own name to my sons. But then I am single and was when they were both born.
Your partner doesn't sound as though he is making any effort at commitment while you are obviously committed to the baby. That to me says give the child your name

and fwiw I would not be with a bloke who pissed in my child's room.

[FlllightAttendant]

He did WHAT in the baby's bedroom????

[FlameNFurter]

Why should she give both surnames Anna?

[holidaywonk]

Have a look at this link from the CAB.

[gr1973]

hi belstaff,

Sorry to hear that the dad isn't being too supportive! A dad can be pursued for financial support for a child even if he's not on the birth certificate so the surname wont make a difference.

With regards to financial support for you if you split up, my understanding is that the whole idea of 'common law wife' is a bit of a myth - if you're not married/civil partnership or have some kind of written co-habitation agreement then no-one really has any rights! I got my fingers burned financially many years ago when i split up with someone (no children involved thankfully!) I had lived with for several years.

Do you think you'll stay with the baby's dad? If not, you might want to get some advice from somewhere like the Citizens Advice Bureau but I'd agree with blu that decisions likes names etc should be about what's best for your baby and not to get at the dad; but that's easy to say from the other end of a computer!

[Anna8888]

Give your child both names. My daughter has both - my partner's first, mine second, with a hyphen in between.

[SSStollenzeit]

oh that really isn't long to go, is it? If it is any consolation (?) men can get very unstable during their partner's pregnancy. He might settle down and improve when the baby is there. Then again he might not. Would be good to know where you stand financially and maybe have a Plan B ready if things aren't going well.

Is your mum, a sister, someone nice nearby who can support you and be a real help when the baby is there?

[juicychops]

i wish i had given my ds my surname and not his dads

put yours down