Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

[BABAHOTEL]

Sounds revolting and like he is actually your first child! Move out now, you're wasting your time, if he can't take care of personal hygiene he won't worry about anything else.

[FlowerArranger]

Cut your losses now. It'll be easier than if you wait till baby is born.

(Are you absolutely sure you truly want this baby?)

[TopCatsTopHat]

He's not going to change, he made an effort and it lasted less than 2 weeks. He can't see with his own eyes you're struggling and things need attending to but also managed to resent this.
It's a mess and you're wasting your time, he's behaving like a teenage student who's just left home for the first time. Except he's a grown adult and has so far fathered two babies and somehow managed to remain pathetically useless.
The shit will hit the fan when this baby is born and life gets 5 times more difficult. Until then you have a limited window of time where things are relatively simple (despite your health difficulties) to get out and set yourself up with a living arrangement that doesn't include carrying 2 men who can't do basic adult things.
You might love him but you'll be miserable and mentally unwell in no time if you stick with this. Good luck.

[blyn72]

Did you not post this before, not too long ago?

I'm surprised you are with somebody like him.

I do hope your health improves before too long but, honestly, it takes very little time to put things in the washing machine then, later, take them out and hang on clothes airer so please do that.

[blyn72]

PS: You are at a very early stage of pregnancy so your nausea and vomiting may end soon.

I don't understand how a lavatory can be too dirty to vomit into. I presume you use it when you need to 'go'.

Why do you have a housemate when you are a couple expecting a baby and only have one toilet? He doesn't sound like a very satisfactory housemate either, get rid of him.

[WutheringHeights66]

Is this the younger brother housemate?

[LaurenKelsey]

In addition to being lazy and dependent, he doesn’t brush his teeth every day? Good lord, get rid. He is not a man to plan a future with.

[Firstchilddue2022]

This is my first post. We live in a two bed with our housemate and one bathroom because we're low earners. I don't like being sick in a toilet covered in dried on poop. I can't afford to "get rid" of my housemate and he's on the tenancy agreement so I can't kick him out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

I've wanted to be a mother since I was 19. I'm 33 with fertility problems. I'm keeping this baby.

[BABAHOTEL]

@Firstchilddue2022

I've wanted to be a mother since I was 19. I'm 33 with fertility problems. I'm keeping this baby.

I think the want to have a baby has clouded your judgement. But that's fine now, so move out. If your name is on the tenancy, you need to get it removed.

[ToughLoveLDN]

I posted YABU simply for the fact that you're having a baby with someone that you know can't even take enough responsibility for himself to brush his teeth everyday, gross! Did you think he would suddenly change when you had a baby? He's definitely not going to help up. Plus the fact you live in a house share, where is the baby going to stay? Are you comfortable with the fact that you have a house mate who could potentially bring anyone into your home when you have a child?

[Rainbowqueeen]

Op that sounds miserable.
Yes I would plan on moving out. You don’t need to do it straight away but start planning.
You will find life easier when you don’t have the frustration of a useless man child. Plan to be a single mum and give the baby your surname.
Best wishes

[blyn72]

I get that you wanted a baby but did it have to be with an unhygienic man-child (who already has a child!), and in unsatisfactory, insanitary accommodation? You're a grown woman and have set the bar very low. However, what's done is done.

The very least either of these useless guys can do is clean the lavatory, insist that they do.

[Allpenguinsarepingus]

You need to move regardless of what happens with the father. You do not want a random male housemate when you’re postpartum with a tiny newborn. It will drive you mad. A 1bed apartment to yourself would be preferable.

[Firstchilddue2022]

I think love for my partner and a desire to be a mother has clouded my judgment. I can change the tenancy to my fiancé but I don't think he'll agree to it. And I paid the full deposit.

[BABAHOTEL]

@Firstchilddue2022

I think love for my partner and a desire to be a mother has clouded my judgment. I can change the tenancy to my fiancé but I don't think he'll agree to it. And I paid the full deposit.

Well you can't change the tenancy then? Is he on it currently? He's not going to give you the deposit back, is he?

[RussiasGreatestLoveMachine]

FML.

I love him so much.

Just …. Why…..?

[Firstchilddue2022]

He's not a random male housemate he's our friend and fiancé's best man.

[Lazycatx]

Hey OP, as a new mother myself the first trimester is the worst - it will get better, hang in there and remain positive!
It's good you are both having counselling this will help you so much to get things off your chest as well as find a solution for him to help out more.
Eating take aways will not help the haemorrhoids are you able to get a food shop delivery? Iceland do delivery for free over £40 and it is important to eat fiber and stay hydrated.
After your counselling it might be worthwhile sitting with your housemate to discuss the cleaning situation. As you can no longer do it and have been cleaning for sometime can they pick up the cleaning activities for the bathroom and kitchen that you share whilst fiancé takes care of the bedroom, laundry etc? If not, I would suggest chipping in for a cleaner and I would highlight it is not a hygienic environment for anyone to live with a dirty toilet etc.
Fiancé does also need to get independent counselling and seek help from his GP for the depression rather than let it linger on.
It is so important to tackle this now before the baby is here. Once the baby is here your life will change and so will your perception on what matters most. You will need a lot of help with the baby during the first few weeks with the lack of sleep it will also affect your mental health.
If things do not improve. Please leave, you deserve someone who will support and care for you!
Good luck with everything! Xx

[FlowerArranger]

Your deposit should be safe if it is lodged with a recognised scheme, as required by law.

Is your tenancy within its term or periodic? If the latter I think you may be able to give notice and leave. Worth checking out - talk to Shelter.

Gingerbread may have some useful information as well.

[toomuchlaundry]

Where will the baby sleep when it is older?

What aspects of your partner made you think he would make an ideal father?

[frazzledasarock]

He’s not going to change.

You’re living with two men who won’t clean up after themselves. You’re having a child with a man who can’t be bothered to brush his own teeth. And you appear to have shouldered the expense of having moved in together. Can’t see him holding on to his job for too long if he can’t get up to do the job in time! And if he drinks too much as a regular thing, we can say he won’t be up to unsupervised parenting of a newborn.

Realistically can you afford to move out and do you have somewhere to go?

I’d move out and be comfortable and secure in a nice place on my own before the baby arrives.

[PermanentTemporary]

It's certainly pretty awful that he has reacted to increased responsibility by giving up and getting pissed. What was the story with his previous baby and partner?

It seems like a really depressing future of you carrying the load. But I guess he must have good qualities or you wouldn't be with him. I can't really imagine paying for couples counselling for a man who can't brush his teeth or go to the supermarket though. He does sound very severely depressed which will be made much worse by the drinking. I do struggle to relate as my husband was very severely mentally ill but fought to manage some basic self care every day and took on more than he could really cope with at home even when he couldn't work. Has he seen his GP?

In practical terms I think a cleaner for a while wouldn't cost more than the takeaways and perhaps you could do an online shop. But I contemplate you and a newborn baby in this and I really can't see that going well.

[Superhanz]

@FlowerArranger

Cut your losses now. It'll be easier than if you wait till baby is born.

(Are you absolutely sure you truly want this baby?)

If she'd considered not keeping the baby she'd have said that. I find this kind of attitude on here pretty revolting. A women's right to choose works both ways you know.

[JSL52]

Things will have to change. Does your flatmate want to live with a baby and all the noise and disruption they make ?
You need to move out.